The Bible Naked
The Greatest Fraud Ever Told
Sam
Warren
Copyright © 2010 by Sam Warren
Printed in the United States of America. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the copyright owner.
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Soft cover edition: 978-0-945949-75-6
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Warren Communications
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Table of Contents
Testimonials
Reading the Bible when I have done it has always been a tedious and boring enterprise. For this reason I really enjoyed your Bible book so much. It was like the difference between ice-cream and castor oil. — Alan Mandelberg, Ph.d.
In the movie, "The Life and Loves of a She-Devil," a British actor, Tom Baker, playing a drunken priest says, "Look. In life there are truths, there are half-truths, and then there is the Bible." Sam Warren has masterfully woven a classic account of truths, half-truths and the Bible. — Malcom LaGauche, Blog Editor
Lots of fantasy and fact from Sam Warren’s almanac.
— Jeff Archer: Columnists
When the Mormons and Seven Day Adventist come of our house, on the table
are four books; the OT, the NT, the Book of Mormon, and the Koran. They
were all inspired by a higher power. There are two things that are wrong.
One, they were written by men; two, they were interpreted by men. This
book by Sam Warren shows this.
— Max Schneider, MD, author and lecturer
on
substance abuses.
Satire is the best weapon against ignorance. Sam Warren goes beyond satire
with a 300 page belly laugh. Keep a copy on hand and read any passage from
it the next time Mormon missionaries or Jehovah's Witnesses come knocking
on your door.
— Keith Taylor former president and program chair
for the
San Diego Association for Rational Inquiry
Acknowledgment
I couldn't have done it without the help of good friends such as:
Bill
Lindley, asst. editor Truth Seeker Magazine
Pat Brown, professional activist
Jeff Archer, owner Alternative Press
Georganna Hancock, journalist and editor
Tim Brittian
If
you find some errors in this book, just remember
that I'm not infallible like God.
There are none so blind as those who will not see — John Heywood, 1546
The Emperor Has No Clothes
The purpose of this book is not to try to disprove the existence of a god. That would be impossible, as the existence of a god or gods can not be proved or disproved. Scientists have found a part of the brain where religion is centered. The site is enlarged in religious fanatics. There had to be a reason for the fact that most people believe in some kind of god. It takes a brave person to face the realities of this dog-eat-dog world without the comfort of knowing that there is a reason for all this.
However, people who think they believe in the Bible believe in a mythical book much nicer than the real thing. You don't find a loving god in the Bible. By using the Bible itself, I will endeavor to show that it is not an infallible book written, dictated, or inspired by God. When a priest or preacher tells you every word in the Bible is true, you can tell him that he is blowing smoke up his ass. (I plan to use a few three-and four-letter Anglo-Saxon words to emphasize different points.)
What qualifications do I have to write this book? I don’t have a Ph.D. after my name and I'm not a trained Biblical scholar. You don’t have to be a genius to see that the Bible is full of errors, absurdities, lies, contradictions, false prophecies, immorality, etc. If a nebbish like me can see them just by reading the Bible with an open mind, then everyone who has an ounce of intelligence can see them if they haven’t been brainwashed by society and their minds are not impervious to facts and logic.
When I was a boy growing up in a small Kansas town in the ’40s, I was told that every prediction in the Bible was 100 percent true. Even when I was 15 and went through the gut-wrenching decision that there was no god, thereby risking eternal damnation in Hell, I still believed the Bible was factually true when I was 31, I saw a book on a friend’s coffee table that pointed out some of the errors. If only I had read the Bible when I was old enough to understand it. It is so simple when you read the Bible with an open mind. You would have to be an idiot to not see the errors. Believers don’t dare to question it.
I am not anti-religion. My father never could have beaten his alcoholism without it. It gives hope to people in difficult positions such as prison and war. I am just against how they can use the Bible to justify their own bigotry. You have to be very brave to face this dangerous and immoral world without something to hold on to.
Some religious people say that even though they have the correct religion, God will recognize all good people and they will also be in Heaven. If that is true, why follow a religion at all? Just be good.
The Bible was not meant to be holy at first. It started out as a collection of literature (fiction and non-fiction), history, and the laws of a savage, nomadic collection of tribes. Later, first the Jews made it into a venerated, holy object and then all the various versions of the Christian faith followed suit. Even the Muslims consider it a holly book.
The Bible isn’t a history book in the modern sense. For the most part, the authors who wrote the books in the Bible didn’t date anything, and they seldom took credit for their own work but used the name of a famous prophet to give their work more credence. The authors also mixed fiction and fact. I think that some of the authors of the Bible would be shocked if they knew that their little stories would someday be thought to come from God.
Many of the names and histories were thought to have been telescoped in time. An example Isaac Asimov gave in his book Asimov's Guide to the Bible, “George Washington crossed the Atlantic Ocean in the Mayflower, discovered America, conquered Mexico, built Washington, DC, and became the first President of the United States.”
Tradition has it that the first five books of the Bible, called the Pentateuch, were written by Moses. One can tell by just reading it that it would have been impossible for him to write about his own death after he was dead. The sixth, supposedly written by Joshua, along with the other five, are called the Hexateuch.
As very few people could write, most of the stories were passed down by oral tradition and later put down by temple scribes. Some stories were first written as fiction and then, with time, accepted as fact. Religion was more important than facts, and the stories were written to support religious views.
Even today in our Sunday schools, many of the Biblical stories are “cleaned up” for modern tastes. They never mention all the inconsistencies, vulgarities, translation errors, forgeries, questionable morality, errors, contradictions, debauchery, mass murders, child abuse, abuse of women, slavery, genocide, false prophecies, and impossibilities, For example, we don’t teach our kids that King David was an adulterer, murderer, and traitor.
I don’t see how any sane person who has read it could call it a “Good Book.” If Intelligent Design, a.k.a. Creation Science, is to be taught in school science classes, then talking donkeys and snakes, unicorns, dragons, and cherubim. should be taught in biology.
The early Israelites were a loose confederation of nomadic, Semitic, barbarian tribes. The number twelve came from the signs of the zodiac and the twelve moon cycles, but we don’t know how many tribes there really were with some being wiped out and others forming. They fought against each other and against the neighboring tribes (like we still do today). The Israelites were not even Hebrew, but borrowed the language from their neighbors whom they conquered, murdered, enslaved, and engaged in intermarriage with.
They eventually jelled together briefly into two countries under the rule of first Saul, then David, and after him, his son Solomon. After Solomon, they split into the Southern Kingdom of Judah, and the Northen Kingdom of Israel. The Northern Kingdom was eventually conquered by the Assyrians and disappeared through assimilation. That is why they are called Jews (Judah) today, rather than Israelites. The country of Israel today should have been called “Judah.” Archeologists have determined that the Israelite civilization only lasted a few hundred years and that their story in the Old Testament (OT) is highly exaggerated.
Many Christians think that the OT is not relevant any more because the New Testament (NT) superseded it. Wrong! The NT is based upon the OT, especially the Gospel of Matthew. Matthew quotes many passages in the OT that are supposed to prove that Jesus is the Messiah. The quotes are a bit of a stretch as you'll find out reading this book, but that's beside the point. Jesus is also supposed to have said that he did not come to supersede the OT but to fulfill it. He can't fulfill it unless it is recognized as the word of God.
If Jesus has always been from the beginning of time as he says, why isn't the Trinity in the OT? What is the Holy Spirit? If he is part of the God thing, why isn't he in the OT also? Is God a being or a committee of three and are they equal? Is JC a real son or a being made by the Father God? Why isn't a mother god mentioned? Does God have any other children? Inquiring minds want to know.
It is astounding that a book so flawed could have changed world so much. Even the Muslim religion is based on the OT. I would say that the Bible is the worst thing that ever happened to the human race except for the fact that if we didn't have it, something even worse might have taken its place.
This book is not anti-religion, although I wrote it from a secular viewpoint. Religion is too ingrained in the human existence for me to try to refute it. I believe the tendency to believe in the supernatural is “hard wired” in our brains. Our most important Founding Fathers were Deist, not Christians. They believed in a god but not a personal god who you could talk to and ask for favors.
The reason for this book is simply to show and prove that the Bible was not written by God and it couldn’t be because of all the reasons I have already mentioned. The Bible itself is the best proof that it is so flawed that it could not be the product of a perfect, omnipotent, benevolent god.
The Bible is a very interesting book to read, whether or not you believe in it as a religious document. I hope you enjoy my versions.
— Sam Warren
The word “Genesis” means “creation” or “beginning” and is related to the word “generate.” Its Hebrew name is “bereshith” (I think that it is pronounced something like “bear shit”). And the Jewish scholars and scribes while in exile in Babylon did create a fine fable, mixing in oral history, assorted old documents, Samarian and Babylonian myths, and historical fiction surpassing even Aesops Fables for durability.
If you are a real Christian, you have to believe in the Adam and Eve myth. Without it, you don't have original sin. Without original sin, there is no reason for JC to be nailed up on the cross.
The creation myth wasn’t even Hebrew, but was plagiarized from an early Samarian myth, modified by the Babylonians and then coopted by the Jews for their Yahveh god only without the polytheism and human sacrifices. However, there is still a trace of polytheism left in. Yahveh was a patriarchal tribal war god who wanted blood sacrifices, including human. He was one of many gods at that time, most of them were matriarchal.
In the beginning God created Heaven and earth. Actually some people think that we created God. Most of you are familiar with the Creation story – the seven days, the rib, talking snake, apple, etc. But did you know that there are three versions of Genesis? One was written by the northern tribes of Israel and the second by the southern tribes of Judah. The problem was solved by combining then into a third version. Unlike today, accuracy in reporting was not all that important. Facts were never allowed to ruin a good story. So you will sometimes find two or more versions of the same story. The fundies (fundamentalist) say they believe in the creation story but don’t say which one. And you can't believe in both because they don't match.
The Hebrew word for God is “Elohim” which means gods. Early Jewish scribes are thought to have edited out most of the mentions of polytheism but some still remain. One example is (Genesis 3:22) “Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil ...” Another is (Genesis 11:7) “...let us go down and there confound their language...”
The first five books of the Bible (“bible” is another word for “book”) are called “The Pentateuch” and are also called “The Book of the Law” by the Jews and were supposed to have been written by Moses. That would have been very difficult as not only was Moses’ own death recorded in them, there are different styles of writing. It might surprise you to learn that most of the books of the Pentateuch were reverse plagiarism. The books were given the name of famous prophets to give them more cachet and we will never know who really started the oral version or who wrote them down with additional modifications.
There were three sets of documents used to put together the first part of the Old Testament. The “E” Documents were completed in about 750 BCE (before common era). It gets its name because God was called “Elohim” in Hebrew.
The “J” Documents were written by scribes in the Southern Kingdom in about 500 BCE. It gets its name from Jehovah, also a word for God, and was compiled by the Southern Kingdom. The “P” Document, also called the “Priestly Document,” was created by the priests and scribes of the Northern Kingdom during the Babylonian exile of their intelligencia. The “P” document was compiled by combining the “E” and “J” Documents plus some other documents that were just lying around and, Bingo!, you’ve got the start of a world class best seller.
You will find as you read this book, that God evolves from a physical, superman kind of war god limited by tribe and territory with a body and who lives somewhere up in the sky, into a modern, spiritual god who lives in another dimension called Heaven and sends us to Hell if we believe gays should be allowed to marry.
In Sunday school I was told that no one knew where the Garden of Eden was. But it is not the “Garden of Eden” but the “Garden in Eden.” Eden is a place mentioned in other parts of the OT and is located in modern Iraq. Some of our soldiers probably have been killed in the Garden. The three rivers mentioned in Genesis were in Babylon and two are in present-day Iraq. Some scholars believe the third river just dried up and disappeared.
The final version of Genesis was written in Babylon by the Jews who were moved there when Nebuchadnezzar conquered Judah and had the education upper class moved there. Israel, conquered earlier, was assimilated and never heard from again.
In the Hebrew Bible (the Tora) Satan is not necessary a bad guy and is not a fallen angel. He is God's prosecutor and does what God tells him to do. The book of Job is an example. He is called the advisory or the accuser – sort of a prosecuting attorney.
On a dark and stormy night in year one, about 6,000 years ago, everything was created by a mysterious creature in outer space. No one knew where he came from. But we know that he was male. He is reputed to have fathered a son but there is no mention of a wife.
There's one thing I would like someone to explain to me. How can God be male if there is no female? If there is a female god, that must mean that there are two gods in addition to JC and the Holy Spook. And how can a god have a son? If he was not procreated, that has to mean that he is another god, not a son of a god.
(Ch 1) In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth. In this case, Heaven means inner and outer space, not the Heaven with angels. In our creation myth (every religion has its own version) there are two different versions. In the first account, God did the following in six days:
In this version, there is no Garden of Eden, apple, or snake. In the next version, there are a lot of different things. People try to combine them into one version, but they don't fit. That never stopped them from trying. In the Samarian story they copied it from, the snake was not Satan as he hadn't been invented yet. Their god was the snake as gods of competing religions became the devils of the new religion.
The reason that Satan is sometimes pictured with horns, tail and hooves is that the word devil is a translation of a word that means white goat. Goats are considered lustful animals and sex was thought as the original sin. Anything that good has to be sinful.
Version Number Two
(Ch 2) This is what God did in the second version:
Adam's First Wife
The creation myth was initially a Samarian and Babylonian epic that predates by centuries the Jewish version. That might explain why the Garden was in Babylon instead of Israel. To explain the inconsistency of having the first woman created twice, a Jewish myth, not written down in the OT states that Adam’s first wife, Lilith, was made an equal and Adam didn’t like it. He wanted to be in total control, so she left him and became a demon. This happens to a lot of guys with ex-wives.
She was supposed to be responsible for the death of children. The word, “Lullaby,” means, “Lilith go bye” or “get the hell out of here and leave my baby alone.” There are numerous variations. One has her stealing the semen from wet dreams, getting herself pregnant, and then killing the baby to avenge herself on males. She was the first women’s libber.
Adam and Eve
Adam and Eve didn’t get their names until the second version. Adam in Hebrew means “mankind,” and Eve means “womankind.” Later they were used as proper names. Most of the names in the OT are also names of tribes. It can get confusing as often you don’t know if you are reading about a person or a tribe. In addition, many of the names used were not the correct names of the time, but names used during the Jews' exile in Babylon. This is additional proof that the stories were written at that time.
The second version of the creation is more interesting and is the one usually taught in Sunday school. In this version, man was created first, then animals, and then Adam had his rib yanked out and made into a woman – a much more interesting and visual story. I remember as a kid counting my ribs to see if one was missing. As Eve was not made equal to Adam, she was to serve men. God just couldn’t leave well enough alone, and men have been in trouble ever since.
God gave males life by breathing into him. That's where we get the term, “the breath of life.” You weren't alive until you were breathing. None of this “life starts at conception” or even when two stem cells get together. Later when the Bible condemns a man for causing a woman to abort a fetus, it is not because he killed the fetus but because children were considered property. They could even be sold into slavery. Christians – read your Bible.
One thing I wonder about, if we (that is, men) were made in the image of God, does that mean that God has genitals, intact or circumcised? And if so, why? And if he had a son who was with him at the beginning, was there a mother god?
I assume God gets tired just like we humans as he had to rest on the seventh day. I wonder what God does on his day off. The Hebrews didn't even have a seven-day a week until they copied it from the Babylonians.
It was very nice of God to let us pick which story we would believe, but it weakens the case for having the Bible as being the absolutely, infallible word of God. This was just a story some Samarian parent made up to tell his kid when he asked, “Where did we all come from?” Sort of like storks bringing babies.
In the bit about the “tree of knowledge of good and evil,” (second version in Chapter 2) God put the tree right out in the open where no one could miss it and told the new humans, who did not know good from evil yet, not to eat its fruit. This would be like putting a pound of hamburger in front of your dog and telling him not to eat it. What kind of person, much less a god, would put something in front of his innocent babies, who didn’t even know evil, just to tempt them – especially if he was to know in advance and had programmed them to fail?
To make it worse, he had a smooth-talking snake telling this innocent girl, who a few hours ago was only a rib, that it was OK to eat this forbidden fruit. How was she to know who to believe? After all, the snake was one of God’s creations. And, programmed like a good wife, she shares the fruit with her husband. Most husbands will eat whatever their wives put in front of them.
The punishment was not just a swat on the fanny – oh, no. It was original sin with eternal damnation. Even though Adam was supposed to be the man of the house, it was Eve who got most of the blame and the brunt of the punishment. The punishment for her sin was a lifetime of blood and pain, especially in childbirth. And all this suffering was passed on from generation-to-generation to children who weren’t aware of what sin they were being punished for.
The man’s punishment, besides having to work for a living, was to sacrifice his first-born son and livestock in the fire so God could smell the smoke and forgive him. Later on, the men didn’t even have to do this because God had his son bleed to death on a cross to replace all the other blood sacrifices. However, women still have to bleed.
Blood was considered the life force because when you bleed the blood from an animal or human, it dies. That is why the Hebrews were forbidden to eat or drink blood and why it had to be spilled to make a sacrifice. That is why they still have Kosher rules.
Now the fundies say that this was because God gave us free will. They couldn’t have gotten this from the Bible. If God and his prophets already know what is going to happen in the future, then where is the free will? No matter what it is or what we do or who we pray to, it’s going to happen. So God set the whole thing up and is responsible for it or he isn’t as all-powerful as they say. You can’t have it both ways. God could be all-powerful or all-good, but not both.
After they ate the apple (or whatever), all of a sudden they found themselves naked and covered themselves with fig leaves, the first fashion statement. God just happened to be walking by – hello! A walking God on two feet just going for a stroll in his new garden? Does that mean you could be walking down the street, pass God, and not even know it? They must have had different kinds of gods in those days.
This reminds me of one day when I was walking through Balboa Park in San Diego. I saw an artist hard at work on a portrait. I asked him, “Who are you painting?”
He told me, “I’m painting a picture of God.”
“That’s crazy. No one knows what God looks like.”
“They will when I’m done,” he replied.
That first bite sure caused a lot of pain and suffering in the world if it ever happened. The Church says that this bite was the original sin and blood had to be sacrificed for it. They say God had to have his own son killed for it. He must not be a very powerful God if he created a whole universe but could not save his own son in the process.
After that, God threw the couple out of his garden and put a flaming sword and some cherubim (plural for cherub) at the gate so they could not sneak back in. What a father! All they walked out with were their fig leaves.
Many other cultures of that period had their creatures that were made up of parts of other creatures. The Assyrians had one with the body of a bull and the head of a man. The cherubim may have been copied from them. The Hebrew legend shows them as human with wings, and thought them to be a higher order of angels. This is the reason we picture angels with wings. The Egyptians had their sphinx and the Greeks their centaurs and Pan.
Now what happened to the garden? Did it just go to seed? If God made it disappear, why did he need the flaming sword and cherubim to protect it? The cherub was similar to a Babylonian mythical creature with the head of a man and the body of a lion and wings of an eagle. So far no one has been able to find the skeletons of such creatures. Over time, artists have made the cherububim into cute little naked flying male babies with bows and arrows and teenie weenie weenies.
Cain and Abel
(Ch 4) Like in the movie, “The Blue Lagoon,” the innocent humans found out about sex and made good use of it. Their sons Cain and Abel were born. If there were any daughters, the author didn’t think it worth mentioning. Even with the limited number of people in those days, Cain was famous for his farm produce while Abel was a hunter.
During this period of history, hunter/gathers were changing into farmers/herdsmen. This could have been a story demonstrating this in oral history. Once they became farmers, they had more control over their lives.
God was hungry and asked them to each whip him up something to sacrifice. Cain made a delicious vegetarian stew while Abel sacrificed a choice piece of meat to God. God didn’t have to worry about his cholesterol.
Cain should have known better. Didn’t he know that all male gods are carnivores? Have you ever heard of anyone sacrificing a tomato? So God said, “What the hell are you giving me that rabbit food for?” But he told Abel how much he enjoyed the steak. “I took it down to Satan and had him barbeque it for me.”
Cain had a nasty temper and told Abel, “Yo man, what do you mean trying to show me up in front of the man?” and he pulled out a shiv and stuck it in his brother. With only three men in the world at that time, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to find out who did the dirty deed.
There were no courts or jails yet. God told Cain he had to be banished. Although there were not many people in the world, God made the world’s first tattoo on Cain’s head that said, “Don’t Kill Me by Order of God.” But some chicks like tattooed men and Cain had no trouble finding a woman and starting a family. As there were no other females around, that we know of, he must have gotten it on with a sister who was never mentioned. Were no priests around yet to tie the knot, not only was their relationship incestuous, they were living in sin.
Actually, it was not certain if Adam and Eve were the only humans created by God. The words “Adam” and “Eve” translate to mean “mankind” and “womankind.” We don’t know if these other people, if they existed, were in the Garden or on the outside.
Cain’s first kid was named “Enoch.” The Bible said that Enoch built a city. With Cain estranged from his family and Abel dead, it must have been a very small city. The rest of the chapter is rather boring with a lot of begetting and begottening. Even old Eve popped out another son they named “Seth.”
(Ch 5) This chapter is rather dull unless you are into genealogy. It is a compilation of who begat whom (males only) and ends with Noah and his three sons. Each person lived for an incredibly long time. Of course, that is absolutely impossible, even with today’s modern medical science. But when dealing with holy writ, anything is possible – even the impossible. Faith is what allows you to believe in the impossible.
Methuselah
Methuselah was supposed to have lived almost a thousand years. If you use the timeline that some of the Christians use, it is likely that Methuselah drowned during the flood. Archeologists have never found skeletons of people nearly that old. The reason for all that longevity was because the stories were first told orally from memory, passing down from generation-to-generation with each generation trying to top the other before the stories finally got written down.
Using this genealogy, religious leaders have estimated the world to be only about 5,000 to 6,000 years old. God probably buried all those dinosaur bones just to test our faith. I failed the test.
Angel Baby
(Ch 6) Now here was something I bet that your Sunday School teachers didn’t tell you. Did you know that angels came down in the flesh and interbred with humans? I guess that the human babes were a lot hotter than the angel babes. The angel babes must have been too pure and “holier than thou” and wouldn’t put out. See, there is sex after death – something to look forward to.
Their earthly bastards were all giants. You know what that means, don’t you? If Noah had some of their DNA, we all might have some angel DNA in our gene pool. Or maybe they were the bad angels that were kicked out of Heaven and we all have a little devil in all of us. That could explain a lot.
Noah and the Flood
Anyone who reads the Babylonian story, “Gilgamesh” can readily see that the flood myth was initially a Samarian and Babylonian epic that predates the Jewish version by almost two millennia. Scholars think the flood story came from a real flood and the story was passed down and modified. Some even think that it might even have been a giant tsunami that swept up the Euphrates river. Others think that it came from a time when the ocean broke through the Biospheres.
But of course what really happened was that God saw his creation getting out of control and he just lost it. He told his angels “OK, so I made a mistake. Only Jesus is perfect. I’ll just drown them all like a litter of kittens and start over again. I’ll just keep one family as breeding stock.”
But how could they sin more than we do today? I guess God just got used to all this sin or we would be living with the fishes today.
(Ch 7) The water was supposed to be 15 cubits deep, but that wouldn’t even come close to covering the summit of Mt. Everest with 15 cubits of water. And can you imagine a magic ship big enough to hold two of all the millions of kinds of creatures, including their food, which, except for the herbivores, were each other?
Then there was the matter of refrigeration for the penguins and polar bears. How did they keep the fresh water fish separate from the salt water fish? Only a fundamentalist of the hundreds of Christian faiths could believe all this – and they do. They say God can do anything. If that's true, why go to all the trouble of making a flood?
A few years ago, The History Channel TV presented, “The Search for the Ark.” It was supposed to be a balanced view, but it was paid for by a religious group. A friend of mine, Bill Lindley, the associate editor of the Truth Seeker magazine, was invited to give the secular view. The producers promised that Bill would be given a chance to tell the scientific view of the myth. When they edited the tape, all Bill was able to say was, “Scientists view the story of Noah and the Ark as a myth . . .”
Then he was cut off and some Christian pseudo-scientist from a Baptist college came on and said there was proof the Ark had landed on Mt. Ararat. He also said they found a piece of the Ark to prove it. It was later revealed that a skeptic had planted the phony piece of wood. But even after that was revealed, this “evidence” is still being used for “proof.” Any wood left would have been used for firewood long ago. First you have the answer and then you make the facts fit it even if it means hammering a square peg into a round hole.
Mt. Ararat is not a mountain but a mountain range. One particular mountain was given the name, but no one knows for sure if that is the mountain mentioned in Genesis. It is a human fallacy that myths sometimes become facts.
(Ch 8) OK. Let’s say that this all happened and Noah sent a bird out to find dry land. Where could a bird find an olive leaf after the trees had been under all that water all that time? Noah must have had a few spare animals because when his ship made land, he sacrificed one. Maybe he sacrificed a unicorn.
After the flood had subsided, God said he would never flood the humans again. To prove it, he stuck a rainbow in the sky. He must have changed the natural laws of refracted light waves. I guess his promise didn’t cover small floods like Johnstown and New Orleans.
Then God told Noah to take all the animals out of the boat and scatter them all over the world. That would be one tough logistical problem. I don’t think that Noah could do this all by himself. Actually, I think that God did the whole job by himself without any outside help from Noah and his family. They were too busy just trying to survive.
(Ch 9) Time passes. Noah grew a vineyard, made some homemade wine, got drunk and passed out in the nude in his tent. It’s easy to make wine. Even prisoners in jail make their own “wine.” They call it pruno as it is often made from prunes from the prison kitchen.
Noah’s son, Ham, forgot to knock on the tent and when he entered, he saw his father passed out naked. When Ham told all his brothers about this, they were horrified. Shem and Japheth grabbed a robe, closed their eyes, and backed into the tent and threw it over Noah.
But Noah found out about it and hit the ceiling (top of the tent). They were more Victorian than the Victorians. So Noah put a curse on Ham that all of his descendants, the future Canaanites, would be slaves to his other two brothers. That was some strict father. Before the U.S. Civil War, Southern white Christians used this and other verses to justify the institution of slavery. And they were right. The Bible does justify slavery. And yet, African Americans are some of the strongest believers. Go figure.
(Ch 10) This chapter is just another genealogy of Noah’s descendants. Tribes in those days took their names from mythological or real ancestors. All the tribe names came from eponymous. OK. I just dropped that word in to show you how learned I am. Tribes that spoke the same language were thought to be brothers and the father might be a nation like Israel and his twelve sons.
Noah's three sons were Shem, Ham and Japheth. Shem was the founder of the Semites which included the Hebrews and other Arab tribes. The Canaanites, who also spoke Hebrew and were the enemies of the Israelites, were supposedly the descendants of Ham and were considered slaves to the Israelites.
The Tower of Babel
(Ch 11) Now we fast-forward to the story of the Tower of Babel. Babel, Babylon – could this have been another Babylonian myth copied by the Jewish scribes during their captivity? Once upon a time, all the people of the world were living in the immediate area around the Garden of Eden – even the Indians from the Americas, whom no one knew existed.
They all got together one day and decided to build a tower of brick and mortar that reached into Heaven so they could visit God. God didn’t like the idea of humans dropping in uninvited, so he gave them all different languages. Because they couldn’t talk to each other, they drifted all over the world. I guess he changed them into different races as there wasn't evolution to explain the variations in humans.
The Middle-Easterners are still trying to reach Heaven. I hear that an Arab sheik has built the tallest building in the world in Dubia. This time, God only bankrupted him.
The rest of the chapter is more of who begat whom. Whoever put this book together (God?) didn’t know anything about editing a book. No one cares now who begat whom and this is all a waste of ink and paper. After all, when you read the story of the American Revolution, you don’t go into the family genealogy of all the participants.
Now comes the big story: the saga of Abram. No, he isn’t named Abraham yet. This is the story of the founding of the Jewish religion. What I want to know is what was God doing all this time before Abram? Did he just all of a sudden decide to have a pet human?
Jews are not a race. Over the years they intermarried with the other tribes in the area; in addition, they also had converts and slaves they captured and interbred with. And today, not all people who call themselves Jewish, are even religious.
They aren’t all Semites either. There was once a Balkan country named Khazar which was located between the Turkish Muslims and the Orthodox Catholics. Askanazi Jews are descended from the Khazars. The Khazars were a Turkic people and had a very liberal, advanced civilization. Some believe that if the Khazars choose either Muslim or Christianity, like their next-door neighbors, to be their national religion, they would offend the other.
So, although both Muslims and Christians were welcome, the king encouraged all his subjects to convert to Judaism as a compromise. The Khazar people used Jewish personal names, spoke and wrote in Hebrew, circumcised males, had synagogues and rabbis, studied the Torah and Talmud, and observed Hanukkah, Pesach, and the Sabbath.
(Ch 12) God promised Abe that all his descendants would become a mighty race. So Abe (for those days a young 75) his wife, slaves, concubines, cattle, tents and other stuff, along with his nephew, Lot, and all his stuff, took leave of Ur where his family was located. It was in the country of Iraq, what was then Babylon. Ur was a Sumerian city on the Euphrates at the delta. The OT says that it was Ur of the Chaldeans but the Chaldeans never conquered the area until a thousand years later. This shows you that it was written well after the story was supposed to have happened in the Babylonian period.
Some Jewish traditions suggest that Abe might have left because of a disagreement over gods. He had one god and his relatives had many. A Jewish myth has it that his father was an idol-maker. Anyway, they got to Canaan, which just happened to be populated with Canaanites. Abe built an altar and sacrificed some sheep to God. Abe knew better than to sacrifice vegetables by then, plus, where would a nomadic herdsman get fresh vegetables?
God's Promise
God was feeling so good after the sacrifice that he promised Abram all of Canaan to his future descendants. That was one of the dumbest things God ever did. This caused all the problems we have in the Middle East today. Plus all the “Hebrews” had to be killed first. The Jews didn't not speak Hebrew until they had conquered the territory first and took over the local customs making them the new Hebrews.
God caused a famine to strike Canaan, and Abram took his entourage to Egypt to find food. Sarai must have been one hot babe, even in her 90s, as Abram was afraid that an Egyptian would take one look at her and kill him so he could have her. So Abram told everyone that she was his sister. An Egyptian king heard about how beautiful she was and Abram gave her to the king. The king gave Abe lots of cattle and slaves, making him rich.
This upset God so much that, instead of just explaining the misunderstanding to the king, he made the king and everyone in his palace sick. You would think God would be angrier with Abram rather than the king, as it was Abe who pimped his wife. Somehow the message got through to the king and he asked Abe, “Why the hell did you pimp off your wife to me and piss off your god? Here! Take your damn wife back and get the hell out of my country.”
So he threw Abe and all his stuff out of Egypt. I’m surprised the king didn’t just kill Abe and take all his stuff, including Sarai. Maybe he thought Abe’s god was stronger than his.
(Ch 13) After his Egyptian misadventure, Abe took all his shit and all his people, including Lot, and headed back to Canaan. By that time he was very rich for a nomad. They all settled down near where the future town of Bethel would be. However, their flocks grew so fast that it got too crowded for Abe and Lot’s flocks to graze together. Lot’s shepherds started to fight with Abe’s guys over grazing land.
Abe and Lot Split Up
So Abe sez, “Hey, let’s all be cool. This place is too cramped for both of our tribes. Lot, you go one way and I’ll go the other.” So Lot picked up and headed to the Jordan river near Sodom. I guess he hadn’t heard that Sodom made San Francisco look like Salt Lake City. The famine was over by then, so Abe headed back to Canaan.
(Ch 14) Unfortunately, Lot arrived in the middle of a war between two groups of kings. I don’t know why the Bible calls them kings. They were just a bunch of tribal chieftains. Anyway, the so-called kings of Sodom and Gomorrah lost the rumble to the other side led by king Chadorlaomer. He took all the booty and headed home. Unfortunately, Lot’s tribe was part of the booty.
Someone escaped and told Abe that Lot had been captured. Ol’ Abe got together his posse and went to the rescue. He smote Chad and his boys something fierce. I like the word “smote.” We should use it more today. Like, “Yea, and the army of King Bush smote the army of King Saddam Hussein.” Abe won the day but was so rich that he refused to take any of the booty except for expenses.
After saving Lot, Abe gives 10 percent of all his loot to Melchizedek, the king and priest of Salam. Now if Abe was the first monotheist, who was this guy Melchizedek and why did he get the donation? Maybe he was just the local priest and Abe might have just been placating the local god. This is one of many incomplete stories in the Bible.
Abe Wants a Son
(Ch 15) Abe complained to God, “Sarai can’t conceive and I don’t have anyone to leave my stuff to when the time comes for me to check out.” God replied, “Don’t sweat it, Abe. You gotta have a little faith in me. You see all those stars in the sky? Well, that’s how many descendants you are going to have in the future.” God didn’t call them descendants. He called them “seeds.” Like “That’s a handsome seed you have there, Mrs. Smith.” or “Hey, you seeds! Behave yourselves or I’ll plant one on you.”
Then God told Abe, “Take a heifer, a goat and a ram along with a pigeon and a dove and sacrifice them to me. But first, except for the birds, chop them up in smaller pieces so they burn easier.” God must have really worked up an appetite.
God gave Abe a prediction. He told Abe, “Your seed will all be slaves in a strange land for 400 years, but when they leave, they will first rip off a lot of stuff to take with them.” I wonder why he wanted them all enslaved? Then he added, “I’ll make a deal with you. You keep doing what I say and your people can have all the land from the Nile to the Euphrates River.” He failed to tell him they would have to wipe out the entire population already there. Lives weren’t worth much in those days. According to anti-abortionists nowadays, even a cell from a flake of skin has a soul.
Abe Knocks Up Wife's Maid
(Ch 16) As I said before, Sarai could not get knocked up. The fact that she was over 90 years old didn’t help. And they didn’t have fertility clinics in those days. Sarai told Abe, “Hey old man, leave me alone and knock up my maid instead, if you can still get it up.” So Abe rises to the occasion and fucks the maid (if you pardon my French). I know I should write, “f_ _ k. But heck! We're all adults here. No child should ever read the Bible anyway until their little brains develop.
In those days they would say, “He knew her.” That must have been confusing when you made an introductions and asked, “Do you know Mrs. Smith?”
Anyway, Hagar, the maid, soon became in the family way. However, Sarai got jealous of Hagar even though it was her idea. That’s a woman for you. Couldn’t make up her mind. So Sarai told Abe, “I don’t want to see that slut around here anymore. You’ve got to choose between the two of us.”
“Hey, she’s your maid; you do whatever you want with her.” So Sarai took her frustrations out on Hagar by beating her.
Hagar said, “I ain’t gona take any more of this shit. I’m getting the hell out of here,” and Hagar ran away. This could put a kink in God’s plan, so he sent an angel to patch things up.
The angel sez, “Where you going, girlfriend? Don’t you know God has special plans for you? Don’t let that bitch Sarai diss you. You tough it out and The Man will make yo son the father of a lot of gangs.” Not all angels are white.
Ishmael is supposedly the progenitor of all the Arabs. The Muslims recognize Abraham as their patriarch and they include much of Genesis in their Koran. Their legend has it that both Hagar and Ishmael are buried in Mecca. The Arabians were influenced by Judaism and Christianity when they established Islam in the seventh century A.C.E. They even accept the Virgin Mary and Jesus as prophet who ascended to Heaven. The Mormons also recognize JC as a prophet and not a god, but they still call themselves Christians.
Hebrews Get Clipped
(Ch 17) When Abe was 99 years old, God told him, “Yo, Abe, my man. You remember that deal we made where all your people picked me to be their god and I give them all that land with milk and honey? Well, there are two minor conditions I forgot to tell you. First, you have to change your name to Abraham. The other one is that all the men in your tribe, including slaves, have to cut off some skin from the ends of their dicks.” This was a form of a blood sacrifice for humans. The sacrificial animals had their throats cut.
That’s what they all did and it was no small thing, considering that they didn’t have sterilized scalpels and antiseptics. Scholars say that this custom originated long before God told Abraham to do it, and some other Semitic and African tribes still do it. Some say the Jews got it from the Egyptians.
There is still controversy over this. To be cut or not to be cut, that is the question. I’m not of the Jewish persuasion, but they did it to me without my permission when I was too young to protest. It used to be that everyone who was born in an American hospital was clipped, supposedly for health reasons. Now you, or rather your parents, have a choice. They should wait until their babies are old enough to decide for themselves.
Circumcision was not new nor a custom solely of the Israelites. The custom goes back into prerecorded history. It was practiced by the Egyptians and the Canaanites under the Egyptians after they conquered the area. It was only after the exile in Babylon that it became important to the Jews to set them apart from the Babylonians.
Then God went on to say, “Oh, and while I’m at it, I am going to change Sarai’s name to ‘Sarah.’ I think that it sounds much nicer, don’t you? And to top it all off, I am going to fix her female problem so you both can raise a little seed of your own. You are going to name him Isaac, and he will make a lot of grandkids and great-grandkids for you to bounce on your knees.”
“How can I have kids if I am over 100 and Sarah is over 90?”
“Oy, don’t vorry about it,” God said. “I’ll take care of everything.”
Sodom and Gomorrah
(Ch 18) One day Abe, I still call him “Abe,” was kicking back with a brewski in his tent while the temperature outside was in the high 90s when he saw God himself with three men. They must have been angels without wings in disguise. Abe had Sarah and her servants butcher a calf, bake some bread, and make a meal for them. God eats? I thought he just snorted smoke from burnt flesh. Without refrigeration and microwaves, there was no fast food in those days and everything had to be made from scratch the same day. No wonder they had to have so many wives, slaves and concubines.
One of the angels told Abe that Sarah was going to become pregnant and have an heir for Abraham. Sarah laughed when she heard this and said that she was past her child-bearing days.
God told Abe, “The main reason me and the boys dropped by is that in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, sin and corruption have gotten so out of hand that I have decided to wipe them off the face of the Earth.” They were even worse than Tijuana and Las Vegas combined.
Abe tried to talk him out of it and got God to agree that if he could find even 20 righteous people, he wouldn’t destroy all of them. Unfortunately for Sodom, the only righteous people he could find there were Lot and his family. While Abe was haggling with God, the three angels headed out for Sodom. God probably went up to Heaven to get all the fire and brimstone ready. As brimstone comes from volcanoes, God probably used one to do the job.
(Ch 19) When Lot saw the angels at the gate to the city, he rushed over and invited them to his house for dinner. I guess both gods and angels eat. I wonder what they eat in Heaven – angel food cake, what else? Sorry, I had to slip that one in. Lot invited them to spend the night at his house to get an early start in the morning. Angels sleep? One doesn’t want to destroy cities without a good night’s sleep and a hearty breakfast.
Those angels must have been real hunks because when the men in the city saw them, they wanted to gangbang them. They told Lot to send them out or they would break his door down and drag them out. But Lot told them, “Hey, these are my guests – I saw them first. You really don’t want to fuck around with them. Tell you what. I’ve got a couple of virgin daughters you can party with.”
But one of the members of the crowd yelled back, “Send them out. We want ass, not pussy. If you don’t send them out, we will fuck you even worse.” Pardon me for being so crude, but I write what they probably said. The angels came to Lot’s rescue and pulled him back into the house. Then they smote (I love that word) the Sodomites with blindness. They were lucky that God wasn’t there or he would have fried their asses.
Actually there probably wasn’t any homosexuality involved at all. The Bible said that all the men of the city, young and old, were involved. That doesn’t sound like a very romantic dalliance to me. In those days it was common for men to rape their enemies to show their dominance over them – to put them in their place, equal to that of a lowly woman.
The angels told Lot, “Take your family, including your sons-in-law, and get the hell out of here before we smite the city. Whatever you do, don’t look back.” None of the sons-in-law were willing to leave, so Lot took his wife and the two virgin daughters, whom he had been about to throw to the crowd, and lit out for the mountains. But you know how curious women can be. Lot’s wife had to look back and she was immediately turned into a pillar of salt. I’m sure it is not still there as animals like to lick salt.
As you know, the two cities were covered with fire and brimstone and haven’t been found to this day. Archaeologists think it is possible that they may have been destroyed by a volcanic eruption and buried under the Dead Sea when it wasn’t as low as it is today. The Dead Sea keeps getting smaller every year because of evaporation.
Keeping Incest Within the Family
Now here is the strange part. After they moved to the mountains, the two daughters were getting horny and there weren’t any eligible men in the neighborhood. They may have thought God had destroyed everyone in the world except them. So the eldest daughter said to her sister, “Let’s pick up a jug of wine and get Pop drunk. Then we will seduce him. If we don’t get knocked up soon, there won’t be any people after us.”
Now how could Lot be so drunk as not to remember a little incest but still be able to perform? I guess God didn’t mind as he didn’t say anything. The daughters had sons who founded tribes that later in the future fought with the Hebrews. I wonder what the moral of this story is – a little incest is not a mortal sin as long as you keep it in the family.
Abe Pimps Wife Again
(Ch 20) In this chapter, Abe was pimping his wife again. Either Sarah was one hot babe for over 90 or this chapter was in the wrong place. Maybe this was the world’s first flashback in a book. I think that this story was just a different version of the one with the Pharaoh. Remember at the beginning I told you how there were two different versions of Genesis combined into the third?
This time the victim was Abe’s neighbor, Abimelech, the king of Gerar. However, before he touched her, this time God warned him, “Hold on there dawg, Give Abe back his old lady (a real old lady) or you won’t see the light of day. Plus I’ll kill everyone in your tribe and make them sterile.” Now why would God want to make anyone sterile after they were already dead? Aren’t they already sterile if they are dead?
So Abimelech goes to Abe and asks him, “You schmuck! Why the hell did you set me up with your God by palming off your old lady as your sister? Here’s a thousand pieces of silver. Now take your god damned god off my back.” I wonder if this was a regular scam of God and Abe’s as there is still a third version of this scam to come.
Abe Kicks Out Mistress and Son
(Ch 21) Sarah finally got pregnant and had Isaac. When he was eight days old, you know what happened to his little pecker. Sarah was still jealous of Hagar and her son Ishmael and wanted them kicked out of the hood. God told Abe to listen to his wife, so Abe gave Hagar one bottle of water and one loaf of bread and told the bitch to hit the road with her bastard son. Talk about your caring father. Today he would be arrested for child abandonment. But that wasn’t God’s problem.
Eventually Hagar ran out of water and her son was dying of thirst. God heard her crying and sent a flunky angel to check and see what all the wailing was about. You would think he‘d already know. “Cut out all that noise, bitch. What’s the problem?”
She answered, “Just how far does God think we can go on one bottle of water?” So the angel did some of his/her voodoo and, poof! A water well popped down into the ground.
“There now. Satisfied? Since your bastard son’s father was Abraham, God decided to make your son the father of all the Arabs. They will have to put up with all that black sticky stuff that oozes out of all that dry desert land, but God’s favorite comes first and gets the best land.”
A Well of a Tale
Now we get back to Abraham and Abimelech. It seems that Abimelech’s boys took a well away from Abe’s boys. Abimelech learned his lesson the first time and wanted nothing to do with Abe’s god.
He said, “Hey! I didn’t know about the well until now. You take it back. You have to admit that I have bent over backwards to be a good neighbor, even after that trick you played on me with your wife. So please make nice with my sons and grandsons. You are welcome to stay here as long as you like.” Abe gave Abimelech some sheep and oxen and they made a non-aggression pact.
(Ch 22) As you might have guessed by now, the god of this period of time was not the god he was going to evolve into. Jehovah was a tribal god who could walk and talk like the savage nomadic sheep and goat herders who invented him. The proof is that although the Bible said God never changes, Jehovah was not the loving god people worship today. The Ten Commandments hadn’t arrived on the scene yet.
Unlike the religions of the neighboring tribes, Abraham’s eventually became monotheistic and his god was usually invisible without an idol to pinpoint him. However, like most of the gods of the time, Jehovah accepted burnt offerings. Most impartial scholars think that Jehovah also accepted human sacrifices like all his neighbors. Although you won’t hear about it in church, there were two incidents in the Bible of Jehovah accepting human sacrifices. (See Judges 11:30-40 and II Samuel 21:1-9) When you had a famine or an important battle, you sacrificed your most precious thing. Being first born is not always best thing you could be.
Abe Tries to Sacrifice Son
Abraham wasn’t too surprised one day when Jehovah asked him to sacrifice his favorite son to prove his loyalty to Him. Abe headed off to a high mountain (mountains were considered closer to God) with Isaac, wood, knife, and fire. “Hey, Pops!,” exclaimed Isaac. “We’ve got most of the makings, but where is the meat to sacrifice?”
“Don’t worry, Son. The Lord will provide,” Abe lied, not wanting to freak the poor kid out. Can you imagine how you would feel if God ordered you to kill your own son? But with teenagers today, I can see how one could be tempted. When Abe reached the top of the mountain, he built an altar and started a fire.
He started to tie Isaac up. “Pop! What are you doing? Are you some kind of religious nut?”
Just as Abe raised his knife to cut his son’s throat (the blood had to be drained out before the body would burn), God commanded, “Stop, Abe! You’ve proven your point. Don’t kill the kid. Use that ram over there caught in the bushes.” In those days God couldn’t foretell the future so he had to have believers go through tests like this. God would be arrested for child abuse if he were a human today. I‘ll bet Isaac thought twice before going on any long walks with his father after that. Some think that this was the point in Jewish history when human sacrifices were replaced with animals.
The balance of the chapter is just more genealogy stuff.
Abe Sticks Sarah's Body in Cave
(Ch 23) This is a short chapter. Sarah died of old age. Abraham bought a cave from a local land-owner for 400 shekels of silver and stuck his wife in. That’s a lot of money for just a hole in the ground. But you haven't heard the last of Sarah.
Butler Grabs Abe's Balls
(Ch 24) Abraham was getting old, even for biblical patriarchs, and he was starting to feel it. He asked his head honcho to grab his nuts and swear on them that he wouldn’t let Isaac marry any of the local Canaanite women. I guess the local women weren’t good enough for Abe’s kid.
I already told you about testifying on testicles, didn’t I? No? Well, in those days that was the custom. Even the Romans did it but they swore on their own balls. Maybe that’s the reason Italians sometimes grab themselves and say, “I got your . . . right here!” The most important thing in those days was the family. So you swore an oath on your family jewels. I’m glad we don’t do this in court today. Can you picture a witness grabbing the judge by his nuts? This is where you get the words testify, testament and testimony. Isn’t etymology fascinating?
Steward Find Wife at Well
Abe’s head steward took some camels, jewels, and other gifts and headed out for Mesopotamia where Abe’s relatives lived. The steward arrived at the town well and prayed, “Lord – make it that if a virgin comes to the well, gives me a drink of water, and waters my camels, that she will be the one to marry Isaac.” They had strange ways of picking wives in those days. Nowadays we have eHarmony. com and singles bars.
Sure enough. A really stunning girl came to get water at the well. I imagine that she was a virgin but he didn’t check, and she drew some water from the well, gave him a drink, and his camels also. It just so happened she was Abe’s great-niece. He put a ring in her nose – ouch! Today proposals are made by the groom with a ring on the finger.
Her name was Rebecca. She took the steward home to meet Abe’s brother Nahor and the rest of the family. The steward, we were never given his name, told her father, Abe’s brother’s son, that God picked her to be the lucky woman, and the whole Jewish nation would be based upon them. So her father agreed and they ate, drank, and were merry. The next day, Rebecca and her servants, along with “what’s his name,” the steward, headed back to Isaac and wedded bliss.
They were met by Isaac, who took her to meet Sarah, his mother. Now I know you are going to tell me that Sarah died in the last chapter, but it’s not my fault that God can’t keep his chapters in order. Either that or they dug her up again. Rebecca “comforted” Isaac when his mother finally died for the last time. You would think that, as the Bible is the most widely read book in the world, someone would have spent a little more time in editing it.
Abe Marries Again
(Ch 25) Abe took another wife, Keturah, and she had six sons. Wow! For a guy well over a hundred, he sure was virile. Then Abe gave Isaac everything he owned. But to make sure there were no complications with the will, he paid off all his concubine’s sons and sent them on their way.
I hope he gave them more than just a jug of water and a loaf of bread. Then he died and was shoved into the cave with Sarah by Isaac and Ishmael. You remember Isaac’s elder half-brother, Ishmael, don’t you? I’m surprised Ishmael kept in touch with the family with the way Abraham treated him and his mother.
The rest of the chapter gives the genealogy of Ishmael’s seed.
Isaac was 40 when he married Rebecca – a bit late to start a family which was supposed to grow into a nation. I doubt he was celibate all that time.
(Ch 25) Here is a minor quandary. In the last chapter, Rebecca was a great-niece of Abraham. In this one, she was a Syrian. That would make Abe’s brother a Syrian. Now it’s Rebecca’s turn to be infertile. They sure had a lot of infertile mothers of famous men in those days, just so God could fix them. Why was it always the women who were infertile?
