A real blessing at only $16.95 but
our readers can get if for only $10
(plus $2.50 shipping and 78¢ sales tax)
Dear Lovers of Rabid Religions Humor,
I hope you enjoyed reading my new book on religious humor,
The Priest, the Pastor and the
Rabbi. I would have included more Islamic jokes, but they don’t
have a sense of humor.
There wasn’t enough time or room to put the following
jokes in this edition, so rather than letting them go unappreciated,
they are given below for your edification and enjoyment.
If you run across a religious joke, please send it to
me at sam@bookwarren.com. Let
me know if you want me to give you credit for it.
And if you haven’t ordered a copy yet and want more puns
from the pulpit, go to www.Bookwarren.com,
www.Amazon.com or your local bookstore
and order one fast.
As a young minister in Kentucky,
I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a
homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held
at a new cemetery, way back in the country, and this man would be the
first to be buried there.
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon
became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave,
but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to
the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open
grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers
I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the
proper thing to do. The workers gathered around the grave and stood
silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.
As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter
tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers
began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord,"and "Glory!" The fervor of these men
truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached
before... all the wayfrom Genesis to Revelation.
I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer,
thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the
workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER
seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin'
in septic tanks for thirty years!"
My Dinner with God
It’s so hard to cook for two.
Sex at Seventeen
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that
her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely
impact the family's status, she consulted the family pastor.
The pastor told her that teenagers today were very
willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control
and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for
a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box
of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her
mother saying:
'Oh Mom! You don't have to
worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Painless Dentistry
One Buddhist monk said to the other: “I heard that
you went to the dentist for a root canal. Did it hurt?”
“No,” he replied. “I used trance and dental medication.”
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of aMacy'sand shyly walked up to the woman behind
the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a
sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. 'Actually,
even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras
to choose.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady
replied: 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences
between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple...
'
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and
The Baptist makes mountains out of molehills.
A Little Gossip Goes a Long Ways
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor
of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough
to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George,
a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically
told George (and several others) that everyone who saw it parked there
would know exactly what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment
and then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend
, or deny...
He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly
parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... Walked home..And left it there all night.
You Gotta
love George...
The Tavern Fire
The story is told of a man who got a permit to open
the first tavern in a small town. The members of a local church were
strongly opposed to the bar, so they began to pray that God would intervene.
A few days before the tavern was
scheduled to open, lightning hit the structure and it burned to the
ground. The people of the church were surprised but pleased -
until they received notice that the would-be tavern owner was suing
them. He contended that their prayers were responsible for the burning
of the building. They denied the charge. At the conclusion of the preliminary
hearing, the judge wryly remarked, "At this point I don't know
what my decision will be, but it seems that the tavern owner believes
in the power of prayer and these church people don't."
The Concentration Camp
A friend of mine of German origin was invited to a
good friends wedding, his friend was Jewish. Bernd was at the reception
and the room being full of Jews was a little "tense" at a
German in their midst. Eventually of course the conversation turned
to the millions of Jews who died in the concentration camps and it got
a little more tense and just a little unfriendly
as the conversation continued.
Bernd suddenly turned and said in quite a loud voice
"I just want you all to know that my father also died in a concentration
camp"! A silence fell, one man said "really? that's
so awful", others joined in their sympathies. What happened to
him they asked.
Bernd said "He got drunk and fell out of the watchtower"
The room broke out into roars of laughter and they all had a great time
from then on.
An Irish Priest
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring
day in his new Texas mission
parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath
of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying
dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation
went like this:"Good morning.
This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day teyerselfTis Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take
care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself
to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now, Father, it
was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment Father
O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly
true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Two Priests in a Urinal
Two priests are in a Vatican
bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at
the other priest and says “I believe you're supposed to put that patch
on your arm or shoulder, not down there!”
The other replies, “Its working just fine, I'm down
to two butts a day.”
HEAVEN OR HELL?
A writer died and was given the option of
going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first.
As the writer descended into the fiery pits,
she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a
steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with
thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she
saw rows of writers, chained to their desks
in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were
whipped with thorny lashes.
“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as
bad as hell!”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here,
your work gets published.”
An Irish Priest
An Irish priest is transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring
day in his new Texas mission
parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath
of the
beautiful day outside. He
then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front
lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation
went like
this:'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might
I help you?'
'And the best
of the day teyerselfTis Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would
ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads
to take care of the matter?'
Sergeant Jones, considering himself
to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now, Father, it was always
my impression that you people took care of last rites!'
There was dead silence on the line for a moment Father
O'Malley then
replied:'Aye, tis certainly
true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'
Finkelstein and Jesus
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem
when He decided that He really needed a new robe.
After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for
Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements
to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.