Rebecca finally had twins kicking around in her womb. They were the future fathers of two nations. God predicted that one would be stronger than the other and that the older one would serve the younger. God got it only half right – the older never served the younger. But in these early stories, the names of people were usually the names of tribes. The tribe of the older, Esau, became the Edomites, who were conquered by the Israelites, the descendants of Jacob, the younger son.
Jacob and Esau
The first one who popped out was a red-headed, hairy little devil they named Esau. Coming right after him, holding onto his foot, was cute little Jacob. It would have been simpler if God had just made them come out in the correct order.
After they grew up, Esau was the hunter and Jacob was more of a mama’s boy. Esau was Isaac’s favorite while Jacob was Rebecca’s – shades of Cain and Abel. One day when Esau came back famished from a hunt, Jacob had cooked a pot of lentil stew. Jacob persuaded Esau to promise him his birthright before he gave him anything to eat. Esau wasn’t the brightest candle in the tent and and he agreed. Moral lesson: it is OK to cheat your brother as long as you feed him afterwards.
(Ch 26) This is another confusing chapter. Jehovah should have let one of his angels edit it first. Even I could do a better job and I had to hire an editor and proofreader before this book could go to press. The story starts with Isaac going to Abimelech, the Philistine. Hold it! Wasn’t Abimelech the king of Gerar? A minor detail.
God showed up and told Isaac not to go to Egypt but to stay in the land where he ordered him to stay put. God went into his spiel about him multiplying Isaac’s seed and promising his seed all this land in the future. It was a good thing that Abimelech didn’t hear him.
Like father like son. Isaac told Abimelech that Rebecca, his wife, was his sister. I guess he thought the scam worked so well for Abe that he would give it a try. You’d think old Abimelech would have learned by now. When he saw Isaac “sporting” with Rebecca, he saw the light. He told Isaac, “You schmuck! Why the hell are you doing this to us? Someone could have had his way with your wife and brought down the wrath of your god on us.”
So Abimelech told all his people to keep their hands off Rebecca. This time God didn’t get involved and Abimelech didn’t have to pay off Isaac. But Isaac didn’t care. He grew rich when God rewarded him with a bumper crop, at least rich enough for a nomadic tribesman turned farmer.
More Well Problems
However, the local Philistines became jealous and fought over the water wells. They filled in the wells that Abraham had dug. Abimelech told Isaac, “Your flock is getting too big and hogging all the grass. Get the flock off our land and go find yourself another place.”
It was about time Abimelech kicked those ungrateful Hebrews out. But maybe I shouldn’t call them Hebrews because they didn’t speak Hebrew until they took over and killed most of the Canaanites, including the Philistines, and copied their language. Maybe I should call them “pre-Hebrews.”
Isaac dug a new well but the Philistines came and said, “This well is ours too. It is on our tribal land.” This happened a number of times until Isaac dug a well they didn’t take. God came and went into his usual spiel about how all his seed and all the land . . . well, I’m sure you remember all this by now.
Abimelech showed up and Isaac said, “What the hell do you want now? I thought you hated us.” Only he didn’t say “Hell” as Hell hadn’t been invented yet.
Abimelech replied, “I see now that you have your god on your side and he is stronger than ours, so I would like to make a treaty with you.” They made a treaty and had a party, or as they called it, “made merry.”
The chapter ends with Esau marrying a Hittite woman against the wishes of Isaac and Rebecca.
(Ch 27) The Hebrews had a custom of saying the same thing over again but in a different way. Sort of like when George Bush said “. . . and I say that we are winning the war against terrorism – the war against terrorism is being won.” And what they said was similar to Bush’s statements in that they weren’t always true.
Jacob Scams His Father
Isaac was getting old and wanted to give his blessing to Esau who was the oldest by a foot. Isaac had this craving for venison and asked Esau to kill a deer before he gave him his blessing. Rebecca found out and had Isaac kill and roast a young kid (a goat, not a boy). She cooked it in a savory sauce so Isaac won’t know the difference. Esau was smelly and hairy so Jacob put on one of Esau’s dirty shirts and the skin of the kid on his arms. This fooled Isaac and Jacob got the blessing.
In those days, you couldn’t un-bless someone. Once you were blessed, you stayed blessed forever. It must have been some kind of legal ritual that was binding even if it was obtained under fraudulent means. This meant Jacob was the boss and Esau had to work for him. What Esau really needed was a good Jewish lawyer.
The moral of this story is that God doesn’t mind a little fraud as long as you get what you want. Don’t forget, God predicted all this. I’m really disappointed in Jehovah. I think I’ll take up Buddhism.
Rebecca heard that Esau planned to solve this problem by eliminating Jacob after Isaac died. She told Jacob, “Go to my brother’s house until this all blows over.” She told Isaac she was sending Jacob to her brothers so he could find a wife. “I won’t have a son of mine marrying any of these local Canaanite sluts.”
(Ch 28) I guess Isaac forgot about the mix-up in blessings because he blessed Jacob and sent him on his way. Meanwhile, Esau knew that Isaac didn’t want him to marry a girl from Canaan, so he went to his Uncle, Ishmael, and married Mahalath, Ishmael’s daughter. They intermarried with relatives more than the hillbillies from West Virginia do now.
A Stairway to Heaven
Back to Jacob – he stopped for the night and used a rock for a pillow. Surely he could have found something softer than that. I don’t blame him for having a weird dream. He dreamed of a ladder to Heaven with angels climbing up and down. This was before elevators were invented. I’m sure that nowadays angels either use escalators or fly.
Then God gave Jacob his usual spiel about how prolific his seed was going to be and all the land they were going to end up with – the same story he gave Abe and Isaac. I hope you notice that so far none of them had been very prolific in sowing their seeds. They had better get started if they were going to establish a large nation.
When Jacob woke up from his dream, he thought he was at the location of the stairway to Heaven and he poured oil on his rock pillow. Don’t ask me why. He called the place Bethel, and later the city of Bethel was supposedly built there. My guess is that it was just a local fable about how the city was founded. Jacob promised to give God 10 percent of everything he made. I think some smart priest slipped this one in.
(Ch 29) When Jacob got near Laban, his mother’s brother, he came upon a well. There were shepherds at the well and he asked them if they knew Laban. “Yes, we know him,” answered one of them. “And here comes his daughter, Rachel, with his flock.”
When she arrived, he watered her flock and kissed her. “I am your mother’s brother’s son,” he introduced himself. In the other story, it was the girl who did the watering. Wells took the place of singles bars in those days.
So he went with her and stayed at her home for a month. Laban asked Jacob, “Since you are working for me, what should I pay you?”
Jacob replied, “I love your daughter, Rachel. I’ll tell you what. I will work for you for seven years if you will sell her to me.” Women in those days didn’t have much of a choice. It was all part of God’s punishment for the apple thing. Come to think of it, women in many cultures still don’t have much of a choice.
Still, seven years is a lot to pay for a wife when some of them were just given away. You could buy a whole harem for that. None of the others cost that much, and wasn’t it usually the wife’s family that paid the dowry? I don’t see him waiting seven years before “getting any.”
But love is blind and Jacob worked for seven years. But then Laban pulled a dirty trick on him. On the wedding night Laban switched Rachel with his older and plainer daughter, Leah. With the veil and all the celebrating he had been doing, Jacob didn’t notice the switch until the next morning.
By that time, the goods had been damaged and couldn’t be returned. There must be a moral teaching in here somewhere, after all, this is the Bible but God didn’t say anything about the fraud, thus it must be OK to pull a fast one on your son-in-law especially when he is your nephew.
Two Sisters, Two Wives
Needless to say, Jacob wasn’t too happy about this. “I slaved seven years for you and you do this to me? I hope you have a good explanation.”
“Oh, I thought you knew. I had no choice. The law here is firm that the oldest daughter has to be married first. But don’t worry. If you work for me for another seven years, I’ll not only give you two virgins, you won’t even have to wait to possess the goods.” Because he loved Rachel, Jacob didn’t have a choice and agreed. However, Jacob hated Leah because of the deception but that didn’t stop him from performing his manly duties to both women.
God can really be a trickster. When he saw that Jacob hated Leah for her part in the subterfuge, he made her fertile and Rachel barren. Leah was so fertile that she popped out four sons, one after another. Naturally, Rachel was upset. After all, that’s all women were good for in those days – baby factories. The slaves did all the housework.
(Ch 30) She told Jacob, “Give me some babies, preferably male, before I die.”
“Woman, it’s not my fault. I’ve been fucking my brains out with both of you and only she gets results.”
“Well, then knock up my maid so I can have a baby by her.” So he did and the maid did one after the other – two sons.
Again Leah had a dry spell and told Jacob, “Hey Super Stud, this isn’t fair. You’ve got to service my maid, too.” Poor Jacob. He hardly got a night’s sleep. Four women to service – most men’s fantasy. But at least he had the Sabbath to rest. Leah’s maid gave Jacob two sons.
Reuben, Leah’s oldest son, picked flowers for his mother. When Rachel saw this, she asked her if she could have some. Leah retorted, “It’s not enough that you stole my husband, now you want my flowers also.”
“Oh, don’t get your knickers in an uproar. I’ll tell you what I’ll do,” Rachel replied. “You give me the flowers and I’ll tell Jacob that I have a headache and he will have to sleep with you tonight.” Like most men, he didn’t care who he slept with as long as he got a little. And what do you know? Leah got in the conception way and had her fifth son. And nine months later, another. And still later, finally a daughter, at least one we know of.
Then God remembered, “Oops, I forgot Rachel,” and Rachel had Joseph and later, Benjamin. I guess that makes God a godfather. What’s with all these women? Were they having a baby-making contest to see who could have the most?
Jacob Strikes Out on His Own
Finally, Jacob had all he could take and told Laban, “You know, I’ve worked for you for over 14 years. I would like to have my pay and move on to start my own tribe. Your two daughters and their maids have sure given me a head start. You do know that since I have started working for you, with my god’s help, I have multiplied your flocks many times. But I’m an easy man to deal with. I’ll tell you what. I’ll just take all the animals with spots and you can have all the rest.”
Laban just couldn’t help trying to take advantage of Jacob. He had his sons take all the spotted animals and hide them. But you can’t put one over on Jacob and Jehovah. God gave Jacob some magic roots. When you waved them at the animals, the roots made spots on them. That sounds like something a shaman would use today in a primitive culture.
How could the creator of the whole universe with the billions and billions, no, trillions of other planets get involved in something so mundane as a family squabble on a third-rate planet? With all the other things more important going on in the world, how could he demean himself by playing with roots?
(Ch 31) When Laban and his sons found out how Jacob had called their hand, they were livid with anger. God told Jacob to hightail it back home and not to worry as he would always be with him. Maybe he had something up his sleeve more powerful than magic roots. Jacob’s two wives backed him up as they were angry with Laban for selling them and for taking their money.
They took off on camels towards Canaan. However, unknown to anyone else, Rachel didn’t want to go off and leave the family gods, so she stole them. I don’t blame her for not trusting Jacob’s god. A god in the hand is worth more than three in the sky. When Laban found out, he took out after Jacob with all his men. Before he caught up with Jacob, God (that is, Jehovah, not the idols) told Laban not to bother Jacob. I wonder how he conveyed the message. Did God just come right up to him and tell him, or was it in a dream?
Laban camped on the other side of a river across from Jacob and his group. “Why did you sneak off like that in the middle of the night, kidnaping my daughters and grandsons? I didn’t have a chance to kiss them all goodbye. I would have thrown them a going-away party. And on top of all that, you stole all my household gods and all I have to worship are the ones in the barn. You know that I could wipe you off the face of the earth if I wanted to, but your god told me not to, and since most of my good gods are missing, I though it wise to do what he said.”
Jacob replied, “I was afraid that you would take your daughters back by force. However, I didn’t take your damn gods. My god is all that I can handle.” He didn’t know that Rachael had taken them so he added, “You can look for them yourself and if you find that someone stole them, I’ll see to it that he is killed.” Laban and his men searched Jacob’s baggage. When he went to Rachel’s tent to search, she sat on the camel pack where the gods were hidden. When Laban came to the pack, she told him that she was having her period. Women and anything they touched were considered unclean when they were having their periods, thus he passed her by.
Jacob was angry with Laban. “What did I ever do to you that would make you come after me? If you find any of your household stuff here, bring it out and if it is yours, you can take it. Twenty years I have slaved for you. Fourteen for my wives and six for my cattle.” At least a wife costs one year more than a herd of cattle. “I have worked my tail off for you and what did you do? You have changed the terms of our agreement ten times. I slaved for you in the rain, snow, and drought. If it weren’t for my god’s help, I would be going home empty-handed.”
“These are my daughters, those are my children, and these are my cattle,” Laban replied. “Everything you see here is mine. But what can I do about it with your god on your side?” Greedy bastard.
Jacob stacked a pile of rocks and they ate on top of it. In those days, lawyers hadn’t been invented, and most people didn’t know how to write a contract. So when tribes made agreements or treaties, they made a pile of rocks or an altar to remind each party of what was sworn to. In addition, they probably also grabbed their nuts and swore an oath. Disagreements were simpler to resolve. If you disagreed, you fought and considered the tribe or individual who won in the right.
Jacob agreed not to harm Laban’s daughters and not to take any more wives. Concubines didn’t count. They both agreed that neither of them would cross past the pile of rocks to harm the other. Then Jacob made a sacrifice to Jehovah. After spending the night, Laban kissed his daughters and grandsons and returned home.
Jacob Meets Esau
(Ch 32) On his way, Jacob met a group of angels, but the Bible didn’t say why they were even mentioned. Maybe this was another story that was incomplete. When Jacob got closer to home, he sent a messenger to tell Esau that he had his own cattle and slaves and asked if he would be welcome.
The messenger returned and told Jacob that Esau was on his way with 400 men. Naturally, this worried Jacob. He wasn’t sure if Esau had forgiven the dirty trick he had played on him. To be on the safe side, he divided his possessions into two groups so if Esau were to smite him (the present tense of smote) he would only lose half.
He prayed, “God, you told me to return to my relatives and you would protect me. I may not be worthy of it, but please don’t let my brother smite me. And if you don’t let him, I promise to be good and spread my seed all over the place.”
Just to be on the safe side, he decided to soften things up by sending Eau a large gift of 200 she goats, 20 he goats, 200 ewes, 20 rams, 30 milk camels with colts, 40 cows, 10 bulls, 20 she asses, and 10 he asses. Wow! That’s a lot of animals. Jacob must have really made out working for Laban to afford all this and still have even more left over for himself.
He told his servants to go ahead and give them to Esau. “And if he asks you where they came from, tell him that they came from Jacob and that he is waiting for him. Maybe with this gift, he will forget about what I did to him and accept me.”
In the middle of the night, just to be on the safe side, Jacob sent his two wives, 11 sons and their personal servants across the river for their protection while he stayed behind.
Jacob Wrestles with God
Now, this is where it starts to get weird. I think he just had a nightmare. Jacob came across a stranger and they wrestled all night. The stranger touched a tendon in a hollow of Jacob’s thigh and knocked his joint out. The stranger said, “Let me go as it is almost daylight.” But Jacob said, “I won’t let you go until you bless me.” The stranger asked him his name and Jacob told him.
Then the stranger said, “Your name is now Israel as you have power with God and men and you have prevailed.” Jacob asked him his name, but he didn’t say. Jacob said, “I have seen the Lord face-to-face and survived (contradicting Exodus 33:20).” Now come on! A man beating God at wrestling? God could beat him with one wing tied behind his back if he wanted. This sounds like a child’s fairy tale that was added to the book by mistake.
Jacob’s, or rather, Israel’s, tendon was still out of whack and it is said that Jews will never eat tendons. I’ll have to ask a Jew and see if that is still true. But who would want to eat a tendon anyway?
(Ch 33) When Jacob saw Esau in the distance with his 400 men, he put the maids and their children in front and Rachel and Joseph at the rear. I think that “maids” was just a polite word meaning “concubines” becaus their kids were all fathered by Jacob. Then all of them moved in front, bowing as they went along. I guess Jacob changed his mind and brought them back from across the river.
When Esau saw Jacob, he ran forward and embraced him. When he saw the women and children, he asked, “Whose women and children are those?”
“God has been good to me,” Jacob replied. The maids and their children came out and bowed, followed by Jacob’s flock. Even though he was supposed to be named Israel, the Bible still referred to him as Jacob.
“What do you mean by all the cattle I met coming over?” Esau asked.
“Oh, they are just a few things that I thought you might like.”
“You keep them, I have more than enough.”
“I insist.”
“Oh all right, if you insist.”
Jacob Settles in Shechem
Esau wanted Jacob to follow, but Jacob said that with all the flock and children he couldn’t move very fast. So Esau returned and Jacob found a place to pitch his tent outside the city of Shechem in Canaan. Jacob bought a piece of land and built the usual altar to make a sacrifice. I guess he never got back to Esau as we never hear about Esau again.
Jacob did not take over all of Esau’s flocks and have him work for him. It doesn’t seem God’s prophecy came true at that time. Fundies say that it came true because the Edomites were the descendants of Esau and they were conquered by Israel. But that’s not what the prophecy said and if God meant this, why didn’t he say so? God just likes to play mind games.
The Rape of Dinah
(Ch 34) Leah’s daughter, Dinah, went into the town to visit some of the local women .While she was there, Shechem, the son of the ruler of the city of the same name, raped her. Afterwards, Shechem thought Dinah was such a good lay that he asked his father to get her for his wife.
When Jacob and all his sons heard about this, they were incensed. Shechem’s father, Harmon, came to discuss the matter with Jacob. Harmon asked Jacob to allow Dinah to marry his son. He proposed that Jacob’s sons marry his daughters and his sons would marry Jacob’s. I guess he didn’t know that Jacob only had one daughter we know of. Daughters were considered nonentities.
Marrying into another tribe would improve the gene pool, with all the inter-marrying with close relatives they had been doing. Harmon also proposed a merger of their two tribes. His son, Shechem, who had come along with him, said he would pay any dowry within reason because he loved Dinah.
Jacob left it to his sons to handle the situation and they did a very nasty thing. They told Harmon and Shechem that the merger was only possible if all the men in the city were circumcised. They agreed and all the men in the city had their peckers clipped. Now, if any of you guys reading this have had the tip of your cock cut when you were old enough to remember, you would know that this is a very sensitive part of the male anatomy.
I don’t see why kids today sometimes pierce their penises and put rings in them. I had a friend with two rings in his cock and when he pissed, he sprayed all over the place.
Some people think because the U.S. has the highest percentage of circumcised men in the first world, and that we have the highest percentage of violence and violent crimes in the first world, that these two facts might be related. I saw a video of a baby being circumcised. Believe me, it is not a pretty sight. They definitely feel it, even if they are too young to remember it consciously.
Dinah’s two brothers, Simeon and Levi, went into the city and killed every man. They pillaged the city and enslaved all the woman and children. That’s one way to merge the tribes.
Jacob said to the two sons, “You have made me very unpopular with the other tribes in the area.” His popularity was more important than all the innocent men they had killed. I guess God was OK with it as he didn’t say anything.
The Tribe Moves On
“As Israel is a small tribe, we had better hightail it out of here before they find us,” Jacob ordered. We’ll call the tribe Israel and Jacob as the patriarch.
(Ch 35) Why God would get himself involved with a bunch of immoral camel jockeys, I don’t know. But God told Jacob to head over to Bethel, the place where he put the oil on the rock after hallucinating about that ladder full of angels. “Don’t worry, Jacob. I’ll fix everything.” God threw a scare into all the nearby cities so they wouldn’t follow them.
Jacob told his tribe to get rid of their strange idols and clean up their act. This gives us a hint that maybe Jehovah didn’t always have a monopoly on the god thing. They took off for Bethel where Jacob, a.k.a. built another altar and made a sacrifice. God gave him the same old pep talk about being their god as long as he had the monopoly on the god job. Then God told him to be fruitful and start multiplying. And he reminded him that his name was Israel, not Jacob, even though the Bible kept calling him Jacob.
The Israelites moved a little ways from Bethel where Rachel went into labor. It was a hard labor and she died after giving birth to Benjamin, the last of the twelve brothers and the founders of the twelve tribes of Israel. This is the second time Benjamin was born. Maybe he crawled back in after the first time. They kept on moving to find fresh grazing for the animals.
Now here is one of those strange, quick little comments that must have been part of a larger story that got lost. Reuben was caught sleeping with his father’s concubine. That was it. No explanation of what happened afterwards or if he was punished. At least we know he wasn’t killed.
Isaac died and Esau and Jacob/Israel, buried him.
(Ch 36) We will skip Chapter 36. It is just another genealogy of Esau’s offspring. Esau’s descendants were just going to be killed off later by the descendants of Jacob so why go to all the trouble?
. . . and his Coat of Many Colors
Now we get to the famous Sunday school story and Broadway musical, Joseph and His Coat of Many Colors. When you had as many sons as Jacob, it was not a good idea to show favoritism. However, Jacob loved Joseph best because he was the second to the last son of his favorite wife.
(Ch 37) When Joseph was 17, Jacob bought him an expensive multicolored coat. It was expensive because you couldn’t buy colored dyes just anywhere, and many colors were very rare. Joseph was a little snot and flaunted his exalted status by tattling on his brothers to his father. The ultimate show of his self-proclaimed superiority occurred when he told them of a dream in which their sheaves of wheat would bow down to him. Another dream depicted all the Heavenly bodies bowing down to him. How do you imagine a star bowing to you? That was even a bit much for his father.
One day, his brothers were feeding the flock of sheep at Shechem. That was a bit strange because they had killed every man in the city of Shechem and took all the wives and children. Maybe it was a ghost town. Looks like Joseph stayed at home to keep his father company. Anyway, Joseph’s father sent him to check up on them. But Joe found his brothers had moved on to Dothan to find greener pastures.
When the brothers saw him coming, they conspired to fix Joe’s wagon for good. They decided to kill him and tell their father they found his body after some beast had killed him. But Reuben said, “No, let’s not kill him. We don’t want his blood on our hands. Let’s just throw him in this empty well.” And that’s what they did after stripping him of the odious coat of many colors. Reuben had actually planned to come back to rescue Joe.
While Reuben was somewhere doing something else, and the rest of the brothers were eating, they saw a camel train of Ishmaelites on their way to Egypt to sell a load of cargo. Judah had a great idea. “Instead of killing him, let’s just sell him as a slave. That way his blood won’t be on our hands.” They got 20 pieces of silver for him and that was the wholesale price.
Later on, Reuben went back to rescue Joe and found the pit empty. He tore his clothes. I hope he brought an extra set with him as it would be difficult to find a tailor in the wilderness. Instead of crying or yelling, in those days people would tear their clothes. That would be rather expensive today if you were wearing an Armani or a Bill Blass.
Reuben returned to his brothers and found out what they had done. They killed a kid and dipped the coat in the blood to fake Joe’s death. It was easier to get away with things in those days because they didn’t have the DNA tests.
When they returned and showed the coat to Jacob, he broke down and not only tore his clothes, he put on sackcloth. That must be something like our burlap used in gunny sacks. It hit him pretty hard and he took a long time to get over it.
Back in Egypt, the Midianites sold Joseph to the Pharaoh’s captain of the guards. Now how did Joseph go from the Ishmaelites to the Midianites?
Mastering Masturbation
(Ch 38) Here we break into the tale about Joe with a totally different story. This Israelite soap opera has furnished an unbelievable amount of suffering to teenage boys throughout all the ages. It has been used as the basis against masturbation to release sexual tension, otherwise known as using ‘Mary Hand and her five daughters’ or ‘slapping the monkey’ among other euphemisms.
The story started with Judah, one of Jacob’s sons. Judah married a Canaanite woman, Shula, who had a son they named Er and then a son named Onan. Er married a girl named Tamar. But God didn’t like Er and killed him before he had an heir. In those days, the law was that if your brother died before having an heir, you had to knock up his widow so she could have a son to carry on the family name. Without a son, she would not have any “Social Security” in her old age.
Because he wanted to have his father’s entire inheritance, Onan didn’t want to perform his conjugal duties. So he pulled out before he shot, spilling his seed on the ground. Onan’s disobedience made God mad and he killed Onan. Later the sex-hating clergy were looking for some way to stop boys from jerking off and used this story as an excuse. Of course it didn't stop them from molesting boys.
Anyone with half a mind can see this story had nothing to do with masturbation, also called “onanism.” They even told boys that if they did this, they would either go blind, insane, or grow warts on their hands. Even today, the Catholic Church uses such examples to thwart any adolescent male from stroking his member, regardless of how good it feels.
The younger son, Shelah, was too young to finish the necessary deed, so Judah told Tamar that she would have to stay celibate until Shelah was old enough to breed. I wonder how old that would be. There are a lot of kids who are doing their teachers nowadays.
But for some reason not told, when Shelah was old enough, he didn’t do the deed. He must have had a very good reason as it was a death sentence if he didn’t go through with it. Maybe the mohel* clipped it a little too close. Tamar was getting worried. Her biological clock was ticking. Or maybe it was a biological sundial. So she came up with a plan. (*A mohel is the Jewish title of the guy who does the clipping.)
Judah’s wife, Shula, had died. One day, Judah went out to the field to shear his sheep. Tamar dressed up like a whore and waited where Judah would pass by returning from the field. He was horny without his wife, so he was easy to entice. Jehovah didn’t seem to mind as he didn’t say or kill anyone.
She got lucky and conceived the first time out. Judah told her, “Sorry, I don’t have any money on me but I’ll send you a kid from my flock.”
“Sorry,” she said. “I run a strictly cash-and-carry business. But I’m willing to take your ring, bracelet, and staff for security.” Judah agreed, but when he sent a servant with the kid to pay her, she was nowhere to be found and no one had ever known a girl working that spot before.
Three months later, when she was beginning to show, Judah was going to burn her alive. It’s that old double-standard again. But that’s the way Yahvah wants it. In some Middle-Eastern countries, it is still that way today. Then Tamar told Judah, “Before you fry me, don’t you want to know who the father is? No? Well, I’ll show you anyway.” With that, she brought out Judah’s ring, bracelet and staff.
To finish the story and get back to Joseph, she had twins. When the first one started to come out, the midwife tied a red ribbon on his hand so you could tell which one would be the oldest and the heir. However, he decided to go back inside and the other one popped out first. This is a little similar to Jacob and Esau. The Bible never did tell which one was considered the older.
Now, what would you say the moral of this story is? Maybe for Judah it was, “If you want the job done right, do it yourself.” Later on after Moses came out with all the laws, it would have been a death penalty for Judah to fuck his own daughter-in-law.
Joseph and the Pharaoh
(Ch 39) In this chapter, Joseph was sold by the Ishmaelites to Potiphar, the captain of the Pharaoh’s guard. But I thought a prior chapter said he was sold by the Midianites? It was just another minor inconsistency in a very sloppily-edited book.
Even at 17, Joe must have been a very bright lad. Potiphar put him in charge of his whole household. Even though God wouldn’t protect Joe from slavery, he made everything he touched turn out well. However, Potty’s wife had hot pants for Joe. After he turned down her advances, the bitch framed him by telling her husband that he tried to rape her.
Potty believed his wife, so he had Joe thrown in jail. Like always, Joe rose to the top and was put in charge of all the prisoners. Of course, the fundies say that this was all a contrived plan of God’s. I wonder why God went to all this trouble when he could have just waved his magic wand and accomplished the same thing much faster and easier.
(Ch 40) The Pharaoh’s butler and baker ran afoul of the Pharaoh’s favor, who had the captain of the guard, Joe’s former boss, throw them into prison. Working for royalty may have its benefits, but longevity isn’t one of them. If there was a bad vintage or too much salt in the bread, not only would your job be terminated, you were also terminated with extreme prejudice.
After they had been in the prison for a season, they each had a dream. Sigmund Freud hadn’t written his book on the interpretation of dreams yet, so they did the next best thing and told Joe about them.
The butler told him, “In my dream there were three branches of grapes. I squeezed the grapes into a cup and served it to the Pharaoh.”
“That’s an easy one,” said Joe. “In three days, you will be serving wine to the Pharaoh.” Joe must have had a little help from God otherwise how would he know if it was three days, three weeks, or three months. “That’s fantastic,” exclaimed the butler.
“Do me a favor and please remember me when you are back in favor, will you?” asked Joe.
Then the baker told Joe about his dream. “I had three baskets of bread. A flock of birds came down and started to peck at the bread.”
“I’m not sure you really want to hear this,” Joe said. “In three days you will be hanged and the birds will peck at your flesh. Sorry, but I tells ’em like I sees ’em.”
Everything Joe predicted happened; however, the butler forgot his promise.
The Pharaoh's Dreams
(Ch 41) Two years went by and the Pharaoh had a couple of dreams. In the first one, seven fat cows came out of the Nile and started grazing in a meadow. Then seven scrawny cows emerged from the river and ate the seven fat cows. I wonder what it looked like; a cow eating another cow.
In the second dream, seven fat ears of corn grew on a cornstalk. Actually, they didn’t have corn in those days as it hadn’t been discovered in Mexico yet. But the word “corn” really means “grain” and what we call “corn” is really “maize.” Anyway, seven scrawny heads of some kind of grain grew out of the stalk and ate the fat grains. How does a grain eat another grain?
These dreams freaked out the Pharaoh and he asked his court magicians to translate the meaning of the dreams. They told him they didn’t have the foggiest idea what they meant. If I were a court magician, I would have come up with some story just to protect my job. But that would have ruined this story.
The butler overheard the dream problem and remembered his promise to Joe. He told the Pharaoh how Joe had interpreted his dream correctly when he was in prison. So the Pharaoh called to have Joseph brought up from the prison and asked him to interpret his dreams.
Joe gave the Pharaoh his weather report for the future. “Your majesty, both dreams have the same meaning. My god has given me the power to interpret them for you. The dreams mean that Egypt will have seven good years of weather with bumper crops. Then will come seven years of famine.”
“Wow! That sounds terrible,” the Pharaoh exclaimed. “What would you recommend that I do?”
“Well, your greatness, I recommend that you appoint someone who can organize a plan to collect and store one-fifth of all the crops in the fat years and sell them during the lean years. This way, you will really fatten your wallet.” You notice that Joe said, “sell,” not “give.” Joe was no dummy. This way they would corner the commodities market and make a bundle on insider trading through Joe’s contact with God. God sounds like a Republican.
Pharaoh went for the idea and appointed Joe as his number-one advisor. Joe got all the perks of office including a custom built, chauffeured chariot. In addition, he got a trophy wife who was the daughter of the Egyptian high priest.
Joe got busy right away collecting and storing grain. Everything happened just like he predicted. During this time, his wife gave him two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. They became two of the twelve or thirteen tribes of Israel, depending on how you count.
When the famine hit, Joe started selling grain like hotcakes. Everyone from around Egypt had to buy from him. The moral of the story so far is that God is all for cutthroat capitalism and fuck the little guy.
The Brothers Buy Bread
(Ch 42) When Jacob heard there was grain for sale in Egypt, he sent ten of his sons to buy some, but he kept Benjamin, his new favorite, at home. When his brothers arrived in Egypt, Joe recognized them at once but didn’t let on. By then, he had to be in his 40s and had been only 17 when he was sold. When they appeared before Joe to buy the grain, he asked them, “Where do you come from and what are you doing here? Are you spies coming here to scout the land?”
“No, your honor,” spoke one of the brothers. “We are just humble shepherds from Canaan. We aren’t spies, we just want to buy some grain from you and go home to our father.”
“I still think you are all spies. How many sons does your father have?”
“He has twelve sons, ten of us are here, the youngest is at home, and one we don’t know where he is.”
“OK. You may buy the grain and take it home. However, you are going to have to leave one of you back as a hostage until you bring your youngest brother here so I can verify your story.”
“Shit!” One of the brothers exclaimed. “It looks like we are just being punished for what we did to Joseph.”
Reuben replied, “I told you so, if you remember.” They spoke in front of Joe because he was using an interpreter and they didn’t think he understood.
Joe turned around and cried and then turned back. He had Simeon tied up and sent them on their way with the grain they bought. However, he had all their money put back into their sacks. Later when they stopped to feed the donkeys, one of them opened a sack and exclaimed, “Holy shit! The money is back in my sack. What is God trying to do to us now?” They were all very shocked.
When they got back home, they explained the whole story to Jacob, who cried out, “Joseph is gone, Simeon is gone, but you aren’t going to take Ben. If something would happen to him, it would kill me.”
(Ch 43) The famine was getting worse and the tribe of Israel was quickly running out of food. If this was just one of God’s little games, he was making the whole area suffer just so he could play games with the Israelites. Jacob told his sons to go back to Egypt to buy more food, but Judah answered, “But Pop. The man said he wouldn’t see us unless we brought Ben with us. We are going to have to take a chance or we will all die of starvation anyway. I promise to be responsible for him and if anything should happen, it will be on my head.”
Jacob relented and told his sons, “Take some balm, honey, spices, myrrh, nuts, and almonds with you as gifts.” At least they had nuts and honey to survive on. I wonder where the bees found all the flowers in the middle of a drought? “In addition, take double the money. Apologize and tell him that it must have been an oversight.” So they took Benjamin, the presents, and the money and set out for Egypt, a long trip by donkey.
They stood before Joe and he saw his brother Ben. He had his major domo invite all of them to his place for lunch. There wouldn’t be any Egyptians present because they would not eat in the same place as Hebrews. They arrived and stood before Joe with their presents.
They were very worried and afraid they would all be taken as slaves. They told their story to Joe’s butler and he said, “Don’t worry about it. Joseph may be a bit harsh at times, but he’s really a pussycat underneath it all.” He took care of their asses and brought out brother Simeon.
When Joe arrived home for lunch at noon, they all bowed, touching the ground, and gave him the presents. “Good afternoon, gentlemen. I hope you all had a pleasant journey. How is the old man, your father? And this is the younger brother you spoke of?” Not waiting for an answer, overcome with emotion, Joe turned around and went into another room to weep. After that, he joined them and had the food brought in. They all sat down with him and ate, drank, and had a good time.
(Ch 44) Joe told his butler to put all their money back in their sacks and to put his silver cup in Ben’s bag. In the morning, they got on their asses and headed back. Later, Joe told his head butler, “Go after them and stop them. Tell them, `My master’s silver cup is missing. As generous as he was to all of you, why would you want to do such an evil thing?’”
He did as he was told and one of the brothers answered back, “No way Jose! Why would we want to steal from your master? We even brought back the silver we found in our bags. I’ll tell you what. If you can find anything one of us has stolen, you can kill him and the rest of us will be your slaves”
So they opened all the sacks starting with the oldest first. Of course when they got to Ben’s bag, they found the cup. They were so shocked they tore their clothes. I hope they all had underwear on. When they got back to Joe, Judah exclaimed, “What can I say? How can we clear ourselves? God has found our iniquity. We are all your slaves.”
“No,” Joe replied. “My god would never let me do that. The man who took my cup will be my slave – the rest of you go back home.”
Then Judah spoke up, “Have a heart, my lord. Aren’t you as powerful and fair as the Pharaoh? Haven’t you a father or a brother? Our father would die if we didn’t return with his youngest son. I guaranteed I would be responsible for the lad” (Ben must have been at least 25 by then). “Let me be your slave instead.”
Joseph Breaks Down and Cries
(Ch 45) And then Joe couldn’t contain himself anymore, “Hey guys! Surprise! It’s me your bro Joe!” And he started crying again. “No foolin; guys. It’s really me. Of course I’ve put on a little weight since you last saw me.”
His brothers were stunned and didn’t know what to say. They were also worried about what Joe thought about them selling him as a slave.
“Come over here and give your long lost brother a hug. Don’t sweat the slavery thing. It was all God’s crazy ideas and you did me a favor. Otherwise I would just be a sheep herder like you. If you hadn’t sold me into slavery, thousands, maybe millions would have died of starvation.
“And
have I got a surprise for you. I got a really hot piece of property called Goshen*
that you and Pop can move the whole tribe to. So go tell Pop to bring them over.”
After that, they did the whole hugging, kissing, and crying thing.
(*Goshen received its name centuries
later than when the Israelites were supposed to have been in Egypt.)
Pharaoh heard about Joe’s brothers and told him, “Tell your brothers to hightail it to Canaan and have your father move all his stuff to Goshen. I will see to it that they have all the food they need and anything else they want. Get some wagons and plenty of provisions and tell them not to worry about leaving their asses and stuff here. When they get back, they can have everything they need.”
Joe got them new clothes, as they had torn their old clothes. They got into the wagons and were sent on their way with presents for Jacob. When they got home, they told Jacob, “Joseph is alive and is the governor of Egypt.”
“I don’t believe it. Have you been smokin’ that crazy weed again or are you just shoveling me a load of shit?” But when he saw all the wagons he saw the light. “Ok. It looks like you are telling the truth. Now I get to see little Joe before I die.”
Going to Goshen
(Ch 45) Jacob got the whole Israelite tribe together all the brothers, their wives, concubines, children, slaves, camels, asses, cattle, sheep, goats, tents, and other stuff, loaded into the wagons and they took off.
When they camped at Beersheba, God talked to Jacob. “Hey Jacob. It’s me, your god. You know, the god of your ancestors. Go on to Egypt and I’ll make you the founder of a great nation.” (Yeah. We’ve all heard that before.) “I’m going to go with you and eventually I’ll bring your tribe back.” (Yeah, in another 400 years.)
We can skip the next part as it is a list of all the brothers’ wives and offspring. The total that went to Egypt, not counting slaves, concubines and their children, were three score and six (66).
Judah went ahead to meet with Joe so to guide them to Goshen. Later, Joe got on his chariot and went to Goshen to meet his father. When they met, they did the usual kissing and hugging. Jacob said, “Now that I’ve seen you, I can die.”
“I’m going to introduce you to Pharaoh,” Joe said. “I told him you were all cattlemen. If he asks you what you do, tell him you all raise cattle. Whatever you do, don’t even mention sheep. Egyptians hate sheep because they strip all the grass.”
(Ch 47) Joe told the Pharaoh that his family had arrived in Goshen. He also brought five of his brothers to introduce them to the Pharaoh. “What do you guys do for a living?” asked the Pharaoh.
“We raise sheep, your majesty,” one of the brothers slipped up and said. “But, with the famine in Canaan, we didn’t have much grass for them to graze.” Evidently, they forgot Joe told them not to tell anyone they were sheep herders. But it didn’t seem like a big deal as nothing was said about it. I don’t know why it was even brought up in the first place.
One of the brothers said, “We would appreciate it if you would let us live in Goshen.”
“Of course you can live there. By-the-way, if any of your people know how to take care of cattle, they can manage my cattle.” After Joe brought Jacob in to bless the Pharaoh, the Pharaoh asked, “Jacob. How old are you?”
“I’m 130 years old,” wheezed Jacob. “I’ve had good days and bad days. But I’m not as old as my ancestors were.” God seemed to have forgotten that he said no one would live over 120. But maybe God made an exception in Jacob’s case. Then Jacob blessed the Pharaoh and left. Joe gave his family enough provisions to be sure they made it through the famine.
The famine was really getting bad and Joe was making money hand-over-fist. He turned over all the money he got from selling grain over to the Pharaoh. When people ran out of money, he traded livestock. When they ran out of livestock, he took their land. He moved everyone except the priests into the cities. He gave all the people seed and told them to sow. He passed a law that one-fifth of all they grew would go to the Pharaoh. Although Joseph and the Pharaoh saved them from starvation, they became his slaves.
Now think about this last paragraph and see if you can come up with a good moral teaching. Is this a guide for modern capitalism? Joe and the Pharaoh with God’s help sound like robber barons to me.
Jacob Dies
Finally, it was the time for Jacob to die. He asked Joe to grab his balls and swear he would bury him back home in the family cave, which Joe swore. I guess it was OK to grab your father by the gonads as long as you don’t see him naked.
(Ch 49) Jacob is supposed to have written a poem about his sons, comparing them to animals.* Some of the comparisons were not too favorable. (*When Jacob gives his deathbed testament, it reflects the tribes from around the time of King David and is supposed to have been written at that time.)
(Ch 50) When he died, Joe threw himself on his father, kissed him and wept. He ordered that Jacob be embalmed. As you know, the Egyptians were good at that. Maybe someday someone will find Jacob’s embalmed body. For 40 days everyone mourned his passing, including the Egyptians. I think that this might be an exaggeration as why would the Egyptians mourn someone they hardly knew?
Then Joseph asked the Pharaoh, “Hey Boss. If you still dig me, my old man made me swear on his family jewels that I would stick him into the family cave. Would that be OK with you?”
So Joe heads off to Canaan with the whole tribe of Israel and all the important people in Egypt. There they all wept and mourned for seven days. I wonder if they all tore their clothes. The brothers carried Jacob into the family cave bought from Ephron the Hittite by Abraham, their great grandfather.
We and God will now take a break for 400 years and wait for Moses to arrive on the scene.
Jacob and his sons fathered a total of seventy children, not counting slaves and concubines. Over time, they multiplied like rabbits. They became so numerous that a new Pharaoh, who didn’t know of Joseph, worried that in a war, the Israelites might fight for the other side.
(Ch 1) The new Pharaoh thought, “We have to do something about these people as they are getting more numerous and stronger than us.” As in present days, new immigrants seem to be more prolific breeders than settled residents.
Therefore, he had his supervisors make the Israelites work harder to build the cities of Pithom and Rameses for the Pharaoh. However, the harder they worked, the more they multiplied. I guess they had to do something to relieve stress after work. This procreation worried the Egyptians so much that they made them, in addition to their normal tasks, work still harder making bricks and mortar.
When this didn’t work, he ordered the Hebrew midwives to kill all the boy babies as they were born. When the Pharaoh asked them how come there were still male babies, they told him the Hebrew women were so hardy that the babies would pop out before they got there. God protected the midwives and the Hebrew women kept popping the babies out. Finally, the Pharaoh ordered all male babies be thrown into the river Nile. I wouldn’t like living downstream from them.
I think he got it backwards though. He should have killed all the females and let the males live. One man can impregnate a lot of females but females can only give birth one at a time (with exceptions) every nine months. Plus men are better at building pyramids than women, and women weren't worth as much.
(Ch 2) A Levite man married a Levite woman and had a Levite son. Levites were the priestly tribe. When the mother couldn’t hide the baby anymore, she made a little basket out of bulrushes and tar. Then she hid the baby among the cattails by the shore. She had her daughter keep an eye on her baby brother. I wonder how she kept him from crying? Actually, this story was copied from an old Samarian myth. The Israelites were not very original and plagiarized a lot from other cultures.
One day, the Pharaoh’s daughter came down to the river to bathe with her maids. I sure wouldn’t want to swim in the river with all those dead babies floating around. Plus, sewage facilities were lacking in those days. You would think the Pharaoh’s daughter would have her own private swimming pool.
She saw the basket and asked her maid to fetch it for her. When she saw the baby, she exclaimed, “Oh, look at the cute baby boy. I always wanted one without having to go through all that pregnancy thing. I think I’ll keep it. I’ll call him Moses because I found him in the river.” (*The story of Moses was thought to be adapted by the Jewish scribes, from the Babylonian legend of Sargon of Agade when the Hexateuch was put into its final form during the exile. The Greeks and Romans also had similar legends. In the Babylonian story, he was rescued by a poor man instead of a princess and later became a king. He also was put into a small boat sealed by pitch but was floated down the Euphrates. Do you see some plagiarism here?)
Just then, Moses’ sister showed up and asked the princess, “Why don’t I find a Hebrew woman to breast feed him?”
“Great idea!” exclaimed the princess. And so Moses’ sister went and brought her mother. “I’ll pay you to nurse this baby for me and after he is housebroken and off the tit, you can bring him to me.” So Moses really had it made, growing up in a palace.
One day after Moses was grown, he came across an Egyptian overseer who was beating a fellow Hebrew. He looked around to make sure no one saw him and then he killed the Egyptian. Later, he came upon two Hebrews fighting and yelled, “Hey, you guys. Let’s not have any violence here.”
“Who died and made you Pharaoh? Are you going to kill us like you did the Egyptian?”
“Oh, oh,” thought Moses, “Someone had a big mouth.”
Well, the word got out and the Pharaoh heard about it and issued a warrant for Moses’ arrest. But Moses was warned in advance, so he escaped and hid out in Midian. There he helped a cute Midianite girl water her flock. The old “watering the flock” trick. It works every time.
Moses and the Midianite
The father of the girl invited Moses to his tent for dinner. He gave Moses his daughter and they had a son. Moses didn’t even have to work for seven years for her (such a deal already).
The Hebrews were glad when the old pharaoh died, but the new pharaoh was just as hard. God finally heard their complaints and remembered his promises to them. God thought, “Maybe I should try to do something about all this.” God must have had a bad memory to forget all about them and let them suffer for over 400 years.
The Famous Burning Bush
(Ch 3) While Moses was herding his father-in-law’s sheep, he saw an angel in a bush that burned but wasn’t consumed. He thought he would go over and check it out. When God saw him coming, he yelled out, “Take your damn shoes off. Can’t you see that this is holy ground you are trampling on?” I don’t see what the problem was. Dirty shoes can’t be any worse than dirty feet.
Then God goes on, “I am the god of your forefathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.” Well, I’m sure you all remember the rest of it. Moses hid his face because he was afraid to look at God. “I heard all the bitching you Israelites are doing and decided in my magnificence to do something about it. I want you to go back to Egypt and lead all your people to the land of milk and honey I promised them. Later, after you get there, I’ll tell you what to do about all the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites Perizzites, Hivites, and the Jebusites who live there now. They might not be so willing to just get up and leave so you all can move in.”
But Moses asked God, “Can’t you get somebody else? I’m not qualified for the job.”
“Don’t you know better than argue with God? Do you know what I do to people who argue with me? You are going and that is that. Now, when you get them out, I want you to come back here for further instructions. And if anyone asks who sent you, just tell them, ‘I am that I am.’” I think that Popeye said the same thing. No, he said “I yam what I yam.”
“And then tell them that I am the god of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, etc., etc. you know the rest. Tell them I know what has been going on, and I am going to lead them to the land of milk and honey.
“Now Moses, they will listen to you and you will go to Mr. Pharaoh and tell him, ‘Pharaoh baby, we just had a meeting with the Big Guy in the Sky. He wants you to let his people take a three-day weekend to go out into the desert and sacrifice some animals to him.’ Only I want to play with his mind first so I won’t let him agree to do it and he won’t let you all go. So I will hold my hand up and smite them with all kinds of stuff. I love to smite.
“However, when I finally let him let you go, I don’t want you to go away empty-handed. I want you to ‘borrow’ all the valuables you want from the Egyptians. I want you to really rip them off good.” God doesn’t mind a little larceny as long as it’s for his chosen people.
(Ch 4) “But Lord,” Moses protested, “the Israelites will never believe that you talked to me. They’ll never listen to me.”
“Just take your staff and throw it on the ground.” After Moses did as he was told, he jumped back when the staff turned into a snake. “Now, grab it by the tail. Don’t be afraid.” Moses grabbed it and it turned back into a staff.
“This will let them all know that I, the god of Abraham, Isaac and Joseph, yada yada yada, did talk to you.”
Gad! This is unbelievable. Is this the best trick that God can do? David Copperfield could run circles around him. Let’s see God top making the Statue of Liberty disappear.
“And Moses, if that doesn’t wow them, here’s another trick I can teach you. Just put your hand inside your shirt and pull it back out.” When Moses did that, his hand was covered with leprosy. “Now do it again.” And this time his hand came back without the leprosy. Big whoop! I could do that with a fake leprosy glove.
Here comes the climax. God told Moses to pour a bucket of water on the ground and it turned to blood. A little powdered red dye could accomplish this. I would be ashamed to show these tricks to a pharaoh who can afford to hire the best magicians in the land.
“Those are great tricks, Lord, but I’m a lousy speaker. I could never talk anyone into anything.”
“And who gave you your mouth along with a set of balls? Don’t be a pussy. I’ll write the script, you just mouth the words.”
When Moses still protested, God lost his temper and you never want to make God lose his temper. Look what he did to Sodom when a bunch of guys tried to make out with a couple of his angels. “OK already! So we will use your brother Aaron. He speaks well and just by coincidence here he is coming now to meet you. I’ll tell you what to say, then you tell him, and he can tell everyone else. He can introduce the act and then you do the tricks.” I don’t see how come if God can make a snake talk that he can’t teach Moses to talk better.
Moses Goes Back to Egypt
And so Moses returned to his father-in-law’s house and asked him, “Hey Pops. Is it all right if I go to Egypt to save my people? I’ll only be gone a few days.”
“Sure, my son, go and knock yourselves out. I’ll find someone to watch your sheep.”
Moses put his wife and his son on his ass and headed for Egypt. God told Moses not to worry about the fact that he was wanted for murder because everyone involved had died.
“Now go ahead and show that pharaoh guy the tricks I taught you, but I’m telling you in advance that it won’t do you any good – but do it anyway just for the heck of it. Tell him Israel is like my-first born son and if he doesn’t let them go, I am going to kill his oldest son. Because I won’t let him let them go, his son is as good as dead meat. I love messing with people’s minds. I just tell them that I work in mysterious ways and they eat it up.”