A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus
tried it on and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him
off: 'No, no, no, for the Son of God ? There's
no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a
sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made
byFinkelstein, the Tailor ? '
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, and extolled
the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through
Jerusalem ,
He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of
people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowdto speak to him and as soon asFinkelsteinspotted him he said: 'Jesus, Jesus, look whatyou've done for my business !Would you consider a partnership
? '
'Certainly,' replied Jesus. 'Jesus & Finkelstein
it is.'
'Oh, no, no,' said Finkelstein.'Finkelstein & Jesus.
After all, I am the craftsman.'The
two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately
fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's
shop.
Can you guess what it read ?
LORD AND TAYLOR
YIKES, that dog is dead
A group of country friends from the CottonwoodBaptistChurch
wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize,
and play games.The lady of the
house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts,
Janet wanted to outdo all the others.Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak.However, knowing that mushrooms are so expensive, she told her
husband, "No mushrooms; they are too high."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture
and pick some of those mushrooms?There
are plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them, and
they're OK."
So Janet decided to give it a try.She picked a bunch -- washed, sliced, and diced
them forher
smothered steak.Then, she went
out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the
yard Dog) a double handful.Ol'
Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol'
Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided
to use them.The meal was a great
success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.She had on a white apron and a fancy little
cap on her head.After everyone
had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Mexican dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered
in Janet's ear, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot
just died."
Janet went into hysterics.After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told
him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can
take care of it.I will call
for an ambulance, and I will be there as quick as possible.We'll give everyone enemas, and we will pump
out everyone's stomach.Everything
will be fine, just keep them calm."
Soon, they could hear the siren as the ambulance was
coming down the road.The EMTs
and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.One by one, they took each person into the bathroom,
gave them an enema, and pumped their stomach.After the last one was finished, the doctor
came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he
left."
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the
living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, "You
know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never
even stopped.
Don’t Drink the Wasser
An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices
a man drinking from his pond.
The Amish farmer shouts: "Trinkdaswassernicht. Die kuhenhabendahingesheissen."
Which means: "Don't drink the
water, the cows have shit in it."
The man shouts back: "I'm Islamic, I don't understand.
Please speak inEnglish."
The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands. You'll
getmore."
The Power of Prayer
In
a small southern conservative town (redundant?), a guy started building
a new bar/tavern. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block
the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed, however
right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the
bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks
were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued
the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible
for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions
or means.
The church vehemently
denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise
in its reply to the court.
As the case made
it's way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing
and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but
as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes
in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"
Bubba
Gets Religion
Bubba
goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the
preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
Bubba gets in line.
When
it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray
about?"
Bubba
says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." So the
preacher licks his index finger and put it in Bubba's ear and put his
other hand on top Bubba's head and commences to pray loudly.
After
a few minutes, he removes his hands and says;
"Bubba, how's your hearing now?"
Bubba
says, "I don't know, Preacher. It ain't
'till next Wednesday!
A New Bar in Town
In asmall mid-western conservative town, a new bar/tavern
started a new building to open up their business. The local Baptist
churchstarted a campaign to block the bar from
opening with petitionsand prayers.
Work progressed, however right up until theweek before the scheduled opening, when
a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook
after that, until the bar owner sued the churchon the grounds that the church was ultimately
responsible for thedemise of
his building, either through direct or indirect actionsor means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility orany connection to
the buildings demise in its reply to thecourt.
As the case made it's way
into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented,
“I don't know how I'm going to decide this.It appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner that believes
in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!”
Companionship
A man goes into an adult bookstore and asks the clerk
for an inflatable doll. The clerk asks “male or female?”
To which the man answers “female.”
The clerk asks “black or white?”
The customer says “white.”
The clerk then asks, Christian or Muslim?”
The man says, “what’s the
difference?”
The clerk answers, “well the Muslim doll blows itself
up.”
Rabbi’s Advice
No
matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult
their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to
their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love
have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize
and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow
the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel
over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed,
they go back to the Rabbi. "Okay," he says to the husband,
"try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and
you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow
the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the
towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife
soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles,
looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see,
you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."
\
For the love of God!What did I do to deserve this?
Al Gore, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush were in an
airplane that crashed. They're in heaven, and God's sitting on the great
white throne.
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe
in?"
Gore replies, "Well, I believe I won that election,
but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand
that now." God thinks for a second and says, "OK, very good.
Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe
in?"
Clinton replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've
sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope
no grudges are held against me." God thinks for a second and says,
"You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.
God then addresses George. "George, what do you
believe in?" Bush replies, "I believe you're in my chair."
------------------
A Meal for Two
When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted
her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?"
asked God.
"I could eat," she replied.
So, God opened a can of tuna, unwrapped a loaf of rye
bread, and they began to share it. While eating the humble tuna sandwich,
Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring
huge steaks, lobsters, pheasant and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting,
she remained quiet.