Now this next part I don’t understand, but then, I don’t understand much of anything that goes on in the Bible. I think maybe the writer left something out here or maybe it was censored. The story goes that Moses and his family stopped at a motel overnight – sort of an ass motel. For some unstated reason, God was going to kill Moses but Moses’ wife saved him by taking a sharp rock and circumcising his son – ouch! God was really hard on kids, punishing them instead of their parents. Moses’ wife got mad at him and called him a “bloody husband.” I wonder what the real story was? Something is missing here.
God talked to Aaron and told him to go into the desert and meet Moses. If God could talk to Aaron, why not just cut out the middleman and have him do the job by himself? Things went as God planned. Aaron introduced Moses who did his tricks and all the Israelites believed that he was working for God. It was easy to fool people in those days with a few parlor tricks.
Moses Meets the Pharaoh
(Ch 5) Moses and Aaron called the Pharaoh’s secretary and made an appointment to meet with him. Aaron told him, “We are on a mission for God, the god of the Israelites, to ask you to give them some time off to go out into the desert and barbecue some meat for God to smell.”
“Who are you guys?” Pharaoh asked. “Are you some of those trouble-making unionizers? I don’t know your god from Adam. There’s no way I’m going to give them any time off. We’re already behind schedule.”
Aaron replied, “God told us to tell you that if you don’t let us have three days off to go out into the desert and sacrifice to him, there’s going to be Hell to pay.”
But the pharaoh commanded, “Get your asses back to work. If you think you have so much extra time to worship, the Israelites can get their own straw to make bricks with. And they had better not come up short.”
If an Israelite failed to make his quota, the pharaoh’s foremen beat him. The Hebrew leaders turned on Moses and told him, “You said God was on our side. Now look at what you have done. You have given them an excuse to kill us.” Moses was lucky they didn’t stone him then and there.
Moses went back to God and asked him, “Hey! What’s going on here? Why are you letting this happen? I know that you work in mysterious ways but this is going too far.”
(Ch 6) God told Moses, “Now you are going to see what I am going to do to Pharaoh. When I get through with him, he is going to drive the Israelites off his land. Remember, I am your lord god. I appeared to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob as just plain “God Almighty.” But I have a new name now. Just call me ‘Jehovah.’ I made a deal with your forefathers to give the Israelites the land of Canaan. I have heard all your bitching and remember the promise I made. So remind all your people that I am their god and I will get them out of bondage. Just remember. You are my people and I am your god whether or not you like it.”
Moses repeated this to his people but they wouldn’t listen to him. I don’t blame them after what happened last time. Sounds like God just made things worse. Then Moses asked God, “How am I going to convince Pharaoh when my own people won’t believe me? I have uncircumcised lips.” How in the heck do you circumcise lips? Can you imagine walking around with clipped lips?
The balance of this chapter is a rundown of the genealogy of Jacob’s sons. I don’t know why anyone would want to waste ink on this. It ends with God saying that he was their God and the rest of his usual spiel.
(Ch 7) God told Moses, “See, Pharaoh thinks that you are a god and that Aaron is your priest. Now I want you to tell Aaron to tell the Pharaoh to let my people go. Of course he won’t because I won’t let him. This is so I can dazzle all of Egypt with my power. They’ll see what a real god can do – not like their wimpy make-believe gods.”
Now isn’t this the height of arrogance? At this time, Jehovah was only a tribal god. The Egyptians never heard of Jehovah and God doesn’t have time or capacity to make the Egyptians his people also. But that didn’t stop him from wanting to torture them. Like a cat playing with a mouse that he doesn’t even want to eat.
God started bragging about how great and powerful he was. Finally, Moses did the staff and snake bit. However, Pharaoh’s magicians already knew the trick and did the same thing. Moses topped them by having his snake eat their snakes. But as we already know, God fixed it so Pharaoh wouldn’t or couldn’t budge.
The Plagues
Next comes Phase Two of God’s little plan. He brought in the plagues. and he tortured the Egyptians just so he could show off to the Pharaoh. First, he turned the rivers into blood for seven days. The fish all died and stank so the people had to dig wells for their water. They couldn't even buy Arrowhead Spring Water. They should have already had wells as the Nile water wasn’t fit to drink, being a sewer for everyone living upriver. People crapped in it and then washed their clothes in it. Many people still have to do this today because fresh water is a luxury in many parts of the world.
Still, God wasn’t through with the Pharaoh and he wouldn’t allow him to let the people go. This was basically what happened. I cut out a lot here because he used many words when a few would do. The Bible said that the pharaoh’s magicians did the same thing but that doesn’t make sense. How could they make the rivers bloodier than they already were and why would they want to make it worse?
(Ch 8) Again the Lord told Moses to tell the pharaoh to let his people go or he would smite them all with frogs. As you know, the pharaoh had to refuse and the whole country was covered with frogs. That wasn’t quite as bad because I love fried frog legs. The magicians were supposed to have duplicated the feat but how could you tell their frogs from God’s frogs? I wonder how all these plagues affected the Israelites?
One other point – if the pharaoh's magicians could duplicate God's magic, then that must mean their god was helping them. That means God recognizes there are other gods besides himself.
Pharaoh called Moses and told him, “OK, OK already! I’m sick of all these fucking frogs. You get rid of them and I’ll let your people sacrifice to your god-damned god.” I think everyone knew the sacrifice was just a scam to give the Israelites a three-day head start on the Egyptians. With all his power, I don’t see why God had to lie about his true intentions. It sets a bad example for his followers. But the pharaoh was just as bad, even though he didn’t have a choice, because as soon as all the frogs were gone, God made him change his mind again.
Then God said, “OK, you asked for it. No more Mr. Nice Guy.” He had Moses give them a plague of lice. Oh, I hate lice. I got them once in Mexico. This time the pharaoh’s magicians didn’t claim to duplicate the lice. It was just as well because God made plenty to go around. But he still wouldn’t let the pharaoh give in. Next came the flies and still no go.
(Ch 9) God killed all the cattle, hit the Egyptians with boils, and sent a hailstorm that killed everything out in the open, including people, plants, and cattle. I thought the cattle were already dead. God told them, “I could send a plague that would wipe you all off the face of the Earth, but I want some of you to live so you can see how powerful I am.”
(Ch 10) God said to the Israelites, “Now you can tell all your kids and grandkids about the wonderful things I did in Egypt.” This was about as great as Bush bragging about all the wonderful things he did for the Iraqi people.
Next he brought on a swarm of locusts that ate everything in sight that was green. This time, the pharaoh agrees to let the people go as long as they didn’t go too far. But again God made him go back on his word. Then God made it dark for three days. The pharaoh said to Moses, “OK, you can go but you have to leave your cattle behind.”
Moses replies, “No way Jose. We don’t know which cattle we will need to sacrifice until we get there, so we have to bring them all with us.” Anyone could see through this excuse.
The pharaoh lost his temper and yelled, “Get the hell out of my palace and if I ever see you in front of me again I’ll have you killed.”
Moses replies, “OK, if that’s the way you want it, you’ll never see me again.” That was a bit premature as neither one of those statements came true.
(Ch 11) God told Moses, “I’ve got one more plague to send them and then I’ll have Pharaoh let your people go. He will not only let you go, he will kick you out. First go and tell your people to steal, I mean, “borrow” everything they want from the Egyptians. After midnight I am going to go through Egypt and kill the first-born of every living thing. Oh what fun I’m going to have killing all those little Egyptian bastards. Go tell the pharaoh one last time that I am going to show my power all over Egypt so they all will know what a great god I am. But don’t worry. I am only Israel’s god. Let the Egyptians worship their own gods.
(Ch 12) “I want you guys to reset your calendars. This is going to be the first month of the year. On the 10th, I want every household to get a lamb, kill it, and smear the blood on the sides of your doors. Then roast the whole thing, including the head, legs, and guts. And you will eat everything. All the leftovers will be burned (if you eat the whole thing, how will there be leftovers?). For side dishes, you will eat bitter herbs and flat bread. You will eat fully-dressed with a staff in one hand. I am going all over Egypt and kill the first-born in every house that doesn’t have the blood on their doors.”
First God almost destroys the country and then kills a lot of innocent people. That’s really some mean god who can teach us all how to live moral lives. “And I want all your people to make this an annual holiday.”
The Egyptians kept records of all their major events. There was no mention anywhere of the Jews being in Egypt or of any of the plagues. Natural plagues come and go and are exaggerated in their retelling. Nomadic tribes have attacked cities and “borrowed” everything in them. So, it is possible that this story could be based on some events that really happened. But the Israelites could not have been slaves. Slaves don’t own property or have their own houses and cattle.
Let My People Go
Anyway, the Israelites followed instructions and God did his thing, murdered all the first-born, and finally allowed the pharaoh to let the people go. The people ripped off their neighbors, took their flocks and left. According to the Bible, God made the Egyptians voluntarily give their valuables to them.
(Ch 13) The first part of this chapter described God telling the Israelites how great he was and how he was giving them all this land that belongs to someone else. “I’m giving you all this land. All you have to do is to go and kill everyone on it and then don’t let anyone else take it from you.” Humans have been doing this since recorded history, even without the help of a god. Then God went over all the rules for the new holiday, celebrating the day he killed all those Egyptian kids, but not theirs.
Next, he told them that the first-born male who comes out of a virgin animal, including human, belongs to him. I wonder what he did with the first born humans? Were they sacrificed along with the animals?
As they were traveling, God let them bypass the Philistines because he was afraid they would see their army and want to turn back. I guess God didn’t have any influence over the Philistines at that time.
The Israelites were led by a pillar of fire at night and a cloud of smoke during the day. Finally something that could be true. In ancient times, before walkie-talkies, when an army or other large group traveled, a great torch burned at the head where the leaders were. During the day, one would see a cloud of smoke and at night one would see fire. Nothing magical about this.
(Ch 14) And the Lord told Moses, “I want you to take your group, camp over by the Red Sea and wait for me. I’m going to have some more fun with those Egyptians. I’m going to have the pharaoh change his mind again and come after you. I’ll show that schmuck and all those heathens what kind of god I am.” So, Pharaoh and his army with 600 chariots caught up with the Israelites when they camped by the sea.
Some of the Israelites asked Moses, “Why the hell did you talk us into coming out here when we will be slaughtered by the Egyptians? We would be much better off as live slaves in Egypt than dead in the desert.”
The Parting of the Red Sea
The story in the book said that God told Moses to hold up his rod and when he did, the sea parted and all the Israelites passed to the other side. When the Egyptians followed them, the sea came back and Pharaoh’s army was drowned. The pharaoh must have gotten away as there was no record of a pharaoh drowning.
What probably happened, if it happened at all, was that Moses led his people to a place on the Red Sea, also known as The Sea of Reeds, where it was shallow, marshy and full of reeds. At low tide, people and animals, but not carts, could cross through the mud. The Egyptians saw the pillar of fire at night and camped, waiting for the dawn to wipe out the Israelites.
When morning came, they saw they had been fooled. The Israelites left their fire and crossed over the sea during the night. The Egyptians followed with their chariots and were stuck in the mud. The tide came in and they all drowned. Archeologists cannot find any proof of chariots being in the sea. They were too valuable to leave and probably would have been salvaged when the water receded.
(Ch 15) The Israelites sang praises to God for killing all those nasty Egyptian soldiers who were just trying to follow orders. After crossing the sea and traveling for three days, they ran out of drinking water and all the water they found was brackish and undrinkable. However, after Moses reminded him, God threw a tree into the water and made it drinkable. Wonder what kind of tree it was and why did he need a tree in the first place? We could use a tree like that here in Southern California.
After God reminded all the Israelites by giving them another long lecture, about how he was their god and if they worshiped him, he would take care of them. Then they came to an oasis with lots of good water.
(Ch 16) Next the Israelites bitched to Moses that they had run out of food. Again they asked, “Why did you take us out of Egypt where we had plenty of food, to starve in this god-forsaken desert?”
Mucho Manna in the Mañana
God said, “Don’t sweat the small stuff. I’m on it. I’ll just have it rain manna every morning except Saturdays. That’s my day off. Just gather enough to last for one day except for Fridays when you can save enough for Saturday. Except for Saturdays, it will spoil if you keep it overnight.”
This was the way they ate for 40 years until they arrived in Canaan. Can you imagine? Manna for breakfast, manna for lunch and manna for dinner. It must have really tasted good. Why didn't they eat some of the animals?
(Ch 17) Well, now they had food but they ran out of water and the people started complaining again. Some still wanted to go back to Egypt. Some were getting ready to stone Moses. So God had Moses strike a rock with his staff and the water poured out. One question. Why does God always have to wait until the last minute to fix things?
The First Battle
A bunch of Amalekites came charging out of the desert to fight the Israelite army. When Moses held up his staff, the Israelites were winning the battle. When his arm got tired and he lowered it, the Amalekites were winning. To solve this problem, Aaron and a friend of his had Moses sit on a rock and they propped up his arm with stones. If God could wipe out the Egyptian army, why couldn’t he just wipe out the Amalekites? And why the holding up the staff deal? Was God still playing games?
God said, “That was fun. Write down this battle so you won’t forget it. After every generation, I am going to have you fight the Amalekites again. I hate those bastards even more than the Egyptians.” I guess the Israelites weren’t supposed to kill all of them so they could come back to fight every future generation.
(Ch 18) I didn’t know it, but I guess when Moses had that little tiff with God at the inn on his way to Egypt, his wife must have taken their son and returned to her father. She must have been knocked up at the time as she showed up with two sons and Moses’ father-in-law. I guess God overlooked the fact that Jethro was the high priest of his own tribal gods. But as most gods and goddesses those days stayed with their own tribes, he came without a god and had to use Moses’ god. I wonder if you could borrow or rent gods?
Jethro and his family sacrificed to the god Jehovah. It’s too bad that that today we each don’t have our own personal gods and don’t have to threaten others if they don’t believe in it. Maybe today they would be marketing gods on TV. No, wait. They are doing it, except it is just one god with many variations.
At that time, the only authority in the tribe was Moses, and he had to spend a lot of time judging people. In other words, he was micromanaging everything. When Jethro saw this, he told Moses, “Son, you are going to kill yourself trying to do everything alone. You have to learn to delegate. Why don’t you just make a list of rules and appoint intelligent men to judge the small stuff. Anything they can’t handle they can refer to you.”
Moses liked the idea of being the chief justice of his own supreme court and accepted his father-in-law’s suggestion. Jethro must have missed his own gods because he returned to his tribe. I assume Moses’ family went back with him because you don’t hear from them again. It’s hard to be in politics and have a family life.
Moses Talks to God
(Ch 19) Again there is something out of chronological order. Three months after they left Egypt, the Israelites entered the Sinai desert and pitched their tents at the base of the mountains. Mountains were considered sacred by ancient people because they were thought to be closer to the gods. It also made it difficult for the common man to check them out. Mount Olympus is an example.
Mt. Sinai was considered sacred long before the Hebrews got there. It can be traced back to Samarian mythology. Maybe Jehovah just borrowed it from a local god for the occasion. Sort of a form of professional courtesy among gods. But no one really knows which mountain really is the Mt. Sinai.
Moses went up the mountain to confer with God. God told Moses, “OK. You all saw what I did to the Egyptians and how I brought you here. Remind the people that if they continue to do everything I say, they will be my special people.”
At that point, Jehovah was still only a tribal god who had the grandiose idea that he was god of the world. He didn’t become a truly international god until a guy named Paul spread his name over the Roman world, Many Jews still think that Jehovah is exclusively theirs today.
“Just so they will believe you, I am going to hide inside a dark cloud so they can hear me talk to you but can't see me. Now go down and sanctify all the people. Tomorrow have them wash all their clothes and on the third day I will come down and talk with them.” I guess being in the desert without much water, they were beginning to smell a bit rank. “Set up a boundary so the people can’t get too close to me and kill anyone and anything that crosses it.”
Moses did all this and on the third day there was lightning and thunder on top of the mountain. The people were afraid but they came up to the boundary. This sounds almost like the Wizard of Oz. Then trumpets sounded and God addressed Moses so the people could hear.
God told Moses to come up the mountain for a little private talk. “Moses, go back down; I know, I know; you just came up. Tell the people not to get any closer.” I don’t think that he had to worry about that. By now he had the people petrified. “You and Aaron can come back up but nobody else.”
The New Laws
(Ch 20) God gave Moses an extensive list of laws. This was before they were carved in stone. Some believe these were the Ten Commandment but they weren't. The real Ten Commandments* have rules like you shouldn't boil a calf in its mother's milk. (*For the real Ten Commandments, go to Exodus 34:10)
I’ll only go over the most interesting as most of them don’t apply to us today. Or at least we ignore them. After all, we don’t have slaves and most of us treat women better than they did. Middle-East is mostly desert or semi-desert and the Israelites lived in tents so they had to move around a lot to find grass for their sheep and other animals. Because it was difficult to have secure jails in tents (it was very difficult to sew in the bars) and they couldn’t be fined as they didn’t have jobs, they relied more on executions for punishments. This was also a good prevention for repeat offenders.
Thou shalt not have any other gods before me. The first and most important rule was the rule of the exclusivity of God. When the preachers say that God is a jealous god, they aren’t kidding. You even think of worshiping another god and it’s off with your head. Actually, they used stoning for capital punishments. And God damn it, you had better not use his name in vain. I don’t think it was fair for punishments to be passed down to your children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren. Maybe the reason I’m having such a hard time lately is that I am being punished for a horse that my great-great-grandfather stole.
Thou shalt not have any graven images. It doesn’t say only graven images of gods, it said all graven images. Can you imagine no TV, no movies, no Sunday comics, etc.? Hollywood would be wiped out and actors would have to get legitimate jobs like the rest of us. There are some sects that try to follow this rule, but they are too few to mention. Can you imagine a Catholic Church without statues and icons? Some Catholic South American Indians even worship the images as gods.
Through no fault of my own, I spent some time in a Mexican prison talking to some of the Mexican prisoners.* One told me of his family in a small town in Southern Mexico where the statue of the baby Jesus was in the local church. After a rain, some jokester smeared mud on the feet of the statue. To this day, many of the locals pray to the statue and think that at night, the statue of the baby Jesus comes alive and walks through the town at night doing good deeds. (*Tales from the Tijuana Jails, Sam Warren, 2008)
I read in the newspaper that a woman in Tijuana saw an image of the Virgin of Guadalupe in the rust at the bottom of the bucket she used to water her dog. She built a shrine for the bucket and people came from all over to pray. Some said the bucket performed various miracles and answered prayers. Maybe they should make it a “Saint Bucket.”
Another strange rule prohibited working on the Sabbath. I guess on God’s day off, he doesn’t want to have to be checking up on what we are doing. It was the death penalty if you were caught working on the Sabbath. Actually, the Sabbath was not important until the Babylonian exile. The custom was thought to have originated with the Babylonians.
The Jews, Muslims and Seventh-Day Adventist all rest on Saturdays while the Christians rest on Sundays. Or they are supposed to. The Romans worshiped the sun god on the Sun’s day and the Christians wanted to blend in.
Orthodox Jews take this rule seriously. Some even hire Christians to open their windows or turn on the heat in their houses. A Jewish rule that was not in the Old Testament prohibited travel on the Sabbath, with the exception of travel over water. Some put pans of water under the seats in their coaches and cars. Do you think God knew they were cheating?
There is this story* about this Orthodox Jewish boy who, when he was on his way to the synagogue on Saturday, found a twenty-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Being a pious boy, he prayed for guidance. Then a miracle happened: for a block around him, it was Tuesday and he could pick it up. (*From The Priest, the Pastor and the Rabbi, Sam Warren 2005)
Thou shalt not kill. The only people who follow this one are the Amish or Mennonites. As a Mennonite boy from Kansas, I was one of the first in our church to join the Army. The Christians, and later the Muslims, have killed millions for not believing the same way they do. Except for Communism, which is a secular religion, you don’t find atheists killing people for believing differently from the way they do. And Hitler was a Roman Catholic even though his grandfather was a Jew.
Thou shalt not commit adultery, If you do, you should be stoned. Nowadays, many are stoned before they commit adultery. This rule was mostly enforced against women. After all, it was their fault for enticing the men. That is why some Muslims keep their women under wraps. Various surveys indicate that more than half of all men have committed adultery and many more would like to. There must be a lot of women who commit adultery because men don’t commit adultery with each other unless they are gay. I don’t think that there are enough rocks to stone that many people.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. For the Jews, it was all right to lie to gentiles but not to each other. Now this doesn’t say that you can’t lie; it only said that you can’t lie against your neighbor. This doesn’t prevent you from lying to the IRS or about yourself to your girlfriend. It also doesn’t pertain to the fish that got away.
Thou shalt not covet your neighbor’s stuff. You are especially not to covet his wife or his ass. It would destroy our economy if we didn’t want the same or better stuff as our neighbors. Most of us would be perfectly happy with what we have if it weren’t for coveting our neighbor’s material goods. I covet my neighbor’s best-selling book.
When the people saw God's pyrotechnical display on top of the mountain, they told Moses to go ahead and talk to God. They didn’t want to see God because they were afraid they would fall over dead. The idea that if you saw the face of God you would die was not necessarily true. Many of the patriarchs in the past saw God and lived to tell about it. One even wrestled with him.
God told Moses that when they made an altar, to use earth or natural stone. He said that if a tool touched it, it would be polluted. In addition, he didn’t want steps leading up to the altar. Now get this – this was because he didn’t want anyone to see under the robes of the priests. I suppose they didn’t wear underwear.
(Ch 21) The list goes on to give the rules for buying and selling slaves and daughters. If you have too many daughters to feed, it was OK to sell them. I liked my sister but I wouldn't have minded if my parents had sold a brother.
Coming next was the rule about what to do in case someone wounded or killed another. This was where the old “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” came from. You had to wait for Jesus before forgiving came into vogue.
God is all for capital punishment as the punishment for most crimes is being stoned. I don't mind being stoned at all.
And now rules on what to do if one had an ox in their back yard and it wounds or kills a neighbor. I wonder if that rule also goes for pit bulls and cars.
This chapter proves that God doesn't agree with the fundies that he is against abortions. It says that if a man causes a woman to miscarry, it is not a murder but a crime against property and all he has to do is pay a fine.
(Ch 22) The rules continue with regulations about theft and grand larceny. There was a rule about what to do in the case of rape. Nowadays when you rape someone so you serve a long sentence in jail. They had no jails in those days, you paid the father a dowry and married the girl. The girl had nothing to say about it. After being raped, the only thing she would be good for was a slave. These rules are still sometimes followed in various parts of the world
Next, you have to kill all witches. That must mean that there really are witches and that the people of Salem were doing the right thing. The problem was that it doesn’t tell you how to know who was a witch and who wasn’t. So, when in doubt, just kill them and let God worry about it. Some anthropologists think this rule was to help get rid of useless old widows who were past their prime and only used up valuable resources. I'm glad we don't still do that as I have a lot of single old women who are my friends.
And it was death if you had sex with an animal, especially if you were a woman. Later in the OT, the rule was changed so if one were a woman, both the animal and the woman were executed. No wonder they don’t have the donkey shows anymore in Tijuana. If you were a man, only the animal was executed. I wonder if you could still eat it afterwards? They had to change this rule because they were losing a lot of shepherds this way.
On the positive side, you were supposed to take care of widows and orphans.
Here’s a good one. You are not supposed to charge interest to your own people. In the Middle Ages, the Catholic Church took up this rule thus enabling the Jews to establish a banking system by lending money. The Netherlands and other countries ended up with most of the gold from the New World because the Spanish could only buy things but could not make investments. If a Jew wanted to borrow from a Jew, there had to be a gentile in the middle.
It also said that you should not revile the gods or curse your rulers. Does that mean that there are other gods? And I thought that God hated other gods so why should he mind if someone reviled one? The prophets who were rewriting the Old Testament forgot to change this part. It showed that early on, there was more than one god accepted and you were supposed to honor the gods of whomever you were visiting. And as far as not reviling our rulers, I refuse to stop reviling President Bush II for all the deaths in Iraq. Who did he think he was – God?
The chapter ends with God reminding the Israelites to give their firstborn to him. And what do you think God did with them?
(Ch 23) There are a bunch of more rules but one that would destroy politics and Christmas as we know it was the rule that you are not supposed to accept gifts. Politicians would have to accept bribes instead of gifts. And many businesses would go bankrupt without Christmas and Mother’s Day sales. And what about charitable organizations? How could they take care of the widows and orphans if you couldn’t give them gifts?
One rule that our Department of Agriculture might approve of is the rule that you should leave your fields fallow every seven years. This was an early example of crop rotation and a case to prove that there are some good things in the Bible. It would have been more logical to only leave one field at a time fallow so they would have food during the winter
The rest of the chapter is filled with rules on the proper way to burn your sacrifices. Like most rules in the Bible, we ignore them today – thank God.
Then God said to the Israelites, “I am going to help you to destroy all the tribes that live in Canaan. I like a good plague, so first I’ll chase them out with hornets. However, I will only do it a little at a time so none of the land will be left fallow until your people grow large enough to use all of it.” Isn’t that nice of God to let some people live a little bit longer? “But I don’t want any of you to share land with them. They might corrupt you innocent people with their gods.”
Now that’s a good idea for our military. They could train hornets to attack the enemy. Instead of having to wear gas masks, we would have to wear beekeeping hats.
The Other Ten Commandments
(Ch 24) “Now, Moses,” said the Lord. “I want you, Aaron, and 70 of the elders to come part way up the mountain. But only you are to come up all the way to talk to me.” Before he went up, Moses built an altar and a pillar of stones for each of the twelve or thirteen tribes, depending on how you count. Then he wrote down all the rules God gave him. That must have been difficult as all they had were ink, brushes and long scrolls of papyrus. It was a good thing they weren’t carved in stone yet.
After getting the people together, he read all of God’s commandments. Before making the big sacrifice, they kept all the blood. God has this thing about blood. He thought that it was the basis of life. Moses took half of the blood and sprinkled it on a rock. Then he sprinkled the other half on the people. The flies must have really made out. People must have had a hard time getting all those blood stains out without New and Improved Tide.
Moses, Aaron and the 70 elders went up the mountain where they actually saw God in person standing on a slab of pure sapphire. Not only did they see him and not die, they all had lunch together. I swear on my testicles that I’m not making this up. Maybe the rule about not seeing God and living was made after this.
Aaron stayed behind to keep order and Moses went up the rest of the way with his chief of staff, Joshua. A cloud formed and they waited six days before Moses was admitted into God’s office. This was even worse than visiting a doctor’s office.
On the seventh day, God said, “OK Moses, you can come into my cloud now.” This was all preceded by a pyrotechnical display. Moses stayed in the cloud with God for 40 days. Forty was one of the magic numbers that God liked, similar to seven and twelve. Poor Joshua. I don’t know what he did for food.
Instructions for the Tabernacle and Ark
(Ch 25) While inside the cloud, God told Moses, “I want you to make me a special tent that I can use as a portable church. This is so I can stay closer to all of my people. And I want the best – spare no expense. I want the people to donate some of that stuff they stole, I mean borrowed, from the Egyptians. I need lots of gold, silver, brass, wood, and everything needed to make me a really neat pad. While you are at it, make me a portable cabinet to carry the tablets of stone that I am going to dictate to you and the jar of manna you are keeping as a souvenir.”
The balance of the chapter is filled with instructions on how to make the Tabernacle and the Ark. Of interest are the instructions to place a statue of a cherub on the front and the back of the Ark. Notice that I didn’t say “cherubim” as that is the plural form. These cherubim were the same mythical creatures that God placed at the gates of the Garden of Eden. I guess they were not mythical if God said that they were real.
(Ch 26,27 & 28) God knew just how he wanted his tent and ark built and these chapters go into fine detail. Aaron and his sons were to be the priests so there were instructions on how they were to dress – God the fashion designer.
(Ch 29,30 & 31) This chapter has instructions on how to butcher the animals for sacrifices. Part of the sacrifices were for Aaron and his family to eat. Instructions were also given for how to purify the Temple and the priests. I’m glad that we don’t have to purify our ministers and priests today. They are supposed to be pure to began with.
There were also instructions for the Urim and the Thummin which was placed inside the ephod which was a kind of apron with pockets. You don't know what a Urim or Thummin are? Don't worry – no one else does either. The reason was that when the OT was written, everyone knew what it was so it didn't need to be described.
They were some kind of device to communicate with God if you couldn't get a clear vision. Heads we go to war; tails we don't. Nowadays we mostly find out what God wants through revelations through people like the Pope or Pat Robinson. George Bush also has a direct line he used when God told him to attack Iraq.
The Golden Calf
(Ch 32) Aaron and his gang were tired of waiting, or maybe they just ran out of food, so they went back down. The people thought Moses wasn’t coming back, so they asked Aaron to make them a statue of a golden calf.
Aaron had them bring him their gold and he made a golden calf for them to worship. They weren’t ready yet to worship an idea rather than a physical idol, even if they did hear God’s voice and witnessed all the miracles Moses performed for them. Sounds like they had a really short memory. But they might just be worshiping the same god but in a physical form. Many cultures had bulls for gods because they were important for fertility.
People are uncomfortable with an invisible god. That is the reason for idols and icons. That is also the reason the Catholic Church, in spite of the Second Commandment, has so many statues, paintings, etc. In Mexico, the images of the Virgin of Guadalupe are very popular, even on tortillas and stains. The Catholic Church even made a saint of an imaginary Indian named Juan who was supposed to have seen her. They invented her to take the place of an Aztec goddess the Indians worshiped. But don't tell a Mexican. The Virgin of Guadalupe is a national icon like the Black Madonna of Poland or the Statue of Liberty in the U.S. Only we don't worship it.
When God saw all this, he really flipped out. He should have known in advance this was going to happen. “Me-damn all those ungrateful people. I’m going to wipe them all out and have you, Moses, found my nation from scratch.”
Moses pleaded, “Cool it, God. Remember all the good times and promises you made to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob? What would the Egyptians think if they found out? They would laugh at you for not being able to handle your own people. All the other gods would think you were a wuss.”
Moses went down the mountain with the two stone tablets to scold the people. He was so mad that he threw the two tablets down and they broke. Then he said, “You God damn, blankity blankity schmucks. Can’t I leave you alone for just a few days without you fucking up?”
He took the gold calf and melted it down. After it cooled, he pulverized it, put it in water and made them all drink it. That’s heavy, man. I wonder if they shit gold bricks. “Aaron, my own brother. How could you of all people do this thing?”
Aaron humbly replied, “Now, little bro, don’t be mad at me. The people made me do it.” To show that they were all afraid and remorseful, he had everyone take their clothes off. As modest as all the Jews were, that was bad enough.
Moses said, “All of you who are on my side, step over this way.” All of the tribe of Levi went over to Moses’ side. Then he said, “Take your swords and kill every one of those mothers who didn’t come over.” All told, they killed about 3,000. The book doesn’t say what they did with all the women and children but they probably killed them as well. Without survivor’s benefits, if you killed the breadwinner, you had to kill the whole family as they had no way of surviving by themselves.
Marching to the Promise Land
God told Moses, “OK, now you can lead them all to the promised land. But you can tell them that I am not through with them yet. I’m going to send another plague.” Forgiveness was never one of God’s strong points.
(Ch 33) “Now that you have led all the people out of Egypt, you can take them to the land I promised. I’ll send an angel to drive out all the inhabitants. I’m not going to go with you this time because I’m still so mad that I might be tempted to destroy you all.” God has anger issues.
He promised to drive out all the tribes in the land but didn’t explain that the Israelites would have to do the dirty work themselves and that many of them would be killed in the process. God helps those who help themselves. They really didn’t need a god or an angel for this, except for moral support.
But Moses told God, “You have to go with us or no one will know that we are your people.”
“OK, OK already, I’ll go with you.”
God Moons Moses
“Please God, one more favor. Can I just have a peek at your glorious presence?” He must have forgotten that he saw it earlier.
“No one can see my face and live. But I’ll tell you what. Close your eyes and when I tell you to open them, I'll show you my ass.” Gods don’t wear clothes so that must mean that God mooned Moses. But it was not true that you die if you see his face. There were other instances in the Old Testament where people who saw God walking as a human did not die.
(Ch 34) “OK, Moses. We’ll try this again from the top. This time, nobody touches the foot of the mountain. Now cut two stone tablets and the first thing tomorrow morning, I want you to come up again. Try not to break anything this time. I’ll do the writing because I can write on stone better than you.” The next morning, God floated down in a cloud and announced himself.
Punished for Sins of Your Ancestors
“Me, I’m good.” bragged God. “I am merciful and gracious. I don’t lose my temper easily and I am full of love and faithfulness (yeah, right). I forgive thousands of their sins. But I don’t leave sin unpunished. I even punish the children for the sins of their fathers to the third and fourth generations.”
I'm glad we didn't have those laws when I was growing up. My father sinned a lot when he was young and I would hate to have been punished for all his sins. And then there are the accumulated sins of my grandfather and great-grandfather. I don't have any kids so the sins stop here.
“God,” Moses begged. “I know that we are a stiff-necked people, but please forgive us and take us to the Promised Land.” So God forgave them and reaffirmed the covenant he made with the patriarchs.
God commanded, “Just so you won’t be tempted, I want you to have nothing to do with those you conquer. Be sure to destroy all their altars, idols and holy places. They are spiritual prostitutes. They worship idols and not me, even though they have never heard of me.
“And don’t marry any of those foreign Jezebels so they won’t try to covert you to their gods. You know how cunning those cunts can be.” It doesn’t sound like God is too secure as top god if he is worried about women undermining him. God must have been a slow writer so it took him another 40 days to write only 10 commandments while Moses had to cool his heels.
This time when Moses came down with the tablets, he had a shiny face. Before he spoke to the people who had not been killed, he put a veil on his face. It was said it glowed because Moses had talked to God face-to-face. I thought all he saw was God’s butt. Another error?
The Real Ten Commandments
This may really surprise some of you. The Ten Commandments God chiseled were not the ones we have been taught and many have tried to put in courthouses. Here are some of the real commandments:
1. For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:
2. Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.
3. The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep.
4. All that openeth the matrix (vagina) is mine; and every firstling among thy cattle, whether ox or sheep, that is male.
5. Six days thou shalt work, but on the seventh day thou shalt rest.
6. And thou shalt observe the feast of weeks.
7. Thrice in the year shall all your men-children appear before the Lord God, the God of Israel.
8. Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leaven.
9. The first of the first fruits of thy land thou shalt bring unto the house of the Lord thy God.
10. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother’s milk.
How many of these have you broken?
(Ch 35 thru 40) The rest of the chapters are repeated instructions on how to put together the Tabernacle and the Ark and how to make all the sacrifices. I didn’t take the time to compare them with the first instructions to see if there were any errors but there probably were. If you find just one error in the Bible, it can no longer be called perfect.
Now how, you may ask, did all these ignorant nomads make all those magnificent things? Well, the book said that God just programmed certain men with the knowledge and skills. The people donated so much gold and other valuables that Moses had to tell them to stop. They must have done a real good job of swindling the Egyptians.
Leviticus is mostly about how to sacrifice for different sins and other things. I won’t go into detail because I doubt any of you still sacrifice except on your backyard BBQ on weekends. As God only wants to smell it, what doesn’t go up in smoke for Him, you can consume yourselves, even though you may not be Levities.
Sacrificial Instructions
(Ch 1 thru 10) The instructions for sacrifices were so numerous and detailed, I don’t see how they found enough first-born cattle without blemishes to sacrifice them all. I’ll hurry up so we can get back to the main story which was the conquest of Canaan. One quote that stands out was that a burnt offering was a “sweet savor to the Lord.” God enjoys the smoke and smell of burnt flesh and maybe that’s the reason they burnt so many heretics during the Inquisition. I imagine nowadays with all the smog, his nose must be clogged up.
Not all of the sacrifices were burnt. Part of them went to the priests and their families to eat. Knowing how corrupt people were, including priests, I would think a lot of it was sold on the black market. God was very strict about following his instructions to the letter. Two of Aaron’s sons burnt something unauthorized in their incense burners and God had them burnt alive. So much for a merciful and forgiving god.
(Ch 11) This chapter explained what you can eat and what was unclean. It stated that if you touched the carcass of an unclean animal, you were made unclean and had to go though some rituals to get clean again. Everyone knows Jews and Muslims can’t eat pork. I’m glad I’m not Jewish as I love a good piece of honey-baked ham. But did you know on the list of stuff you could eat were locusts, grasshoppers and beetles? I wonder how they prepared them, fried or broiled. They would be a good snack for Monday night football. These insects contain a lot of protein so it is just all a matter of custom. In some cultures, insects are a delicacy.
When I was stationed in Washington, DC in the 60s, I bought a jar of grasshoppers in a Safeway Supermarket especially for foreign diplomats. I tasted a drumstick but that’s as far as I had the guts to go. I freaked out a lot of my friends though.
(Ch 12) Jews, Muslims and Catholics are misanthropes and their gods are as well. When a woman had a male baby, she was unclean for seven days and on the eighth day, he had his cock clipped. When a female baby was born, the mother was unclean for 14 days. Then she had to perform a sacrifice by burning a lamb and a pigeon. Meanwhile, if she touched anything, it became unclean. But, God allowed them to possess slaves to wash everything she touched.
Leprosy and the Plague
(Ch 13) Next we have guidelines for detecting leprosy and what to do about it. Because we now have drugs that can treat leprosy, you can skip this chapter. God couldn’t cure leprosy and Jesus could only cure the ones he touched, but in recent times, humans have almost eradicated the disease from the face of the Earth. If God was so merciful, why did he wait so long for us to do it for him? In one verse, God admitted he was the one who caused leprosy to punish sinful humans. This chapter gave all kinds of rituals to go through for people who had leprosy before they were shoved out of the village gate to fend for themselves.
(Ch 14) Now here is a good one. Did you know that your house could have the plague? I wonder how a house sinned to get it? Here are rituals and sacrifices to cure the house: Anyone who entered the house was made unclean. More work for the priests. If the mold, I mean plague, came back, the owner had to tear down the house and drop it outside the city walls. You don’t want your neighbor’s house to catch whatever your house had.
(Ch 15) More rituals and sacrifices for anything strange that comes out of the body, like pus. It also says that if a man ejaculates, he has to take a bath. I would have had to take a lot of baths when I was a teenager.
The Scapegoat
(Ch 16) Have you ever wondered how the word “scapegoat” originated? Aaron’s two sons were killed by God, so Aaron had to perform a special sin sacrifice. First he got two goats. Then he performed the equivalent of tossing a coin to pick one to sacrifice. But first he took a bullock and sacrificed it with lots of ritual and splashing of blood.
The unlucky goat was sacrificed like the bullock, mixing some of their blood together. Aaron put his hands on the head of the lucky live goat and transferred all the sins of the tribe to it. He then sent the goat out into the wilderness to be eaten by lions or various other beasts. In this way, all the sins of the community were sent away.
The Catholic way is a lot cheaper and easier. You just tell your sins to a priest, be forgiven, say so many “Hail Marys” or “Our Fathers” and sin no more – until next time. I shouldn’t pick on the Catholics all the time. The Protestants just pray directly and ask for forgiveness and are forgiven.
More Rules and Regulations
(Ch 17) You should never eat any blood. If you killed something to eat, you first had to drain out all the blood to make it kosher. That means you English who eat blood pudding, also called black pudding, are committing a sin.
(Ch 18) This chapter is about nudism. God is against it. If he wanted us to be nude, we would have been born that way. Groan. Sorry. It all boils down to the fact that they should never see nude any woman or anybody they were related to. God ordered everyone not to let anyone to whom they were directly related be sacrificed to the god Moloch. Human sacrifices were very common in those days. Many scholars think even Jehovah had some humans sacrificed but most of those facts were edited out by the prophets of the exile. They missed a few but we will get to that later.
Next the chapter said God is against homosexuality and bestiality. Fundies use this verse to condemn homosexuality but seem to overlook all the other commandments that specify death as the punishment. They are cafeteria Christians, but you shouldn’t be able to pick and choose your sins. If you kill queers, you should kill adulterers too.
(Ch 19) Leviticus has a number of commandments that are even better than the famous 10.
Some sacrifices you were allowed to eat but you only had two days to eat it, and after that you had to burn the leftovers. Because there was no refrigeration in those days, meat left over would be safe on the third day. I think this was the reason they killed lambs and bullocks rather than adult cattle. There wouldn’t be as many leftovers after the second day.
They were supposed to leave some grain at the edges of the fields when harvesting so the poor could get some to eat. This was their version of welfare. This rule was probably added later; at this time, the Israelites were nomadic herdsman, not farmers, until they “liberated” some land.
Cutting your hair, beard, or having tattoos were taboo, along with consorting with wizards and spiritualists. Don’t pimp your daughters and make sure your scales were honest. This is the reason conservative Jews and Amish don’t cut their beards.
This is also where Matthew came up the the idea that JC said “. . . thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”
(Ch 20) First, God said anyone who sacrifices any of his children to the god Moloch should be stoned. And it was death for adultery (that would eliminate a lot of our congressmen), sleeping with your mother, sleeping with your daughter, lying with men, marrying both a mother and her daughter at the same time, and having sex with animals (that must have exterminated a lot of sheepherders along with their sheep). If you have sex with a woman when she was on her period, you both had to be excommunicated. Many of the other prohibitions were ones you have already been told about. Out of all these prohibitions, sex with a man is the only one many people pick out.
(Ch 21,22) You can skip these chapters unless you are a priest. Their rules were even stricter than those for the common people. Anyone who had a blemish or defect could not be a priest. However, as long as they were members of the Levi tribe, they could still eat the sacrificial meat. But what about vegetables for a balanced diet?
(Ch 23,24) These chapters cover holidays, feast days and more rules about food.
(Ch 25) This is a continuation of Chapter 24 which delves into the rules of economics. It gives the rules for buying and selling land and slaves. I still have a hard time believing our beloved god used to deal with slaves. And some people fault Thomas Jefferson and George Washington for the few they had.
(C 26) There are a number of different types of laws in this chapter and a repetition of many we have already covered. God loves to repeat himself. God said that in battles he will make five Israelites equal to a hundred of the enemy. It is too bad he won’t do that today. It could really help us out in Iraq and Afghanistan. With our luck, he’s probably on the other side.
Next, God switches tone and goes into a tirade about all the horrible things he will do to anyone who strays. He said he would make them so hungry they would eat their own children. There were a couple of other places in the OT where parents were forced to eat their children. This is common among primates. If adults survived, they could always have more kids, but if they starve to death, the children would die anyway. “Honey, pass me some of the roasted Bobby, please.”
(Ch 27) This last chapter of Leviticus gives the value in shekels of property donated to Jehovah including slaves, animals and land. The tithe rate was 10 percent. If you wished to buy back something you gave, you had to add a fifth extra. You couldn’t call it interest as that was against the law, so you had to call it a handling fee. God is a sharp businessman.
And God cuts no slack for kids. Kids had better keep an eye on their fathers to be sure they don’t stray. Whatever was the father’s punishment would be passed down to the children and the children’s, children’s children.
If you thought Leviticus was boring, you haven’t read Numbers. It is called Numbers because it has a list of a lot of facts we couldn’t give a hoot about today.
(Ch 1,2,3) The book opens with a census listed by tribe of all the men that were fit to fight. I think you will have to take the total figure of 603,550 with not only a grain of salt but the whole pillar. On top of the fighting men, to get the real total, you would need to add old men, women, children, slaves, the tribe of Levi and the odd fellow traveler. You would have over three to four million people. This is more than the county of San Diego. And don't forget the cattle.
Can you just imagine that many people wandering around the desert? Think of the logistics. Where would they get that much food and water for man and beasts? And think of the sewage. If God could fit all those creatures in one wooden boat, I guess he could figure out how to handle that many in a barren desert.
These chapters are a genealogy of the twelve tribes. None of the different genealogies in the Bible match but that doesn’t seem to bother the literalist. The last few verses gave the salaries of the Levites who were the priestly tribe. One can’t live by sacrificial meat alone.
(Ch 4) The first part of this chapter spells out the jobs of the temple priests from carrying the Ark to setting up the temple tents. It also presented an additional genealogy. They must have crammed every piece of parchment they found with writing on it into the OT.
All this stuff should have gone into an appendix, if at all. But if all they included in the OT were moral teachings, it would have been a leaflet instead of a book. The Koran is far from perfect, but it was put together much better. Of course, the reason is that only one man wrote it, even though he was illiterate. The Book of Mormon is another example. They supposedly are all about the same god.
(Ch 5,6) Next we have instructions of what to do with people who are unclean or sinful. In Addition, there were guides on how to become a Nazarite, which was a Jewish kind of monk. They were supposed not have sex and not cut their hair. I imagine becoming a Nazarite was a way for gay Israelites to hide in the closet so they wouldn’t have to get married like Catholic priests today. Samson was supposed to be a Nazarite but he had lots of sex with women. Some say that Jesus was also a Nazarite.
(Ch 7) The next chapter was all about taxes. It listed how much each tribe had to give. All those rules are obsolete so this is just a waste of space. Someone should rewrite the Bible and leave out all the garbage. Wait – that’s what I’m doing.
(Ch 8,9) More Tabernacle instructions, holiday instructions and what someone should do if they found a dead body. It repeated the whole thing about following a cloud during the day and a fire at night.
(Ch 10) This chapter has instructions on gathering people for military service and also the names of their leaders.
Back to the Main Story
(Ch 11) Finally we get back to the main story. This is a rather nasty chapter. It starts out with the people complaining about not having enough to eat. Some said, “We wish we were back in Egypt where at least we would not starve. We are sick and tired of this manna. Day after day, there is only manna, manna, manna. We want some meat.” The manna was thought to be something like coriander seed which they would grind into flour.
But God wasn’t in the mood to hear complaints, so he burned the complainers alive. That taught them a lesson. That’s some tough god. If you don’t complain, you starve. If you do, you get fried. Well if they didn’t sacrifice so many sheep to God maybe they wouldn’t be so hungry.
God said, “You want meat? I’ll give you meat. I’ll give you so much meat it will run out of your noses. You will eat meat for a whole month until you are sick of it.” Then God created a wind that blew quails in all over the place. They didn't even have to catch and kill them; they just dropped dead on their own. The dead quails covered the ground for one day’s journey in any direction and two cubits high. That’s a lot of quail. Think of the stench when they started to rot. They had to shovel quail if they wanted to go anywhere.
The quails flew in day and night and the Israelites gathered them by the bushels and gorged themselves on the meat. But God wasn’t through punishing them. He gave them food poisoning and thousands died. Served those gluttons right. Maybe that was a way to get the Israelite population down to a manageable size.
Aaron and Miriam’s Power Play
(Ch 12) Aaron and Miriam become jealous of Moses. They told him, “Why are you hogging all the power? We can communicate with God too.”
So God called the three of them to go to the Tabernacle where he could talk to them. “Look, you two. I have complete faith in Moses. I may talk to some people through visions, but with Moses, we talk face-to-face. If I were you, I would be careful about criticizing him.” God was really steamed. He turned Miriam white with leprosy. You notice that Aaron was exempted from punishment because he was a man.
Aaron and Moses pleaded with God to heal her so God gave her probation of seven days staying outside the camp. That showed that uppity female.
Send out the Spies
(Ch 13) Moses sent a representative from each tribe to spy out the land. They brought back samples of fruit and reported that the land was as full of milk and honey as God had promised. However, everyone except Caleb said the inhabitants were too strong for them to conquer. They reported that the land of Canaan was full of giants.
(Ch 14) They all complained that they didn’t want to go. Haven’t they learned by now that complaining to God could be fatal to their health? They wanted to appoint another leader and go back to Egypt. It appears that Egypt wasn’t as bad as we were led to believe.
Joshua and Caleb said that with God’s help they could conquer the land. The people wanted to stone them. This really pissed God off again. He yelled, “I’m going to smite all of you bastards and make a new nation bigger and better than yours.”
But Moses beseeched him, saying, “God, don’t do this thing. You are a merciful god. If you do this, the word will get back to the Egyptians and all the people in Canaan. They will all laugh at you, saying that you are a weak god who can’t even control his own people.” God is a pushover if you use his ego against him. He hates to be laughed at.
Then God replied to Moses, “OK, but because Joshua and Caleb were the only ones who had faith in me, they are the only ones who will live to see the Promised Land. You will all wander in the desert for 40 years until the carcasses of everyone over the age of 20 will litter the wilderness.”
After Moses told the people what God said, they saw the light and repented. But Moses said, “It’s too late now. God is no longer with you.” They wanted to climb the hill just to take a peek at the land. However, the Amalekites and the Canaanites attacked them and chased them away.
The Dummy's Guide to Sacrifices
(Ch 15) Now we leave the story and get back to rules and regulations. The first part of this chapter is filled with more instructions for making sacrifices. One sacrifice I forgot to mention earlier was where they baked a loaf of bread using the first grains harvested. They ground the grain extra fine, baked it, and then they held it up in the air for God to smell. After that, they were allowed to eat it. That’s how I tithe. I hold up a freshly printed hundred-dollar bill, let God smell it and then I spend it.
The second part is rather sad. They caught a guy gathering sticks to make a fire on the Sabbath. They asked God what to do with him and God said, “Stone the bastard. How dare he work on my day off?” So they did. Then God ordered everyone to sew blue hems around all their clothes to remind them that he was God. This order must have been forgotten because I can’t ever remember seeing a Jew wearing a blue hem.
The Attempted Rebellion
(Ch 16) Now we have the story about how God put down a rebellion. One day, 250 of the leaders went up to Moses and Aaron and told them, “We are holy also. Who died and made you king?”
Moses replied, “I’ll show you who is boss here.” After performing some rituals that I won’t go into, the earth opened and swallowed them, including their families, slaves and anyone associated with them. One thing you can say for God. He knows how to get rid of a problem.
The rest of the people protested and asked Moses, “Why did you have to kill all these people?” You would think that by now they would learn to keep their mouths shut so as to not irritate God. But no, they had to mouth off.
God said, “OK, enough is enough. I’ve had it with all you. I am going to kill all of you with the plague.” But Moses had Aaron run out into the crowd with burning incense. That stopped the plague but he was too late to save everyone. More than 14,000 were killed by the plague before it ran its course. Maybe the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia, should stock up on incense just in case.
(Ch 17) This is a short, silly chapter. God was going to do another trick to prove to the people that the tribe of Levi was the priestly, ruling tribe. He had the head of each tribe write the name of their tribe on a stick. Then Moses said, “I’m going to put each of your sticks into the Tabernacle and the one that grows a flower is the priestly tribe.” It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out this trick. Aaron and the priests simply switched the sticks as they were the only ones allowed in the Tabernacle.
Back to the Rules Again
(Ch 18,19) Now we go over all the rules, obligations and rewards for the tribe of Levi. There are more rules for sacrifices and what to do to purify yourself if you encounter a dead body. We’ve already gone over all that.
Miriam and Aaron Die
(Ch 20) Miriam, Moses’ sister, died and was buried. Then they ran out of water again and complained again. They never learn. Maybe it was in the way they said it. Perhaps a better way would be for them to say, “God. We know you are really busy running the universe and all, and whatever you do is fine with us, but a little water would help us in conquering Canaan and killing all those nasty people you want us to kill.”
This time God had Moses hit a rock and the water flowed out again. However, God gave them all a really good ass-chewing. At least he didn’t kill anyone this time. Maybe the tribes were getting too small.
God told Aaron, “Because you doubted me in the past and you made that gold calf, you are going to have to die before you reach the Promised Land.”
Moses sent a message to the king of Edan asking him for permission to cross their land. Permission was denied, so the Israelites took a longer route. But first Moses, Aaron and Aaron’s son went to the top of a mountain. Aaron took all his priestly robes off, put them on his son and died. That climb up the mountain probably didn’t help him any.
Kill Those Crazy Canaanites
(Ch 21) The Canaanites heard the Israelites were in the area, so they attacked and took some prisoners. This is confusing because the word “Canaanites” covers everyone in Canaan except the Israelites. So we don’t really know which tribe attacked them.
The Israelites swore to God that if God would help them, they would destroy the Canaanites. Which was what they did, man, women and children including babies. So much for God loving little children. It doesn’t say, but I bet they saved the virgins to use for concubines and sacrifices. Virgins were a hot commodity in those days. They’re pretty scarce around here also.
Too Many Snakes; Not Enough Water
Again they ran out of water and complained. And again God punished them. This time he sent a bunch of poisonous snakes that bit and killed a number of them. Once again the people repented and prayed for forgivingness. This time, Moses made an idol in the form of a snake on a stick. When anyone who was bitten looked at it, he/she was cured. So much for the graven image commandment. Generations later, they still had the snake idol and made it into a god and worshiped it. The author didn’t say if they got any water.
After the Israelites made a few more stops to camp, the Amorites refused to let them pass and attacked them. The Israelites smote them and took over all their towns. It doesn’t say, but I imagine the same thing happened to the Amorites as what happened to the Canaanites. And they were only trying to protect their land and families.
The Wizard With the Talking Ass
(Ch 22) Balak, the king of Moab, saw what happened to his neighbors and was afraid so he sent a delegation to Balaam, the famous wizard. Balak asked him to put a curse on the Israelites. However, God told Balaam his curse would not work because he had already blessed them. A blessing tops a curse any day.
The god of the Moabites was Chemosh. With a few exceptions, gods came with the territory. Unless you carried your god with you, you worshiped the god of the area you were in. Ruth worshiped the god of Moab until she returned to Israel.
Foreign gods were treated with respect unless their people were at war. Then it was a matter of whose god was the strongest. That is why the Ark of the Covenant was so important at first. It traveled with them as a place where God lived and it took the place of an idol. Later when Jehovah got stronger, the foreign gods were either worthless or devils.
Next Balak sent a delegation of high-ranking princes with a large bribe to get Balaam to change his mind. Here it gets a little confusing. At first God told Balaam not to go back with the princes. Then, after Balaam slept on it, God told him it won’t do any good, but to go back with them anyway. But then after telling him to go, God got mad that he went and sent an angel to stop him. That’s Jehovah for you. With him you can never win.
The angel stood in Balaam’s way. However, the angel was invisible to Balaam but not to his donkey. The ass tried to go around the angel but the angel kept blocking his way. Balaam got mad and beats his ass. The ass talked and told Balaam, “Why are you beating me? Haven’t I always obeyed you?” I’ve heard of people talking out of their ass but not having their ass talk to them.
Then the angel became visible and said, “Why are you beating your ass? I stopped you because you weren’t supposed to go to Balak.” Maybe the angel didn’t get the last change of orders from God.
Balaam bowed down and said, “My bad. I’m sorry. I have sinned and I will go back.”
But the angel replied, “No, that’s OK, God was just playing with you. You can continue but tell Balak what God told you to tell him.” Poor Balaam. By now he didn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.
When Balaam met Balak and was welcomed by him, the wizard told the king, “I’ve come like you wanted but I can only tell you what Jehovah told me to say.” Balak gave him some oxen and sheep, and he also gave oxen and sheep to the princes who came with him. Animals were used in the place of money those days. I am glad we have credit cards now as I would hate having to bring a cow into WalMart with me when I shop.
Then Balak took Balaam to the top of the mountain to see all of the Israelites.
(Ch 23) Balaam told the king to build seven altars and sacrifice seven oxen and seven rams. Then he said “Now, I’ll ask their god what to say.” After a little meditation he said, “Sorry, even with seven oxen and seven rams, Jehovah still won’t change his mind. He is going to help the Israelites wipe most of you Moabites off the face of the earth.
Their God brought them out of Egypt with the strength of a unicorn." The word "unicorn" means "one horn" and archeologist have found drawings of an animal with one horn in Babylon. They think it came from a wild ox that is now extinct and was pictured from the side so only one horn could be seen. During the middle ages, some con artists would sell the tusks from narwhals as a unicorn horn. It was believed that if you ground it up it would make you horny.
Balak wanted a second and third opinion, so they repeated the ritual on two other mountains with the same answer. What a waste of good meat. I’m glad we don’t have to burn animals today to get an answer from God. Maybe that’s why, except for George W. Bush and Pat Robertson, he doesn’t answer people much today. You can tell God is a war god even today as he told Bush to attack Iraq without provocation. At least we didn’t kill everyone, and we left most of the virgins alone.
(Ch 24) Balaam saw a vision from God and God told him all kinds of wonderful things about the Israelites; how they were blessed and how they were going to spread their seed all over the place. What I don’t understand is that if Jehovah is an exclusive Israelite god, why was Balaam communicating with him and even sacrificing to him when it wasn’t even his god?
King Balak lost his temper and told Balaam,”Get the hell out of my kingdom and go home. You were supposed to curse the Israelites but you gave them a blessing instead. Whose side are you on anyway?”
“OK, I’m going home but don’t say that I didn’t warn you what was going to happen to you.”
Then there is a part that says “. . . a star shall come out of Jacob and smite their enemies.” These verses were used to predict the coming of Jesus although it had to be twisted to fit. Especially, as far as I know, Jesus never smote anyone except a fig tree and some temple merchants.
(Ch 25, 26, 27) While the Israelites were wandering in the desert they weren't able to have fancy rituals. Many would worship the gods of their neighbors. Plus, it was the custom of that time to worship the gods of the area you were in.
You can skip the rest of these chapters. They deal with the listing of the leaders of the tribes and the rules for dividing up the land they were about to steal, I mean, liberate. It was divided up by throwing lots (dice). Moses was the only one remaining of the original adults who left Egypt. Joshua was made the commanding general of the army.
(Ch 28, 29) Just more rules for sacrifices, holidays and the legality of vows.
Smoked Virgins
(Ch 31) God spoke through Moses and said, “Go and avenge me by attacking the Midianites.” He doesn’t say why he needs avenging or why he couldn’t do it himself. They even killed Balaam who had prophesied on their side. You would think God would have been more grateful for his help. This time they killed everyone except the women and children. But that wasn’t enough for God. He sent a plague to punish the Israelites for not killing everyone except the virgins.
Moses lost his temper and yelled to the soldiers, “Why did you bring back all these women and children who worship the god Peor? Kill all the male children and any non-virgins. You can keep all the virgins for yourself.” Sometimes celibacy does have its benefits.
This is not in the book, but I imagine that Joshua called his captains together and told them, “Ok, men. We only want to keep the virgins so don't do any deflowering until we divie them up. Take all the old biddies and cut their throats. But, first have them dig a pit so we won't have all those rotting bodies around. Then take the male children and bash their heads against the rocks. I know it will be a tough job, but next you will have to check out anyone left who claims to be a virgin. But be careful – we don't want any damaged virgins on our hands.”
The rest of the chapter has to do with purifying and dividing up all the booty. God’s share was half. I don’t know what he was going to do with his share, especially the virgins. Maybe he liked smoked virgins.
(Ch 32) The tribes of Reuben and Gad wanted to stay on the land taken from the Amorites. They said the land was perfect for their cattle. They, and half of the tribe of Mannaseh, said they would go into Canaan and fight, but when the land was conquered, they did not take a share but returned across the Jordan River.
A point of interest is that the OT says that there were twelve tribes of Israel, but at one time there were 13 because Joseph’s two sons each had a tribe. However, one of the tribes would eventually disappear to make it twelve again.
(Ch 33 thru 36) Just a recap of everything that happened since they left Egypt, every stop made and instructions on dividing the land.
The Book of Deuteronomy, which means “second law,” was supposedly discovered in the Temple in 620 BCE by a Yahweh priest during the reign of King Josiah of Judah. Scholars think it was the first book in the Bible to remain mostly in its original form. Before that time, Yahveh was just one of many gods the Israelite tribes worshiped. The book was presented to the new, young, impressionable king to get him to make Yahweh their only god. It worked and Yahweh became the official god of Judah after the king killed off all the other priests and destroyed their idols. It’s a very boring book.
Deuteronomy means duplicate and everything until Chapter 31 is a rehash of what was written before. The scribes who put this book together included so much garbage that I imagine if they had found an old grocery list, they would have published it also. Again, this was lousy editing on God’s part. Think of how many trees had to give up their lives over the years for all the wasted pages that were duplicated or irrelevant.
Moses Corrects an Error
(Ch 5) If you remember, there was a conflict with the two different Ten Commandments. To solve the confusion, Moses reissues them but this time he gets them correct.
(Ch 18) Have you ever wondered how to tell a prophet from a false prophet? Wonder no longer. If a prophecy did not come true, then the prophet who made the prophecy was false and must die. In this way most of the prophecies recorded in the Bible came true. God would make a good politician.
Moses Dies; Joshua Takes Over
(Ch 31) Moses reported to his people, “I am 120 years old and getting weaker. God has told me that I am not to cross the Jordan and see the Promised Land because I forgot to give him credit for some of the water I got for you in the desert. But don’t worry. God will go over before you and destroy all the nations there. When you take over, don’t forget what I told you to do with the people there.” He told Joshua that he was to take over as the dictator of the theocracy.
God told Moses, “You are going to sleep with your ancestors. I know after you are gone, the people will go a-whoring after the gods of the people still in the land. They will forget the deal I made with them. And as usual, I will lose my temper and abandon them. I want you to write everything down and teach it to the children.”
God condinued, “I composed a song for them to sing to remember me, although I know already they won’t and that they will double-cross me even before I give them the Promised Land. But I like to pretend that they won’t.” Why did God continue if he knew what was going to happen? Moses had the book of laws placed in the Ark. That wouldn't do any good as those who touched the Ark would die.
(Ch 32) Moses then gave the people a long speech, after which God told him to go up to the top of the mountain and die. What was he supposed to do – commit suicide? A climb up a mountain would kill anyone his age.
“Moses,” said God, “Because you didn’t obey me when you made water before I told you could, you can only take a peek at the land from the top of the mountain, but you can’t set foot in it. Don’t forget to die after you look.”
(Ch 33 & 34) A long recap of events ending with the Israelites mourning for 30 days.
Eventually the Simeon tribe is absorbed into Judah and Reuben is absorbed into the Moabites. But they are still named as part of the original twelve. So the famous twelve tribes of Israel is another fallacy.
Chapter One had Joshua in charge and now that Moses was dead, the Lord told Joshua, “OK, you’ve had your mourning period. Now it’s time to kick some Canaanite butt take over all the land I promised you and kill everyone on it. With my help, no one will be able to stand against you.”
Joshua told the people, “Let’s get ready to rumble in three days. Anyone who doesn’t obey me will be executed.” Well, no one said it was a democracy.
The people responded, “Well if you put it that way, we will obey you just like we did Moses.” If you remember, they didn’t always obey Moses.
Two Spies in a Whore's House
(Ch 2) Before going to war, Joshua sent out two spies to gather intelligence for the army. They ended up in a whore’s house. What kind of intelligence did they think they would find in a whorehouse? You know soldiers when they are on leave. Actually, whores make good spies.
The mayor of the town found out about them and sent his police to arrest them. When they got there, Rahab, the madam, told the police, “What took you so long? You just missed them. They left right before the town gate was closed for the night. If you hurry, you might be able to catch them.” She had hidden the spies on the roof in a pile of flax.
She told them, “Everyone in town is afraid of you because we heard all the things your god has done for you. I did you a favor, now you do me one. Promise me you won’t kill my father’s family.” Now that’s a real cunning whore.
“Deal!” they replied. “If you promise not to tell on us, when we attack, bring your family to your house and everyone in your house will be spared. Just hang this red rope out this window where we will escape.” Military scholars think that Israelite commandos might have used the rope to sneak into the city while the residents of the city were out front watching the spectacle the Israelites were putting on for just that reason. When the two spies returned and reported to Joshua, he agreed to the deal.
Crossing Over Jordan
(Ch 3) The morning of the third day saw the Israelites moving to the banks of the Jordan River, where they made camp. Joshua told the people, “The Ark will go first ahead of you. The river is flooding now, but don’t worry. As soon as the foot of the priest carrying the Ark touches the water, God will make the river part. As long as the Ark is in the center of the river, you can cross.” Guess he was new at it. All Moses had to do was raise his staff to part the water, and he had a lot more water to part.
(Ch 4) God told Joshua, “Pick one man from each of the tribes. While the Ark is still in the middle of the river, have each man take a rock from the middle of the river and place it on the other side where we will camp. This will be a monument to show the spot for future generations where we crossed.”
The Bible said Joshua set up the stones in Gilgal as a reminder of the crossing. It didn’t say anything about a river. If the river was located in Gilgal, it doesn’t say. To make matters more confusing, it also said that Joshua set up the stones in the middle of the river where the priests stood with the Ark. I wonder where those damn rocks are located today.
(Ch 5) When the leaders of the Amorites heard that God had parted the waters of the Jordan, their spirits dropped. God told Joshua to have everyone sharpen their knives and to get circumcised before the battle. Can you imagine today if a general were to have all his troops cut off the tips of their penises just before going into battle? A penis doesn’t just heal overnight unless they have some help from God.
It seems that everyone of the original party who came out of Egypt had been circumcised, However, the ones who were born along the way were not.
When I was in the Army in Korea, a friend of mine split his prepuce when he was in “action” for the first time. The Army medics had to circumcise him. He could tell you that it doesn’t heal overnight and it was not something you would want to do just before going into battle. We entertained him by telling him dirty jokes while he was healing.
Joshua named the place “Gilgal” and they celebrated their first Passover in the Promised Land. Now I understand. The rocks were put in Gilgal.
Joshua Fought the Battle of Jericho
(Ch 6) God was really directing the war through Joshua. This was a real hands-on god. He told Joshua, “I want you to have the priests with the Ark circle the walls of Jericho once each day for six days. On the seventh, I want them to circle the city seven times and then blow their trumpets while the rest of you shout. The walls will then fall.” God must have made an exception to the Sabbath rule.
Actually, magic or no magic, this was a smart move on God’s part. By circling the walls seven times, the people inside, who were already frightened, became even more psyched out. When the priests blew their horns and the army shouted, it made a cover for the part of the army in the rear scaling the walls, climbing the red rope or maybe tunneling under them.
When the book said the walls fell, it meant it in the military sense that the walls were breached without having even fired a shot – I mean shoot an arrow. No matter what the Christians say, archaeologists have never found any evidence that the walls literally fell.
Then God said, “I have dibs on all the metals, including all the gold, silver, brass and iron. It all goes into my Temple treasury.” And who do you think had control of the Temple treasury? Politics never changes.
They didn’t worry about collateral damage in those days. Actually there never was collateral damage as God ordered everyone killed. Every living thing except Rehab and her family were killed, including men, women, children and even animals. Nothing was left alive, not even the virgins this time. What a waste of virgins. They must have had a glut of virgins. Then the whole city was burnt to the ground
Joshua put a curse on anyone who might try to rebuild the city. The curse wasn’t very effective as Jericho has been rebuilt many times and still stands in modern Israel.
(Ch 7) But things did not always go smoothly, even with God’s help, or maybe because of it. Joshua sent a smaller raiding party to take the small town of Ai. It should have been a slam dunk, but the soldiers of Ai chased the Israelites and smote 36 of them. So Joshua tore his clothes and asked God, “What the hell happened here? I thought you had the game fixed.”
“Someone has broken my commandment. I told you that no one was supposed to take anything. Someone has taken something. You will have to find him and burn him and his entire household.” So God torpedoed a whole military operation and had 36 soldiers killed just because one soldier grabbing a souvenir. It should have been expected – all solders take souvenirs after a battle. It’s human nature. God wouldn’t even tell Joshua who the soldier was. I think Joshua made up the whole thing just to justify losing the battle and to get everyone psyched up to go at it again.
Joshua searched everyone, and sure enough, he found some gold and silver under one of the tents. He took the owner of the tent, his wife, children, cattle, slaves, with all his possession and had them stoned to death and covered with rocks. He took a chance by not having them burned as God told him.
(Ch 8) God gave a new set of orders to Joshua. He told him, “This time take your whole army and we’ll ambush Ai. First send out part of your army and hide them in the woods. Then with the rest of the army, approach the front. Send a smaller raiding party, like before, the gate. The victims will send out all their troops to attack you thinking they will win like before.
“But this time, you will fall back so they will chase you. After they are a ways from the city, the troops who are hiding will attack the undefended city and set it on fire. When their troops see the flames they will turn around to protect their city. You will then hit them with all you’ve got. This time kill all the people, but you can keep the cattle.” Again, no virgins were kept.
Everything went as planned. They killed everyone by the sword, except som cows and the ruler who they hanged.
(Ch 9) The leaders of the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and the Jebusites heard what was going on and that they were next in line to be slaughtered. They got together to find a way to save their lives. You really couldn’t really blame them.
Joshua was Conned
But the citizens of Gibeon were smarter. They sent a delegation to Joshua to make a treaty of peace. They made it look like they had traveled a long distance and were not part of the land the Israelites were going to conquer. So Joshua made a peace treaty by swearing an oath not to kill them.
I wonder if they were still swearing on their testicles. Joshua failed to ask God first. When Joshua found out that they were neighbors, and because he had sworn an oath to God, he reluctantly let them live. However, he made them all slaves. The leaders said, “We’re OK with that – better slave than dead. We have heard how great your god is and we are just happy that we can still live.”
The Allies Against the Israelites
(Ch 10) The ruler of Jerusalem heard what happened to the cities; how Joshua destroyed them and that he had made a treaty with the Gibeonites. He knew that the Gibeonites were a strong tribe and he did not want them to fight on the side of the Israelites, so he joined with four other city-states to attack Gibeon.
But God “discomforted” them (whatever that means) and the Israelites routed and chased their troops. The five rulers hid in a cave where the Israelite army found them. So they rolled a stone over the entrance to hold them while they continued pursuing their armies. Anyone who didn’t escape into their walled cities was slaughtered.
This slaughtering took a long time. Supposedly, God made the sun stop in the middle of the day so they would have time to complete the job. I don’t have to tell you what would have happened to the whole solar system if this had been possible. And of course no one else in the world noticed this. I’m sure someone would have written down a miracle like this.
A preacher once told me what really happened was that God made everyone think the sun stood still and they just killed faster. Maybe they had just snorted some coke or crystal and were wired.
When they had the time, the Israelites went back to the cave and hanged the five kings.
The Israelite army then went on and destroyed seven cities with all the people in them. Jerusalem escaped this time as it wasn’t mentioned as one of the cities although the king of Jerusalem was the instigator. Actually, he was only the mayor. Later the Bible mentioned that the Jebusites continued to live in Jerusalem, so it appears that God wasn’t able to break their walls.
(Ch 11 & 12) A list of all the cities the Israelites destroyed over a period of time. Archaeologists don’t think that the Israelites conquered the inhabitants all at one time, but did it over a long time as they grew stronger and larger and needed more land.
Subdividing the land
(Ch 13 thru 24) This chapter deals with dividing up all the land among the tribes, except for the tribe of Levi, who were the priests. However, a few cities were not conquered. It didn’t give the reason, but I imagine that there was some sin involved. They always blame things on some obscure sin. Later God said that the reason the cities stood was because it was his punishment to the Israelites for not conquering them. Failure was its own punishment.
The land of Canaan was not just for Jacobs' sons. One of the spies Moses sent out was Caleb the Kenezite. The Keneites were descended from Esau and so he was an Edomite. Esau's descendants were all supposed to serve the Israelites.
Joshua, who by then was 110, died and was buried.
We have finished the saga of the beginning of the founding of the Jewish culture. We can’t call it a country because not all Jews live in Israel. They aren’t a race because most of them are related to the other Semitic tribes in the area. It's not a religion because they aren’t even all religious. The only thing that makes them unique is their monotheistic history, circumcision and the fact that they kept records better than their neighbors. And I have a Jewish friend who isn't even circumcised.
These records are the basis of three major religions, all of them very patriarchal, all very violent and two monotheistic. I don’t consider Christianity monotheistic as there are sub-gods just like in the Greek’s ancient religion.
We will resume our tale where the Israelites were settling into their new homes. However, the conquest was not yet complete. It is still not complete. Despite all the help from the deity, there were many cities and tribes who they were not able to conquer. The reason? God said he did not help the Hebrews conqueror the other tribes because they had disobeyed him by not conquering all of them. They could not win for losing.
(Ch 1 ) The tribe of Judah asked the tribe of Simeon to help it conquer more territory from the Canaanites. This they did. One of the kings, Adonibezek, was caught and instead of the usual death sentence, his thumbs and big toe were cut off. This must have been the custom in the area. Adonibezek said that he did the same to 70 other chiefs he had captured. He died in Jerusalem which is strange because the city hadn’t been conquered yet.
Next, Judea took Jerusalem and set it on fire. What did they do – just dump Adonibezek there where he bled to death? One thing I don’t understand is the Bible said the Israelites never took Jerusalem until King David’s time. As usual, God couldn’t get his story straight. Or maybe they conquered it but later lost it.
The rest of the chapter is about the tribes the Israelites conquered and other tribes they didn’t. One of the tribes they were never able to defeat had chariots made of iron, probably the real reason they weren’t conquered. This was the start of the Iron Age and iron topped brass any day in those times. God was just backward in the knowledge of technology to get his people equipped for modern warfare.
This chapter also said the tribe of Benjamin could not drive out the Jebusites from Jerusalem, so they lived together. If you can’t lick `em, join `em. This conflicted with the beginning of the chapter where they conquered and set the city on fire.
Here Come de Judges
(Ch 2) The only thing new here is that God appointed judges to rule. However, Israel was a very loose confederation. When the people followed the judges and worshiped Jehovah, everything was hunky dory. When they worshiped other gods, bad things happened. Or so they rationalized.
(Ch 3) After all the bravado about conquering the territory and wiping out all the people, this chapter starts out by listing the tribes they were not able to wipe out. And not only did the Israelites intermarry with them, they also worshiped their gods, especially Baal.
The word Baal was not for just one god but was used for all gods at the time including Jehovah, or meant "Lord." Later, the Jews used the word “Adonai” for Lord and Baal became a dirty word for devil.
Othniel
God got mad and sold the Israelites to the Mesopotamians. I wonder how much he got for them. The Israelites cried to Jehovah and he gave them Othniel as judge. This is the “O” in “OJ,” a famous football player and accused murderer in recent history. Funny how he should be named after a judge.
Othniel freed them from the Mesopotamians and everything was fine for 40 years. This was another use of the magic number 40. Didn’t they have any numbers other than 7, twelve and 40? The Hebrews engaged in evil activities and the Moabites controlled them for 18 years.
Othniel led the Israelites to slaughter 10,000 of the Moabite army. Then everything went along OK for another 80 years. The fact was mentioned that his son killed 600 Philistines with a cattle prod. That must have been one mean cattle prod.
Ehud
The judge Ehud saved the Hebrews from the Moabites. There is an interesting story about how Ehud did this. He was a southpaw and hid his dagger in his right leg. He then told King Eglon of the Moabites that he had a secret to tell him from God and had him send everyone from the room. When he came up to tell the fat king the secret, he stabbed him in the stomach and escaped out the back window. That’s a painful way to die because one doesn’t die right away from a stomach wound.
Deborah
(Ch 4) After Ehud died, they all started sinning so God sold them to the Canaanites, actually a coalition of tribes. The captain of the Canaanite army was Sisera. Like usual, they cried to God, repented and he gave them their first female judge, Deborah.
She asked somebody named Barak to gather 10,000 soldiers. She told him, “God is going to lure out Sisera’s troops and I want you to smite them.” Barak replied, “I will go but you have to come with me.” So they attacked the Canaanite army and wiped them out.
But Sisera escaped on foot and went to the tent of Jeal, a Kenite woman. If you remember, the Kenites were the tribe of Moses’ father-in-law and there was peace between them and the Israelites. Jeal hid Sisera under a blanket and after he was asleep, she drove a tent peg through his temple. Such a nice story for little kids at Sunday school and we worry about them finding out about sex.
(Ch 5) Here we have just a song or poem of them gloating over their victory over the Canaanites.
(Ch 6) Well . . . back to more of the same. They sinned again and this time it was the Midianites who conquered them. It was a good thing the Midianite and Moabite gods were more humane and not like the Israelites who killed those they conquered. If they used the same practices as the Israelites, this would be the end of the story and who knows what gods we would be worshiping today.
Most of the Israelites went to the mountains and lived in caves. However, the Midianites and the Amalekites raided them and took their crops and animals, leaving them hungry and impoverished. As usual, they asked Jehovah for his help.
Gideon
At first God gave them a real chewing out and then he sent down an angel to appoint Gideon as the next judge. Wasn’t there another judge named Gideon? Maybe this part was out of order again.
The angels must have looked just like humans because Gideon wanted proof they were real angels. Anyone can put on some fake wings. So the angel told Gideon to put some meat cakes and broth on a rock. Then, an angel touched the rock with his staff and the food burst into flames. Was that the best trick an angel could do?
God must have been somewhere nearby as sometimes it was the angel speaking and other times it was God. Or maybe God was disguised as a common angel. God told Gideon, “Steal one of your father’s bullocks. Then in the middle of the night, with 10 of your slaves, tear down the idol of Baal that your father Joash built. Next cut down the groves of trees around it for firewood and sacrifice his bullock on the altar. That should really tick off those idol worshipers.” Groves of trees had some religious significance in those days.
When the people of the town found out about the sacrilege, they told Joash to send out his son so they could kill him. Gideon told them, “If Baal be a god, let him put me to death.” His appeal must have worked as they let him go.
The Midianites and the Amalekites camped below in the valley for another raid. Gideon sent messengers to gather troops from three of the nearby tribes. But Gideon still wasn’t sure that God was the real thing, so he asked for another test. God killed people for asking for less. Gideon put a sheep’s skin on the floor and told God, “If you are going to help me save Israel, tomorrow morning to show me a sign. If the fleece is wet with dew and the earth around it dry, I will believe.” And that is what happened.
Then he said, “God, please don’t get your tits in an uproar but I have to be sure about something as important as this. This time, make the fleece dry and the ground wet.” And again it happened. With the enemy all around ready to attack, you would think he would come up with a test that would work faster. He was lucky that the enemy wasn’t in a hurry to attack. This sounds like a fairy tale some mother told her child which got added to the book.
(Ch 7) Gideon assembled his troops, and God told him, “You have too many soldiers in your army. If you use all of them, people will think that you conquered them without my help. We have to do some weeding out.” God’s image was very important to him.
So Gideon announced to his troops, “If any of you are afraid of getting stabbed, you can go home. I want an all-volunteer army.” That still left 10 thousand out of 22 thousand. That was a lot of soldiers for three small tribes.
God told Gideon again,” There are still too many. Tell you what. Take them down to the river and have them drink. The ones who lap like a dog, you can keep. The ones who kneel, you can send home.” That left only 300 to fight. Only three percent of the candidates were lappers. Nowadays we have canteens.
That night, Gideon crept behind the lines of the Midianites and the Amalekites and listened to two of the enemy soldiers talking. “I dreamed that a loaf of bread tumbled into our camp and knocked down a tent. I wonder what that means.” In those days people believed that dreams could tell the future – some still do today.
The other soldier replied, “It has to mean that the god of Gideon, the son of Joash, is going to deliver us into the hands of the Israelites.” Now how would a foreign soldier know that Joash was the father of Gideon? He was either psychic or Gideon just made up the whole thing to psych up his troops into a fighting mood. With only 300, I can see why.
Gideon went back to his raiding party and issued them each a trumpet and a clay pitcher with a lit candle inside. He must have had a good quartermaster. Gideon had them creep up behind the enemy lines. When Gideon blew his trumpet, all of them grabbed their candles out of the clay pots and broke them while blowing on their horns.
This scared the bejusus out of the Midianites and they took off like bats out of Hell, if they had a Hell in those days. Gideon called the rest of his army and they chased the Midianites, killing a bunch of them, including two princes they decapitated.
(Ch 8) The men of the Ephraim tribe were really angry. “Why didn’t you call us? We wanted to kick some Midianite butt too.”
Gideon replied, “Why are you on my back? After all, you guys got to kill those two princes. You had all that fun chopping their heads off, didn’t you?” I thought Gideon’s army had already decapitated them.
Gideon and his 300 storm troopers headed off to try to catch the two kings who were trying to escape. When they got to the Succoth tribe, he asked for some food for his men. One of their princes replied, “Ask us after you have captured those two kings.”
This was not the answer Gideon wanted, and he told them, “After we get back with those two bastards, I’m going to rip your heads off.”
When he arrived at Peniel, they also turned down his request. Gideon and his troops must have really been hungry by then, so Gideon told the elders of Peniel, “You see that tower over there? I don’t have time now, but when I get back I’m going to tear it down.” With that, he took off after the two kings.
The two kings had only 15,000 left out of 135,000 and Gideon and his men “discomforted” them. With only 300 men, discomforting thousands was pretty good, but he did get his two kings. He took them to Succoth and showed them to their king. OK! That’s enough of this “king” business. I’m going to call a spade a spade. They were only tribal chiefs.
“Now that the chiefs are in our hands, are you going to feed my troops?” I don’t know if they did, but Gideon took the elders of the tribe out into the desert and punished them with thorns and briars. After that, he tore down the tower of Peniel and killed all the men. The guys punished with the thorns got off lucky.
Then he dealt with the two chiefs and told them, “If you had not killed my brothers, I would have let your live” (I doubt if that was true). He told his eldest son, “It’s time you became a man, boy. Kill those son-of-bitches.” I guess he wanted to teach his son the trade. But his son was too young and so Gideon had to do the job himself.
Later, a delegation of the leaders of the Israelite tribes asked Gideon, “How about being our king and your sons after you?”
Gideon answered, “No way, Jose! All I want is the gold rings off all the guys we killed.”
Now this next part is strange. With all God did for him, Gideon melted the rings down and made an idol out of them and all the people worshiped it. He was still a heathen inside.
He sired 70 sons and of course the daughters weren’t important enough to count. The son of one of his concubines was named “Abimelech.” We will hear more about him in the next chapter.
After 40 years of peace, Gideon died at a ripe old age. No sooner was he put into the ground, than the people went and worshiped Baal. Well, duh! He did make an idol for them. If Jehovah was a bit more reasonable as a god, maybe the people wouldn’t keep switching back and forth. Baal must have had something going for him; he just wasn’t strong enough as a god to help the Israelites when they needed a war god. He or she probably was just a fertility god who was more important in times of peace.
Abimelech
(Ch 9) Abimelech, I’ll call him Abim for short, went to visit his mother’s relatives at Shechem and told them, “Wouldn’t it be better if I were your chief rather than all the other sons of Gideon?” They all agreed and gave Abim enough money from the Temple of Baal so he could hire mercenaries.
Abim and his hired thugs went to Gideon’s house and killed 69 of his 70 sons as Jotham escaped. Jotham went to the top of a nearby hill and shouted down to Abim a parable,
“The trees asked the olive tree to be their king. The olive tree replied ‘Why should I stop making fruit to be your leader?’ Then the trees asked the fig tree to be king and it replied the same way. Then he asked the grape and the grape vine said, ‘Why should I stop making wine to be king?’ Finally he asked the bramble bush and it agreed to be king.”
Then Jotham gave them the finger and said, “My father fought for you and freed you from the Midianites and you murdered his sons. Let fire from Abimelech destroy you all and may fire from you destroy him.” And then he ran away.
To make a long story short, Abim and the Shechemites had a falling out. The Shechemites fought with Abim’s troops and lost. Abim chased some of them into a tower and set it on fire, killing them . Then he chased the rest of them into another tower (I thought he had already killed them all). While he was trying to set it on fire, a woman dropped a rock on his head, mortally wounding him. It didn’t take much for a mortal wound in those days without medics.
He didn’t want the shame of having a woman responsible for killing him so he asked one of his soldiers to kill him. After he died, everyone went back home. God got credit for avenging Abim’s crime but, if he could do that, why couldn’t he prevent it in the first place?
(Ch 10) Judges and prophets came and went. The children of Israel did good and bad. God killed Israelites and then he was responsible for killing their enemies. If they had killed everyone in the first place like they were supposed to they wouldn’t have to keep killing and be killed.
Human Sacrifices
(Ch 11) Here is an interesting story that the priests, the pastors and the rabbis won't tell you. Jephthah was the son of a whore from Gilead, but he was a brave and resourceful fighter. Because of his parentage, he was thrown out of the tribe. He had a number of other misfits with him. They probably were a band of mercenaries, bandits or both. They were like pirates. They could be good or bad depending on whose side they fought.
When the Ammonites were attacking the Israelites, the elders went as a delegation to Jephthah and asked him to be their captain. When it said Israel in the book of Judges, it probably meant one or two tribes. The tribes of Israel were strung out over a large area and there was no central authority.
Jep asked them, ”Why should I fight for you when you threw me out of my father’s house?” The elders pleaded with him for his help and he replied, “If I help you and save your asses from the Ammonites, you will have to make me your leader.” They all agreed.
Jep sent a messenger to the chief of the Ammonites and asked him, “Why have you come to fight us in our own land?”
The chief replied, “Your people stole our land in the first place.”
“What do you mean, ‘stole’? We didn’t steal any land. Our god gave it to us,” Jep replied. “If you want some land, let your god Chemosh give you some.”
So Jep got his boys ready for battle. He first vowed to God that he would sacrifice the first thing that came out of the door of his house to meet him when he returned from battle. Maybe he thought his dog would meet him. I think you can tell from this sentence that human sacrifices to Jehovah were not unknown in those days. I’m surprised the scribes let this part stay in the scriptures. I wish I could have read the originals before they were changed to become so “politically correct.”
When Jep returned victorious, his only child, his daughter, came out dancing with cymbals to welcome him back. He ripped his clothes up, but a deal to God is a deal you don't break. I guess Jehovah loved the smell of burnt virgins. So Jep told his daughter, “Sorry girl, but you know I don’t have a choice.”
“That’s OK Daddy. I know you have to keep your word to God. But first let me have two months to be with my friends to lament my virginity.” When she got back, Jep fulfilled his vow to God and God got his burnt virgin.
This was nothing new in that part of the world at that time. It was just a custom. In a crucial battle, a chief would sacrifice his most valuable possession to his god for victory. As children were valuable possessions, it was often his eldest son. It wasn’t always so good being the heir apparent.
Maybe Bush II should have sacrificed one of his daughters so we could have won the war in Iraq. Trouble was they probably weren’t virgins.
A Tribal Spat
(Ch 12) The men of Ephraim came to Jep and asked him, “Why didn’t you invite us to the rumble with the Ammonites? Just for ignoring us like that, we are going to burn your house down.”
This didn’t set well with Jep and he replied, “We were at war with the Ammonites and when I called you, you never came. I can’t help it if you don’t check your messages. So why are you coming to fight me?”
Jep and the men of Gilead fought and smote the men of Ephraim. This sounds like the gang wars we have today. They chased them across the Jordan River and took control of the only ford.
If someone wanted to cross the ford, he was asked to pronounce the word “shibboleth.” An Ephraimite could not pronounce it correctly and if he tried to cross, he would be killed. The trouble with this story was that the Jordan River was and is so narrow and shallow no one needed a ford to get across.
The balance of the chapter is just a bunch of other judges that come and go.
Samson and Delilah
(Ch 13) Now comes the famous Sunday school story of Samson and Delilah, the Israelite’s superman and his whore. I’m surprised that even a sanitized version is taught to impressionable kids. They are taught that illegal sex and mass murder are OK with God.
The story starts with the Israelites sinning again and being taken over by the Philistines who ruled over them. An angel appeared to a barren woman from the tribe of Dan. As I said before, it seemed that important people were either born from barren women or virgins.
The angel told her that she was going to have a son who would be a Nazarite (Hebrew monk). He/she said, “Your son will deliver the Israelites from the hands of the Philistines.” You will see later this never happened. “However, no razor should ever touch his head.”
The angel commanded the husband of the woman to burn a young goat on a rock. Then the angel jumped into the fire and was teleported back to Heaven. If something like that happened today, we would just think it was David Copperfield doing his schtick. Samson was born and grew up.
(Ch 14) It looks like God goofed again. Instead of freeing the Israelites from the Philistines and being celibate like he was supposed to, Samson tried to marry one of the Philistines and have his father fix it for him. His family wasn’t very happy about his marrying a Philistine girl, but Samson was adamant.
On his way to the wedding, Samson passed the body of a lion he had ripped apart earlier. Inside the dead lion, a hive of bees had made a home and honey was dripping out. That carcass would have been pretty ripe by then if bees had the time to make enough honey to have it dripping out. As a former beekeeper in my youth back in Kansas, I know that bees would never make a home in a rotten body. But don’t let me ruin a good story.
Samson bet 30 of the young male Philistine guests at the party. He bet them 30 suits of clothes that they couldn’t answer a riddle he made up. They must have been really drunk because they accepted the bet. You never want to bet a man at his own game. Samson told them the riddle was, “Out of the eater came meat, and out of the strong came sweetness.” He gave them three days to come up with the answer. They couldn’t so they had Samson’s new bride get the answer for them. They told Samson, “The answer is a dead lion with a bee hive inside.” That was really a stretch.
Samson told them. “You could never have come up with that answer unless you had fucked around with my wife.” He was a poor loser and killed all of them. So the moral of this story is: “Kids, if someone cheats you on the playground, it’s OK to kill them.” After this happened, her father gave the bride to Samson’s best man.
(Ch 15) A few days later, Samson went to visit his wife and his father-in-law told him, “I thought after you killed all the guests at the party that you didn’t want her any more. So I gave her to your best man. But don’t get your knickers in a snit. I have a younger daughter that you can have.”
Samson had a hair-trigger temper, and this really set him off. So he caught 300 foxes, tied torches to their tails, set them on fire, and sent them through the Philistines’ grain fields. How anyone could come up with 300 foxes and be able to handle them, I do not know. He would have had to have God’s help. I don’t see why God would get involved in such a petty thing like this, especially because Samson disobeyed God in the first place by getting married.
The Philistines did not like this and took out their revenge by burning his former wife and his father-in-law. “OK. I’ll get even with you one more time and then we are all even and I’ll stop,” Samson yelled. So he slaughtered a whole bunch of them and then he climbed up on a high rock.
The Philistines went to the elders of Judah and told them, “You either bring us Samson all tied up or we will mop the ground with all of you.”
So, 3,000 men of Judah went to talk to Samson. They told Samson how the Philistines had threatened them with annihilation if they didn’t comply. Sampson told them, “OK. I’ll go with you if you promise not to kill me yourselves. I’ll even let you tie me up.” One thing I forgot to tell you. Every time Samson does anything, the wording begins, “And the spirit of God came upon him.” This showed that God was directing this bloody farce.
Samson climbed down from the rock and went with them to be delivered to the Philistines. When he got there, he broke out of his ropes, grabbed a jawbone of a donkey and killed a thousand of them. With a jawbone, only one can be kill at a time, therefore it must have taken him a long time to kill all of them. They must have all lined up to be killed instead of just running away.
All this killing made Samson thirsty, so he picked up the jawbone again and water flowed out of it for him to drink. So that’s how he killed them. It was a magic jawbone. After that, he judged the Israelites for 20 years, but the Philistines stayed in power all this time, so God’s promise was not fulfilled.
(Ch 16) Samson was supposed to be a celibate Nazarite. But I guess it is like the Catholic priests – there were exceptions. The reason I bring this up is that in this chapter, this paragon of morality was spending the night with a whore. Did your Sunday school teacher tell you this? While he was having his fun, the Philistines gathered around to kill him. They never learn. He left in the middle of the night and took the town gate with him. At least he didn’t kill all of them this time.
Samson never learned, or maybe it was God’s will, because he met and fell in love with Delilah. The Philistines told her they would reward her if she found out the secret of his super powers. No, it wasn’t Kryptonite. She asked him, “Samson honey. You are so-o-o-o strong. What is the secret of your strength?”
Samson put her off by telling her that if he were tied with green vines, he would be helpless. So, after he fell asleep, she tied him up with green vines. Then she yelled, “The Philistines are coming, the Philistines are coming.” He jumped up and snapped off the vines.
“Honey, I was just testing you to see if you would tell me the truth. OK. You’ve had your fun, now tell me the real secret of your strength. If you really love me, you should trust me.” How many men have been undone by that statement?
This play continued for a few days. Next, she tied him up with new ropes, then a braid of her hair. Finally he got tired of it and told her the truth. You know the rest. After a hard night of love-making, he fell asleep and she cut his hair. The Philistines bound him and poked out his eyes. For being one of God’s judges, he wasn’t too bright.
The Philistines put him to work in the mill grinding flour like an ox. However, his hair eventually grew back and so did his strength.
One day, the Philistines were having a big celebration with a sacrifice to their tribal god, Dagon. They thanked Dagon for letting them catch Samson. One of the Philistines said, “Let’s have some fun with Samson. Bring him out.”
As Samson was being led out, he asked his guard, “Let me feel the pillars so I know where I am.” He prayed to Jehovah, “God, give me strength. Let me pull these pillars down and kill as many of those bastards as I can. And let me die also.”
He did and you know the rest.
Who Stole my Gods?
(Ch 17) Now for a new story. As in the previous one, there is no moral to be learned. Earlier you learned that God accepted human sacrifices. In this chapter, you will learn that Jehovah was also represented by an idol. Was nothing sacred anymore?
The story starts out with a guy named Micah from the tribe of Ephraim. He stole some silver from his mother. His mother threw a fit so he returned it to her. She was so happy that she had two idols made for him from the silver and dedicated it to God. It didn’t say “a god;” it said “God.” It must be OK as she wasn’t struck dead. Micah made an ephod and a teraphim and had his son made a priest, although he wasn’t a Levite. Don’t ask me what an ephod and a teraphim were. Even the Jews today don’t know what they were. Somehow they were used to communicate with God by using lots – sort of like flipping a coin. “Should we go into battle today or not?”
In those days there was no leadership so everyone did his own thing. Later, a wandering Levite came by and Micah hired him as his private priest.
(Ch 18) The tribe of Dan never received all the land they were promised and were running out of space. They sent out a scouting party of five to look around for some land they could take. While Micah was out, they stopped by his place where they talked to his priest and saw his idols.
After they took off, they ran across a community of Zidonians who were peaceful and defenseless as they were away from the main body of Zidonians. Easy pickin’s, they thought, and they reported back to Dan HQ.
They returned with a party of 600 warriors to take the land from the Zidonians. The rule then was that possession was ten-tenths of the law. On their way, they stopped at Micah’s place where they stole his priest and his idols. I wonder what the penalty was for stealing a god? When Micah protested, the leader told him, “Watch your mouth, buddy, or you will lose a lot more than just a couple of gods.” I guess Micah had to make some new gods.
Then they wiped out the gentle Zidonians and lived happily ever after.
The Case of the Dead Concubine
(Ch 19) Now the stories get weirder and weirder and downright disgusting. It starts when a Levite guy’s concubine got homesick and ran away to her father. So the guy, his name was not important, followed to get her back. After all, women were possessions and had to stay with whom they were sold. He got on his ass and took off with his servant following. He reached his “father-in-law’s” house where he was welcomed and wined and dined for a few days.
He got a late start for home and arrived near Jerusalem with his concubine and servant just when it was starting to get dark. He decided he didn’t want to spend the night in Jerusalem because it was still owned by the Jebusites. So they stopped at the town of Gibeah which was owned by the tribe of Benjamin.
The Levite met a man who was a member of the tribe of Ephraim but lived in Gibeah. The Levite was invited to spend the night at the Ephraimite’s house. The two of them ate, drank and socialized. But then some Benjaminite ruffians pounded on the door and wanted the travelers to come out so they could fuck with them. I don’t know if it were literally like the story of Sodom or only figuratively.
The old man called out, “Hey, don’t do this wicked thing. This man is my guest. But I have a daughter and he has a concubine you can fuck with.” So they pushed the concubine out the door and locked it. The next morning when they woke up and opened the door, they found her on the step dead. One can only imagine what those Benjaminite hoodlums did to her.
The Levite took the body of his concubine home with him, cut her up in twelve pieces and sent them all over Israel. He must have had a piece left as I'm sure he didn't send one to the Benjaminites. He included a message describing what happened and asked “What do you want to do about it?” I wonder how he did that? They didn’t have refrigeration or United Parcel Service in those days. Without refrigeration, I imagine her parts would smell a bit before they got to their destinations.
(Ch 20) Every tribe of Israel gathered together and demanded that the Benjaminites hand over the men responsible for the outrage perpetrated on the Levi’s property. The Benjaminites refused and both sides got ready to battle. You know this had to be a fable as the tribes of Israel were not organized. Plus they would never get everyone together over a lowly female concubine.
They had a big battle and the Israelites did not do well, even though God said he was with them. They fought three battles with the Benjaminites and lost all three. The Benjaminites must have been very strong athough they were the smallest tribe. The Ark was with the main group and Phinehas, the grandson of Aaron, asked God, “What should we do?”
God answered, “Sorry about those other battles, but I was busy on Alpha Centurion setting up a new planet in case this one doesn’t make it. But I’m on it now. Don’t worry about the fact that the Benjaminites are your fellow countrymen. I’ll make sure you wipe them out this time. Civil wars make some of the bloodiest battles and you know how much I love blood. I really have a good plan for a future battle on a continent you never heard about. I’m going to have the north half fight the south half and they both will think I am on their side. Great fun!”
This time they killed most of the Benjaminites, burned all their cities and murdered all their women and children, including virgins. However, 600 of the men escaped into the wilderness with their lives but no wives.
(Ch 21) The rest of the tribes of Israel swore they would not give any of their daughters to the remaining Benjaminites. They sacrificed to God and asked him, “We killed all the Benjaminites’ wives and children, so now if they don’t get some new ones, the tribe will die out. We’ve got to keep an even twelve, so what can we do?” They should have thought of that before killing all the women and children who had nothing to do with the rape of the concubine.
The book didn’t say if God had an answer, so they asked each other, “Who do we know who didn’t participate in the slaughter? They found no one came to fight from the camp of Jabesh-gilead. So they sent a force to killed all the men and non-virgins. Women were lucky being a virgin but the problem was, one doesn’t stay a virgin very long. Thus they wiped out one of their own tribes to get virgins for another tribe that they almost wiped out. That left only about 400 virgins for the Benjaminites, but that wasn’t enough to repopulate them.