The next day, God invited her to join him for a meal.
Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see
the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey and apple pie. Still, she
said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can
of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly,
she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward
for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven, all I get is
tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the other place they eat like
emperors and kings! I just don't understand it."
God sighed: "Let's be honest, Teresa. For two
people, it just doesn't pay to cook." ____________________________________________________________
Book Review
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert
have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do
More Than Lay People."
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something
terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The
Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife
is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How
can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain
she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell
you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll
let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your
wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger
priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows
of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The
front of the church always fills first now."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you
told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back
to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll
gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am
pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm
afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest,
"my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began
that!"
"I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, "Toot'n Tell or Go To Hell,"
just can't stay on the church roof!"
The little country church was over run with field mice
from the nearby farms. The situation was getting out of hand, but the
old pastor was too kind hearted to kill the mice.
Then he came up with the perfect solution. He set traps
to capture the mice without hurting them. He then baptized and registered
them as new members of the church.
Now the mice only show up for Christmas and Easter.
A doctor and an HMO manager both
died at the same time in a car accident and ended up together at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the doctor why he should be admitted
inside.
“As a surgeon, I have saved hundreds of lives,” he
replied.
“OK, you may go inside.” Then he asked the HMO manger
what he did to deserve paradise?
“As a HMO manager, I have saved hundreds of families money with managed health care,” he bragged.
St Peter replied, “you may
enter, however, you can only stay for three days. After that, you can
go to Hell.”
The Priest, the Pastor and the Rabbi were visiting
the holy sites of Israel
and decided to take a boat ride on the Sea of Galilee.
The Rabbi asked the operator of the boat rental place what the cost
would be per hour.
When the operator told him, he exploded, “That can’t
be right! That much just for one hour on the Sea of Galilee.”
“But after all,” the man replied. “Christ himself walked
on these waters.”
“No wonder he walked at those rates,” the Rabbi retorted.
On the Tonight Show, Jay Leno reported that there was
a news item in the papers about a female teacher in a Catholic school
who had sex with four of her students. The teacher claimed that the
four seduced her. Jay said that they probably did it to make the priests
jealous.
A man
walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for
my wife.
What type of
bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?"
inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around,"
said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size,
color and material imaginable.
Actually, even
with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to
choose from.
Relieved, the
man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, type Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally
befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady
responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic
type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist
makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever
wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to
define bra sizes?
If you have
wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it
is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost
Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to
visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.
"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the
smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them
on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,"
reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts
of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she
felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically
balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "But
it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts,
so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you
are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and
tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited
Eve in the Garden of Eden
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But
for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired
off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have
a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know,
Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a
mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's
see . . . . . . . where did I put the useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that story about
the rib?
There are
more churches in Las Vegas
than casinos.During Sunday services
at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed
to cash.
Some are sharing
their winnings - some are hoping to win.Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they
are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the
chips into the diocese for sorting.
Once sorted
into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips
and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.
Conservative:
One who believes that all individuals have rights -- from the moment
of conception, right up until birth.
Religious
Conservative: One who believes that all individuals have rights, from
the moment of conception, right up until birth provided said fetus is
heterosexual.
Zionist: Jewish
atheist who believes that God promised him the lands occupied by others.
Fundamentalist:
Individual who believes that God gave them an infallible book of wise
teaching and moral codes applicable to all people at all times in all
places. This universal God-given book differs from place to place, time
to time and people to people.
Christian
Fundamentalist: Those who believe that the Bible is the infallible word
of God which is clear in its meaning and understandable to all. Divided
into many sects all of whom disagree with one another as to what is
the clear and understandable teachings of the Bible.
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor
of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Sven,
a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked
in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told
Sven and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what
he was doing.
Sven, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment
and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, Sven quietly parked his pickup
in front of Mildred's house...and left it there all night.
A ship’s captain who had been blown off the usual shipping
lanes came across an small island in the Malaysian
archipelagoes. His chart said that
they were deserted but he could see some smoke on it.
He sent a party ashore to investigate and met a shipwrecked
sailor.
“Thank God I have finally been found. My prayers have
been answered,” he exclaimed. “I haven’t seen a person for over five
years.”
“If you are all alone, how come you built three huts,”
one of the sailors asked?
“Well, I live in one and the other one is my church,”
he replied.
“What’s the third one for then,” a second sailor asked?
“Oh, that’s where I used to go to church. When no one
came to rescue me, I changed churches.”
A newly discovered chapter in the Book
of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we
were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see
you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember
how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will
create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection
of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see
me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I
do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion
for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with
Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already
named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for
this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because
I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you,
his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was
a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an
angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become
filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe
they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are
loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will
create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them
as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so
they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion
to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when
Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were
not the supreme beings.