There was to be a big fiesta for God at Shiloh soon. “We got them 400 virgins, however, there are 700 men so we need 300 more, give or take a virgin.” At the festival, they allowed the 300 widowers to hide and kidnap virgins for themselves when they found them dancing. This should solve the problem – the Benjaminites could get their wives and no one breaks his oath to God by voluntarily giving them virgins. I wonder if stealing virgins was against the law?
I don’t know why they put this in the Bible. It’s just a story. It is as if Mohammad had put the story of Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves in the Koran. Believe it or not, no one gets murdered in Ruth and God is not even mentioned. Probably some scribe wrote it as a work of fiction in his spare time and later it was considered fact and got put into holy writ by accident.
I don’t even think that I will put it into this book. If you want to read the story, you can read it in the Bible. If you are a cultural anthropologist, you might want to read it just to get an idea of how the people lived in those days.
There is one thing of interest, and most Biblical scholars think that it was added to the original story. The addition said the baby Ruth had was an ancestor of King David which would make him an ancestor of Jesus. That is if you can get around the fact that Joseph was not involved in the conception of JC. And since Ruth was not an Israelite, David and JC were of mixed blood, although a very thin mixture.
This is the story about the prophet Samuel, after whom I was named. Actually I was named after my grandfather. Most of the famous men of the biblical era had mothers who were either barren or virgins. My mother was neither, but the renown Samuel’s was barren.
(Ch 1) It starts out with Samuel’s future mother, Hannah, praying to God to make her fertile. She felt bad as she was mocked by her husband’s other wife. Today, most women prefer to not be fertile and pay a lot of money to keep it that way. She prayed to God and exclaimed, “I’ll make you a deal, God. You make me pregnant and after he (it’s always a he) is taken off my tit, you can have him.”
Why go to all that trouble to get a son and then give him away? After Samuel was weaned, she gave him to Eli, the high priest, who raised him.
(Ch 2) Eli’s other sons were spoiled brats who ate the sacrificial meat the priests and their families were allowed. This wouldn’t have mattered except that they showed contempt for God, a.k.a. Jehovah, Yahweh, the big Kahuna, etc., and everyone who sacrificed to him. They even fornicated with women in front of the Temple. Eli was an overindulgent father and let them get away with it.
This did not sit well with God. “Because you can’t control your own sons, they will die without heirs and your priestly line will end. Even though Samuel wasn’t a Levite but an Ephraimite, I am going to make him the future high priest.”
God and Samuel Talk
(Ch 3) Samuel grew up helping Eli in the Temple. One night when they were both asleep, God called out to Samuel, “You-hoo, you-hoo, Samuel.”
Sam thought it was Eli calling and called out, “Eli, what do you want?”
Eli replied, “Nothing. Go back to sleep, damn it. You must be dreaming. That wasn’t me calling.” This happened three times. The third time, Eli replied back, “Stop bothering me. It’s probably just God wanting to talk to you. Next time he calls out, ask him what he wants.”
The fourth time he heard his name called, Sam answered, “I hear you, God. What do you want? Couldn't this wait until morning?”
God responded, “I’m going to do something to Israel that will make the ears of anyone who hears about it tingle. It will be against the house of Eli. I swore I would because his sons were disrespectful and he did nothing about it.” As usual, God punishes the whole country just because of one man and in this case, two.
I don’t understand why God would pick that time to wake up Sam just to give him a prophecy which had nothing to do with him and there was nothing he could do about it. I guess God wasn’t a clock watcher. So Sam grew up and everyone knew he would be a prophet.
Philistines Capture the Ark
(Ch 4) The Israelites and the Philistines were at it again. The Philistines were smiting the hell out of the Israelites, so the Israelites sent back to Shiloh for the magic Ark to save them. This occurred way before Jerusalem was captured and the Ark moved there. The Ark arrived with both of Eli’s sons. When the Philistine leaders saw the Ark, they thought, “Boy, are we in for it now. Those Israelites have a really tough god on their side. You boys had better do your best or we’ll be servants of the Hebrews instead of them being our servants.”
The pep talk worked. Despite the Ark, they slaughtered 30,000 Israelite footmen, killed Eli’s sons and stole the Ark. When the word got back to 98-year-old Eli, he fell over backwards in his chair and broke his neck. The pregnant wife of one of the brothers dropped a kid who lived but she died. I thought there were to be no descendants of Eli and his boys. Maybe he died later or maybe it was a girl baby as girls didn't count.
(Ch 5) The Philistines took the Ark to their city of Ashdod and placed it in the temple of their god, Dagon. It appears that the two gods didn’t get along well because the next day Dagon had been knocked off his pedestal. They put him back but the following day both his hands had been broken off. After that, the priests were too afraid to go back in. The Ark served the purpose of an idol with God living inside. You would think a god could have better living quarters than just a box.
Holy Hemorrhoids
You may find hard to believe the next thing God did, but it’s true. Or at least the Bible said it’s true. God gave all the Philistines hemorrhoids. That’s right – hemorrhoids. Maybe that's what God means when he “discomforts” people. Well, some translations say tumors but they were hemorrhoids. And in those days there wasn’t any Preparation H to heal them. It’s very difficult to sit on your ass with hemorrhoids. But at least God didn’t kill them all.
The people of Ashdod told their leaders “Get that damn thing out of here!” When the Ark was first built, anyone touching it died. Either the Philistines wore gloves or it had lost some of its power over the ages. This might explain why the Israelites lost the battle.
They carried the Ark to the town of Gath where it also gave the people hemorrhoids. After that, they took it to Ekron where the people cried, “Get that thing out of here! What are you trying to do – kill all of us?” Finally they decided to give it back to Israel.
(Ch 6) The Philistine generals called the priests and asked them, “How do we get rid of this damn thing without pissing off their god?” The priests replied, “When you send it back, you will have to include a sacrifice to placate their god. Make five gold copies of your hemorrhoids and five gold rats.” It wasn’t mentioned, but they must have also had an infestation of rats.
“Then build a cart and hitch two milk cows to it. Load it up with the Ark along with the gold hemorrhoids and rats and send it on its way. If it goes towards Bethshemesh, it means their god did this to us. If it goes the other way, it means this whole thing was just a coincidence.”
The cart went toward Bethshemesh to a field belonging to Joshua, a Bethshemite. The Bethshemites built a fire with the wood from the cart and sacrificed the two cows. But they were curious and had to take a peek inside the Ark. For this sacrilege, God killed 50,070 of them. Again, many suffered for the sins of the few.
The Israelites Fight Back
(Ch 7) The Levite priests took the Ark to the house of Abinadab where it stayed for 20 years. Then Samuel told all the Israelites, “God told me that if you put away your other gods and only worship him, he’ll get you out of this mess with the Philistines.” They all agreed and gathered together at Mizpeh.
Now here is a new one. They drew water out of a well and poured it on the ground as a sacrifice. I know water is valuable, but it’s a lot cheaper than burning up a cow. When the Philistines heard this, they massed their troops and got ready for battle.
Sam sacrificed a lamb and after which the Israelites massacred the Philistines. The Israelites reclaimed their cities and Sam became a circuit judge traveling around a circuit every year.
Saul is Made a King
(Ch 8) Sam was getting long in the tooth. The Israelites told him they wanted a real king like their neighbors. Sam warned them this was a bad idea, but they insisted.
(Ch 9) A prominent Benjaminite named Kish had a strong, handsome son named Saul. One day Kish lost a couple of his asses and sent Saul and a servant to find them. After looking everywhere, Saul sought a seer named Samuel to help them. Samuel sounds more like a shaman than a high priest but I guess they were pretty close to being the same. Later they were named prophets. It was all a matter of semantics.
Earlier, God told Sam he was going to send him a man to be the captain of the Israelites to overthrow the Philistines. Sam told Saul that the asses had already found their way home and asked him to stay for a while. I thought the Philistines had already been overthrown or maybe it didn't stick.
(Ch 10) Sam poured some oil on Saul’s head, telling him, “God said you are to be the leader of all Israel.”
Saul went on his way to Gilgal, but before he got there he went through some silly signs that God gave him that I’ll skip over. There he was told to wait until he was told what to do next.
Sam called the people together to a coronation at Mizpeh and told them all the great things Jehovah had done for them in the past. He berated them for wanting a king instead of a theocracy. But as they all insisted on a king, he introduced them to Saul. I think Sam picked a king from the smallest tribe instead of a big one so they wouldn’t fight over the kingship. Plus, I think he wanted to be the power behind the throne.
(Ch 11) One day, the Ammonites came to take over Jabesh-Gilead. Rather than put up a losing fight, the town elders agreed to let themselves be ruled by the Ammonites. But the Ammonite king/chief told them, “OK. We will let you live and serve us, but first, to make sure you don’t rise up against us, we will poke out everyone’s right eye.”
The elders couldn’t accept this and asked, “Please, your highness. Let us have seven days to see if we can find someone to save us.” Now, that was a strange request. It was like saying, “Please don’t poke out our eyes until we can try to find someone to attack you.”
Saul heard abut this and sent a message to all the tribes saying that if they didn’t send all their fighters, he was going to kill all their oxen. What a creative recruiting method. Israel gathered 300,000 and Judah only 30,000. In those days, the Hebrews were split into two groups, Israel and Judah. As Judah only had two tribes, and one of them was the tiny Benjaminites, they didn’t have many fighting men.
Saul told the elders of Jabesh-Gilead to tell the Ammonites, “We give up. We are at your mercy. Do with us what you will.” There wasn’t much mercy anywhere in those days. Saul mounted a surprise attack, killing most of the Ammonites and scattering the rest.
Some of Saul’s men were brown-nosers and said, “Where are those who didn’t want Saul as king? Bring them here and we will execute them.” That would be similar to executing all the Republicans who didn’t vote for Obama (some think that would be a good idea).
But Saul was compassionate and told them “We have done enough killing today. Let’s sacrifice to God.” And they did.
(Ch 12) Sam told everyone, “OK. I did what you asked. I made you a king. I am getting old but my sons are still with you. Now stand still while I tell you all the things that God has done for or to you.” Sam presented a short recount of their flight from Egypt and the judges who had been over them. “Now that God has given you a king, if you will follow God’s commandments and worship him, everything will be hunkie dorie.”
“But Lord help you if you don’t. You know that it is harvest time. Just to give you a sample of what God can do and to punish you for asking for a king instead of just having God as king, I’m going to ask God to send down rain and ruin your crops.” I bet that made Sam popular. If God didn’t want them to have a king, why did he give them one?
When was the last time you have found that prayers could alter the weather? Even Jerry Falwell couldn’t change the weather. We could use someone with Sam’s influence with God to stop global warming.
(Ch 13) We jump ahead 42 years into Saul’s reign. If Sam was an old man when he made Saul king, just think how old he must have been now. Saul’s son, Jonathan, took 3,000 men and wiped out a Philistine garrison. That was a dumb thing to do as it really enraged the Philistines – unless that’s what Saul wanted.
Saul formed all his troops together at Gilgal while the Philistines formed at Michmash. They vastly outnumbered the Hebrews with so many chariots and troops that they couldn’t be counted. At that point in their history, there were no symbols for numbers greater than a thousand, but somehow the authors of the OT writing much later came up with larger depictions.
This distressed the Hebrews so much that some hid in caves and others crossed the Jordan River into Gad. Saul was still in Gilgal waiting for Sam to come and get God on their side. Sam couldn’t move too fast because he was old. After waiting seven days, Saul was impatient and burnt a sacrifice by himself without a priest.
When Sam finally got there, he hit the ceiling, “Saul! What in blue blazes were you thinking of? You know that only a priest can make a sacrifice. You do the king thing and I do the God thing.”
“But Sam,” he replied, “I had no choice. You weren’t here and the battle was about to start. The troops were getting restless and I had to show them God was on our side.” I don’t know what the big deal was about sacrificing without a priest. There were a lot of other cases when people sacrificed without a priest. One even sacrificed his own daughter.
“I don’t care. There is no excuse for breaking God’s law. Your house will no longer have kings. Now I’ve got to go and anoint another king.” I think Sam thought that if Saul could give sacrifices, the people might learn to do without him. Sam left and Saul only had 600 men to fight with.
The Philistines did not allow the Israelites to have blacksmiths so they could not make swords and spears. All they had to fight with were farm tools and the only way to sharpen them was to take them to a Philistine blacksmith. Things were not looking good for the Israelites.
(Ch 14) But all was not lost yet. Jonathan and his arm-bearer went down to the Philistine garrison to check things out. But he didn’t tell his father. When he got there, he showed himself to them. A Philistine soldier yelled at him, “Come over here, Hebrew, and we will show you something.”
Jonathon slew 20 of them, and when God threw in an earthquake to top things off, the rest ran away. When Saul and the other Hebrews in the area saw that, they took off after the Philistines, taking all the stuff they left behind.
Saul told the priests to bring up the Ark and then the fighting really increased. Earlier, under penalty of death, Saul ordered that no one was to eat anything until night. However, Jonathan had not heard the order, and he stuck the end of his spear into a beehive and licked off the honey.
The people were very hungry. When the evening fell, they slaughtered some of the Philistines’ cattle and started to eat them raw with the blood – a big no-no with God. God must have been in a good mood as he had destroyed people for less than that. Saul said, “Each man bring the animal he wants to eat here to me. I will build an altar and you can butcher it here so it will be kosher and you won’t have to eat it with blood.”
Then Saul asked God, “Should I go down and finish off the rest of the Philistines?” No answer. God was giving him the silent treatment. So Saul asked all his people, “OK. God is not answering me. That means that someone sinned. Which one of you sinned?” That was very childish of the “creator” of the universe.
Because God wasn’t talking directly, the only way they could find out who sinned was to keep throwing lots until they found that Jonathan was the one who sinned by tasting the honey. Saul was going to have his own son killed when Jonathan didn’t even know he wasn’t supposed to eat. Ignorance of the law is no excuse.
Starting to eat the taboo blood was OK, but not tasting honey. Luckily for Jonathan he was saved when the troops overruled God and would not have Jonathan killed because he saved the day for them and for God. This was the only time I know when humans overruled God and lived to tell about it.
Saul solidified his kingdom and fought with the neighboring tribes whenever he needed to. In all the days that Saul was king, he was always at war with the Philistines. There was no word yet of what happened with Sam and the new king he was going to get.
Amalekites are Annihilated
(Ch 15) In recent history, we have had a number of attempted genocides – Armenians, Ukrainians, Croatians, African tribes, Australian aboriginals, North and South American indigenous people, and even the Jews. I don’t see why we condemn genocides. The Bible shows that God not only didn’t condemn genocides, he even promoted them.
God told Sam, “Do you remember when I led the Israelites out of Egypt and the Amalekites attacked them? Well, I’ve let them live long enough. I want you to tell Saul that I want him to wipe them off the face of the Earth. And when I say wipe, I mean men, women, children, babies, animals, slaves, and destroy everything they own. And if you find any cockroaches, stomp on them too.” OK, OK! So I added the bit about the cockroaches. Even Hitler didn’t go that far.
Saul did almost everything he was supposed to do. But first he told the Kenites to get out of the way because they had been nice to the Israelites and Moses’ wife came from that tribe. However, Saul didn’t do everything he was supposed to do. He took the king captive and kept some of the cattle.
When Sam found out and reproached Saul about it, Saul said, “It’s not my fault. The people made me do it. After all, the cattle didn’t have anything to do with the sins of the Amalekites. But I see now that I have sinned. Please ask God to forgive me.”
Sam replied, “Too late for that now. I’m going to anoint someone else to take your place.” The Amalekite king was brought out and Sam hacked him to pieces. I bet that was a bloody mess. That would be a good picture for a Sunday school lesson.
Kids are too coddled nowadays. Parents try to protect them from the real world. It wasn’t always like that. Many of the fairy tales we tell kids now were much more violent in the original versions. Actually it is not true that kids don’t know violence. Have you seen some of the TV shows cartoons and video games they play? Even I played war games and cowboys and Indians when I was a kid and a peace-loving Mennonite. Violence is in our DNA then and now.
David is Anointed
(Ch 16) God told Sam, “Stop your bitching about Saul. I guess I made a mistake about him.” Our all powerful God made a mistakes? “Get your oil out and I’m going to have you anoint someone else.”
“But God,” Sam complained. “If Saul finds about this, he will kill me.” Hello! Didn’t Sam already tell Saul not once but twice that he was going to do this?
“Don’t worry about it. Take a heifer with you and tell him that you are just going to make a sacrifice.” So Sam went to Bethlehem where he called the people together to sacrifice. He ordered Jesse to bring his sons and have them pass before him to see which one to anoint. You would think if God told him Jesse’s name, he could have told him David’s name too.
Samuel said, “Hmmmm. None of these are king material. Haven’t you got any more sons?”
“Well, someone had to stay back and watch the sheep. But I can have one of my other sons go back and spell him so he can come.”
“Bingo!” said Sam when he saw David. “He’s the one.” and with that, he poured the oil on David’s head. That must have really messed up his hair. But in the 1950s and 1960s, kids put a lot of oil on their hair too.
Saul and David Meet
Saul and David had to meet and there are two different versions of how this happened. Is that any way to write history? Just take your pick of which story, if any, you think is true.
In the first version, an evil spirit entered Saul. In today’s psychobabble, that means he was depressed. In those days, and some places even today, if people had mental problems, it was always an evil spirit or demon that possessed them. They used a priest instead of a shrink and a bottle of Prozac. Even today, the Catholic church sometimes has exorcisms. I saw one in Mexico performed by some American Protestant missionaries. I didn't think Protestant believed in exorcisms. You can read about it in my book, Tales from the Tijuana Jails.
Saul wanted some music to cheer him up and David was the closest thing to MP3 they had in those days. David played so well that Saul hired him on the spot.
David and Goliath
(Ch 17) The second version began with Saul and his army fighting the Philistines again. David’s brothers were among those fighting. They didn’t like the food in the mess hall, so Jesse sent David with some food for them. While he was there, he saw this giant, or at least a large, Philistine soldier named Goliath. He was challenging the Israelites to send their best soldier to fight him mano a mano; winner take all.
Young David told his brothers, “With God’s help, I can take that bozo.” Someone who heard his boast told Saul about it, and he decided to take David up on it. You know that this was fiction because no king in his right mind would rest the fate of his kingdom on the fighting skill of a teenage boy.
Although Saul offered David his armor, it was too heavy for him, so he faced Goliath with only his slingshot. Of course, his slingshot wasn’t one of those wimpy ones kids use nowadays. This was a professional model David used to kill lions which were bothering his sheep. With one of these puppies, all you had to do was to get past your opponent’s armor and he was toast.
Well, you all know the rest of the story. David killed Goliath with one shot, cut off his head, and the rest of the Philistines took off running. Yeah, really. An army that vastly outnumbered their opponents took off running when a boy knocked down one of their soldiers.
(Ch 18) David and Jonathan bonded so well that the Bible said they loved each other more than the love of women. They swore an oath of eternal friendship. I wonder if they grabbed each other's nuts when they swore? Whether or not they consummated their love, we will never know because, if they did, the Bible would never tell. But in those days, men, including Greeks and Romans, loved each other and the women were only good for cooking, sex and procreation. Some wives are still treated like this.
David was very popular with everyone – in those days soldiers took the place of rock stars. Despite his youth, he was made an officer and leader of the soldiers in Saul’s army. He must have been a formidable soldier because when he returned from battle, his groupies would sing, “Saul has killed his thousand, but David has killed his tens of thousands.” That’s pretty good for a teenager who wasn’t even big enough for armor. Fame came from how many men you killed, not how many gold records you had.
This made Saul jealous and he was afraid David might take over his kingship. Michal, Saul’s daughter, loved David, but David was poor and didn’t have the dowry to pay for her. Saul thought, “I’ll just let the Philistines kill him for me.”
Saul told David, “You don’t need a dowry for me, my boy. I’ll make it easy for you. Just bring me the foreskins of 100 Philistines.” David brought him 200 foreskins just to make sure. What can you do with 200 foreskins – make some wallets that expand into a suitcases when you stroke them?
After this, Saul became even more afraid of David.
Saul Tries to Have David Killed
(Ch 19) Saul ordered his men and Jonathan to kill David. However, Jonathan talked him out of it – for a while. There was another war going on and David went out and slaughtered a lot of the enemy. That drove Saul even more paranoid and depressed. He even threw a javelin at David but missed.
Saul sent some of his men to David’s house in the morning to kill him. His wife found out about it and lowered David out a window. She then made the bed to look as if he was still sleeping in it and told the assassins he was too sick to be killed, so they went back and told Saul. Saul yelled out, “Bring that bastard here and I’ll kill him myself.” David escaped and went to visit Sam in Ramah.
Then Saul sent assassins to kill him; however, God made them pray and worship instead. Saul sent another team but the same thing happened to them. Saul then went himself, but God made him take off all his clothes and lie naked all day and night. It appears that prophets were known to do strange things because some of the people asked, “Is Saul a prophet?” It would have been too dangerous to have said, “Is the king crazy?”
(Ch 20) David fled Ramah and went to talk to his soul mate, Jonathan. “Dude, why is your old man trying to kill me? What have I ever done to deserve this?”
“I haven’t the foggiest,” Jon replied. “He always tells me everything but, because he knows we are friends, he didn’t tell me anything about this. Tomorrow is the Feast of the Full Moon when we eat together for three days.” They really knew how to party. “Come back in three days and I should be able to tell you something.
“When you don’t show up, he will ask where you are. I will know the answer from his reaction. Come out to the archery range. When I send a boy to fetch my arrows, I will shout. If I shout ‘they are much further,’ you will know Saul wants you dead. If I tell you they are much closer, then you will know you are still in favor with him.” I would think David would already know the answer. The fact Saul kept trying to kill him might have suggested this.
Before the meal started, Saul asked Jon, “Where’s your friend David?”
Jon replied, “He asked permission to go to his family to sacrifice with them.”
Saul blew up and yelled, “You son of a perverse, rebellious woman.” (Such language from a king!) “I know you are sticking up for David. Don’t you know that as long as David lives, your right to inherit the throne is in jeopardy?”
On the third day, Jon went to the archery field, shot some arrows and had his boy go farther to get them. I don’t know why they went to all this trouble because as soon as the boy left, they fell into each other’s arms and swore eternal fidelity. They didn’t have domestic partnerships, much less gay marriages, in those days.
(Ch 21) David went to Ahimelech, the priest in the city of Nob. The priest was afraid and asked David, “Why are you here alone?”
David lied, “I’m on a secret mission for the King and I had to leave so fast I couldn’t bring anything with me. I need five loaves of bread and a sword.”
“All I have here is consecrated bread. I can only give it to you if you and any man you may have with you have not gotten laid within the last three days. And the only sword I have is the one you took away from Goliath.” I don’t know if David was telling the truth as he was a married man, but he told Ahimelech that he hadn’t gotten any recently. So he took the bread and sword and took off. However, Doeg, the Edomite, Saul’s chief herdsman, overheard what went on.
David fled to Achish to see the king of Gath. While waiting to meet him, he overheard one of the king’s servants say, “Hey. Isn’t that guy David, the one they say killed ten thousand men?”
“Oh, oh!” thought David. “My cover is blown.” So he pretended that he was crazy with drool running down his beard.
The king then exclaimed to his servants, “Why did you bring me this idiot? Get him out of here before he drools all over me.”
David Forms a Band
(Ch 22) David escaped to a cave and brought his family with him so Saul couldn’t avenge himself on them. He also gathered 400 other misfits and put together a mercenary band.
To protect his family, he went to the king of Moab and asked if his father and mother could stay with him for protection. One minute they were killing each other and the next they were asking favors. Of course the same thing happened to us after WWII.
Then God told David to go to the land of Judah. When Saul heard this, he complained that no one was on his side. Doeg, the Edomite, told Saul, “Hey, I saw Ahimelech give David some bread and a sword the other day.”
Saul lost it and had Ahimelech, his family and all the priests who were there, brought to him. He then ordered his men to kill them all but they refused as they were afraid to kill holy men. Doeg didn’t have that qualm as he was an Edomite, so Saul had him kill them all. One would think that a powerful god would at least protect his own priests.
One of Ahimelech’s sons, Abiathar, escaped and told David. David was very upset about this and said to Abiather, “I should have known that Doeg would tell Saul. I should have killed him. It’s all my fault Saul had your family killed. Since Saul wants to kill us both, you can stay here where you will be safe.”
(Ch 23) David heard that the Philistines were attacking the town of Keilah. Abiathar had an ephod and told David that God wanted him to save the town of Keilah. If you had an ephod, you could tell the king anything and it was the word of God. It’s a good thing that our priests and pastors don’t have them today. Billy Graham didn’t need one.
By now, David had more than 600 men. They attacked and beat the Philistines. It would take a lot of food to feed an army in excess of 600 and I am sure they didn’t grow all of it themselves. David and his men took all the cattle and supplies from the Philistines and stayed inside the walled city.
Saul heard this and exclaimed, “Now I’ve got that bastard where I want him. He’s trapped inside a walled city.” But David’s intelligence was just as good and he learned what Saul was up to and took off. The balance of the chapter was about Saul chasing David and his men all over the countryside. It ended just as Saul was forced to stop chasing David and go and fight the Philistines.
(Ch 24) When Saul was through fighting the Philistines, he resumed his search for David. David and his men hid inside a cave. Must have been a big cave for 600 men. I wonder if they had porta-potties?
In one story, Saul took a nap alone in front of the cave without any bodyguards. David’s men wanted him to kill Saul but David wanted nothing to do with regicide. Instead, he cut off part of Saul’s robe. In addition to being careless with security, Saul must have been a sound sleeper as well.
After Saul woke up and returned to his camp, David yelled to him, “Saul, do you wonder what happened to your robe? Well . . . here’s the rest of it. I could have killed you but because you are the one that God anointed as king, I didn’t.” Evidently David’s anointing didn’t take effect until after Saul died.
“OK David. I can see that I was wrong in doubting your loyalty. I know you will be the next king. Just promise me that you won’t kill all my seed when that happens.” In those days it was the custom to kill off all close relatives, both their own and the former king’s, in addition to anyone who might stake a claim to the throne. David agreed and both sides parted.
Samuel Dies
(Ch 25) Sam finally died and everyone mourned. Also in this chapter is the story of a rich dude who had more than 3,000 sheep and 1,000 goats. David sent a delegation to him to ask for food for his troops. It took a lot of food to feed 600 men and I imagine, as with most rebel armies, the food was extracted from the people. One doesn’t say no to 600 hungry, armed men.
But the guy said no, so David decided to take what he needed and kill everyone “who pisses against the wall.” I’m not kidding. Although more modern translations just say “men,” the original OT said “those who piss against the wall.” This is a better translation as it eliminates women and male babies. Nowadays if you piss against the wall, all you get is a ticket for indecent exposure.
Abigail, the rich man’s wife, was smarter than her husband. She knew that there would be a bloodbath if David’s men weren’t fed. Therefore she gathered up a load of food and met David and his troops. David was still mad and still wanted to teach all those wall-pissers a lesson (how can you learn a lesson if you are dead?), but Abigail bowed down and flattered him and got him to change his mind.
Later that evening, after her husband was drunk, she told him what she did. He had a fit and died 10 days later. When David heard that, he sent servants to take her as his wife along with another woman. Saul had given David’s first wife, Michal, to someone else.
Another Version
(Ch 26) The next story sounds like another version of the story in Chapter 24 and is almost as difficult to believe. Maybe God forgot he wrote the first one. Saul was still chasing David and was camping nearby. He was asleep with Abner, the captain of his troops, sleeping nearby. David snuck down and took Saul’s spear and water bottle. I wonder if it was mountain spring water like the bottled water we have today.
Then David yelled out, “Abner, you are a great warrior but you should be put to death because I could have killed Saul.”
Saul said, “David, is that you, my son?”
David replies, “It is I, oh king. See here where I have your spear and water bottle? I could have killed you, so why are you trying to kill me?”
“You are more righteous than me, David. You are going to do great things.” Then they each went their own way. Sort of an anti-climactic ending to the story.
David Joins the Enemy
(Ch 27) David and his men went over to the Philistines with all their wives and families. The number one Jewish hero went to fight with the enemy. They don’t tell you in Sunday school that David was a traitor.
Achish, the king of Gath, gave David and his people the town of Ziklag to own and to live in. While living there, David and his mercenaries raided the Geshurites, Gezrites, and the Amalekites. I’m surprised that there wasn’t a tribe named “the Gesundheits.” Not only did David raid them, but he killed them all, as dead men tell no tales and he didn’t want Achish to know.
David told Achish he had been raiding Judah, including the Jerahmeelites and the Kenites. Achish thought to himself, “Now the Israelites will hate David so much that he will be mine forever.”
The Witch of Endor
(Ch 28) Well, it was time to fight the Philistines again. This time David was on the Philistines side. Saul was really worried this time and tried to communicate with God to find out what to do. However, God was not talking to him either by dream or with the priests throwing lots. Maybe the fact that he killed all the priests might have had something to do with it.
Earlier Saul had outlawed all wizards and spiritualists, but now he wanted one. Even today some leaders rely on the supernatural to lead them. Nancy, President Reagan’s wife, went to fortunetellers so she could advise her husband. And of course President Bush II said God told him what to do. Looks like God made another mistake with his Iraqi advice.
Someone told Saul he knew of a witch in Endor. Saul disguised himself and went to see her. He asked her to conjure up a spirit for him. She told him, “What do you mean? Don’t you know that Saul made spiritualism illegal? Are you trying to trap me?”
“I swear by the Lord that you will not be punished,” Saul said. “I want you to contact the Prophet Samuel for me.” Of course then she knew who he was, as only Saul could make that promise stick.
So she did her hocus pocus and got Sam on the line. This had great implications for today. This means that there really are witches and that it is possible to talk to the dead. Maybe some of those ghost stories are true. Anyway, Sam asked Saul, “Why are you bothering me?”
“I’m really worried about the battle with the Philistines and I can’t get God on the line. Can you tell me what is going to happen?”
“God is very unhappy with you because you didn’t kill everything like he ordered you to. For this, you will lose the battle and you and you sons will all be killed.” If Saul knew he was going to lose the battle and be killed, you would have thought he would have just surrendered.
(Ch 29) This is a very short chapter. The other Philistine princes did not trust David, so Achish sent him back home, thereby saving him from being a traitor.
(Ch 30) David returned to his city and found that it had been raided by the Amalekites and burnt to the ground. All of the wives and the rest of the people had been carried off for slaves. No one can blame the Amalekites after all David had done to them.
His warriors were greatly upset and there was even some talk of stoning David. David had Abiathar, his private priest, get out his ephod and ask God if he should go after them. God said “OK” and they took off after them. Duh! I don’t think you would need an ephod to tell you that.
David and his boys caught up with the raiders and killed all of them except for 200 who escaped. It seems the Amalekites were more humane than the Israelites. At least the families of David’s men were all alive. They took the booty the Amalekites left behind and returned it to the rightful owners and kept the rest for themselves. Sure. Tell me another one. I don’t think everything had labels with the location of where it was stolen.
Saul and Sons are Killed
(Ch 31) Saul had it. The Philistines won the battle as predicted and killed all of Saul’s sons, including David’s friend, Jonathan. Because Ishbosheth was a cripple, he stayed at home and lived. Saul fell on his own sword and the Philistines strung up their bodies and put them on display. However, later at night, the residents of Gilgal took the bodies down and buried them. Then they fasted for seven days. With all that fasting, the Israelites didn’t need a Jenny Craig to keep them thin.
The two books of Samuel used to be one. However, they were too big to fit on one scroll, so they were divided into two.
(Ch 1) Two days after the battle, a man with clothes that were rent and dirt on his head came to see David. He said he was an Amalekite and Saul and Jonathan were both dead. He said Saul had asked him to kill him to put him out of his misery, which he did. He then gave Saul’s crown to David.
The preceding chapter said that Saul fell on his sword, but maybe he did or maybe he didn’t finish the job. After all, it is not that easy to stick a sword in deep enough to kill yourself unless you are Japanese. I know that I couldn’t.
But whatever the truth, it did the Amalekite no good. David had him killed on the spot for killing a king anointed by God, even if God did withdraw his anointment. David lamented Saul and Jonathan’s deaths by singing a song named “The Song of the Bow.”
It was recorded in the Book of Jasher. Never heard of it? Unfortunately, no one has ever heard of a book of that name, so I guess we will never hear the song. There are a number of cases in the Bible where books are mentioned but no copies could be found. I bet some of them would have interesting stories, some of which would probably conflict with the approved Bible. But then, even the approved Bible conflicts with itself. I wonder if any of the missing books are in the Vatican library.
In most stories there are heroes. In the Old Testament, everyone was a murdering bastard who would kill anyone, including babies, with the slightest provocation and put the blame on God. David was supposed to be God’s chosen, but he was just as bloodthirsty as any of them.
(Ch 2) David went to Judah with his men and their families where they made him king of Judah. At this time in history, Israel and Judah were two separate countries with Judah being the smaller. General Abner made Saul’s son, Ishbosheth, king of Israel, the northern country.
Although the scribes who edited the OT tried to hide the fact that Jehovah was only one of their many gods, they slipped up here. Ishbosheth was name after a pagan god. Why would a man who was made a king by Jehovah name one of his sons after a pagan god?
Abner, David and their men had a meeting at Gibeon, facing each other across a pool. Abner suggested that the young men play some game together. However, David’s men killed each man they were playing with. Talk about your bad sportsmanship. After all, they weren’t killing enemies of their country – they were killing fellow Hebrews in a power play.
Abner took off like a bat out of hell with one of David’s men, Asahel, chasing after him. But Abner was able to kill him with a spear. Abner made it to the tribe of Benjamin and then stood fast. Joab, David’s general, pursued him but dared not fight the Benjaminites. The book didn’t mention it, but the Benjaminites were part of the country of Judah but David probably didn’t have complete control at that time.
(Ch 3) We now find David and Saul’s son making war on each other with David getting stronger and Ishie getting weaker. At the same time, Abner was having an intimate relationship with Saul's former concubine. This upset Ishie and they had a falling out. You don’t want to have a falling out with your general when he has control of the army and is stronger than you.
The Hostile Merger
Abner had the real power and he approached David about a merger with David as king of both countries. David agreed if his first wife, Michal, was returned to him. Her new husband didn’t like the idea but didn’t have much to say about it if he wanted to survive.
(Ch 4) Joab hated Abner for killing his brother, Asahel, and so he killed Abner. David denied culpability and the merger still went through.
Jonathan had a five-year-old son named Mephibosheth. When the word of Jonathan’s death reached the royal palace, his nurse fled with him for his protection. It was not healthy in those days to be a son of a king when there was a change in administration, especially if you were too young to defend yourself. Unfortunately, she was in such a hurry that she dropped him, breaking his leg.
Without an orthopedic surgeon, the leg didn’t heal properly, so Mephi was a cripple the rest of his days, which probably saved his life.
Some men wanted to be in favor with David. So they killed Ishie, cut off his head and brought it to David. Evidently they didn’t know about the poor guy who brought Saul’s head to David. Sure enough, they received the same fate. Gratitude wasn't one of David's strong points.
It was probably just a lucky coincidence that the two people who might have impeded David’s kingship were killed by others without David getting any blood on his hands and he, in return for the favor, had them killed. Or maybe it was just God’s will.
(Ch 5) David consolidated his reign. He was 30 when he began to rule. He ruled seven and a half years over Judah and 33 over both Judah and Israel, for a total of 44 years. I know that this doesn’t compute, but it was close enough for the Bible. Math was never God's strong point. He never could count all the stars in the sky.
Jerusalem is Taken
David attacked the Jebusites in Jerusalem and, naturally, supposedly killed them all. He took over Jerusalem as his capital and started building. Hiram, the king of Tyre, sent craftsmen and material to build David a palace. David took more wives and concubines. I don’t see why Christians are so opposed to having multiple wives, concubines and slaves. After all, it’s in the Bible. And if the Bible said it was all right, it had to be all right.
In this chapter, there is a list of David’s wives and sons which I won’t bore you with. Of course, who cares about daughters until they have a son? The balance of the chapter is about how God and David kill more Philistines. They seem to have bred as fast as the Hebrews killed them.
The Return of the Ark
(Ch 6) David took 30,000 men and a cart to fetch the Ark from the house of Abinadab where it was stashed. The cart shook, and when a man reached out his hand to steady it, God struck him dead. He should have just let the damn thing tip over. It was God’s fault if he couldn’t protect his own Ark. The only punishment the Philistines got for touching it was hemorrhoids, but when a Hebrew tried to save it, he lost his life.
When this happened, David was justifiably angry with God and was afraid to take the Ark all the way to Jerusalem. Therefore, he left it at the house of Obededom. Evidently that wasn’t a problem as Obe and his families were blessed by God. After three months when nothing bad happened, the Ark was taken to Jerusalem.
Along the way, a crowd followed singing and dancing. David was also singing and dancing and making a fool of himself. His wife Michal told him, “You should act more like a king and stop making an ass out of yourself.” God didn’t like a mere woman sassing his boy, so he closed her womb. This was Bible talk for making her infertile. Freedom of speech was not for women in those days.
(Ch 7) Basically, the only thing important in this chapter was that David felt guilty living in a cedar palace while God lived in a box in a tent. David wanted to build a temple fit for a god but the prophet Nathan said, because David’s hands were so bloody, God wanted him to wait. When his son became the next king, he could build it. In the rest of the chapter, God and David told each other how great each other were. They were the founders of the Jewish Liars League.
Saving Saul's Seed
(Ch 8) In this chapter, David was fighting, taking more territory, enslaving more people, setting up garrisons, and giving the names of the members of his staff.
(Ch 9) David asked Ziba, one of Saul’s former servants, if there were any of Saul’s seed left whom he could show a “kindness” to. Of course you know what he really wanted to do. He wanted to be sure that there were no more rivals for his throne by planting that seed six feet under where it couldn’t grow.
Ziba told David that Jonathan had a son named Mephibosheth who was crippled in both feet. With a cripple, David had nothing to fear, as a good king had to be capable of leading his troops into battle. So David sent for Mephi to show him honor. To be sure, David kept Mephi close by in the palace. David turned the management of Saul’s estates over to Ziba and his family to manage while Mephi ate at David’s table where David could keep an eye on him.
(Ch 10) The king of Ammon died and his stupid son, Hanun, took over. David sent two emissaries to offer official condolences. The new king accused them of being spies (which they might have been) sent by David so he could attack Ammon. It was common in those days for neighbors to attack during the confusion when a king died and the new king hadn’t taken full command.
Hanun cut off half of the emissaries’ beards and half of their clothes so their butts showed. This was a great insult and David got ready for war. Hanun got some allies to help fight David, but David won and took a lot of booty and slaves. It pays to be polite to your neighbors.
David Knocks up his Neighbor's Wife
(Ch 11) This chapter contains the famous story about David having a man killed so he could hide the fact that he knocked up the guy’s wife. Joab and the troops were at war while David was walking on the roof of his palace. He saw this hot mama next door taking a bath and got turned on. He found out she was Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah the Hittite. They “knew each other” and she got pregnant. A little knowledge can be dangerous.
David had Joab send Uriah to him and David said to Uriah, “You guys are doing a great job. I asked you here because I wanted to get a report of the war from someone who had firsthand knowledge.”
“Your majesty; I am honored that you asked me. The battle is going fine and we should have everything under control in a week or so.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Go on home and take a break. You deserve it.” Now David didn’t send him home because he had some guilt complex. He was hoping, after being away from home so long, that Uriah would want to “get a little.” Then he would think the baby was his.
But Uriah refused saying, “I will not enter my house while my fellow soldiers are sleeping on the cold ground. I’ll just sleep on the doorway.”
As there was no way David could order such a patriotic soldier to fuck his wife, he sent him back to Joab with a message for Joab to put him at the front and to be sure he was killed. When Joab complained, David told him, “Don’t sweat it. A sword can kill one man as well as another.” Life was cheap in those days.
Uriah’s wife mourned his death and after a discrete time, she became another of David’s many wives.
(Ch 12) It was hard to keep everything a secret, so Nathan, the prophet, came to David and told him a story. It was about how a rich man had taken the lamb of a poor man and had it butchered for dinner when an unexpected guest showed up.
“That rich bastard!” exclaimed David. “As the Lord lives, he shall die.”
“That rich man is you, your eminence. Did you think that God wouldn’t find out about it? For your punishment, God said all your wives will be taken from you and another man will fuck them out in the open where everyone can see. Plus your baby will die.” Again God punishes others for someone else’s sins. That would be as if someone raped your wife and the police arrested her instead of the rapist. Come to think of it, in some places in the Middle-East they still do things like that, only it’s called an “Honor Killing.”
While the baby was sick, David mourned and fasted. But after the baby died, it was business as usual. When someone asked him why he didn’t mourn after the baby died, he said, “While the baby was still alive, there was always a chance God would change his mind. But after he died, there wasn’t much I could do. After all, with all the wives and concubines I have, I have more than enough kids.” To make up for it, David and Bathsheba had another son and he was named Solomon.
Back to the war: Joab sent a message to David, “We are about ready to break through the walls of Rabbah and take the city. Get your ass over here if you want to claim credit for taking it.”
So David came and took a jewel from the idol of the god Molech and put it into his crown. Then he forced all the survivors to work in construction. I guess he didn’t have them all killed because he needed slaves. People in those days were as cruel as their gods.
David's Son Absalom
(Ch 13) The next story was about Absalom, one of David’s sons. Absalom had a beautiful sister named Tamor. Amnon, another of David’s sons from a different mother, thought she was hot and raped her. Of course now she was ruined for life as she would not be able to get anyone for a husband as no one wanted damaged goods.
Absalom was incensed over this so he killed his half-brother, Amnon, and went into hiding. Kings’ sons were a touchy bunch in those days so they thought Absalom was going to kill all of them so he could be king. The sons took off on their mules and hid temporarily until all the facts were known. I wonder why they used mules instead of horses.
Absalom stayed with his mother’s father, the king of Geshur, for three years. He must have been a favorite as David missed him even though he had many other sons, .
(Ch 14) Joab talked David into letting Absalom return. He returned but David would not see him. Absalom made sure he would become very popular with the people.
After waiting in the wings for over two years, Absalom sent for Joab. Twice Absalom sent for Joab but he never came. So Absalom had his servant set fire to one of Joab’s fields. That got his attention and Absalom asked him to talk to his father and see if they could patch things up. That was a strange way to ask someone for a favor.
(Ch 15) Absalom was not a very dutiful son. He started to undermine David’s popularity with the people. The book he did this for 40 years. Previously it stated David ruled for a total of only 40 years. One or both of these numbers must be wrong. That’s not too surprising. God never was good at math, but he liked the number 40 for some reason.
Absalom’s power increased to the point where David had to leave Jerusalem and hide out in the wilderness, taking his men, their families and most of the city. However, Zadok, the head priest, was on David’s side so David left him in the palace as a spy. Absalom moved into Jerusalem with his army and occupied the palace.
(Ch 16) Ziuba, the servant of Mephibosheth, Jonathan’s crippled son, brought food and wine for David and his men. He told David that Mephi was for the other side. As David and his band were leaving Jerusalem, a man followed David, throwing rocks and cursing him. “Damn you! You bloody bastard.” That would have been a good way to commit suicide but David let it pass.
Ahithophel, David’s ex-advisor who defected to Absalom, advised Absalom to put a tent on the roof and fuck all of David’s concubines in view of the people to show that he was the man. I don’t suppose he did them all in one day. I thought Jews were more modest than that.
(Ch 17) Ahithophel also advised Absalom to attack David right away while he was weak. However, Hushai, David’s spy, advised waiting until Absalom had more men. God is credited with swinging the choice to Hushai’s advice. God liked to play these silly mind games.
This made Ahithophel very depressed and he hanged himself. Hushai told Zadok to tell his sons to tell David to get his ass across the river ASAP. Unfortunately, his sons were seen leaving and had to hide in a well to keep from getting caught.
(Ch 18) This gave David enough time to gather his troops together and attack Absalom’s army. David gave instructions to his people not to kill Absalom. David’s army was winning and Absalom tried to escape on a mule. His hair got caught on a branch and his mule took off leaving him dangling.
A soldier came back to Joab and reported the news. Joab asked him, “Why didn’t you kill the traitorous bastard?”
“No way I’m going to kill a king’s son. You know what happened to the last guy who did.” So Joab went back and did the job himself. That cost him in the long run.
Meanwhile back at the castle, David was waiting for word of the battle. The watchman said, “Lord, I see a man running alone – no, wait. There is another man way behind him.” The two messengers were brought to David and asked to report the news of the battle.
The first one said, “The enemies of our Lord have been defeated.”
David asks, “How is my son Absalom?”
“I don’t know, my Lord. There was too much confusion.”
The second messenger reported, “All you enemies are the same as your son Absalom.”
Upon hearing this, David broke down and wept, “Absalom, oh, my son, Absalom. I wish God had taken me instead of you.” If David really wanted this, a lot of lives could have been saved if he had just abdicated the throne instead of going to war. Maybe David was getting senile in his old age.
(Ch 19) David kept crying and moaning, “Absalom, oh, my son, my son.” With all the sons David must have with all the wives and semi-wives he had, what's one son more or less?
Joab came to him and said, “David, pull yourself together, man. You are making a spectacle of yourself. People will think you would have rather lost the battle than your son.”
Back in Charge Again
So David pulled himself together; however, there was still a lot of strife in the country. He asked the elders of Judah, “Why are you the last ones to welcome me back as king?”
They sent word for him to come with his household and then went to meet him. Mephi approached him and said, “I was for you all the time, my Lord. My servant lied to you.” As he was a cripple, you can’t really blame him for going the way the wind blows.
(Ch 20) After David moved into Gilead, Sheba, an elder of the northern country of Israel, came to him and said, “Why have the men of Judah stolen you away?”
They answered, “Because he is related to us. We have more of a right to him.”
Sheba and the men of Israel responded, “But we are ten tribes and you are only two, so we have more right to him.” But the men of Judah were more forceful.
So Sheba said, “In that case we want no part of David.” And the Israelites returned home.
First David took the 10 women Absalom raped and had them locked up for the rest of their lives. Sounds like a good idea. Lock up the victims. Even today, some Islamic countries punish the victims. The some Muslims follow the OT better than we do. Did you notice how politically correct I was? I made sure to use the work “some.”
Then David assembled his men and told them, “Go get Sheba before he gets inside a locked city. He could be more trouble than Absalom.” But Sheba and his men made it to a city with Joab hot on his tail.
Joab and his men started to tear down the city walls when a woman asked him, “Why are you attacking your own countrymen?”
Joab answers, “All we really want is Sheba.”
“Oh, is that all. Wait here and we’ll get his head for you.” They did and Joab returned with it to Jerusalem and David.
God Stops Drought with Human Sacrifices
(Ch 21) To show the pagan origins of Jehovah, now known as the god of the Jews, Christians and Muslims, here is another example of human sacrifices to God.
There was a long drought in the land. Sort of like the drought we were having in California from 2006 through when I wrote this. Naturally, they thought God was somehow displeased with them and sent the drought to punish them for something they didn’t know.
David said God told him it was punishment for killing a lot of the Gibeonites, the remnants of the Amorites who were almost wiped out by Saul. God only wanted Saul to kill some of them, not get carried away and try to wipe them out as he usually wanted. As usual, God punished the living for the sins of the dead.
David asked the Gibeonites who were left what he could do to make it up to them. Instead of asking for compensation for the atrocity, they asked David for seven sons or grandsons of Saul to be sacrificed. Of course Saul didn’t mind; he was dead. This was David’s chance to get rid of anyone else who might be a claimant to his throne. He gave them two sons from Saul’s concubines and five from one of Saul’s daughters. Mephi wasn’t sacrificed as he was no threat. Of course, after the human sacrifices, the rains eventually came.
If this were really God’s idea, God was asking for human sacrifices in order for Him to return the rains. I wonder if there is anyone we can sacrifice to end the drought in California. There are some politicians I can think of.
Their bones, along with Saul’s and Jonathan’s, were buried together. Then David killed some more Philistines.
(Ch 22 & 23) The only thing of interest was a song that David wrote and sang to God plus a few odds and ends of nothing important.
God Hates Census
(Ch 24) For some off-the-wall reason, God was against a census. I guess he didn’t want the Israelites to know how many of them there actually were. But God is the one who ordered David to take a census. So God was angry with David for doing what He told him to do.
In reality, it was the Israelites who were against a census as it was used for taxes and military conscriptions. It was difficult for a leader to lead if he didn’t know how many he was leading. This book is being written in 2010 and the census in the U.S. has just started. The year 2009 was very bad with the recession and our wars. I just hope God isn’t planning on punishing us any more.