Retired Episcopal Bishop Spong
from New Jersey was giving
a lecture at the University
of California at San
Diego on the Terrible Text of the Bible. He mentioned
that the Old Testament states that if you even thing of a sinful act,
it is the same as actually doing it. He went on to explain how he studied
the Bible making a list of all the things that death was the penalty
for.
“Why in Deuteronomy it is death for the man who has
sex with his mother-in-law. At least I don’t have to worry about that.
I can’t even imagine having sex with my mother-in-law.”
Rev. Johnson, a young preacher, fresh out of seminary
school, preached his first sermon from the Revised
Standard edition of the Bible.
After the service, as he was shaking the hands of his parishioners,
an older lady came forward to admonish him.
“Young man,” I don’t hold any truck in these new fangled
Bibles. If the King James Bible
was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me.”
There was this old Jewish guy who for over 60 years
visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem.
One day a reporter came to interview him.
“Why do you come to the Wall everyday to pray?,” the reporter asked.
“I come every day to pray for peace among the Children
of Abraham. I pray that the Jews and the Muslims will stop the killing
and learn to live in peace with each other”
“And don’t you ever feel flustered with all the violence
in the Mid-East?,” asked the reporter.
“Yes,” said the old Jew. “Sometimes I feel like I’m
just talking to a wall.”
Jack, an avid sports fan, after living to a ripe old
age, passed away and found himself in front of St. Peter. “Congratulations,”
exclaimed the saint. “Welcome to Heaven. Is there anything you would
like before we check you in?”
“I’m really glad to have made it here,“
said Jack. “But I’ve always been curious about the other place. Would
there be any chance I could take a peek?
“No problem. Just take this fire proof elevator down
to the pit. You can look through the glass door, but under no circumstance
step outside.”
A short while later, upon his return Jack asked Peter,
“All I saw was a vast white wasteland of ice and snow. I thought that
Hell was supposed to be all fire and brimstone. Is it always like that?
“Oh, I guess you haven’t heard the news yet. Bush just
got us out of Iraq.”
I pray for wisdom to understand my man, love to forgive
him, and patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if
I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.
Maria Antonia, an elderly lady, phoned Father O’Sullivan
to report that her dog was possessed by a spirit. She told him that
on the few occasions when the phone did ring, Tony, her pet German shepherd,
always moaned loudly right a moment before the phone rang. Somehow,
Tony would know in advance when someone was going to call.
Father O’Sullivan had never heard of something like
this before and proceeded to the scene, to investigate either a psychic
dog or senile elderly lady. Sure enough, while he was visiting Maria
Antonia in her parlor, her dog gave out a couple of loud moans. A short
time later, the telephone rang.
The damn dog could even predict a wrong number. Before
passing judgment, the doubtful priest inspected the instrument and even
traced the telephone cable through the wall and over to the telephone
pole.
“Ah ha!” You will not be bothered
by your moaning dog any more,” exclaimed the father.
“Why Father! You mean that your have preformed an exorcism
on Tony?
“No, Maria Antonia. Your dog was tied to the telephone
system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. The wire connection
to the ground rod was loose. The dog was receiving 90 volts AC of ringing
current when the phone number was called. After a couple of such jolts,
the Tony would start moaning and then urinate on the ground. The wet
ground would complete the circuit, making the phone ring. I tightened
the wire and fixed it.
Two Muslim fundamentalist are sitting in a Gaza Strip
bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk. One pulls his wallet
out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohanned,
he's a martyr."
"You must be so proud" says the other.
"This is my second son, Kalid.
He is a martyr also."
"A fine looking young man", replies his friend.
“And this is my baby, Ahmed. He was only 17. He’s a
martyr also like his brothers.”
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I
remember when he first started school".
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim says
wistfully, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara
opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100
bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the
letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning
against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara,"
on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention
and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and
with a puzzled _expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was
at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger
waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked. "That's the
$8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't
Despair paid 80-to-1."
The student dormitory at the Catholic university was
over a hundreds year old and was being torn down. As I was watching
the wrecker’s ball as it was about to demolish the building, I noticed
an elderly monk with an expression of dread on his face.
“It must be very sad to see an old building such as
this, full of memories, being torn down, Father,” I remarked.
“It’s much worse than that,” the monk replied. “I think
that I left my laptop inside.”
Sunday sermon was, Forgive
Your Enemies, toward the end of the service, The Preacher asked
his congregation, “How many of you have forgiven
their enemies?” About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime,
this time about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question again. All responded,
except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones?" Inquired the preacher; Are
you not willing to forgive your enemies?
“I don't have any,” he replied, smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-three,” he replied.
“Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us
all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation
and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have
an enemy in the world.”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said: “I outlived the Bitches.”
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should
do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long
to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can
just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides,
it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