Despite Joab’s protest, David ordered him to make the count. Joab reported back to David that there were 800,000 fighting men from the 10 tribes of Israel and 500,000 from the two tribes of Judah. Men who were able to fight were the only ones counted in a census. Of course they had to hire a bunch of bureaucrats to handle all the paperwork.
For some reason, this really pissed off God, so it was punishment time. In a later version in Chronicles, Satan was blamed. As usual, it would be others who would be punished. God gave David three choices: seven years of famine, three days of plague, or three months of being chased by his enemies. David told God, “Whatever you do, please don’t let me fall into the hands of my enemies.” So God, in his infinite wisdom, gave the country the plague instead. At least David didn’t have to be bothered by being chased by his enemies. They were probably too sick with the plague.
In reality, what probably happened was that the plague came first and the people blamed it on the census. Only 70,000 people died. I wonder if this includes women. David told God, “God, my subjects are dropping like flies. What can I do to get you to stop the plague?”
“Just go and burn me an ox I can smell,” God said.
We start out with David being old and bedridden. Even with blankets he couldn’t keep warm. So his staff found him a young virgin to lie in bed with him and keep him warm. It's too bad this benefit isn't included in Medicare coverage today, a lot of old men would like this prescription.
(Ch 1) David’s son, Adonijah, wanted to be the next king. He, along with Joab and Abiathar, the high priest, sponsored a big feast and invited all of David’s sons and servants. They did not invite the priest Nathan, Solomon, or Benaiah, Solomon’s mother.
The three of them pulled a fast one and got David to confirm that Solomon was to be the next king. They poured oil on Solomon, blew trumpets, and paraded Solomon around on David’s official mule, the limousine of the day. Everyone in the city, except the ones outside at the feast, celebrated.
When Adonijah heard he had been checkmated, he ran to the Temple for safety. He asked Solomon to swear not to kill him, which Solomon did. But that was an oath he would not be able to keep if he wanted to stay in power.
(Ch 2) On his death bed, David gave Solomon his marching orders, “Son, when I’m gone, I want you to kill some people for me. Any promises I made to not kill them will be void upon my death. First, I want you to kill Joab, my commanding general. I know that he saved my ass a number of times, but that’s old history. Even though he did it for my own good, he killed Abner and Absalom. And then there's the fact he might be a threat to your throne.
"Next I want you to kill the man who insulted me when I was leaving Jerusalem. Give him a real bloody death. No one calls me a bloody tyrant and gets away with it even if I did promise God I wouldn’t kill him.” That wasn't very nice of David to promise not to kill someone but to have him killed as soon as he died. He shouldn't try to wiggle out of a promise to God on a technicality.
Adonijah, the would-be king, asked Solomon’s mother to ask Solomon if he could marry the virgin who slept with David while he was dying. Even though Solomon had promised his mother he would give her anything she asked for, this was now his excuse to get rid of his meddlesome brother. A little fratricide never stopped anyone in the Bible. As a son of a king, if Adonijah had any smarts he would have laid low or taken off.
When Joab heard Adonijah had been executed, he made a run to the Temple tent and grabbed hold of an altar horn. The law in the land stated that if you grabbed the horn, you had sanctuary as long as you held on to the horn. When he wouldn’t let go, Solomon’s men ignored the law and killed him anyway. This is similar to what some of the people who work for our presidents do. Solomon didn’t kill Abiathar, the priest, because he wasn’t a threat to the throne, but he did exile him.
(Ch 3) Solomon then went to Gibeon to make a sacrifice as this was the highest place around. Most people those days thought the closer they got to God, the better the sacrifice would be. The smoke wouldn’t have to go so far for him to smell it. While Solomon was there, God talked to him. “As David was so great and you are his son, I’ll grant you any wish you want; just name it”
“Well, let me think. I want you to make me a smart judge of my people.”
“That’s all you want? You got it. And to top it all off, as a bonus. I am going to make you the greatest king there ever was, is, or will be.” For a while, God kept his promise.
Dividing a Baby
You all have heard the Bible story about the two whores with one baby between them who came to Solomon to judge who should get the brat. Each of the women had babies at night at the same time but one baby died of SIDS. One of the women said the other woman had switched babies in the middle of the night.
Solomon in his great wisdom said, “Hand me that sword and I’ll solve the problem by chopping the baby in half and give each one of you half. I’ll chop him lengthwise so each half will be the same.”
“No, no!” one of the women shouted.
“Yes, yes!” the other woman shouted.
Of course you know who got the baby in the story. This would never work in real life. I don't know of any women who would want half of somebody else's dead baby. Nowadays we use DNA testing. God was so behind the times.
(Ch 4) The next one is a waste of space. It starts out with a list of Solomon's leaders and servants. Then it gives an inventory of his chariots, horses and other possessions. It ends with a shopping list of what Solomon needed to operate his castle.
The New Temple is Built
(Ch 5) Finally, there was peace in the land and planning to build the new temple began. Hiram, King of Tyre, which is Lebanon today, sent his cedar lumber and craftsmen to Israel in exchange for wheat and oil. Solomon even gave Hiram some of his cities. Can you imagine Bush trading San Francisco for a new National Cathedral? Solomon drafted workers and they started hewing rocks.
(Ch 6 & 7) These next two chapters will interest only architects. They go into details on the construction of the Temple and Solomon’s personal mansion. There is one curious detail. The Temple was only sixty cubits by twenty. This is just about the size of a large American home today.
(Ch 8) This was all about moving the Ark into the Temple and all the rituals, prayers and sacrifices involved.
(Ch 9) The Temple was now completed. God gave his approval and then went into a spiel about how, if Solomon did everything God wanted, God would be on his side. Solomon gave Hiram 20 cities to pay off his debt. With all we owe China, maybe they would take Los Angeles in exchange.
The pharaoh took the city of Gezer, burnt it to the ground, and gave it as a dowry for his daughter when she married. This was a strange gift. What can you do with a burnt city, especially if you kill all the people? Maybe we should burn down Tijuana and give it to the Chinese.
Solomon conscripted the people of the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites that were left and put them into a labor force. But he didn’t force the Israelites to work. He just taxed the hell out of them. With his pal, Hiram, he built a navy that went to Ophir and brought back lots of gold. This was where we got the legend of King Solomon’s lost mines.
The Queen of Sheba
(Ch 10) Solomon had a visit from the Queen of Sheba. She heard all about Solomon’s wealth and wisdom and brought a camel train of spices, gold, gems, and other exotic gifts as housewarming presents.
(Ch 11) Solomon might have been the world’s biggest womanizer. He liked exotic wives and concubines from all the tribes and nationalities known at that time. He had more than 700 wives and 300 concubines. Those poor horny girls. If he fucked one a day, it would take over two-and-a-half years before they all could get laid.
Wouldn’t it have been a shame if she had her period when her time came? Maybe if we had given Bush a few more wives, he would have stopped meddling in world affairs, especially where the Garden in Eden had been.
From the beginning, Solomon was led astray by women. God didn’t make him smart enough or he was thinking with his other head. When he got older, he began to worship Ashtoreth, god of the Zidonians and Molech, the god of the Ammonites – the gods of his women.
As usual, instead of punishing Solomon, God punished the entire kingdom. God told him, “Since you are now worshiping other gods, I am going to break up your kingdom.” In addition, the tribes around him started to harass the country. Why didn’t God take care of the problem before things got out of hand? Maybe he had too many time-consuming obligations in other galaxies.
The Kingdom Splits
Ahijah the prophet met a rebel leader named Jeroboam. Ahijah tore his robe into twelve pieces and gave 10 to Jeroboam. This was a strange way to symbolize the breaking up of the kingdom into two again. Ahijah forgot to take into account the Levites. After Solomon died, God gave one kingdom to his son, Rehoboam, because of his promise to David. Even though Solomon had double-crossed God, the Almighty still let him reign for the rest of his life.
You are supposed to be able to read more about the life of Solomon in The Book of the Acts of Solomon, but evidently someone misplaced it. No one can find it. I wonder if it is mixed up in the Dead Sea Scrolls?
(Ch 12) Now things began to heat up. Rehoboam started out as king of all of Israel. However, he did not inherit any of his father’s brains. Or maybe God made him stupid on purpose just to punish Solomon, who was already dead and couldn’t care less.
When the elders of the 10 tribes to the north came to negotiate with Rehoboam, their leader said, “Your father bled us dry with his heavy taxes. If you will lighten up a bit, we will follow you.” although Rehoboam’s official advisors advised him differently, his entourage of young, spoiled pals advised him to tell the elders, “You think you had it bad under my father? Well, I’m going to really sock it to you. My little finger is bigger than my father’s cock” (the Bible used the polite word “loins” but it’s the same thing).
The elders departed, all the time thinking, “Fuck you and the mule you rode in on.” Israel became two countries never to come together again. All Rehoboam had left were the tribes of Judah and Benjamin plus some Levite priests who were located around Jerusalem. However, in the separation they did end up with the palace and Temple and the tribes of the north would have to visit Jerusalem to sacrifice. It was sort of a Hebrew Mecca.
The ten (actually only nine) other tribes asked Jeroboam to be their king. When Rehoboam ignored the split and sent out his tax collectors, they were stoned to death. Rehoboam had about 140,000 men under arms and wanted to force the issue, but God told him not to. In all probability, the real reason was the ten to two odds, give or take a tribe. Earlier, the census showed that the two northern tribes had a total of 500,000 fighters but now they had only a pittance left. Or maybe that was another of God's math errors.
Jeroboam thought that going to Jerusalem to sacrifice was too far, so he made two young bulls out of gold and placed them at each end of his kingdom to be conveniently accessible. Jehovah was utterly shut out and I don’t think he handled this very well. Many societies have worshiped bulls because the fertility of their cattle was very important for their food supply. In India today, cows are still considered sacred.
A Prophet from Judah
(Ch 13) A prophet from Judah went to Bethel where Jeroboam was burning incense to some god. He told Jer that he was going to show him a sign from the real god by breaking up the altar and spilling the ashes all over the place. Jer told his men, “Grab that guy!”
But he was too late. His arm shriveled up, the altar collapsed and ashes flew everywhere. Then Jer asked the prophet to pray to Jehovah to restore his arm, which he did. After that, Jer said, “Hey! That was a neat trick. How about coming home with me for dinner?” But the prophet, whose name was never given, said, “No thanks. I’ve got to get back to Judah.”
Another prophet in Israel, whose name was also not given, lived in Bethel. He heard what had happened and wanted to meet his fellow prophet from the neighboring kingdom, so he got on his ass and chased him. When he caught up with the prophet, he asked, “Hey, I’m a prophet too. How about coming home with me for dinner?”
“Sorry,” the first one replied. “Nothing personal, but God told me not to eat or drink anything on this side of the border.”
“That’s funny,” the second prophet lied, “I was just talking to an angel of God and he told me that I should take you back for dinner.”
“Well, that’s a horse of a different color. If an angel told you that, God must have changed his mind,” the gullible prophet said. So they went together to the second prophet’s house and drank, dined and swapped prophet stories. Afterwards, the first prophet started home.
Before he got there, God told him, “Why can’t anyone follow my instructions? Since you fell for that phony prophet’s story, I’ll have to put a hex on you. Your body will not be buried in your family plot.” Then a lion ate him.
The second prophet found what was left of the body and buried it in his own tomb. He told his sons that he wanted to be buried in the same grave. He was the one who lied, so why didn’t God punish him instead? God doesn’t usually directly punish people who sin.
Back to Jeroboam
(Ch 14) We now switch back to Jeroboam. His son became very sick and the king told his wife, “Disguise yourself, take a bribe with you, and go to the house of Ahijah in Shiloh. Ask him if he can save our son’s life.”
God told Ahijah ahead of time she was coming. Although Ahijah was old and blind, he told her, “I know who you are and why you are here. God told me that you and the king have been worshiping the wrong gods. Everyone in his family who ‘pisses against the wall’ will die and be hauled out like a load of shit.” And that’s what the book said except it used a euphemism for the word “shit.”
“As soon as you go home, your child will die,” continued Ahijah. “However, your child will have a decent funeral because he was a good kid in spite of his parents. Oh, and God will smite Israel.” That was really decent of God to allow the poor kid to have a good funeral.
Back to Rehoboam
In the middle of the chapter, we switch over to Rehoboam, the king of Judah. He committed evil as well because he allowed his land to be filled with more sodomites than San Francisco. Because of that, the king of Egypt came to Jerusalem and left with all the gold. Wasn’t that typical? Blame it on the gays. Rehoboam had to replace the temple tools with brass and all the time he was in power, he fought with Israel. Then Rehoboam died and his son, Abijam took over.
One King after Another
(Ch 15 & 16) Abijam ruled Judah for only three years and was sinful. The only reason God let him rule that long was because of his love for David. There was still bitterness between Judah and Israel.
Then Asa took over and ruled Judah for 40 years. He was considered one of the good kings because he got rid of the idols and killed all the homosexuals. The women of Judah had to do without hairdressers for a while. The fundamental reconstructionists of today would have loved him.
Baasha, the new king of Israel, built a town named Rama near the border so he could raid Judah more easily. Being much smaller, Judah was at a disadvantage. Next Asa took all the gold and silver left in the Temple and bribed Syria to attack Israel. This forced Baasha to withdraw his troops and abandon Rama. Then Asa tore down Rama and used the material to build a new city for the Benjaminites.
After this, it gets too boring with one king after another and a coup once in a while. Most kings were sinful but occasionally there was a good king. The good kings worshiped Jehovah and the bad ones didn’t. The good kings reigned when things were going well and the bad kings reigned when things went poorly. Do you see a pattern here?
Elijah the Tisbite
(Ch 17) We pick up the story with Elijah the Tisbite, who lived in Gilead. One day, God told him, “Elijah, just because I feel like making life difficult for my people, I am going to create a big drought. But because I like you, I want you to go to the brook, Kerith. There you can drink the water and I have some trained ravens who will bring you food every day.” And so he did, until the brook dried up.
“Now,” God said. “I want you to go to the town of Zarephath. There you will find a widow to take care of you. You will like her much better than the brook.” When Elijah got there, he found her gathering sticks for a fire.
“Pardon me, madam. But could you bring me a glass of water? And while you’re at it, could you bring me a slice of bread to eat?”
“I’m sorry sir,” she replied. “All I have left is a little flour and some oil for my son and me.”
Elijah told her, “Go and make me a cake and one for yourself and your son. God has made your flour and oil to magically never run out.” So they lived on a diet of bread and oil for a long time. You would think that if God could do that, he could have added some meat and vegetables. That was about as bad as having to eat manna for 40 years. God was no gourmet; all he liked was to smell burnt flesh.
The boy died. With that diet, he probably died of scurvy. Elijah had God bring him back to life. Even Pat Robertson couldn’t do that, although Oral Roberts could heal him if he weren’t dead yet. Did you hear the one about the preacher who taught his dog to heal?
(Ch 18) Three years later Elijah went to talk to Ahab, at that time the king of Israel, the North Kingdom. Ahab asked him, “Are you the one causing all this trouble with the weather?”
Elijah shot back, “It’s you who have caused the drought by worshiping a false god. I’ll tell you what. You get all your people together at the top of Mt. Carmel and we’ll have a contest between our gods – winner takes all. Get 150 of your priests on one side and me on the other. We each will take a bullock and sacrifice it. But we will leave it to our gods to light the fire.”
“Deal!” said Ahab, as he didn’t have anything to lose.
The big day came and the 150 priests of Baal had their sacrifice ready. They prayed from sunup to sundown. They even slashed themselves. Still no fire.
But Elijah was ready for them. You never want to bet against a man at his own game. Elijah put his sacrifice on the altar. To really show off, he poured on a couple of barrels of water. He prayed to Jehovah and “poof,” a fire not only burned the sacrifice, it also burned the rock altar and the water. Probably, the phony rocks were made out of wood and the water was really petrol.
When the people saw that, they fell down and worshiped Jehovah. Elijah told Ahab, “Take those priests of Baal and kill every one of them.” So they did and then the rain came down and they all ran for cover.
(Ch 19) Ahab told his wife, Jezebel, how Elijah had killed all the priests of Baal. This ticked her off and she sent a message to Elijah that she was going to kill his ass and I don’t mean his donkey.
Elijah Anoints Two Kings
God told Elijah he wanted to talk to him and that he should go to the top of a mountain for better reception. But God had to play some more mind games. First a strong wind came. Then the mountain split in two. This was followed by an earthquake and then he topped it off with a fire-spouting volcano.
After he got Elijah’s attention – as if he needed to – he told him, “Elijah, go down and anoint Hazael as king of Syria.” God was meddling in other countries’ affairs where he had no business. I don’t see how a renegade prophet from Israel could legally anoint a king in Syria, an enemy of Israel.
“After that,” God said. “I want you to go to Israel and anoint Jehu as king. Everyone in Israel who Hazael doesn’t kill, Jehu will, and any he doesn’t kill, Elisha will. That's Elisha, not Elijah. I’ll tell you about Elisha later. God figured that this left him about 7,000 who didn’t worship Baal. In those days, I think it would have been safer to be an atheist.
Elijah left and later saw Elisha plowing in a field. He put his coat on Elisha and told him to follow him.
Syria Attacks Israel
(Ch 20) In this chapter, the king of Syria was Benhadad. He told Ahab that he wanted everything he owned, including his wives and children. An unnamed prophet told Ahab, “I know things look bad and you are greatly outnumbered, but Jehovah told me he is going to let you win just to prove to you that he is a powerful god.” Of course, if they lose, it will be because someone sinned. God never loses a bet.
Ben became overconfident and got drunk with some of his other chiefs, so the Israelites won the battle and chased the Syrians home. The prophet told Ahab, “Don’t get overconfident. They are going to come back next year and they won’t make the same mistake.”
Ben’s advisors told him, “The reason we lost is that their god is a hill god. If we fight them on flat ground we will be stronger.” So the king put together another army the same size and this time he used experienced captains instead of politicians to lead the troops.
God said, “Those stupid assholes. They think that I am only a hill god. I’ll show them that I’m not just a garden variety god; I am the god, by Me!” It’s hard to curse when you are God.
The Israelites won again and chased the Syrians to a walled city. The walls of the city fell over and killed the rest of the Syrians who were outside. Ben hid inside the city where his advisors told him, “The Israelites are known to be merciful.” Evidently they never read the Bible. “Beg for your life and maybe they will let you live.”
The two kings met and Ben gave Ahab all the land he had taken from the Israelites. When Ahab returned, the prophet (in disguise) told the king, “I was given a prisoner and told that if I let him escape, I would be killed. Well, he got away. How would you judge me?”
The king replied, “You already know what the punishment is.”
Then the prophet took off his disguise and told the king, “Because you didn’t obey God and let Benhadad go, your life shall if forfeit for his.” The Israelites may be merciful once in a while, but not God. However, God wasn’t in a hurry to carry out the sentence.
Ahab and Jezebel
(Ch 21) There was this guy named Naboth who owned a vineyard next door to Ahab’s palace. Ahab offered to either buy or trade for it but Naboth wouldn’t comply because it had been in his family for generations and the law said that it had to stay in his family. Evidently they didn’t have eminent domain regulations in those days.
This disappointed Ahab greatly and he complained to his wife, Jezebel. She told him, “Don’t get your knickers in an uproar, you wimp. I’ll get it for you.” So she had Naboth executed on a fake blasphemy charge against the king and God. After that, the land reverted to the crown. Can you imagine how many people could have been executed for blasphemy against George Bush during his term in office?
Elijah told Ahab, “God said to tell you that he is going to kill all your seed who ‘pisses against the wall.’ Also the dogs will eat Jezebel.” Then Ahab humbled himself and tore his clothes. So Elijah said, “Well, because you are sorry, God said he won’t let all this happen to you but to your son.” I thought God had already said Ahab had to die for letting Benhadad go.
Jump’n Jehoshaphat!
(Ch 22) For three years after that there was no war, but you know this couldn’t last long with a war god like God. He always had to stir things up. Jehoshaphat, king of Judah, had a summit conference with Ahab, king of Israel. They decided to join forces to fight Syria at Ramoth-Gilead.
Ahab called 400 priests of Baal together and asked them to prophesy if it were an auspicious time to fight. I thought Elijah killed all of them but I guess more were left. They told the king, “Go for it.”
But he said, “Jump’n Jehoshaphat! Whoa there. I want to double-check with Jehovah first. Do you have a prophet for Jehovah who could make a prophecy?”
Ahab replies, “The only one we have left is Micaiah, but he hates my guts and his prophecies are always against me. But if you insist, I’ll send for him.”
Micaiah prophesied, “Go ahead into battle. God told me he wants you to be killed, so he put spirits in your other prophets to make them lie to you. Your people will scatter and you are going to lose a lot more than your asses.” If God made the other prophets lie, why did he have Micaiah tell the truth?
One of the other prophets, Zedekiah, was insulted by that and slapped Micaiah, after which the king threw Micaiah in prison. Micaiah said, “Go ahead, it’s your funeral. But if you come back in one piece, that will mean God didn’t talk to me.”
The fight started and Ahab wanted to get into the battle to have some fun killing the enemy. He disguised himself and got on his chariot. One of the Syrians pierced him with an arrow and he died later. When they were hosing the blood off the chariot, some dogs licked up the bloody water. This was said to fulfill the prophecy that he would be eaten by dogs although he was only licked. There’s a big difference between being licked and being eaten.
The Jewish Bible has a different translation. In it whores take a bath in his blood. He must have lost a lot of blood. But we'll use the King James version. My mother always told me that if it was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for her.
Jehoshaphat was still tight with God, so he remained king. Ahab’s son, Ahaziah, took over Israel. There was a short bit about Jehoshaphat sending his ships for gold but they sank. I guess he didn’t sacrifice enough. And so ends First Kings.
We start out with Ahab dead. When the Moabites heard of his demise, they rebelled against Israel. In history, when a powerful king died, his subjugated nationalities thought it was their chance to get their freedom while the kingdom was going through a change of rulers. Often, there was a rivalry and everyone was too busy trying to grab power or to save their lives.
Elijah Still on the Job
(Ch 1) Ahaziah, Ahab’s successor, didn’t last long. He fell from the top floor of his palace and seriously injured himself. He sent his emissaries to ask the god Baalzebub if he were to live. But his old antagonist, Elijah the Tisbite, asked them, “Why are you going to Baalzebub, the god of Ekron, when Israel has its own god?” Back then, the gods of their enemies become their devils and Baalzebub is another word for devil today. “You can go back to your king and tell him that Jehovah said that he ain’t gonna make it.”
Ahaziah asked, “What did the prophet look like who predicted my demise?”
“He was hairy and wore a leather belt,” they replied.
“Jump’n Jehoshaphat! It was that bastard Elijah again.” He sent his captain and 50 men to get him. But Elijah had God burn them up. Poor guys. They were just trying to do their duty. Then Ahaziah sent 50 more and they suffered the same fate. Why didn’t God just kill Ahaziah and get it over with instead of wasting all his troops?
The third time, the captain was smart and called up to Elijah, “Please Elijah, stop burning us all up. It’s not our fault you can’t get along with the king. We are just common soldiers following orders.” Who said that God is unreasonable? He allowed Elijah to go back with the captain and his men. Elijah told the king what he had told the emissaries. The king died and his brother Joram reigned.
Elijah Checks Out
(Ch 2) It was time for Elijah go away to meet his maker. He told Elisha to stay while he went, but Elisha said, “As the Lord liveth, I won’t leave you.” When they came to the Jordan River, Elijah put his coat on and smote the waters. The waters parted for them and they crossed. He smote the river again and the waters closed. I wonder what would have happened if he had forgotten to smite the waters after he crossed? Would there still be a path going through the water today? That would be quite a sight for tourists visiting the Holy Land.
Elijah told Elisha, “Time for me to go. What can I do for you before I leave?”
“Master,” he replied, “Please give me a double portion of your spirit.” If someone only had one spirit, how could he give someone else two? Up in the sky, a chariot of fire appeared and then a tornado sucked up Elijah out of sight like Dorothy in Kansas. Instead of this being a work of God, and because Jews don't have a heaven, this may have been the first recorded alien abduction (if you don’t count Enoch in Genesis who also went up somewhere bodily).
Elisha Takes Over
Elisha took Elijah’s coat that he dropped, put it on, smote the water again, and crossed back over, being careful to close the water after crossing.
When he got to Jericho, the city that had been cursed centuries before so that no one would again live in it again. The elders of the city told him, “Elisha, thank God you are here. Our city water supply is brackish and we have no water to drink. Can you fix it?” Elisha’s reputation of manipulating water preceded him.
“Sure, no biggie,” Elisha replied. He sprinkled some salt on the water. As if brackish water didn’t already have enough salt.
God Makes Bears Kill Kids
As he walked out of town, some of the kids followed him, yelling, “Hey baldy, baldy, baldy!” This really ticked off Elisha as he was a bit touchy about his bald head.
Elisha turned around and placed a curse on the children, after which two bears came out of the woods and killed 42 of them. This was a bit of overkill. The moral of this story is to beware before you pick on a prophet. Once again, it showed that God likes kids even less than adults.
(Ch 3) Now we get back to the king, Jehoram, son of the infamous Ahab, who continued the evil legacy. Mesha, the king of Moab, was tired of paying tribute every year. Last year it was 100,000 lambs and the wool of 100,000 rams. King Jehoram got together with King Jehoshaphat of Judah. The king of Edom wanted to be included in the fun so he joined them also.
Before they arrived on the battle field, they ran out of water and Jehoshaphat called for Elisha, the well-known prophet and water engineer, to remedy the problem. Elisha answered, “Why should I do this for you, especially as you have that evil Jehoram with you?”
“I wouldn’t ask you,” replied Jehoshaphat. “But God told us to attack Moab.” This set the precedent for Bush to attack Iraq – God told it to him in a briefing.
“OK I’ll do it,” said Elisha. “But I will need some musical background to work it. Bring me a guitar player.” Elisha did his thing and the valley ditches filled with water. When the sun came up, the glare from all that water reflected into the eyes of the Moabites, and it looked like blood.
This made them think the three kings were fighting each other and the Moabites attacked. Moab was beaten back, their cities burnt, their wells filled in, and their land was ruined. The king of Moab sacrificed his eldest son to get his god working. Instead, it disgusted the Israelites so much they returned home.
I wonder what the real story was. It should have taken a lot more than the sacrifice of an enemy’s son to disgust an Israelite. Could it be that by sacrificing his son, the king caused the invaders to believe that the Moabite god was going to fight for them?
(Ch 4) The widow of a son of a prophet came to Elisha and told him, “Your eminence, my husband died in debt and the bank has come to claim my two sons as slaves for the debt. Can you help me?” I’m glad this practice did not carry on to modern times. My father was heavily in debt and I could have ended up a slave.
“Well, little lady, you have come to the right place. This calls for a little magic,” Elisha told her. “What do you have of value in your house?”
“All I have left is a jar of olive oil,” she told him.
“That should work OK,” Elisha said. “Go to all your friends and neighbors and borrow all the empty jugs you can. Then fill them from your jar. Sell the excess and use the money to get out of debt.” She did it and it worked.
In the next story, a woman who was from the town of Shunem noticed that a holy man, probably Elisha, passed by her house every day. She began to invite him in for lunch whenever he passed by. She saw that Elisha became tired after lunch, and had her husband build a little hut for him to rest in.
He was grateful and told her, “I really appreciate all you have done for me. Is there anything I can do for your?”
“Now that you mention it,” she said. “I would like to get pregnant.” Now you don’t go around asking just anyone to get you pregnant. But her husband was getting too old to cut the mustard.
Elisha told her, “This time next year you will have a son.” I wonder if he meant nine months. Did Elisha use his own “wand” to do the job, or was it an immaculate conception?
The son was born and a few years later he went into the field to help his father who was too old to get it up but not too aged to work in the fields. One day the kid asked his father, “Pops, I’ve got a splitting headache. Can I go back home?” He probably had an aneurysm because when he got home he died.
The Shunemite woman went to Elisha and told him, “I appreciate your giving me a son. But he died. Is there a warranty? Can you bring him back to life?”
Elisha went home with her, did some mumbo-jumbo, and the kid was as good as new. Does that makes him a zombie?
Next story. Sometimes stories are split up among many chapters and at other times there are more than one story in a chapter. Who came up with the system of chapters and verses that every Bible version uses? The editor who did it doesn’t sound like a pro.
Elisha came to Gilead where there was a food shortage. Some sons of prophets were hungry. Evidently their fathers were unable to feed them with their magic, so Elisha sent a servant to gather up whatever herbs he could find while he put a pot of water on the fire. Into the pot he put all the herbs and made a stew.
One of the sons took a taste and spit it out, “Phooey! You can’t feed us this crap. It’s poison.” So Elisha added meat to it and they all ate it. What kind of lame story is this? It’s not even magic. Anyone can add meat to vegetables and make a stew, although it could have used some spices.
The fourth and last story in this chapter is even shorter than the one above. There were 100 prophets who were hungry. Someone brought food and they all ate. There was enough and even some left over. This must be where the writers of the New Testament got the story about Jesus feeding a group with fishes and loaves of bread.
Holy Ground
(Ch 5) The commanding general of the Syrian army, Naaman, had a case of leprosy, a particular scourge of that era. In earlier raids on Israel, they captured a young Israelite girl to be a house slave. From her, Naaman found out that there was a prophet in Israel who could cure leprosy.
The king of Syria wrote a letter to the king of Israel requesting that his prophet cure Gen. Naaman of his affliction. The king of Israel was afraid of the king of Syria and sent the general to the prophet Elisha.
Elisha told the general, “Go dip yourself seven times in the River Jordan.” Naaman told his servant, “This sounds a bit silly as we have plenty of good rivers in Syria, but I’ll try anything once if there is a chance to get rid of this damn leprosy.” He did and it worked.
When he got back to Elisha, he wanted to reward him, but Elisha said, “No, I don’t want a reward. I just want you to know there is no god like Jehovah.”
Naaman, replied, “Just give me your blessing and then I will worship only Jehovah.” In those days, the gods stayed with the territory. He solved that problem by having his servants load two donkeys with dirt from Israel to take with him. This way, he could dump the dirt on the ground and step on it whenever he prayed.
This incident is one of several examples showing the Israelites did not claim their god was the only god. Another example was when the Babylonians moved other people into the territory formerly inhabited by the Israelites. The new comers asked for Israelite priests so they could worship Jehovah. Just think, if we followed this custom today, we would have to take a load of dirt with us whenever we moved out of the country. Those who worshiped idols took their idols with them. That’s the reason Jacob’s wife stole her father’s idols.
Elisha’s servant followed Naaman and told him, “Elisha changed his mind. He could use a bag of silver if you can spare it.” When Elisha found this out, he punished the servant by giving him leprosy. It would cut down on our prison population if judges today could just afflict the condemned with leprosy instead of jailing them. I think that George Burns and Jim Carrey would make much better gods such as the ones depicted in their movies.
(Ch 6) Now we have a short, silly story. Elisha and some men needed more space so they crossed the Jordan River and started chopping trees to build houses. The head of one of the axes flew off into the river and sank. Elisha threw a stick into the water and the ax head floated to the top. Tricks like this are standard fare for today’s illusionists.
In this next story, the king of Aram was at war again with Israel. In the King James Version, it was the Syrians. However, the king thought there was a spy in his staff because Israel always knew what he was going to do. A flunky told him, “No, your majesty. There is no spy. But the Prophet Elisha can tell everything you say, even in your bedroom.” We could use him in the CIA.
“Well, don’t just stand there. Go capture him and bring him to me.” So his men surrounded the city Elisha was in.
“Elisha,” his servant asked, “what are we going to do? The city is surrounded and we can’t escape.”
“Don’t sweat it,” Elisha replied. “I’ve got it all under control.” He prayed to God and God made the Syrians hallucinate that there was a huge army of flaming chariots behind them. He then made them all blind and led them to Samaria where the king of Israel was.
The king of Israel asked Elisha, “What should I do with all these Syrians? Should I smite them?”
“No,” replied Elisha. “Feed them and send them on their way.” Are we talking about the same prophet here? The one who had 42 children killed just for sassing him? After that, the Bible said that the Syrians never came back to Israel again.
But here we have another error in the Bible. In the very next verse, King Benhadad laid siege to Samaria and tried to starve them out. In those days, when under siege, sometimes it was necessary to resort to cannibalism. One woman came to the king of Israel and told him, “My neighbor came to me the other day and asked me, ‘Let’s eat your son today and tomorrow we will eat my son.’ We ate my son yesterday, but today she hid her son and so we can’t eat him. What can I do about it?”
This upset the king and he yelled to his men, “Bring me the head of Elisha!”
But Elisha knew what was going on and told his servant, “The king’s men are coming for my head. Lock the door and don’t let them in.”
(Ch 7) As the story continued, Elisha said, “Tomorrow food will be so plentiful that it will be sold cheaply.” He went on to tell the king’s messenger, “The king will see this with his own eyes but will not eat any of it.”
Four lepers were outside the gate. One said to the others, “If we stay here, we will die. If we go inside we will die. Let’s take our chances with the Syrians.” But when they got to the camp, no one was there. All the tents and provisions were still there. It seemed that God made the Syrians think that there was a larger army on its way and they all took off as fast as they could, leaving their baggage behind.
The lepers stuffed themselves with food and hid some of the gold and silver. One leper said, “This has been a great day for us; however, if we don’t tell the king, we could be in deep shit.” So they told the king’s porter who told the king.
The king thought it might be a trap so he sent some men to check it out. They reported back that it was all true. All the people of the city rushed out to get what they could. In the process, they trampled the king to death. Prophecy fulfilled. Moral – never get in the way of a hungry mob. It’s too bad that God had to wait so long that people had to eat some of their children first.
(Ch 8) I don’t understand why they would put in the next story. Elisha told the woman whose son he had brought back to life, “There’s going to be a seven-year famine; you and your son should move to Philistia until it is over.” When she moved back after seven years, she asked the king for her land back. Elisha advised the king to do it and he did. One minute the king wanted to kill Elisha and next they were buddies. This is not even a story. It wouldn’t even make a good tweet.
King Benhadad of Syria was sick. He heard Elisha was on his way to Damascus and sent Hazael to meet the prophet and ask him if he would get well. Elisha didn’t even serve a Syrian god. Maybe he was made a courtesy prophet like an out-of-state lawyer. Elisha told Hazael, “The king will get well but he will die anyway.” Then Elisha started to cry.
“Why are you crying?” asked Hazael.
“Because I can see all the cities of Israel that you will burn and all the men of Israel whom you will kill. The Lord has showed me that you will be the next king of Syria.”
When Hazael returned, he told the king, “Don’t worry, your majesty, Elisha said you will get well.” Hazael came back the next day and smothered the king with a wet rag. A king can’t trust anyone.
Jehoram, now the king of Judah, reigned for seven years and was evil. It didn’t matter how good a ruler he was. If you didn’t worship Jehovah, you were evil. The reason God gave for not having him destroyed was the old one of God’s promise to David. Of all the humans God could go for, he picked a sorry excuse of a person in David, the guy who killed the husband of the woman he wanted. I could go on, but you have already read about him earlier.
Edom and the town of Libnah were revolting. In addition to being revolting, they were in rebellion. Jehoram tried to stop the rebellion but failed. The book states that they are free to this day, whatever day that is.
Jehoram then died and his evil son, Ahaziah took over. He reigned for only one year. Ahaziah joined Joram and they fought against Hazael. Joram was wounded and went home to recover. While there, Ahaziah paid him a visit.
(Ch 9) We pick it up where Elisha said to one of his young prophets in training, “Grab your oil. I want you to go to Ramoth. Find Jehu, the son of Jehoshaphat, pull him aside and pour some oil on him to make him king.”
God tells Elisha, “Tell him to kill every member of the royal family who pisses against the wall including slaves. When you kill Jezebel, the dogs will eat her body.” Does that mean Jezebel pissed against the wall? After doing this, the young prophet ran for his life. Why would God have all the male slaves killed too? They didn’t have any control over what was going on. After all, slaves were a hot commodity on the market.
When Jehu went back to his men, they asked him, “What did that crazy mad man want?” When his captains heard the news, they all blew their trumpets and yelled, “Jehu is our king.” Then they all left in their chariots for the palace where the wounded Joram and his guest, Ahaziah were.
When thy saw Jehu and his men coming, they went out to meet the chariots. Bad idea. Jehu killed both of them and then went into the palace and had Jezebel’s eunuchs throw her out her window where the dogs ate her. This was supposed to have fulfilled the prophecy that Elijah the Tisbite made. I don’t remember reading about some of these prophecies but that doesn’t mean they weren’t made.
(Ch 10) Meanwhile in Samaria, Ahab had 70 sons. You couldn’t expect him to be father of the year with all of them underfoot. Jehu sent letters to the elders of Samaria who were responsible for their upbringing. He told them, “Pick a new king and have him fight me for the throne.”
“No way,” they replied. “There have already been two kings who died and we don’t want to get involved in all this. We will do whatever you ask of us.”
“In that case,” Jehu answered back. “Send me the heads of Ahab’s 70 sons.” They complied. Then Jehu killed all of Ahab’s relatives, staff, personal friends and priests. He told the crowd, “Don’t worry about it. I know that I killed my master but I’m only fulfilling Elijah’s prophecy for the Lord.” In the past, anyone who killed a king would be killed, no matter if the king was good or bad. So, God broke his own rule and had two kings killed by the new king.
On his way to Samaria, Jehu met a group of 42 men who said, “We are relatives of King Ahaziah. We are on our way to visit his sons and the queen mother.” It doesn’t take a prophet to know what happened to them.
Then Jehu sent messages all over the kingdom for everyone who worshiped Baal to attend a big assembly to worship him. When they were crammed tight in the temple, he had them killed and turned the temple into a public toilet. God has mellowed out somewhat since then. We don’t have to kill everyone who doesn’t worship the same god as the president.
God thanked Jehu for following his commands, but because he sinned in other ways, he had Syria smite the Israelites anyway. Jehu reigned over Israel for 28 years and when he died, his son Jehoahaz took over a much smaller kingdom.
(Ch 11) We leave Israelite history and return to Judah. When Athaliah, the mother of King Ahaziah, learned that her son was dead, she had all of his seed killed and took over command. There have been a lot of Jewish princesses but she was the first and only Jewish queen who ever reigned; and what a bitch she was.
Luckily, one of Ahaziah’s sisters took the baby Joash, his remaining son, and hid him in the temple with the priests. Seven years later, the priests and the captains of the army killed Athaliah and put young Joash on the throne. As Jehovah’s priests controlled the young king, they had all the priests of Baal killed and his altars and images destroyed again.
(Ch 12) While King Joash grew to an adult, he did everything the Lord wanted but his people still worshiped and sacrificed to other gods. So one day he told the priests, “The Temple is an eyesore. No wonder the people don’t want to worship in it. I want you to take the money you have collected and fix up the damn thing.”
They didn’t use the money correctly and two years later, it still wasn’t fixed. Corruption in religion was nothing new. The king got tired of waiting and called the high priest, Jehoiada, and told him, “I’m tired of waiting for the Temple to be repaired. Because you are using the money for yourselves, I’m going to cut off funding from the government until it is in good condition again.”
Jehoiada took a box, cut a hole in it, and collected money from everyone who wanted to enter the Temple. As they collected the money, they paid the workers directly from the petty cash box.
King Hazael of Syria was creating a lot of mischief and took over the town of Gath, so Joash gathered all the gold he had, including the gold in the Temple, and paid Hazael to go away. Joash’s servants didn’t like this. So they killed him and his son, whereupon the amazing Amaziah took over. The odds of a Hebrew king dying in bed weren’t very good.
(Ch 13) By now you must be getting bored with all these kings coming and going and fighting and dying, killing and being killed, so I’ll try to speed things up a bit. If you want details, you know where to look.
Jehoahaz, the king of Israel, reigned for 17 years and was evil, fought Syria and died. His evil son, Jehoash, reigned for 16 years, then he died.
Elisha was terminally ill and Joash came and cried over him (I thought he was already dead). Elisha gave Joash some arrows and told him, “I want you to take these arrows and strike the floor with them. Each time you strike will be one time you win over Syria.” So Joash hit the floor three times with them. “You fucking idiot,” yelled Elisha. “You should have struck them five times. Now you will win three times and lose two.” That was a strange way of determining the outcome of a battle. Besides, Elisha never told him how many times he should strike the arrows.
Elisha died and they put him into a tomb. Much later, a dead man was lowered into the same tomb. As soon as his body touched Elisha’s bones, the man came back to life again. It’s too bad Elisha couldn’t touch his own bones.
In Syria, Hazael died and his son, Benhadad, reigned. When that happened, Joash took back the cities that had been taken from his father. He had to fight Benhadad three times to do it.
(Ch 14) If you think the stories of the kings of Israel and Judah are boring, wait until we get to the Books of the Chronicles. No wonder some people believe everything in the Bible is true. Their minds go to sleep when they try to read it.
Amaziah, the son of Joash, was the new king of Judah. God said that he was OK, but not perfect. After he was confirmed, he killed the servants who had killed his father. Now comes more hypocrisy. He did not kill their children because God told him, and I quote, “Children should not be put to death for the sins of their fathers, but every man should be put to death for his own sins.” I don’t believe it. How many times have you read about God killing and making children suffer for the sins of their fathers and grandfathers and great-grandfathers?
Jehoash, king of the Israelites, fought and beat Amaziah, broke down the walls of Jerusalem and took everything of value in the Temple and palace. Then he died and his son, Jeroboam reigned in Israel.
But as you would expect, there was a conspiracy against him and he was killed. Azariah’s 16-year-old son was then made king. We will skip the rest as there are just more kings coming and going, good and evil.
(Ch 15) SOS (same old shit). Kings came, were killed and new ones took their places. I can’t see why being a king would be so popular. The only new strategy consisted of the bribing of the king of Assyria to go away.
(Ch 16) More SOS until Ahaz, a king of Judah, went to Damascus where he saw an altar that he liked and had a copy made for the Temple in Jerusalem. The Bible didn’t mention what Jehovah thought of it or if it was even for him. Remember, God said altars were not to be touched by tools.
(Ch 17) We now come to the end of the kingdom of Israel and we will be able to call everybody Jews because there will be no Israelites left. Only two tribes will be left plus a few Levite priests. But here is the strange part. Today, the Jewish citizens of the country of Israel, which should have been named Judea, are called Israelites.
It started out with Hoshea, king of Israel, doing evil but not as much evil as his father did. Shalmaneser defeated Israel, made it a vassal, and it had to pay a tribute. Hoshea negotiated with Egypt for help and stopped sending the tribute to Assyria. Shalmaneser threw Hoshea into prison and attacked Israel. He moved the Israelites to Assyria and replaced them with loyal subjects from Assyria.
The replacements complained that the god of the Israelites was still in the area and was sending lions to eat them. They needed some priests of Jehovah to placate him, so Shalmaneser sent an Israelite priest to teach them how to sacrifice to Jehovah. Remember, in those days, gods stayed with the territory. To be on the safe side, they worshiped Jehovah in addition to their other gods. That was probably the reason the Israelites kept backsliding. They worshiped the gods of the territories they conquered instead of or in addition to Jehovah. They wanted to cover all their bets.
The so-called lost tribes of Israel assimilated into the Assyrian culture and disappeared. That is, unless you are a Mormon. The Mormons believe the lost tribes moved to North America and became Indians. If they are Indians, they didn’t keep their culture. Indians are not circumcised.
(Ch 18) Now we get back to Judah. Hezekiah, the king of Judah, was a good ol’ boy. He worshiped the right god for a change and destroyed all the other gods. He even destroyed the snake on a stick that God had made during Moses’ time to cure them of snake bites. They must have held on to that idol for a long time.
Hezekiah rebelled against Assyria, a stupid thing to do seeing what happened to Israel. Although Hezekiah was a good king, according to Judges, and even though the book said everything he did turned out OK, Sennacherib, the king of Assyria, conquered Samaria but took the Israelites to Assyria. I don’t quite understand that. He conquered one country but took the citizens of another but not the one that rebelled. It appears that Jehovah forgot his promise to all the patriarchs. You can’t even trust a god anymore.
Poor Hezekiah. Even though he did everything God told him to, God let Sennacherib conquer Judea. Hezekiah had to give Sennacherib all the gold and silver he had, including the stuff in the Temple. It’s a mystery where the Jews kept getting all the gold they kept giving to their enemies. But it wasn’t enough. Rabashakeh, the Assyrian army general came to the wall of Jerusalem and yelled out, “I have a message from the king of Assyria to the king of Judah.”
A Judean official yelled back, “Let’s talk in Syrian – I understand the language.”
“No,” Rabashakeh answered. “I want everyone on the wall to understand what I say. You think your king and your god can save you when the gods of the other countries we have conquered have not? Come out and you can eat your own food until I move you to another land as good as this one so you can live and not die. Or you can stay here and eat your own shit and drink your own piss.”
No one on the wall answered, because Hezekiah had ordered them not to. The official went to Hezekiah and reported what Rabashakeh said.
(Ch 19) When Hezekiah heard what Rabashakeh said, he tore his clothes. He put on sackcloth and went to the Temple. He sent a messenger to ask Isaiah, the prophet, to pray to God for Judah.
Isaiah told the messenger to tell the king, “Don’t sweat it. God is going to pass a rumor around the enemy so the king of Assyria will withdraw to his own country. There he will be killed. God told me that he will defend the city for David’s sake.” But first, God sent in an angel who killed 185,000 of the Assyrians. Rabashakeh returned to Assyria and was assassinated by two sons who escaped afterwards, leaving Esarhaddon to rule.
(Ch 20) Hezekiah was terminally ill. Isaiah told him, “God said for you to get your affairs in order because you are going to meet your maker soon.” Hezekiah pleaded and cried for deliverance.
As Isaiah was leaving, God told him to tell the king, “Oh, OK already. Stop your bellyaching. I’ll give you 15 more years.” Who says God doesn’t have a heart? The prophets had much better communications with God in those days. In the past, they had to throw lots or dream.
Hezekiah wouldn’t take things at face value. He asked Isaiah, “How will I know that God will let me live?”
“Well, duh. You’re alive aren’t you? But if you need a sign, God will make the shadows go back 10 degrees.” Big deal.
Merodach-baladan, the king of Babylon, heard that Hezekiah was ill and sent messengers with a get-well card. Of course their real purpose was to see if the kingdom would be weak enough for him to take over when Hezekiah died. Hezekiah wasn’t too bright and showed the messengers all the treasure he owned and bragged a lot.
When Isaiah found out, he exclaimed, “Oy vay! What have you done? Because of your stupidity, God said all your treasures will be carried to Babylon and your sons will become eunuchs in the palace of the king.” As usual, God makes the children suffer for the sins of the elders, in spite of what he said earlier.
When Hezekiah died, Manasseh became the new king at twelve years old.
(Ch 21) Manasseh was an evil little kid. He brought back the old gods his father destroyed. God responded, “You little bastard! This is the last straw. You Israelites have been a pain in the ass ever since I brought you out of Egypt. I shall void the contract I made with your ancestors and let your enemies do with you what they will.”
But God wasn’t in a hurry and Manasseh reigned for 55 years. This was longer than most good kings. After he died, his eight-year-old son, Josiah, took over.
(Ch 22) Josiah was a good little kid and they switched gods back again. Couldn’t the Jews make up their minds which god they wanted to keep? After reigning for 18 years, which made him only 26, middle-aged unless you were one of those who lived over a hundred, he called Hilkiah, the new high priest, “Take all the silver you collect and pay the workers to fix up the Temple. We can’t have God living in a dump like this.”
While they were doing the repairs, Hilkiah just happened to find a book of laws and showed it to the king. The king exclaimed, “Jump’n Jehoshaphat! We have all been breaking God’s laws and didn’t know it. No wonder he is always pissed off at us.”
Some scholars think that the priests may have written the book to reinforce their authority. The book was usually thought to have been Leviticus, the only book actually written before the scribes in Babylon wrote the rest of them.
The priests must have lost contact with God so they had to go to a freelance prophetess to find out what to do. She relayed God’s answer, “As I have promised, I will bring evil on this place and all the people of Judah. But I am pleased that you have humbled yourselves. So I will not do anything until you all die and just let your kids do all the suffering.” It’s sort of like the US government. We let the next generation fight in the wars we start and pay the bills we run up.
(Ch 23) I hope you are taking notes as there may be a test afterwards. The king called everyone together and read them the book. Then he ordered all the vessels, altars, groves, etc. for Baal, along with the sun and moon gods, to be destroyed. And, of course, he killed all their priests. If the priests of Baal had written their book first, maybe we would be praying to Baal today.
Hilkiah tore down all the houses of the sodomites. If it were anything like San Francisco there wouldn’t be much left of the city. He also stopped people from sacrificing their children. He had bodies taken out of tombs and burned on their altars to desecrate them. As if that weren’t enough, he did away with spiritualists and wizards.
But God said that this was too little, too late. He was going to destroy Judah just as he did Israel.
The pharaoh of Egypt attacked Assyria. Josiah joined the king of Assyria to fight Egypt and was killed. Josiah had ruled for 35 years. His son, Jehoahaz, ruled only for three months before the pharaoh took him to Egypt and put another son of Josiah, Eliakim, on the throne and changed his name to Jehoiakim. Then he put a heavy tax on all the people. Jehoiakim, a.k.a. Eliakim, died after reigning 11 years.
(Ch 24) Nebuchadnezzar made Judah and King Jehoiakim vassals of Babylon, but Jehoiakim rebelled. God had Nebuchadnezzar gather troops from Chaldea, Syria, Moab and Ammon to destroy Judah. God said the reason he was going to destroy Judah was because of the sins of Manasseh. Maybe some of the disasters we are having today are due to the sins of Nixon.
After Jehoiakim died, his son, the evil Jehoiachin, ruled but he didn’t last long. Nebuchadnezzar conquered Jerusalem and took all the gold, along with the king, thousands of his best troops, craftsmen and the elite of Judah. Then Nebuchadnezzar made Jehoiachin’s uncle, Mattaniah, king and changed his name to Zedekiah. But Zedekiah was evil and so the Lord sent the people of Judah into exile.
Then Zedekiah rebelled against Nebuchadnezzar. Don’t blame me if some of this stuff is out of order. This is the way it was in the Bible.
(Ch 25) God had ol’ Neb surround Jerusalem to starve the Jews out. I think that this is just an expansion of what happened in the preceding chapter. Zedekiah and all his soldiers fled out the back door and were chased down by the Chaldeans. The Chaldeans killed all of Zedekiah’s sons, poked his eyes out, and took him back to Babylon. Then they burned the city and carried everyone off except the poor whom they left to take care of the farms. Today, the descendants of the ancient Chaldeans own most of the liquor stores in San Diego.
A guy named Gedaliah was made governor. However, a band of Jews killed him and everyone with him before taking off for Egypt. Thirty-seven years later, Evilmerodach became the king of Babylon and was kind enough to release Zedekiah and let him eat at his table.
The Chronicles are basically a rehash of Judges, Samuels and the Kings. They list all the kings, good or evil, what they did and how they died. The only problem is that the kings and dates don’t always match. But then, God never was a stickler for details.
Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther, Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Solomon
we skip ahead a few generations to the time when Cyrus was king of Persia, today called Iran.
(Ch 1) I don’t know why he did it, but Cyrus let the Jews go back to Jerusalem and rebuild the Temple. He even gave back the Temple vessels and asked the Jews who stayed behind to contribute money and goods to the cause.
(Ch 2) This is just a list of some of the people who went back. God really loves publishing lists that no one is interested in.
(Ch 3) After the returning Jews got to the location of the old temple, they built an altar and sacrificed. Then they started to rebuild the Temple. Some of the really old priests and Levites, who remembered how it was before, cried and shouted for joy.
(Ch 4) Other people in the area approached Zerubbabel, the leader of the Jews, and asked if they could help because they wanted to worship Jehovah also. But Zeb and the elders told them, “We don’t want any part of you. This is our project and we will build it ourselves.”
When the upper class Jews were hauled off to Babylon, the poor were left behind to fend for themselves. Because they didn’t have a temple or priests, their religious practices were not as pure as those of the snobs who came back from exile. Some of them intermarried with the locals. A portion of those who were brought in to replace the ones taken out in exile converted to the local form of Judaism. The effect was similar to that of Africans in Haiti who mixed Catholicism with their African nature religions and came up with Voodoo.
This snub angered the people living there and they did everything they could to hinder the construction. At the beginning of the reign of Ahasuerus, the king of Persia, they sent a letter reminding him how rebellious the Jews were in the past. Ahasuerus gave the command to halt construction until further notice.
(Ch 5 & 6) The Jews of the exile sent a counter-letter reminding the new king, Darius, of the agreement they had with Cyrus. They asked him to search his files to see that Cyrus made a decree that the Temple was to be rebuilt. Darius reversed the command and the Temple was completed in the sixth year of his reign.
(Ch 7) Ezra, a priest and scribe, traced his lineage all the way back to Aaron. A copy of the command from Artaxerxes to rebuild the Temple was also included in this chapter. Ezra didn’t clarify it, but if you get confused with all these kings, there were four kings in a row: Cyrus, Ahasuerus, Artaxerxes and then Darius.
(Ch 8) You can skip this chapter; the only thing in it was another genealogy of the Jews who came from Babylon and a rehash of some of the stuff we have already gone over. They were into genealogies like the Mormons are today.
(Ch 9 & 10) Ezra noticed that many of the exiled Jews intermarried with foreign wives and had children by them. He tore his clothes and ordered all the offenders to get rid of their foreign wives and children to keep the race pure. A guy named Hitler had a similar idea.
This was a stupid thing for Ezra to do. I am sure they all had ancestors who had intermarried with non-Jews. Even Moses, David and Solomon married non-Jews.
This chapter should have been placed before Ezra unless this was a flashback.
(Ch 1 & 2) Nehemiah was the cup bearer for Artaxerxes, the king of Persia. He was very sad that the Jewish Temple was in ruins. One day, the king asked him, “Nehemiah, why the long face? Why are you so sad today?”
“It’s just that the sepulchers and the Temple of my ancestors lie in ruin. Would it be OK with you if I go to Judah and rebuild it?”
“Sure, go ahead. I can always get a temp to cover for you while you are gone,” the king replied.
Nehemiah went to Jerusalem to check out what would be needed to rebuild the Temple. But when some of the local yokels found out what he was up to they laughed at him and said, “What are you going to do – Rebel against the king? “No,” Nehemiah answered. “But if we rebuild the Temple of the Lord, God will make us all prosperous.”
(Ch 3) Here we have a description of the repairs made to the wall and the people who did the work.
(Ch 4) As in the book of Ezra, this chapter describes how many of the people who had been left behind were militantly against the reconstruction and did everything they could to stop it. To defend themselves, the Jews worked in two groups. Half the men would work with their weapons nearby while the other half would stand guard with their weapons. They guarded day and night, only taking their clothes off to wash them.
(Ch 5) A number of the Jews had to mortgage their land to afford to eat and pay their taxes. Many had to sell their children as indentured servants. Nehemiah rebuked the nobles and the wealthy for usury and made them forgive the debts of the poor.
(Ch 6) The leaders of the anti-Jewish faction were Sanballat, Tobiah and Geshem. They invited Nehemiah four times to meet with them and discuss their problems. However, Nehemiah was afraid that it was just a trap for them to get their hands on him, so he turned them down, saying, “I don’t have time to waste on meetings. I’m much too busy with more important matters.”
The anti-Jewish factions sent a letter to the king accusing Nehemiah of rebuilding the walls and preaching in the Temple to have him made king of the Jews. Nehemiah answered, “No such thing. You are just making it up.” Tobiah and Sanballat even hired prophets to create a prophesy against him.
(Ch 7) After the walls were finished and the doors put on, Nehemiah appointed his brothers, Hanani and Hanahiah, to be in charge of the city. He told them, “Be careful when the gates are open. Jerusalem is a big city but there aren’t many people living in it and not many houses have been built.” The chapter ends with another damn list of the people who were captured and sent to Babylon by Nebuchadnezzar.
(Ch 8) All the people assembled and Ezra, the scribe, read the Book of the Law of Moses that God had dictated to him. Thus, God was responsible for all the errors in the book. Ezra read the book and explained it so everyone understood it. They left and celebrated for seven days. They made booths from palm branches to stay in as was written in the book.
(Ch 9) After they had been fasting, the Jews assembled. They separated themselves from non-Jews and listened to the Book of the Law of Moses. The rest of the chapter is just a sermon given by some Levite priests.
(Ch 10) Here we have another list of people present and instructions for sacrifices. I wonder what God was doing all this time without sacrifices. He must have missed his smoked virgins.
(Ch 11) Everyone drew lots to see if they would live in Jerusalem or another city. The balance of this chapter is a list of people who moved into homes in Jerusalem. With the multi-millions of copies of the Bible printed, think of all the trees that could have been saved if they just left out all those worthless lists and duplicate stories.
(Ch 12) Another damn list. This time it is a list of priests and Levities and their temple jobs.
(Ch 13) According to The Book of the Law of Moses, the Ammonites and Moabites would never be welcomed by God because they did not welcome the Israelites with food and water when they first arrived. I don’t think God should blame them, considering what he and the Israelites had in mind. One does not welcome one’s executioners.
Eliashib was the priest in charge of the Temple chambers. He allowed his friend Tobiah to crash in one of the chambers. One day, Nehemiah came from Babylon on an inspection trip and found Tobiah living there. He hit the ceiling and threw out Tobiah and all his stuff. Then he had the chamber cleaned. He was very unhappy as he found many other things wrong.
The Levites were not given their meat from the sacrifices and the tithes were not being collected properly. Worst of all, people were working and doing business on the Sabbath. That was a capital offence. To top everything off, some people were still marrying outside the faith. Needless to say, Nehemiah saw to it that everything was rectified.
If you include The Book of Esther in the Bible, you might as well include the Book of Snow White. Like The Book of Ruth, it is strictly a secular story of fiction. After a few generations, people forgot that it was fiction and came to believe that it was a true story. The Jews even created a holiday based on this book. The fact that Esther was responsible for the deaths of over 75,000 people was not important.
It was used to justify the holiday of Purim, which actually predated the story of Esther. Jehovah was not even mentioned in the story. There was no reason for my repeating it because you can read it in your copy of the Old Testament. You do have a copy, don’t you?
How anyone can possibly think that this story is true is beyond reason. Scholars don’t think it is even a Jewish story. This guy Job was living the good life. Of all the people on Earth, God took special interest in him. One day, God and Satan were drinking coffee in a Starbucks in Heaven and having a conversation together like the old pals they were. In this book, Satan played the part of the Accuser, rather than the Devil. If you notice, God had to approve anything Satan did.
Satan told Him, “God, the only reason Job is loyal to you is because he has it so good. If I were to remove his wealth, family and friends, you can bet your ass that you would hear a different story from him.”
“OK, Satan. I’ll take that bet. You can do anything you want with him except kill him.” What kind of a god would allow one of his loyal followers to be tortured to prove his loyalty, even though God supposedly already knew in advance what the outcome would be? And what would God get if he won the bet? He already owned everything anyway.
Just to win the bet, Satan, with God’s permission, killed all of Job’s employees and children. That’s quite extreme just to win a bet. On top of that, Satan gave Job boils all over his body. All this, if true, would prove God’s lack of value of the life of humans. And we worry about flakes of skin cells being cloned.
Job remained loyal, but he asked, “God, why are you allowing this to happen to me?”
God answers, “Job! You know better than that. No one is supposed to question what I do. I know things that nobody on Earth can understand. But I’ll forgive you this time because you helped me win my bet with Satan. And to show you what a good god I am, I am going to give you back everything you lost and more.” Job’s poor wife had to produce and raise all those children again. God not only tortures Job for the fun of it, he insults him.
What a story to teach kids in Sunday Schools. The moral they teach is, “If anything goes wrong, it’s just God testing you.” Why does God need to test you if he already knows the answers?
The Psalms are a collection of prayers or praises to God, asking him for his forgiveness or for prosperity. If you want to read them, just see one of the Bible translations. However, I will mention a couple. Psalms 22 contains the sentence Matthew plagiarized “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” He also copied the bit about the guards casting lots for JC's clothes.
If you read Psalm 38, you might think that David came down with a bad case of an STD.
If you still don’t think that Jehovah wasn’t just a mythical tribal war god of a savage people, read the ending of Psalms 137, “Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.” So much for God loving innocent children.
This is just a bunch of sayings like Benjamin Franklin used to write and publish. Some are in use today in different forms. An example is: “Spare the rod and spoil the child.”
This is probability the most logical book in the Bible and could have been written today. It was supposed to have been written by Solomon. It is my favorite book in the Bible. Its main theme is, “Eat, drink and be merry as you don’t know what will happen tomorrow.” I could live with that. At the end, it’s obvious someone else added, “Be sure to obey God,” to make the book more palatable. That is the only time God is mentioned in the book.
This book comes close to being pornographic. It’s very beautiful and has nothing to do with God or moral living. It’s about a dark-skinned girl who was in love and waiting to get laid. It even has some double entendres. This is further proof that the compilers of the OT didn’t care what they included in the book.
There’s not much of a story in Isaiah. It is full of preaching and prophesying. It starts out with God bitching to the Jews about how sinful they were and how they didn’t obey him.
(Ch 1) He called them whores and said he refused to accept their sacrifices and fasting but was open for negotiations. He described all the terrible things he would do to them if they didn’t repent.
(Ch 2) Isaiah had a vision in which Jerusalem became the most important place on earth. All the nations of the world would go there to learn the ways of God, who would settle international disputes and all wars would end. Dream on.
God chastised the Jews for dealing with foreigners and letting themselves be influenced by their magic and idols. He spewed out more threats of what he was going to do to them. I don't see why Christians follow the OT as it is obvious that God is xenophobic.
(Ch 3) He continued with threats of one disaster after another. He made a Pentecostal minister sound like a monk. But Isaiah slipped in one sentence that stated the godly would have their reward. He ended by really letting the women have it. He said God would cover them with scabs and make them bald-headed.
(Ch 4) According to Isaiah, God said there would be so few men left that seven women would have to marry one man to ensure they would not be old maids. Then he turned around and said that in the future, everything will be great for those who survive.
(Ch 5) Next we have a song about how God grew a vineyard but the grapes were sour. The balance of the chapter was another long tirade by God.
(Ch 6) Isaiah was having some kind of a weird dream of flying seraphim. The word “seraphim” is actually plural and seraphim are mythical creatures with six wings that guard God’s throne. They are related to cherubim, other mythical creatures that guarded the Garden of Eden and were represented by statues on top of the Ark. In the dream, Isaiah received his calling to preach and prophesy. The chapter ends with more tirades against the Jews.
(Ch 7) Isaiah preached against King Ahaz and predicted the kings of Aram and Israel would be coming against Judah. He predicted Israel would be destroyed in 65 years.
Now comes a very important part. This is one of the parts that is misquoted to justify Jesus being the Messiah. This is the quote that Matthew gives in the New Testament.
God sent a message to King Ahaz, “Ask me for a sign, Ahaz, to prove that I will crush your enemies as I have promised. Ask for anything you like, and make it as difficult as you want.”
But the king refused. “No,” he said. “I wouldn’t test the Lord like that.”
Then Isaiah said, “All right then. The Lord himself will choose the sign. Look! The virgin will conceive a child! (the correct translation for virgin is young woman) She will give birth to a son and will call him Immanuel. By the time this child is old enough to eat curds and honey, he will know enough to choose what is right and reject what is wrong.
“But before he knows right from wrong, the two kings you fear so much – the kings of Israel and Aram – will be dead.” Isaiah went on to say that God was putting a curse on his family and the land of Judah.
(Ch 8) Isaiah impregnated his wife and had a son. God told Isaiah, “Before your son is old enough to talk, the king of Assyria will invade Damascus and Samaria. Then, as Judah had rejected my ‘gentle care’ the Assyrians will submerge Immanuel’s land.” Now does that sound like a prophecy for Jesus’ coming when you read the whole thing?
(Ch 9) Isaiah wrote that although Israel would be humbled, Judah would have all kinds of good things happening to it. There are a number of primitive religions that predict someone will come and set everything right, and the Jews were not left out. The following is another quote from Isaiah that is often used as proof that Jesus was the Messiah:
“For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. And the government will rest on his shoulders. These will be his royal titles: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father and Prince of Peace. His ever expanding, peaceful government will never end. He will rule forever with fairness and justice from the throne of his ancestor David. The passionate commitment of the Lord Almighty will guarantee this.”
If you really analyze this passage, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see it doesn’t come close to representing Jesus. The government never rested on Jesus’ shoulders. Those titles were given to him by Christians after he died. There never was a peaceful government and all governments end. He did not rule from the throne of David and he never was David’s descendant as you will see when I get to the New Testament.
God has broken his word a number of times. Matthew was grasping at straws in quoting this passage. Luke was a little more skeptical. Like most theists, he had the answer and was trying to twist the facts to justify it.
(Ch 10) Isaiah predicted the destruction of Israel and Judah by the Assyrians and then he predicted the destruction of Assyria. It’s easy to make predictions when you write them down later. It was also easier when the only predictions that are recognized are the ones that came true.
(Ch 11) More messianic predictions. “Out of the stump of David’s family will grow a shoot . . . ” He predicted that when the Messiah comes, there will be no violence and “the wolf and the lamb will live together.” The following passage shows that this prediction was made for a Messiah in their near future and not in Jesus’ time, Isaiah said, “The nations of the world will rally to him . . . the Lord will bring back a remnant of his people for the second time, returning them from Assyria, Lower Egypt, Upper Egypt, Ethiopia, Elam, Babylonia, Hamath, and all the distant coastal lands.” Did Jesus do any of that?
(Ch 12 & 13) We start with a short prayer followed by Isaiah prophesying that Babylon would be destroyed. Isaiah also predicted no one would ever live there again, that “Nomads will refuse to camp there, and shepherds will not allow their sheep to stay overnight.” The people living there now would disagree with this prediction just like the residents of Jericho.
(Ch 14) Isaiah taunted Babylon and said that Judah will be God’s special people again. He goes on to say that Assyria, Philistia, and Moab will also be destroyed. That one might have come true.
(Ch 15, 16, 17, 18 & 19) First was a lament about Moab, how Damascus would be destroyed, how Ethiopia would be destroyed and last, about the destruction of Egypt. Egypt was never destroyed.
(Ch 20) God told Isaiah to take off his clothes and walk about naked. I can’t see how this computes, but God said that somehow this is a symbol of how Egyptians and Ethiopians would walk around naked and barefoot with their butts showing. Kinky!
(Ch 21, 22 and 23) Isaiah got a stomach ache just thinking about what was happening to Babylon. He said very few of the archers who fled into Arabia would survive the year. Isaiah also said Jerusalem would be under siege and the king of Sheba would be dethroned. Finally he predicted that Tyre, in today’s Lebanon, would fall but come back to life in 70 years. These predictions were easy to make because they were made after the fact.
(Ch 24) Isaiah said God was going to destroy the world. He would imprison the fallen angels in Heaven and the rulers on Earth and put them on trial. God would mount his throne on Mount Zion and rule in Jerusalem. Isaiah was getting a little carried away here.
(Ch 25, 26 & 27) Isaiah said after all this destruction, God was going to make a feast with all kinds of good food and wine for everyone who was left in the world, but he would crush Moab. God is going to have a difficult time crushing Moab as it disappeared centuries ago.
Then came a song of praise for God, who killed a dragon and the people of Israel were to come back. I wonder if he meant Judah, as Israel never came back. And God would have to create a dragon before he could kill it.
(Ch 28, 29 & 30) There was much to be more destruction but Isaiah said that for those who followed God, “The moon will be as bright as the sun, and the sun will be seven times brighter – like the sun of seven days.” Can you imagine what this would do to global warming?
(Ch 31) Isaiah said they should not look to Egypt for help and God would protect Jerusalem. However, everyone should throw away their gold and silver idols.
Because Jehovah had scribes who wrote down things, I imagine that some of the other gods had their own scribes. Of course, the conquering religion destroys the literature of the conquered as the Catholics did to the Cathars, Gnostics, Aztecs and others. Can you imagine what it would be like to be able to read some of those destroyed documents?
(Ch 32) Isaiah said a good king would come and rule wisely over Israel. I wonder if he meant Golda Meir?
(Ch 33, 34 & 35) I’m going to skip over these chapters because there is nothing new in them but the same tirades and predictions of destruction.
(Ch 36) King Sennacherib of Assyria came to attack Judah. He sent a representative to the wall of Jerusalem to deliver a message to King Hezekiah of Judah. The messenger said in Hebrew that they didn’t have a chance with their puny army. King Hezekiah’s officials on the wall suggested to the envoy, “Talk to us in Aramaic so the people on the wall won’t hear.” I think we already covered this earlier in Second Kings so I’ll skip ahead.
(Ch 37) The king tore his clothes and sent a delegation of high officials to Isaiah to ask him to have God save them. Isaiah answered them saying, “Don’t sweat it. I will send a phony message from Assyria telling the king that he is needed back home.” Isaiah sent back a message in the form of a poem that said for the next two years everyone would eat only what grows wild. On the third year they would plant and harvest crops. All the survivors of the siege would flourish and multiply.
The king of Assyria went home and was killed by two of his sons while he was praying and a third son, Esarhaddon, became the new king.
(Ch 38) Hezekiah became sick and Isaiah went to visit him. Isaiah told him that God said he wasn’t going to get well. Hezekiah started crying and so God gave him five more years. I wondered why this all sounded so familiar, I went back and found it was an exact repeat of Chapters 19 and 20 in Second Kings. Somebody was guilty of plagiarizing. But if those who believe that the Bible is the exact word of God as he dictated, this would mean God was plagiarizing himself.
(Ch 39) This was a repeat of part of Chapter 20 in II Kings where Hezekiah showed off all his valuables to emissaries from the king of Babylon and Isaiah told him that he was going to lose everything.
(Ch 40) Isaiah said God was coming and all kinds of good things were going to happen. He said how great God was and how he heard their troubles. If that were true, God didn’t do much about it.
(Ch 41) Isaiah rationalized because he knew that no one could stop the Babylonians from conquering other kingdoms. He said that Jehovah was behind it all and to not only do what God wanted but also not to worry because he was on their side.
(Ch 42) In the first part, God said he would tell the Israelites the future. He said in a poem that he would lead Israel down a new path. If God had really known the future, he must have known that Israel would disappear as a country. In the last part of the chapter, Isaiah said that the reason God was responsible for all their troubles was to punish them for not following him.
Do you want to know why Jehovah was always called upon during times of war? As soon as there was peace, everyone went back to Baal and the female fertility goddesses because Jehovah was not the only god around. Fertility of crops and women were very important in ancient societies. Jehovah was just their macho war god. But Jehovah’s priests wanted a monopoly on the whole god thing.
(Ch 43) God told them he owned them and not to be afraid as he would handle everything. He told them he would bring back all of them and their children from the four corners of the Earth. Even though God may have created everything, he didn’t know his geography very well. We now know the Earth is round and doesn’t have any corners.
In the rest of the chapter, God brags to the Israelites about how he will send another army to fight the Babylonians so they will be free. Then he told them all the good things he was going to do for them. What a con job.
(Ch 44 & 45) Just more of the usual bullshit – Jehovah was great and was going to do right by his chosen people whom he always abused. He then said that Cyrus had been appointed by him to punish those who argue with their creator. Hebrews in those days must have been quite schizophrenic.
(Ch 56) I thought that God only liked men who had no parts missing. In this chapter, God says he likes eunuchs. Well, they did make good castratos in church choirs.
(Ch 65) I think we will just skip ahead because all the rest is all the same with God bragging, threatening, condemning, promising great things, etc. The only reason I pause at this point is that God said other people wanted him. He told them, “I’m here!” I think that he should have known better than that if he thought he could make the Hebrews jealous. He told them he was making a new Heaven and a new Earth which everyone would like. He could get a part on one of those reality home makeover shows. I wonder if he used Feng Shui when he remodeled Heaven.
God said, the infant death syndrome will be a thing of the past and everyone will live a normal life without their lives being cut short. “The lamb will eat with the wolf rather than being the main course and the lion will eat straw.” If God were going to make the lion a vegan, he should at least let him eat vegetables. Straw doesn’t have many nutrients.
(Ch 66) The end the book has more promises of good stuff and threats of bad stuff. On one hand, God had them taken away and on the other hand, he promised to bring them all back. This never happened.
Before Jeremiah was even born, God already knew him and planned to make him his prophet. I’ve never known a fetus before.
(Ch 1) Jeremiah started preaching when he was very young. God told him, “Jeremiah, I want you to tell the people that they have sinned and I am going to punish them. Don’t be afraid of them and do what I say or I’ll really give you something to be afraid of.”
Jeremiah said, “I’m too young for all this but, what the hell, I’ll give it a shot anyway.”
(Ch 2) God gave him a long sermon haranguing the people about how they had sinned against him. He told Jeremiah that no nation had ever changed their gods, but the Jews had. The concept of just one god without a physical presence was too modern for savages like them to understand.
Jeremiah Makes False Prediction
(Ch 3) Jeremiah made a prediction that never came true. How many times have people told you that every prediction in the Bible came true? Except for a few exceptions, the scribes only wrote down the ones that did come true and many predictions were made after the fact. Jeremiah predicted that both Israel and Judah would return after the exile and live happily ever after. God said that he never fulfilled his promise because they sinned. If he knew in advance that they would sin, why did he make a promise in the first place when he knew he couldn’t keep? I know: “Only God knows.”
(Ch 4) God threatened and cried for his people and Jeremiah had a vision of the country being destroyed.
(Ch 5) God told Jeremiah, “Look all over the city. If you find just one person who is just and honest, I will spare the city.” Why would God, who created the whole universe with trillions of trillions of stars, worry about what a measly little tribe would do?
Jeremiah told God, “What can you expect? They are too stupid to know what you want.”
God replied, “OK. I won’t wipe out everyone but, mark my word: terrible things are going to happen.”
(Ch 6) Jer uses a metaphor of the Jews being like a pretty girl. She commits a number of abominations and then he trashes her.
(Ch 7) Here is more proof that sacrificing humans was more prevalent in those days than the scribes wanted you to know. Jer accuses the Jews of sacrificing their children on altars they build on high mountains. This is so God could smell the burnt flesh better.
Because of the ancient customs and the customs of their neighbors, many Israelites sacrificed their children to Jehovah. It probably wasn't forbidden until the books were rewritten during the exile.
(Ch 8, 9, 10) The rest is the same old bullshit, so we will just skip ahead. The only thing of interest here is that God puts down astrology saying, “Do not act like other nations who try to read their future in the stars.” Does this mean that you can’t believe in the Bible and believe in astrology at the same time like former President Reagan’s wife, Nancy?
(Ch 11) God said that Judah and Jerusalem broke the deal he had made with their forefathers and that they would have to suffer the consequences. There was a plot to kill Jeremiah to stop him from preaching, but Jeremiah predicted that none of the plotters would survive.
(Ch 12) Jeremiah asked, “God, why do bad people do so well? You should slaughter them all.” That’s a good question. I’ve wondered about that myself. The Wall Street bankers don’t seem to be suffering much for what they did to the country.
God answered, “If racing against mere men makes you tired, how will you race against horses?” Does anyone have an idea of what this meant? I was hoping for a little clarification here. God also said he would uproot everyone who tried to take over their inheritance but he would come back later and have compassion for all of them.
(Ch 13) Here is another impossible thing. Of course it had to be a metaphor but it doesn’t say that. Even as a metaphor it would be stupid. God told Jeremiah, “Buy a cloth belt and put it on without washing it. Then go to the Euphrates river and put it in a hole in a rock. Then wait a long time and go back and get it.” The Euphrates river ran hundreds of miles through enemy territory. With an army poised to attack, I don’t think Jeremiah had the time for such a long journey. If he really wanted to go through with this charade, why didn’t he just use the Jordan river?
Supposedly, when Jeremiah went back hundreds of miles to get the belt, he found it mildewed and falling apart. That’s a long way to go to get a rotten belt. God told him, “This is how I will rot away the pride of Judah and Jerusalem.”
Furthermore, God said, “I will make the people so confused that they will seem drunk. They will smash against each other, even the children. And I will not let my compassion keep me from destroying them.” What compassion?
(Ch 14 & 15) If this all weren’t enough, God created another drought. He told Jeremiah, “Stop praying for those schmucks. And you can tell them that I won’t listen to any of their prayers, and I won’t smell any of their burnt offerings. All I’m going to give them is war, famine, and disease. Even if Moses and Samuel stood in from of me and pleaded for them, I still wouldn’t help them. If they come back to me, I will keep them from being conquered.
“But don’t worry, Jeremiah, you’re a good guy and I like you. I’ll make sure you are well taken care of. If you return from captivity, I’ll take you back and make you my official prophet.” Notice that God said, “if.” That means even God didn’t know. Maybe the Israelites should have looked for a new god.
(Ch 16) God told Jeremiah that he shouldn’t marry, because if he did and had children, they would all die of diseases. He also told Jeremiah not to go to any funerals or have anything to do with the people. “I’ll show those bastards my power and might. At last they will know that I am the Lord.”
(Ch 17) There is just more of the same ranting. He told Jeremiah what to tell the Jews not to do on the Sabbath. You would think they had more important things to worry about than going over the Sabbath rules again.
(Ch 18) God reversed himself and told Jeremiah to go and tell his people of all the disasters he was planning. But the people told Jeremiah not to waste his breath. and that they would live the way they wanted to. Jeremiah told God, “Those bullies are spreading lies about me and planning to kill me. Take care of them for me, will you?”
(Ch 19) God told Jeremiah to take a jar and smash it in from of them to show what he was going to do to them. Oooooh! That must have had them quaking in their sandals.
(Ch 20) Now we have some action in the story. The head priest, Pashhur, was tired of Jeremiah’s BS so he had him whipped and put in stocks. When he was released the next day, he told the priest, “That was naughty. I’m going to call you `The Man Who Lives in Terror’ because you are going to watch all your friends being killed.” They must have thought that Jeremiah was some kind of a kook because they didn’t take him seriously.
Jeremiah complained, “God, they are passing rumors about me again and calling me, `The Man Who Lives in Terror.’ My friends say they will report me to the authorities if I keep talking. I am so depressed. I want you to kill the man who told my father that he had a son, because he didn’t kill me.” That was a long way around saying that you wish you had never been born.
(Ch 21) King Zedekiah of Judah asked his priests to ask God for a miracle. Jeremiah told the priests that if they left the city and surrendered, they would not be killed. God said, “I have decided not to destroy the city but just give it to Nebuchadnezzar to burn. You can thank me later.”
(Ch 22) God told the king how he should rule and then told him he was going to destroy his palace. How was he going to rule without a palace? The rest of the chapter was a lament on the fate of the king and his sons.
(Ch 23) God issued another false prophecy saying he would bring them all back and a descendant of David would rule. Didn’t happen.
(Ch 24 & 25) Nebuchadnezzar took Jehoiakim’s son, Jehoiachin, to Babylon along with all the leaders and skilled workers. God compared them to figs and told a boring fig story. Then there were just more threats.
(Ch 26) No one liked the things Jeremiah told them which Jehovah told him to proclaim, and he was arrested and put on trial. They wanted to kill him but evidently he had some powerful supporters for protectors.
(Ch 27 & 28) Just more threats from God and the prophet Hananiah predicted that in two years Nebuchadnezzar would lose his power, the Temple treasures, and the people would return. Jeremiah told him that he hoped it was true, but the only way to tell if a prophet was from God was if his prophecies came true. And, of course, only the prophets from God are recorded in the Bible. Jeremiah told Hananiah that God would kill him and he died later that year.
(Ch 29) Jeremiah sent a letter to the Jews in Babylon and told them to settle down, that in 70 years God would bring them back. That had to have been inserted after the fact.
(Ch 30 & 31) God told them in a poem that the Jews would return. He said he loved them and he would rebuild their nation. He told them all the good things he was going to do for them. I guess this was tough love.
(Ch 32 & 33) He repeated that he was going to have Nebuchadnezzar conquer them and then burn down the city. Jeremiah bought a field to prove his faith that God would have them return. With everyone leaving, he must have gotten it dirt cheap. Then there is just more of the same old stuff.
(Ch 34) Jeremiah told King Zedekiah that God said he would not be killed but sent to Babylon. The next part said that Zedekiah and the people of Jerusalem promised to let their Hebrew slaves go, but then they changed their minds. This pissed off God and it was one of the reasons he was going to have Nebuchadnezzar do his dirty work. God wasn’t against slavery, just Hebrew slavery.
(Ch 35) You can tell that much of this stuff isn’t in chronological order. Now we are in the time when Jehoiakim was King of Judah. Jeremiah talked to the Rechabite clan. They were still nomads, obeying Jehovah and living in tents. God rewarded them by promising that they would always have a male descendant.
(Ch 36) Jeremiah dictated everything he said to his secretary, Baruch, and had him write it down on a scroll. Then he told him, “As I’m not allowed in the Temple anymore, I want you to read this aloud. I especially want you to read it to some of the king’s officials.” When Baruch read it to them, he was warned that he and Jeremiah should hide.
As the scroll was read to the king, he cut off some and burned it. Then he ordered Jeremiah and Baruch to be arrested. However, they couldn’t be found. When they rewrote the scroll, they added the fact that King Jehoiakim would not have any descendants occupy the throne.
(Ch 37) Nebuchadnezzar made Zedekiah, the son of Josiah, the king of Judah. But the king and all the people would still not listen to Jeremiah. Then the Egyptian army showed up at the border to help and the Babylonian army took off. God told Jeremiah, “Don’t be fooled. After the Egyptians leave, the Babylonian army will return and burn Jerusalem to the ground. I don’t care if only a handful are left; they will still burn the city to the ground. I have spoken.”
When Jeremiah went to visit the property he bought, he was arrested for trying to defect to the enemy, flogged, and thrown into a dungeon. The king had Jeremiah brought to the palace in secret so no one would know he was talking with Jeremiah. He asked, “Do you have any messages from the Lord for me?”
“Why yes. It just happens that I do. God said you will be defeated and handed over to the Babylonians. Now where are the other prophets who told you that the Babylonians would never attack?”
Jeremiah Commits Treason
(Ch 38) The priests got very upset when they heard that Jeremiah was still telling everyone that if they would surrender to the Babylonians, they would be saved. However, everyone who stayed would die of famine. This was treason. They got the king to let them throw Jeremiah into an empty cistern with a lot of mud at the bottom into which Jeremiah sank.
Then a friendly palace official told Zed, “Your majesty. Some low-lifers have thrown the prophet Jeremiah into a well where he is going to die of starvation.” It sounded as if the king was a bit wishy-washy when he had Jeremiah pulled out and put into the palace prison. Again the king asked Jeremiah’s advice but told him not to tell anyone that he had talked with him.
Nebuzaradan Takes Jerusalem
(Ch 39) The hammer dropped: the city was taken. Zed tried to escape with his staff but they were captured. The Babylonians killed his sons and staff and put out Zed’s eyes. Nebuzaradan, the commanding general, took all the educated and skilled Jews to Babylon but, left the poor, giving them the fields and vineyards. The general ordered that Jeremiah not be harmed, and he was allowed to stay with the people who remained.
(Ch 40 & 41) Nebuzaradan gave Jeremiah the choice of going to Babylon joining Gedaliah, the new governor of Judah. Jeremiah joined Gedaliah. Many of the Jews who were living in the surrounding countries returned to Judah. However, Gedaliah was murdered by some Jewish soldiers who had escaped.
(Ch 42 & 43) Jeremiah told the soldiers, “God told me that you should stay in Judah as the Babylonians wanted us to.” However, the soldiers had killed the governor, they were afraid. Disobeying God, they forced Jeremiah, and the other Jews who were with him to escape to Egypt with them.
(Ch 44 & 45) God threatened to kill them, but they wouldn’t listen and started to worship other gods. God said few would survive to return. God told Jeremiah to have Baruch write all this down and not to worry because God would take care of both of them.
(Ch 46) Under the rule of Jehoiakim, the Babylonians defeated the Egyptian army. There is a long poem and then God said he would rescue the Jews. First he wanted to destroy of them and then he wanted to rescue them. If you find that I do not spell the kings all the same, it is because I am using two Bibles along with my written notes, and different Bibles translations do not translate the Hebrew words the same.
(Ch 47, 48 & 49) There is a poem about the destruction of the Philistines by the Babylonians and another long poem and story about the destruction of Moab. Then more about the destruction of other cities and countries. Evidently God wasn’t just punishing the Jews, so Jeremiah gloated over the destruction of his neighbors.
(Ch 50 & 51) We now skip ahead a bit to the time God told Jeremiah how he was going to destroy Babylon with the Medes. He launched a long tirade against the Babylonians and told the people of Judah and Israel they should all return home. Of course, by now the Israelites have been assimilated and the Judeans were staying where they were for the time being.
(Ch 52) We switch back in time to the final chapter, when Zedekiah was the king. Zedekiah was evil and rebelled against the Babylonians. You have already heard the story about how General Nebuchadnezzar took Jerusalem and exiled the Jews, so I won’t go into all that again. The book ends with King Evilmerodach as the new ruler of Babylon. He allowed the former King Jehoiachin, his eyes poked out, to eat at his table.
Lamentations is just a bunch of sad poems lamenting the fall of Judah and the people begging God to forgive them and restore them to their former glory.
In Babylon Ezekiel was living in exile sometime between the two times the Babylonians attacked Judah.
(Ch 1) He saw a lot of strange visions that he interpreted as messages from God. Most of them had the same old themes of obeying Jehovah, don’t worship other gods, obey his laws, etc. Nowadays we call them schizophrenics; in those days they were called prophets.
(Ch 2) God ordered Ezekiel to become a prophet. Then he told him to eat a scroll, and then preach to the people what was written on it. I wish I could just eat a book and tell what it was all about without having to take the time to read it. I could really devour knowledge. I can eat anything if I put enough catsup on it.
(Ch 3 & 4) Here is something really strange. God makes Ezekiel mute, confines him to a room, and ties him up with a rope. Then he made him act out the siege of Jerusalem. He had to lie on his left side for 390 days and suffer the guilt of Israel. Then he had to lie on his right side for 40 days for Judah. His food and water were rationed and he had to eat bread baked on a fire of human shit. I know, “dung, excrement, feces” or “waste” are much politer words, but “shit” is much stronger. Not a bad diet in the middle of a siege.
Ezekiel told God, “But Lord, I never eat anything that is unclean. And I don’t have time to lie around for 430 days.”
God answered back, “OK, OK. Then you can burn cow chips instead. After all, poop is poop, no matter how you burn it.”
(Ch 5) God ordered Ezekiel, “Cut your hair, burn a third of it when the siege is over, chop up another third and scatter it outside the city, wrap some in your clothes, and finally, throw a few hairs into the fire. The fire will spread all over Israel.” This sounded more like witchcraft than religion. God said that this was to demonstrate what was going to happen to Israel. But if Ezekiel was in exile in Babylon, hadn’t the damage already been done?
God said, “Parents will eat their own kids, and kids will eat their parents.” In those days, when a place was under siege, people ate each other when they ran out of food. God went on to condemn the worship of idols and described what he was going to do if they didn’t stop. It ain’t nice.
(Ch 6, 7 & 8) More punishment promised and another strange vision.
(Ch 9. 10, 11, 12 &13) More punishment and another strange vision. Then the vision was combined with a message for the exiles, and a promise to bring them back. Ezekiel denounced false prophets. If you remember, a false prophet was one whose prophecies didn’t come true.
If a prophet was deceived, it was because God deceived him. Why would God want to deceive his own prophet? If you can’t even believe your own God, who can you believe? You had better get your prophecies right the first time, or make them like those of Nostradamus – so obscure that they can be interpreted any way you want.
(Ch 14, 15, & 16) Breezing right along, God again told the Hebrews what he was going to do to them if they worshiped idols. Then there was an obscure parable comparing a grapevine to a tree. After that, God really got down and dirty and called the people whores and sluts. (Sluts do it for free. Only women are sluts as men are just being men.) God went into another tirade about what he was going to do to them. He was downright insulting.
(Ch 17 thru 22) Some parables, a sermon, a poem, and then God gave a long sermon about all the great things he had done for the Hebrews. He never mentioned all the bad things he did to them. Ezekiel told the people how God was going to demolish Jerusalem and warned them about the Babylonians. Then there was a list of all the sins the Hebrews had committed and how God was going to punish them.
(Ch 23) A parable about two sisters (the cities of Samaria and Jerusalem) who became prostitutes. One sister lusted after horny men who were hung like donkeys and shot loads like those of stallions. This is not one of the parables they teach in Sunday school. God told more disgusting things about what the whores and sluts did and their subsequent punishments. This book belongs in a porno collection, not a church.
(Ch 24) Ezekiel predicted the siege of Jerusalem. This was easy to do after the fact. God killed Ezekiel’s wife and told him not to mourn her. God orders a lewd woman (a metaphor for Jerusalem) put into a pot and boiled into scum.
(Ch 25 thru 32) God, through Ezekiel, predicted what was going to happen to the other countries around Jerusalem. One prediction he made that did not come true was that Nebuchadnezzar would conquer Egypt. That would make him a false prophet.
(Ch 33 & 34) Ezekiel told the people that when a city was in danger of being attacked, they hired a watchman to keep watch and warn them. Ezekiel said God made him the watchman. How he could be a watchman for Jerusalem when he lived in Babylon?
(Ch 36 thru 37) God denounced Edom and blessed Israel and promised to restore the people. After more prophecies, God said he was going to restore the Israelites. We know that was never going to happen. So much for an infallible God.
(Ch 38 & 39) God denounced King Gog of Magog and told how he was going to punish the Magogalites. He predicted they would be defeated and the Israelites would be restored. He must have obliterated the Magogalites as I never heard of them after that.
(Ch 40 thru 48) In the last chapter, Ezekiel went into detail about how the Temple would be rebuilt and described how the rules of worship should be followed. Then he described how the land would be divided. Of course, it would have to be taken back from the poor Jews and the others left behind.
He didn’t say what he was going to do about the missing Israelites who had been assimilated by the Assyrians earlier. He was still under the delusion that they were going to reappear. This never happened, unless you are a Mormon who believes that the missing tribes of Israel are the American Indians. The Hebrews weren’t the only ones who were delusional.
This story began after Nebuchadnezzar defeated Judah and transplanted the educated Jews to Babylon.
(Ch 1) Nebuchadnezzar had some of the sons of the upper-class Jews trained for service in his court. They were educated in the language and customs of their new country. They became vegetarians so they would not have to break Jewish dietary rules.
(Ch 2) The king had a dream that bothered him, and he ordered his advisors to interpret it. Not only that, they had to tell him the dream itself. He said if they didn’t interpret it, they would all be killed. Daniel, was renamed Belteshazzar (but we will continue to call him Daniel). Dan told them not to worry because he would interpret the dream and, therefore, save all their lives.
Daniel told the king what his dream was and his interpretation of it. He also told Nebuchadnezzar what was going to happen in the future after he was dead. The king was so impressed that he put Daniel and his three friends in charge of all the provinces of Babylon.
(Ch 3) Later, Nebuchadnezzar had a big gold idol made and ordered everyone to pray to it or be thrown into a fiery pit. It doesn’t say where Daniel was but his three friends were saved from the fire by an angel. After that, they were all promoted to governors.
(Ch 4) Neb has another weird dream and Daniel, a.k.a. Belteshazzar, translated it for him. It ended up with Neb going nuts and walking around eating grass and letting his grooming go to seed. After a while, he came to his senses and praised Jehovah.
(Ch 5) Although there was no mention of Neb dying, his son, Belshazzar, must have come into power. He threw a big party and had the caterers bring out the gold dinnerware taken from the Temple. This pissed off God and, with only his hand showing, he wrote all over the wall. This was the first graffiti-tagging recorded and it was even more difficult to read.
The writing on the wall scared the shit out of the king and his knees started to knock together. None of his astrologers and other wise men could translate it, so his wife recommended Belteshazzar. Daniel told the king that he shouldn’t have used God’s dishes for his party. Now his kingdom would be finished.
(Ch 6) Darius took over and made Dan the big cheese after him. This didn’t sit well with the other princes. They set him up and tricked Darius to reluctantly condemn Daniel, and throw him into the lion’s den full of a lot of ill-fed lions.
To make a long story short, Jehovah closed the lion’s mouths so they could not eat him. Dan walked out and Darius threw the other princes and their families in. It’s not only God who kills innocent children for the sins of their parents. This way, after the parents are dead, they don’t have to worry about welfare for the kids.
Darius ordered everyone in his kingdom to worship Jehovah. I’ve never heard of Babylon turning Jewish before.
(Ch 7) Another flashback to the time of King Belshazzar. I don’t see why the editor didn’t put this chapter with the other one about him. Maybe someone else wrote it and they stuck it at the end.
This time it is Dan’s turn to have a dream that was more like an acid trip than an ordinary dream. It is too complicated for a digested version. If you are still interested, you can go and read it for yourself in your family Bible.
(Ch 8) After Dan came out of the vision, he was sick for a few days. He must have had some bad peyote.
(Ch 9 thru 12) The rest of the book is full of more visions, prophecies, etc. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had enough for a while. I don’t want this book to turn out being as big as the Bible.
Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakuk, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, and Malachi
In these books are just a bunch of poems that God dictates through various prophets. God said what he was going to do to Israel, and then he would take pity on them, and then how he was going to make it up to them. If we are going to use the unfaithful wife metaphor, this sounds like a case of spousal abuse. This god needs to take a course in tolerance and anger management.
Hosea covered the period when Kings Uzziah, Jotham, Ahaz, and Hezekiah were rulers of Judah, and Jeroboam was king of Israel.
(Ch 1) God tells Hosea to take a prostitute for a wife so that the father of his children will be born from the seed other men planted. To make a point, God told Hosea to marry an adulterous wife with unfaithful children. Forcing someone to marry an adulteress was a strange way to make a point.
Hosea fathered a son, and Jehovah told Hosea to name him Jezreel. I don’t see the relationship, but God said he was going to punish the descendants of King Jehu for making a massacre at Jezreel. There must be more to this somewhere else, as normally God loves a good massacre. However, like many other documents mentioned in the Bible, the story was probably lost in antiquity.
Hosea also had a daughter and God told him to name her Lo-ruhamah to show that he no longer loved Israel. But God said he was going to save Judah. God didn’t look into his crystal ball and see that Judah wouldn’t be saved either. Another son was named Lo-ammi to reflect that Jehovah no longer was the god of Israel.
God made some confusing predictions. He said there would be so many Israelites that they couldn’t be counted. He also predicted Israel and Judah would unite under one leader. God missed the target again.
(Ch 2) God made a poor comparison between Israel and an adulterous wife and told what he was going to do to Israel. If Jehovah said he was no longer Israel’s god, why doesn’t he just leave them alone and pick out another “chosen people” instead of beating a dead horse?
(Ch 3 thru 14) Hosea made up with his wife, Gomer, who he bought for 15 shekels of silver and some barley. I see now why she was adulterous. From here to the end of the book are just a bunch of poems where God said how bad Israel was and what he was going to do to it.
More bullshit piled high and dried with more threats from God and then he promises that everything will be OK in the future.
Amos was a herdsman who had a gift of prophesy. One thing I found interesting was God told him that he would punish the Hebrews with clean teeth. Compared to some of the other punishments, that was pretty mild. However, scholars think this was a euphuism for hunger. In the Bible, it is sometimes difficult to tell whether the author is using a euphuism or means what he says.
This really short chapter isn't even about God threatening the Hebrews but about what he is going to do to the sons of Esau and the country of Edom his ancestors founded.
We all know the story about Jonah and the big fish known as the whale. It was probably written in 300 BCE and attributed back in time to the prophet Jonah in 780 BCE as a fairy tale for children. However, it evolved into an article of faith with the message that God was no longer territorially bound, so no one could get away from him.
God told Jonah to go to the city of Nineveh and save them from their wicked ways or he would destroy it. Nineveh wasn’t even a Jewish city but an enemy of the Jews most of the time. Jonah didn’t like the Ninevehites, so he hopped a freight ship and tried to get away from God. In those days most people thought gods were territorial and didn’t have any power outside their jurisdiction.
God didn’t take “no” for an answer and created a bad storm to put the ship in danger of sinking. God always took the long roundabout way of solving problems, and they usually involved punishing innocent people.
Although he didn’t worship the same god that Jonah did, the captain knew there was an angry god involved in this storm. In those days before science, everything was the fault of gods and spirits. First the captain had all the cargo thrown overboard. When that didn’t help, he asked everyone if they had offended any gods lately. Jonah told the sailors he was trying to escape from his god and it was probably his god who caused the storm.
With that, Jonah was thrown overboard to save the rest, and the storm abated. Can you imagine being on a cruise ship today and being thrown overboard because you offended a god?
But God didn’t want Jonah to die; he just wanted to teach him a lesson. As whales cannot physically swallow something as large as a human, God made this super-fish to swallow him. The fish must have been built with living quarters and enough resources to keep Jonah alive. I wonder how the bathroom facilities were.
While inside the super-fish, Jonah wrote the long prayer reproduced in his book. I wonder what he wrote it on. After three days, God decided Jonah had learned his lesson and had the fish regurgitate him onto dry land. God must have been getting soft; in the old days, instead of a fish, the earth would have swallowed Jonah.
Jonah reluctantly went to Nineveh and told all the people that if they didn’t change their wicked ways, in 40 days God was going to destroy them. Jonah must have been a powerful speaker, or maybe God helped him, because everyone believed him even though Jehovah wasn’t their god. The king of Nineveh, actually just a glorified mayor, ordered everyone to fast, tear their clothes, and put on gunny sacks.
God let them all live but Jonah was still pissed off that God didn’t just wipe them off the face of the earth. To see what would happen, he camped on a hill outside the city. It was very hot, so God caused a shade plant to grow overnight to keep Jonah cool. Then God sent a worm to kill the plant and then made a scorcher of a day.
Jonah was so miserable and angry that he wanted to die. God told him, “Jonah, why are you so concerned about this plant? You didn’t make it grow. Nineveh had more than 120,000 people and cattle. Why shouldn’t I be worried about them?” It doesn’t say if Jonah changed his mind.
It bothers me to acknowledge that I actually believed this story when I was a kid. I don’t understand how an educated person today could still believe this ancient fairy tale.
The following short books are just long poems with God ranting and raving through the voices of some minor prophets. Nothing worth reading.
I pass. Nothing of interest here.
God tells Nahum a metaphor for the city of Nineveh of Johanh fame, “I will lift up your dress so everyone can see your pussy. Then I will cover you with shit and show the world what a slut you are.” Or words to that effect.
You read one prophet, you've read ’em all.
We skip ahead to Judah during the second year of the rule of King Darius of Persia, nowadays called Iran. I’m glad that we standardized the way we keep track of the days. Otherwise, I would have been born the second year of the rule of President Truman. Or this book would have been copyrighted during the first year of the reign of President Obama. Every other country would have its own system. Some still do.
Haggai told Zerubbabel, the governor of Judah, that he was upset because they had built their houses, but God’s house remained in ruins. That got the people motivated and they started to rebuild the Temple.
Zechariah had some visions from God. They weren’t as wild as the ones in Daniel, but they did the job. They were about having the people follow God’s laws so they could return to Zion. God said he would bless Israel and destroy its enemies.
Zac said they will have a king who rides in on a donkey foal. Remember how I told you that the Hebrews would say the same thing in different ways in the same paragraph? This was what Matthew used to have JC entering Jerusalem on both a donkey and a donkey foal. Old Matt made a mistake as it would be rather awkward for JC to try riding both at the same time unless he were a circus rider.
God gave an example to Zac of a flock of sheep with Zac as the shepherd. God showed that if they rebelled against the shepherd, he would desert them and they would perish by lions. God said he would fight the enemies of Israel and he would become the king of the whole earth. The survivors would come to Jerusalem to worship him, but the ones who didn’t, wouldn’t get any rain.
The prophet Malachi said God told him he had loved Jacob but had hated Esau. He said even if the descendants of Esau rebuilt, he would demolish them again. God really carries a grudge to extremes. If we followed his example, when someone committed a crime, the police would not only arrest the whole family, they would arrest even the ones that hadn’t been born yet.
The Protestant version of the Old Testament ends with God saying, “Look, I am sending you the prophet Elijah before the great and dreadful day of the Lord’s arrival. His preaching will turn their hearts, but if it doesn’t, I’ll strike the land with a curse.” It doesn’t sound as if God was certain their hearts will be turned. Because of this, many of JC’s followers thought he was Elijah reincarnated, and others thought John the Baptist was. So, unless Elijah arrived incognito, this was just another empty prophecy.
Malachi is the last book in the Old Testament in the Protestant Bible. Catholics have a few more, but we won’t go into them as I’m sure you have had enough by now. However, between the Old and New Testaments, a large period of history was left out of the Bible.
Although recorded, it was left out because the Jews thought anything written after the Babylonian exile was no longer certified as the true word of God. Everything written afterwards was the work of man. God must have become fed up with the Jews and gave up on writing after that. Scholars think some of the books which were written after the cutoff date were predated so they would qualify.
The time between the two Testaments was long, and it could be a book by itself, but I’ll just give you a few of the high points. If you want to read more about this period, I recommend one of my favorite books, Isaac Asimov’s Guide to the Bible, Volume 2, The New Testament.
Alexander the Great defeated Darius, king of Persia and Medina in 333 BCE. Judah was one of the many nations that came with his victory. It was an exchange of one tyrant for another. The Jews were smarter this time and gave up without a fight.
Alexander died after ruling only 12 years. Before he died, he divided his empire between two of his generals. After all that work and the loss of many lives developing his dynasty, he split it up. It would have broken up anyway. Even the Roman Empire was too big for one man to rule in those days without electronic communications.
Antiochus, a descendant of the general who got Judah, attacked and conquered Egypt. Then he stripped the Jewish Temple of its gold and built a fort. He ordered everyone he ruled to abandon their local languages, customs, religions, and adapt to the Greek culture. Many died resisting.
For instance, in the Hellenistic era, the new king, Antiochus IV Epiphanes (175–165 B.C.E.) consolidated the empire of Alexander and, according to Tacitus, “endeavored to abolish Jewish superstition and to introduce Greek civilization.” The blood ritual of infant as well as adult foreskin circumcision had such a grip on the Jews that when Antiochus IV Epiphanes promulgated the humanitarian law against genital mutilation, rather than give up their grisly practice of penis clipping, the ringleaders of a revolt committed suicide at Masada – all over a little piece of foreskin.
The practice was continued in the US. First the church recommended it as a way to discouraging masturbation. That didn't work. Then they said it was for health reasons. But a little soap and water would take care of that. Then they said it was a way of preventing AIDS. But studies refute this. Let's face it. It is just a useless custom that desensitizes the penis.
The family of Mattathias rebelled and started a guerrilla war. Later, his son, Judas Maccabeus, became their leader. After lots of battles, lots of victories and some defeats, they captured Jerusalem. They almost lost it to the army of the Persians and the Medians because it was the year when, as mandated in the OT, they didn’t plant any crops and almost starved. However, the enemy had to leave because of internal problems. Before they left, they made a treaty with the Jews by which they could keep their customs but not their freedom.
The Jews feared the reputation of the Romans, and joined the Romans as allies. During a civil war, both sides appealed to General Pompey and Rome took over in 63 BCE. Pompey made Herod the king but under Roman authority. When Herod died, the kingdom was split among his three sons. They all had the family name of Herod, but they were Anipas, who ruled Galilee to the north, Philip, who ruled Iduma to the south and Archelaus, who ruled Judea and Samaria in the middle.
Before we start with the New Testament, there is one thing to keep in mind. The NT did not replace the OT. Jesus is quoted as saying that he did not come to rebuke the OT but to fulfill it. He also quotes the OT as being correct. If the god of the NT is nicer than the god of the OT, he must have reformed himself.
If Jesus existed, he wasn’t anything like described, and most, if not all, the stories about him are not true. Jesus was mentioned only twice in documents other than the Bible. One mention by Josephus, the Jewish historian of the time, was forged and added later. Another, in a Roman document, was second-hand, quoting someone else.
Why would I say something like this? Because the stories in the four gospels are taken from those of other gods, especially Mithra.
Mithra:
Other gods with similar stories are: Horus, Attis, Buddha, Krishna, Adonis (Tammuz), the Roman god Quirinus, the Mexican god Quetzalcoatl, and Indra. In those days, to be taken seriously as gods, they had to be born of virgins, and most were crucified and resurrected. Gods were a dime a dozen in those days.
It’s too complicated to explain why there are so many similarities – it would take another book. But I will tell you it had to do with ancient astrology – 12 tribes, 12 apostles, 12 months, etc. For more details and some dirty verses from both of the Testaments, go to http://www.biblical-illumination.org.
Translation Errors and Forgeries
Did you know that there are many translation errors and forgeries in the Bible? You just can't trust a Christian. Many believed so strongly that a little thing like proof wouldn't hold them back. And a little tampering with the text is all for a good cause.
I'll just tell you about a couple of the most important. In Luke 3:22, God is supposed to have said: “You are my son whom I love.” What was originally written was, “You are my son, today have I begotten thee.” This means Jesus was not a god at birth, but he was not a god until he was baptized.
In Matthew 16:18, JC tells Peter that he is the rock that they church will be built on. The only problem with that is the text does not match the rest of Matthew. Some of the words were not used until after JC's time.
There are too many for this for this book but if you want to know more, go to http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_bibl.htm or http://www.Biblical-Illumination.org.
The Gospel of Matthew probably wasn’t written by someone named Matthew and definitely not the Matthew. The Jews had a habit of naming books, not by the author, but after some famous prophet or person. Because of the description of the destruction of the Temple, it is thought that the book was written sometime after 70 AD. This makes it highly unlikely that it was written by the Apostle Matthew. It is also thought by most historians that the first book of the Bible was the book of Mark. Matthew contains most of Mark plus additional information.
Matthew is the most Jewish of the four Gospels. The author of Matthew included a lot of dubious material that was supposed to make it seem as though Jesus was a fulfillment of OT prophecies of the Messiah. The author tried to twist facts to make it appear as if JC fit the prototype even, if the prophecies obviously didn’t fit.
Mary (real name Miriam, the same as Moses’ sister) was alleged to have been impregnated by the Holy Spirit or by Joseph before she was married — you can’t have it both ways. Either way, Jesus was a bastard. And if it weren’t the spook that did the deed, he still wasn’t related to King David. Mary was a Levite, her sister was a Levite, so her uncle had to be a Levite. If her uncle was a Levite, then Mary’s father was a Levite. David was not a Levite. The Hebrews in those days, usually married within their own tribes, Thus, Joseph was probably a Levite – that is if you believe what was written in the Bible.
The Messiah was supposed to be a human king, not a god-preacher. Without Paul, Christianity would have been just another obscure Jewish cult, one among many. There were a number of wandering preachers who also claimed to be the Messiah.
(Ch 1:1) This genealogy doesn’t match any of the others in the Bible, neither in the OT nor the NT. And none of them match each other.
The Virgin Birth
(Ch 1:18-24) Only Matthew and Luke record the story of JC’s birth. Mary, who was engaged to Joseph, found that she was pregnant before they were married. Soon an angel appeared to Joseph and told him not to worry, that the Holy Spirit knocked her up, and he should claim the baby as his. To justify this, the angel quoted some text in the OT by someone who was supposed to predict this, but didn’t.
In the OT, JC’s name was supposed to be “Emanuel,” not Jesus. And his name wasn’t even Jesus. It was really Joshua, but to keep JC separate from the other Joshuas in the Bible, the translators made it Jesus, the Greek version of Joshua. He should have changed his name to “Emanuel” so he could fit a prophecy.
Although the Catholic Church claims that Mary was always a virgin, Matthew said, “. . . she remained a virgin until her son was born.” To me it would seem that her hymen was probably ripped open when JC poked his head out. Maybe she had a magic hymen that always healed itself after she gave birth. But then, the Catholics never did follow the book they put together originally. They strayed too far from it. Common people were not allowed to read the Bible until Marten Luther threw the door of the church open in 1517.
(Ch 2:1) Have you ever tried to find a star directly over anything? How can a star determine the location of anything unless a laser beam was pointing straight down from it? The star would have to be fixed in one position and move along with the Earth as the Earth revolves around the Sun. Astrologers of the day, other than the three wise men, would have noticed it. And don’t you think other people might wonder why that beam was pointing at just one baby? It would have taken a while for the wise men to travel to Bethlehem via Herod’s palace. The story makes a good scene for a children’s Christmas play.
Another well-known scene consisted of the angels singing to a bunch of shepherds out in the middle of nowhere. Why did God pick a bunch of shepherds in the country instead of people in a town so everyone could know of his birth?
(Ch 2:1) Jesus was not from Bethlehem, as stated in Matthew, but from Nazareth. To fit an obscure prophecy, the author of Matthew had to contrive the birthplace to make it seem as if Jesus came from Bethlehem. Rome kept good records, and there is no record of Rome requiring anyone to go to their home towns to be taxed. It was much easier to tax people where they lived. Can you imagine the mess with all the people traveling back and forth to their ancestral cities? And how could anybody keep track of all this without a computer? It would take a heck of a lot of clay tablets to record it.
(Ch 2:16) Herod was only a puppet of Rome, which held the power in those days. Only Romans were allowed to execute anyone. That’s why the Romans crucified Jesus. Not only is there no record of a mass execution anywhere other than in Matthew, Rome would not have allowed Herod to kill all the babies under two years old.
(Ch 2:18) The mass murder was supposed to fulfill a prophecy made by Jeremiah, but if you read it in context, you will find it quite incredible.
(Ch 2:19) The supposed prophecy of Jesus coming from Egypt was taken out of context and was about the Hebrews leaving Egypt with Moses; it had nothing to do with Jesus.
(Ch 4:1) While Jesus was being baptized by his cousin, John, the Devil recognized that JC was the Son of God and tried to tempt him. Now if Satan knew Jesus was the SOG, why in hell would he think he had any chance of tempting him if Jesus was part of the Holy Triumvirate? How can you tempt someone who has everything? And how would the author of Matthew even know about all this if he weren’t even there, unless Jesus or Satan told him?
(Ch 4:23) If JC was a good god, why did he show off by healing only the few people he met rather than everyone?
The Beatitudes
(Ch 5:1 - 11 & Luke 6:20 - 23) Even people who don’t believe in the Bible literally say that Jesus was a wise man ahead of his time. Wrong! If you look at what he supposedly said, the good parts had already been said by other religions. And the rest would have been impossible to follow without ruining society.
Here are a few samples of what he said:
(Ch 5:17) Jesus said he did not come to supersede the OT but to fulfill it. I've already mentioned that you can't believe in the NT and ignore the Old. Jehovah is the same god he's always been. He still lets humans kill each other in his name.
(Ch 5:21) Jesus surely was for strict libel laws. He said that if you call someone an idiot, you should be brought to court. I’ve been called a lot worse things than that, and many of them true.
(Ch 5:27) Wow! This is a tough one. JC said even if you are turned on by a woman when you look at her, it is the same as if you committed adultery. All the women would have to dress like fundamentalist Muslims just to protect the men from themselves. If you are going to be punished for just looking, you might as well go all the way.
(Ch 5:29) Here Jesus said that if a part of your body was involved in your sinning, you should cut it off. In some instances, certain groups that practice Islam cut off your hand if you are a thief. I guess this means that if you see a naked lady other than your wife, you should poke out your eye. And the poor teenager who is caught wanking. . . ouch! Circumcision doesn’t go far enough.
(Ch 5:31) Jesus said anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. The U.S. divorce rate is almost 50 percent. If this were true, almost half of the U.S. public has committed adultery. And if you follow the OT, they should be executed along with any man who had sex with a man or anyone who works on Saturdays. This would greatly assist population control.
(Ch 5:33-37) Here JC said that we can’t swear oaths. That means everyone who swears to tell the truth in court is breaking God’s law. Maybe that is the reason they swore on their balls rather than say, “so help me God.”
(Ch 5:38-43) We’ll skip past swearing and go to the part where what Jesus said contradicts the OT, despite his proclaiming that the OT laws were still in effect. Instead of the old law of an eye-for-an-eye, he said that you should turn the other cheek if someone slaps you. If someone takes something from you, give him more than what he took. Here is a rule that bankers would hate. If anyone wants to borrow anything from you, give it to him. And of course, love your enemies.
I’m sure as all good Muslims believe in the OT, they believe they are doing God’s work by trying to kill the “Great Satan.” Actually, Iran is the only nation that calls the U.S. the “Great Satan.” Most Muslim countries are now allies of the U.S,, e.g., Qatar, Lebanon, Indonesia, Pakistan, and others.
(Ch 6:1-9) Here is one rule that Christians rarely follow. Jesus said you should not let anyone know if you do a charitable act. That would make it difficult to take a deduction on your income taxes. And you know that fuss about prayers in school? Well, Jesus said you should not pray in public. He said you shouldn’t flaunt your piety.
I wonder how many people ever really read the Bible. Rather than following the sometimes impossible rules, they skim through it looking for passages that justify their own prejudices.
(Ch 6:16) If we all fasted as Jesus said, maybe we wouldn’t be a nation of overweight hypocrites. Jenny Craig would be out of business. Do you know anyone who fasts?
(Ch 6:19) “A penny saved is a penny earned.” Wrong! Jesus said that it is a sin to save money. Unfortunately, I find it easy to follow this rule.
(Ch 6:25-34) “What? Me worry?” Jesus and Alfred E. Newman (Mad Magazine) have it right. Don’t worry about a thing. God provides. He said one should live like a bird. I don’t want to run around covered with feathers looking for worms to eat. If we followed this, we would be living on the streets. And forget about what to wear. Just throw on any rag you can find.
(Ch 7:1-5) This one isn’t so bad if you are not a judge. You should just mind your own business and not judge others.
(Ch 7:6) This one is silly. You shouldn’t throw pearls to pigs. I had a pig when I was a youth in Kansas. I didn’t even put lipstick on my pig much less give it jewelry even if it was a prize-winning porker.
(Ch 7:7-11) I wish this one were true. You will get anything you ask for, and any door you knock on will open. I want a Jaguar sports car but nobody has given me one yet. And there are a lot of doors you can’t enter if you knock and don’t have the cover charge.
(Ch 7:12) Finally, one that makes sense. It is usually called the Golden Rule; “Do unto others before they can do it to you,” or something like that. Almost every religion has a similar rule.
(Ch 7:13-14) This one said that life was like a narrow gate that not many people could get through. What JC was trying to say was that not many people are going to go to Heaven. You don’t have to worry about overcrowding. Why go to all the trouble of being saintly if your chances of getting in are zilch.
(Ch 7:15-20) In this one JC was talking about fruit trees. He said that you can tell what kind of prophet he was by his fruit. I’ve never seen a person with fruit growing on them. OK. So it’s a metaphor. Why doesn’t he just say you can tell what people are like by what they do?
(Ch 7:21-23) Televangelist should worry about this one. He said that some people who found religion, and can even perform miracles, will not go to Heaven if they are not authorized to preach. I wonder where you go to get a license from God? There are a lot of preachers who should get their licenses pulled.
Actually, the Universal Life Church issues legal ordinations to be pastors to anyone who applies. The group says it represents all religions as well as atheists. Many people have criticized this, but they are legal. With the Universal Life Church document, one can legally conduct any kind of service, wed people, give eulogies, etc.
(Ch 7:24:27) People who build houses near the beach should listen to this one. He said that if you build a house on sand, it will wash away. This probably also pertains to Californians who build their houses on steep hillsides and cliffs.
(Ch 8:1-27) We’ll just skim over this fast. Jesus was doing his thing healing lots of people. Any good hypnotist or faith healer could do the same. The Jews of that time were very simple, and I don’t imagine it took much to get them to believe anything. If he really had cared about people, JC would have waved his magic wand and healed everybody. And instead of rescuing only one person from a plane crash, he would save everyone onboard.
Jesus Talks to Demons
(Ch 8: 28-34) Jesus came across two men who were possessed by demons. This was sort of like the Star Trek episode where a woman had another creature living inside her. In this case, the demons yelled at Jesus to stop bothering them. But when they saw that Jesus was serious, they asked him, “If you have to yanked us out of the two humans, please put all of us into that herd of pigs over there.”
I guess living in a pig was better than nothing. But then the pigs went crazy and ran into a lake and drowned. I wonder what happened to the demons. Maybe they switched to living in fish. Nowadays, instead of Jesus, we have psychiatrists to take care of things like that. But many still believe in demons.
(Ch 9:1-38) Jesus was healing a lot more people. He simply should have healed everyone.
(Ch 10:1-33) Jesus was getting overworked, so he gave his disciples a franchise to travel around healing people. But the person who wrote Matthew was a strong Jewish nationalist and said Jesus ordered his disciples to heal only Jews. He also told them not to take any extra money, clothes, or even a walking stick. They were to rely totally on what people would give them.
They must have smelled really rank if they didn’t have a second set of clothes to wear while the first were at the cleaners. They were told that if a town did not welcome them, the towns would be worse off than Sodom and Gomorrah. He said they were more valuable to God than a flock of birds. That’s not saying much.
(Ch 10:34-35) My Sunday school teacher told me that JC was the “Prince of Peace.” Evidently she never read the verse where JC told his disciples “Don’t imagine that I came to bring peace on Earth. No! I came to bring a sword.” This must be why Christians are always going around killing people in God’s name. “Kill a queer for Christ!”
(Ch 11:2-3) John the Baptist was in prison at this time. He heard about JC and sent some of his people to see if he was for real. Evidently he forgot he was JC’s cousin and when he baptized JC, God told him JC was his son. Couldn’t Matthew get his facts straight?
(Ch 11:4-6) JC told them how busy he was curing people of everything including leprosy and even raising people from the dead. God let the people get sick and/or die just so JC could show off by curing them. Can you imagine what it would have been like if JC had raised everyone from the dead? Talk about your population explosion!
(Ch 11:14) JC told the people that John the Baptist was, in reality, the prophet Elijah in the flesh. This is strange, because later on in the Book of John, Elijah denied the fact that he was Elijah.
(Ch 11:20-24) Then JC loses his temper and said that if the cities he visited didn’t believe in him, they would fare worse than Sodom on judgment day. Would you automatically believe a bearded man in a robe was the Son of God? No. Today he would be locked up in a loony bin or panhandling on the streets.
In a Mexican prison, I once met an old guy named James who told me he was the brother of Jesus. He offered to intercede for me with his brother. James was going through the DTs at the time. (See my book, Tales from the Tijuana Jails)
(Ch 12:1-14) The Pharisees got pissed off because Jesus allowed his men to pick some grain and eat the seeds on Saturday. It’s hard to fill up on raw grain, but it’s better than starving. You would think JC could conjure up some fish and bread like he did for strangers.
(Ch 12:15-23) The author of Matthew comes up with a quote from Isaiah to support his belief that JC was the son of David and his coming was predicted by this ancient prophet. However, you can’t find that passage in Isaiah or anywhere else. Maybe it was deleted in the final edit.
(Ch 12:24-32) JC is quoted to say that if you are not for him, you are against him. He also said that you can blaspheme against him, but if you blaspheme against the Holy Spirit, it is an unforgivable sin. I wonder if someone said “Holy Shit!” would it be blasphemy? JC had a body and in the OT, God sometimes had a body. I wonder if the Holy Spirit had a body. I also wonder what his function is other than having people talk gibberish in tongues when he is in them.
(Ch 12:38-42) The Pharisees wanted JC to do a magic trick to prove his powers. He got out of it by saying the only proof he would give them was that, as Jonah was in a fish for three days and nights, he would be in the Earth for the same time. Only they would not know what he was talking about. Besides, he was never in the tomb for that period of time.
(Ch 12:43-45) JC said that when an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert before coming back with seven additional spirits even worse than itself. Do all seven go back in to the same body or do they go into seven other bodies? You could have a demon infestation.
(Ch 12:46-50) While JC was preaching, someone told him his family was outside and wanted to talk to him. Jesus shined them on by saying “Who are my mother and brothers? My disciples are my family.” Probably, his family knew he wasn’t a god, although later his brother James joined his flock.
(Ch 13:1-52) JC told the story many of us heard in Sunday school about the farmer sowing seed. His disciples asked him “How come you are always telling stories? Why don’t you just talk so everyone knows what you are talking about?” Then JC says “Those who are open to my teachings will understand and the others won’t.” He quoted something that he says was from Isaiah to justify it. If you aren’t smart enough to understand what he was talking about, you got a one-way ticket to Hell.
(Ch 13:53-57) JC goes back to Nazareth, his hometown, where his homies thought he was somewhat mentally unbalanced. He said “A prophet is not without honor, save in his own country, and in his own house.” Even though his own family and friends didn’t believe he was a son of a god, are we expected to?
(Ch 14:1-12) We now switch over to King Herod’s palace. He was more of a governor than a king as the Romans were the real power. John the Baptist was arrested for preaching that the king had illegally married his wife, who had been the wife of his one of his brothers. Herod wasn’t going to have him executed because John was very popular and Herod was afraid of starting a riot. His wife wanted revenge, so she had her daughter do the famous “dance of the seven veils” to trick Herod into giving her the head of John on a platter.
(Ch 14:36) JC is preaching to a crowd of 5,000 hungry people. He supposedly fed them all with five loaves of bread and five fishes. Later we find him walking on water. Some think that with so many people crowding around to hear him, he stepped into the shallow water to give himself some room. To the people in the back, it might seem to look like he was walking on water. I heard that after the crucifixion, JC could no longer walk on water because he would sink as he had holes in his feet.
(Ch 15:1-11) The Pharisees condemn JC for not following all the ancient laws of the OT. He answered them by quoting another verse from Isaiah and then saying, “You are not defiled by what you eat but by what you say.” This conflicts with what he said earlier that, “Not one iota in the OT can be changed.” An iota is the smallest letter in the Greek alphabet. Of course, JC spoke Aramaic, not Greek.
(Ch 15:12-28) One thing people overlook is that JC was a bigot. He felt that he was on Earth only to save the Jews. Most Jews knew and know Jesus was not the messiah, it wasn’t until Paul came along that they started to convert gentiles. Once, a non-Jewish woman asked JC to save her daughter. He would not even answer her and his disciples wanted to send her away. JC said, “I was sent only to help the people of Israel . . . not the gentiles. It is not right to take food from children and feed it to the dogs.”
Calling her a dog did not stop her and she told him, “But even dogs can eat what falls under the table.” So JC relented and healed her daughter.
(Ch 15:32-36) After that, there is another story about JC feeding a large crowd. It is either another version of the same story or a different crowd. However, in this story it was only 4,000 people and he had seven loaves and a few small fish.
(Ch 16:1-4) One day, a group of Pharisees came to JC and asked him to show them a miracle to prove his power. He told them, “You know that red sky at night means fair weather tomorrow, red sky in the morning means foul weather all day. But you don’t even know what is going on now. The only sign I will give you is the sign Jonah.” That doesn’t even make sense. Three days in a fish isn’t equal to three days dead. And he wasn’t dead for three days, only during parts of three days and two nights. I know that this is being picky but I think a good god should be more explicit.
(Ch 16:13-20) Many scholars think these verses were forgeries added later by the early Catholic Church to justify calling Peter the first pope. The words used in JC’s days were not in use when this was written. In this section, Peter said that JC was the Messiah and the son of God. In turn, JC told him, “You are Peter and upon this rock I will build my church.” Peter’s true name was Simon, and the word “Peter” means rock. Later you will read that Peter didn’t know that JC was a son of God until he rose from the dead.
The first pope, who was only the Bishop of Rome, was created by the Emperor Constantine much later to unify the Church and his empire. The Church was also unified by killing off the competition or co-opting them. With all its rituals and saints, the Catholic Church today is more of a pagan religion than a Christian one and is definitely not monotheistic.
(Ch 16:21- 28) JC predicted his own death and resurrection. This conflicted with the fact that his disciples would not know he was going to die until the last moment. But what is really interesting is a statement that everyone who thinks the Bible is the word of God overlooks. JC said, “And I assure you that some of you standing here right now will not die before you see me, the Son of Man, coming to my Kingdom.” This is the foundation of the myth of the “Wandering Jew” myth about a Jew who still lives and wanders all over the world waiting for the Judgment Day. He said “some,” not “one,” and later you will read about his beloved disciple who will also live forever. They walk among us.
(Ch 17:1-13) JC took a few of his favorite disciples up a mountain and introduced them to Moses and Elijah. As you may remember, the OT said that Elijah would come back before the Messiah. JC told them Elijah had already come and was mistreated. He lets the disciples think he was talking about John the Baptist, even though John denied that he was Elijah.
(Ch 17:14-21) A man brought JC his son to heal after his disciples tried but failed. JC healed the boy and then chewed out his disciples for not having enough faith. He told them if they had enough faith they could move mountains and nothing would be impossible. You all know that this is not true. There are people whose faith is so strong that they know rather than just believe. If this were true, believers could make a fortune moving mountains for construction companies.
Again JC predicted his death and resurrection. The disciples grieved about it but they must have forgotten what he said again. They didn’t believe JC rose from the dead until he proved it.
(Ch 17:24-27) The tax collector tried to collect the temple tax from JC’s disciples. They didn’t have separation of church and state. JC told them that kings did not tax their citizens but the foreigners they conquer. If this were true, our taxes should be paid by the Germans and Japanese, along with all the other countries we have conquered. But rather than offend the tax man, JC told Peter to catch a fish and take a coin out of its mouth to pay the tax. Wouldn’t just writing a check be simpler?
(Ch 18:8-9) Jesus repeated himself here. It’s a good thing people don’t follow this commandment. He said that if a part of your body sins, you need to cut it out or you will go to Hell. So, all you guys who look at pornography, get ready to gouge your eyes out. After all, if you lust in your mind, it is the same thing as committing adultery.
(Ch 18:10-14) In the next verse, JC said that the spirits of children are always with God in Heaven, and God doesn’t want even one of them to perish. I wonder at what age this guarenteed ticket to Heaven expires? God must have felt guilty for having killed and tortured so many in the past. There are still silly people today who think that God worries about fetuses and embryos.
(Ch 18:18-20) Here are a couple of interesting remarks JC made. He said, “Whatever you prohibit on Earth is prohibited in Heaven. And whatever you permit on Earth is allowed in Heaven.” So, which countries’ laws are the ones followed in Heaven? He also said, “If two people agree to ask God to do anything, God will do it for them.” Earlier he said anyone could ask.
(Ch 18:21-22) You would have to be a real wuss to follow JC’s next command. He said you are supposed to forgive everyone seven times 70 or 490 times. After that, I guess you can take them to court.
(Ch 19:8-15) JC said if you want to divorce your wife, you had better catch her messing around with another man. He doesn’t say it’s the same if she had a fling with another woman. That means a man who is divorced and remarries is committing adultery and should be stoned. I wonder if you can have a concubine? He also said it was better not to marry. It is a good thing some get married because JC liked kids in spite of what his father did to them in the OT.
(Ch 19:16-22) To get to Heaven, you need to sell everything you own and give it to the poor. Of course, after that, you are poor and someone else could give you everything he/she owned. But then you wouldn’t be poor again. This could go on forever.
One of JC's rules that not many follow is if you can castrate yourself, do it – ouch!
The Camel Through a Needle
(Ch 19:23-26) JC recited his famous quote, “. . . it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God.” Maybe if you ground the camel up and liquefied it, you could squeeze it through. Some fundies say the eye of the needle is the name of a small gate in the wall in Jerusalem. If it is, there is no proof of that. But if one is religious, it is always easier to make up something than to admit an error.
JC added, “But with God, all things are possible.” I guess that means that if you are rich, you have to get special permission to go to Heaven. In the Dark Ages, the Catholic Church sold indulgences so people could buy their way in. And how much is rich? Someone poor in the U.S. could be rich in Mexico.
(Ch 19:28) JC told his disciples, “You are going to sit on 12 thrones and judge the 12 tribes of Israel.” The only trouble with that is that there are not 12 tribes of Israel. At one time, there were 13 and later a couple disappeared. Then most of the tribes were absorbed by the Babylonians except for Judea, Benjamin and some of the Levite priests. Today, I don’t think you could even call it one tribe. At that time, JC wasn’t planning on having any gentiles in Heaven. And where are you going to set the thrones or are they just going to float in the air?
(Ch 20:1-16) Labor unions and capitalists alike would be against this next section. JC said the person who works only one hour should be paid the same as a person who works the whole shift. Of course some union and government workers, including members of Congress, are paid this way.
(Ch 20:17-34) JC predicted his death and resurrection once more and the disciples promptly forgot again. The mother of James and John came to Jesus and asked him to let her sons be on his left and right sides when he rules his kingdom. JC told her that it was up to God who he chooses. When the others heard about this, it enraged them. Then he healed a couple of blind men.
(Ch 21:4-6) If you look back to the OT, there is a prophecy that says the Messiah will ride into to Jerusalem on a donkey and a colt. I wonder how he did that. Did he stand with one foot on each? The book said that he made quite a stir when he entered the city. I guess Matt didn’t know the scribes said everything twice in different ways, i.e., a donkey’s colt is still a donkey.
Jesus Loses His Temper
(Ch 21:7-13) When JC got to the Temple, he found a number of stalls that changed money and sold animals to be sacrificed. This put his knickers in an uproar and he threw a fit, destroying the stalls and knocking over the tables. He shouldn’t have because these merchants were performing a service to the worshipers. People came to worship from all over the known world.
This was similar to Muslims traveling to to Mecca in their lifetimes. When the worshipers got to the Temple, they had money from many different countries. They couldn’t carry all those animals with them, and many of them weren’t farmers and didn’t have any.
(Ch 21:17-22) JC and his boys spent the night in Bethany, a small town within walking distance of Jerusalem. On their way back the next morning, they came upon a fig tree that had no figs. JC lost his temper again and said “God damn that tree,” making it wither. This was stupid. In the Book of Mark, it is stated that it was not the season for figs. I think he should have used his magic power to make figs appear on the tree out of season if he wanted figs that badly.
JC told them, “You can do tricks like this, and even more, if you believe. You can even have a mountain throw itself into the ocean. If you believe, you can do anything you pray for.” Maybe that’s how Jerry Falwell destroyed New Orleans to punish us because so many gays wanted to get married. However, he made a big mistake as the “good part of town” was flooded while the French Quarter was saved.
(Ch 21:23-46) The head priest was angry and asked JC, “Who the hell gave you the right to throw out all the merchants?”
“I’ll tell you who gave me the authority if you just answer one question,” replied JC. “Did John the Baptist’s power to baptize come from Heaven, or was it merely human?” When they said they didn’t know, JC told them, “Well, if you won’t answer my question, I won’t answer yours.”
Then JC then told a story he said was an example of why tax collectors and prostitutes would get into Heaven before others. I wonder why Heaven needs tax collectors and prostitutes? He told some more stories, and the Pharisees wanted to arrest him. But they were afraid because the crowd thought JC was a prophet.
(Ch 22:15-40) After a few more stories, some of them really stupid from today’s perspective, the Pharisees came at him with another question to trap him. “Should we pay taxes to Rome?” That was a trick question, No matter how he answered, he would get into trouble either with the Romans or the people.
“You see whose picture is on this coin?” JC asked, holding up a Roman coin. “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s.” God may not need money to run Heaven but he sure needs it to run his churches down here.
Some other Jews asked him, “If a guy dies and his wife marries another man, when she dies, whose wife is she?”
JC answers, “When you get to Heaven, if that is where you go, you won’t need a wife – you’ll all be angels.” Well, even angels need to get a little once in a while. In Genesis, they came down and interbred with human females.
(Ch 23:36) JC told them another command that isn’t followed today. “Don’t call anyone ‘Father’ as God is the only Father.” (I called my father “Dad.”) He went into a tirade against the Pharisees, calling them all kinds of nasty names. No wonder they didn't like him.
(Ch 24:1-2;29) JC predicted the Temple would be destroyed with not one stone left on top of another. That was a bit of an exaggeration, as the famous West Wall is still there today. He also said that the stars will fall from the sky. I wonder where they all will fall to. Evidently he didn’t know how big some of those stars are.
(Ch 24:3-36) JC told them many people would call themselves the Messiah but they would all be phonies. He said that there will be lots of wars, famines, and earthquakes, but that was only the beginning. When has there not been wars, famines, and earthquakes? He said the entire human race would be destroyed. “And when I come back, I will come with a flock of angels on a cloud. And no one will know when I come back except my father – not even me.” But why would he not know if he was one of the Trinity? And if he destroys the whole human race, there won't be anyone here to welcome him.
But he missed his mark by a mile when he told them “I will come back before all of you die and, although Heaven and Earth will disappear, my words will remain forever.” If there is no one around to hear or read them, will they still remain forever?
And those of you who believe Noah and the flood are just a myth can eat your words because JC said the story was for real.
(Ch 25:45-46) After he told some more stories, he said to the disciples, “If someone needs help and you don’t give it to him, it is the same as if you didn’t give it to me, and you will be punished forever.” There are billions of people who are in need of help and no one gives it to them.
(Ch 26:1-16) JC told his disciples that he was going to be betrayed and crucified. But as I said before, they must have forgotten about it. Later, when a woman poured a bottle of expensive perfume on his head, some of the disciples thought the money should have gone to the poor. Of course, JC could alleviate the poor if he wanted. But JC said that there would always be the poor, but the perfume was to prepare his body for burial. That must have been to hide the smell of a rotting body, but if he was going to rise in less than three days, why would he need it? Then Judas went to the priests and they gave him 30 pieces of silver to betray Jesus.
The Passover Plot
The Passover is thought to originate as an ancient pagan spring festival. It was adapted by the Hebrews like the Christians adapted Christmas and Easter from pagan cultures.
(Ch 26:20 -29) During the Passover feast, JC told his disciples that one of them would betray him. And the one who would do it would be better off if he had not been born. When Judas asked JC if he was the one, JC told him, “You have said it yourself.” He told them the bread and wine they were consuming were, in reality, parts of his body. This makes cannibals of all Christians who follow this ritual. He told them the next time he drank wine would be when he was in Heaven. That must mean there is wine in Heaven. I wonder if they grow grapes there.
Here is something that puzzles me. He was talking to his disciples during the Passover feast which was the Last Supper. The reason he was crucified on Friday was so his body could be taken down before the Passover. We have a little time warp problem here.
(Ch 26:31-35) JC said that after he had risen from the dead, he would meet them in Galilee. He also said everyone would desert him. Peter said, “No way, Jose. I will never desert you.” JC told him he would deny him three times before the rooster crowed. However, this didn’t jibe with the other Gospels, as you will see.
(Ch 26: 39) JC took his gang to an olive grove to camp out for the night. Knowing what was going to happen the next day, he didn’t get much sleep. He told his father, his god father, “If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me.” That’s a strange thing for one god to say to another. The whole thing was ridiculous. How could the death of a god’s physical body mean that no one had to sacrifice burnt animals to a god anymore? If God wants to sniff burnt flesh, there’s always the animals in forest fires and BBQs.
Jesus was supposed to have died for our sins. But the question is, did he die for everyone’s sins or just the sins of the Jews? Or did he die only for the sins of those who believed he was a god? And what about the people who never heard of him or died at birth? There are a lot of questions that were not answered.
The Kiss In the Park
(Ch 26:47-56) Judas arrived at the head of a mob and gave JC a kiss. I wonder about Jesus. Not only is he kissed by a man, he is in his 30s, unmarried as far as we know, and he hangs around with 12 other men and a fag hag.
When JC was arrested, one of his followers pulled out a sword and cut the ear off of one of the members of the mob. JC told them, “Put your swords away. If I wanted to, I could ask for a thousand angels to protect me.” After that, his disciples took off like bats out of Hell.
(Ch 26:57) The Gospels don’t agree on a time line, but Matthew had JC being taken to Caiaphas, the high priest, sort of like a Jewish pope. Peter followed and sat outside with the guards. Inside, two men testified against JC. He didn’t defend himself but told them, “Yes, I am the Son of Man, and I sit on the right side of God, and I’m going to come back on a cloud.” Today we wouldn’t crucify someone for saying this – we would just lock him up in a loony bin. He might have a problem when he comes back the second time.
The head priest tore his clothes and yelled, “Blasphemy!” I would suppose he wore underwear. I wonder if Jews still tear their clothes when they are upset. Maybe that’s why so many of them are tailors. While outside, Peter denied knowing JC three times before the cock crowed. Again the Gospels don’t agree.
(Ch 27:1-2) Matt said the priest took JC to Pontius Pilate, the Roman governor, to try to get him to execute JC because only Romans were allowed to execute someone. This is one of the many reasons why I don’t think Herod killed all those kids.
(Ch 27:3-10) The author of Matthew wrote that Judas felt guilty, and returned to throw the money back at the priest. They used the money to buy a field from a potter and made it into a cemetery for the poor. This is the reason a cemetery for the poor is called a potter’s field. Maybe Judas was their first customer as after this he hanged himself. Of course, none of the other gospels don't agreed with this. The Book of Acts 1:18 especially contradicts this scenario. Instead of committing suicide, he just blew up.
(Ch 27:11-31) Pilate asked JC if he was the king of the Jews and JC said, “Yep, that’s me – king of the Jews.” Pilate must have thought JC was just a bit delusional and didn’t warranted the death penalty, but the priests pressured Pilate to crucify him. As Pilate wanted to keep the Jews happy, so he offered, as was the custom at Passover, to free one criminal. He offered them the choice between Barabbas and Jesus.
Then Pilate’s wife came in and told him, “Pilate honey, I had a dream last night and it showed me that Jesus Jew was an innocent man.” I don’t think God would send her a dream like that if he wanted his son dead. Or maybe it was Satan wanting to put the kibosh on their plans. Or maybe it was just an ordinary dream.
The Crusefication
The priests insisted that Pilate release Barabbas and crucify Jesus. Pilate released Barabbas and washed his hands to symbolize he wanted nothing to do with having an innocent man killed. The priests told him they, and all their children after them, would take full responsibility. This one sentence has been responsible for the deaths of multitudes of Jews.
The Christian churches used this sentence to justify the killing and condemnation of millions of Jews over the centuries. Even Luther condemned the Jews. Although the churches were not directly involved in the Holocaust, their anti-Jewish preaching set it up. Hitler used this to justify the killings. He was a Catholic.
Pilate had JC flogged and turned over to his soldiers for execution after they had their fun with him. Some minor denominations believe Pilate and his wife converted and afterwards they were made saints.
(Ch 27:34-44) After reaching Skull Hill, the soldiers offered JC a drink of wine spiked with bitter gall but JC refused. This also doesn’t jibe with some of the other Gospels. Actually, this would have been an act of kindness by the soldiers as the gall would have cut down some of the pain. They nailed him to the cross and attached a sign that read, “This is Jesus, the King of the Jews.”
Then there was the story about the two thieves who taunted JC saying that if he was really the Messiah, why didn’t he save himself? In another version of the story in the Gospel of Luke, one of the thieves believed JC was the Messiah. JC told him he would meet him in Heaven that day. JC must have taken a temporary leave of absence from his body in the tomb to meet him.
(Ch 27:45-56) Around 3 pm, JC yelled out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” That’s a strange thing for a Messiah to ask. Was he starting to doubt the fact that he was a god? It was a little late to have second thoughts.
He must have been a god because the moment he died, the curtain in the Temple was torn in half, there was an earthquake, and like in the movie, “The Night of the Living Dead,” the dead got up and walked into the city where they were supposedly seen by many people.
There was a lot left unexplained. Did they get their flesh back or did they walk out with their rotten bodies and skeletons? And what happened to them later? Did they join their families or did they have to die all over again? I don’t think I would like to have to go through the trauma of having to die twice. Evidently the other Gospel writers and Romans didn’t think it important to mention this in their books.
Many women in JC’s band accompanied him from Galilee and were watching. They included some of the mothers and wives of the disciples. I won’t list them all here, but as usual, the list doesn’t match some of the other Gospels.
(Ch 27:57-66) Joseph of Arimathea, a rich man who was one of JC’s followers, asked Pilate for the body to place in the tomb he had made for himself. After putting JC in the tomb, a large rock was rolled over the entrance. The priests thought some of JC’s followers might try to take the body so they could say he had risen. The next day they asked Pilate to seal the tomb and place guards to make sure this didn’t happen. They might have been too late.
(Ch 28:1-10) Early Sunday, the day after the Passover, Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of James and Joseph, checked out the tomb. Suddenly there was an earthquake, and an angel came down and rolled the stone off the tomb. This unnerved the guards and they fainted. The angel told the women that JC had risen like he said he would, and they were shown where JC’s body had been. “Now go and tell the disciples he has risen and that he will meet them in Galilee.” Despite the prophecies and what was said, JC was not in the tomb for three days and three nights. He was only in the tomb Friday evening, all day Saturday, and Sunday morning.
On their way, the ladies met JC and he told them to tell the disciples to leave for Galilee and he would meet them there.
(Ch 28:11-15) The guards went to the priests and described what had happened. The priests bribed the guards to tell everyone that the disciples had taken the body while they were asleep. The priests also said they would stand up for them. It must have been a big bribe because the penalty for sleeping on duty was death. Maybe the disciples had bribed the guards so they could take the body and the guards were bribed twice.
(Ch 28:16) Then the 11 disciples met JC in Galilee, where they worshiped him. However, some still doubted it was him. JC told them he had complete authority in Heaven and Earth. He told them to make disciples of all the nations and to teach them the commandments he had taught them. He stated, “I am with you always, even to the end of time.” This last paragraph was probably added later by others. Matthew was all for the Jews and did not care about the gentiles.
Some think the author of Mark was an apostle named John Mark. Apparently John Mark was of the Hebrew group of Christians and was conservative in respects to the Mosaic Law. Mark emphasizes Jesus’ contempt for Samaritans and gentiles and shows him through Jewish lenses.
Why does God create so many versions, with the majority not included in the official Bible? The Gospel of Mark is thought by most scholars to have been written before Matthew and that Matthew copied heavily from Mark. The Gospel of Mark is actually the second version. The first version, The Secret Gospel of Mark, of which the world has only a partial copy, has JC sleeping with Lazarus whom he raised from the dead. I’ll let you read for yourself:
“And after six days Jesus told him what to do and in the evening the youth came to him, wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the kingdom of God. And thence, arising, he returned to the other side of the Jordan.”
I won’t say JC was gay, but he never got married in a culture where everyone got married. And he hung around with 12 guys, one of whom was his “beloved disciple.” Plus he got kissed in the park. But, then again, most of the gospels are fiction, copied from the stories of other gods.
(Ch 1:8) The book started out with Mark quoting a couple of verses from the book of Isaiah. They supposedly were prophecies that predicted John the Baptist would come before JC. It was the same one that Matthew copied. John the Baptist preached and baptized believers and told them, “I’m just the advance man. The big guy is coming someday later.”
(Ch 1:9-11) One day, JC showed up and John the Baptist baptized him. As JC came out of the water, Papa God told him, “You’re doing a great job, Son. I’m proud of you.” Hell, he hadn’t even started yet.
(Ch 1:12-20) JC went out into the wilderness for 40 days where the angels fed him. Satan tried to tempt JC (Matthew goes into greater detail). After John the Baptist was arrested by Herod, JC came out of the wilderness and started to preach. While preaching by the Sea of Galilee, he came across Simon, the future Peter, and his brother Andrew. “Hey. You guys wanna join my posse and I’ll teach you to fish for humans?” I guess preaching was a much easier way to make a living so they joined him. Later on, he snagged James and John, who left their father in his boat and joined them.
(Ch 1:21-34) While JC was preaching in a synagogue, a man with an evil spirit came up to him, and the spirit inside him shouted to JC: “Why are you bothering us? I know who you are. You are the guy God sent to destroy us.” If I had been the spirit, I would have shut my mouth, and not have let JC see me, to prevent JC from making me get out of the man’s body.
This was a good PR job as the word spread around that JC could order evil spirits around. This brought him a lot of business and he healed many people. He got rid of more demons, but he told the demons not to talk because they knew who he was and he was still was operating undercover. Even though he was the son of God, he would have been executed for blasphemy if he admitted it, which he later did and was.
(Ch 2:23-28) I’ll skip forward as most of this material was covered in Matthew. One point of interest occurred on a Saturday when the Pharisees caught JC and his boys breaking the law by breaking off the heads of grain to eat. It was not because they were stealing the grain, but because they were working on the Sabbath by picking the grain. JC told them that King David broke the law by eating holy bread when he was hungry. He also told them, “I’m the master of the Sabbath and can do anything I want.” This wasn’t a good thing to say if he were trying to keep his identity a secret.
(Ch 3:11-12) Even though JC told the evil spirits to keep their mouths shut, after he ordered them to leave a body, they would fall down in front of him and say, “You are the Son of God.” A couple of things I wonder about: if spirits do not have bodies, how do they fall down in front of JC? And why didn’t JC just order them to keep quiet, and how did spirits vocalize if they didn’t have lungs?
(Ch 3:13-35) JC chose the rest of his 12 disciples after which he became very busy healing and preaching. It didn’t take much to gather a crowd in those days because they didn’t have rock stars, TV and movie stars, or politicians. His family came to take him home. They didn’t believe him and said, “He’s out of his frigging mind.”
The religious teachers accused him of being possessed by Satan. JC defended himself by saying, “If I were possessed by Satan, how could I cast out demons? Satan would be fighting against himself.” You have to admit – Jesus was quick on the uptake.
When his family wanted to talk to him, JC told the crowd, “You are my brothers and sisters. Anyone who does what God wants him to do is my family.” It seems that most great men have relatives who embarrass them.
We’ll skip ahead again rather than go over the same old preaching and healing. One thing puzzles me: why would JC tell some of his patients to spread the word and others to keep quiet?
(Ch 6:1-13) One day, JC went back to his hometown of Nazareth. When he preached to them, the locals wondered, “Who does this schmuck think he is? He’s just the carpenter’s son.” Faith-healing, as with hypnosis, requires strong belief, so he failed to perform any miracles. This was the origin of the statement, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own town.” As JC grew up around them, you would think that they would know him. That was the problem; they did know him.
There is not much in the Bible about his early years, but some of the gospels that didn’t make the cut do cover it. After that, JC sent out his apostles to preach, heal, and spread the word.
(Ch 6:14-29) Because of the miracles, many people thought JC was a former prophet who had come back from the dead. Herod felt guilty about having John the Baptist beheaded and thought JC was John the Baptist back from the dead. There is a flashback going over the details of John the Baptist’s execution.
(Ch 6:30-44) Next comes the famous feeding of the flock of 5,000 with five loaves of bread and only two fishes. Can you imagine eating dried fish and coarse bread without any tartar sauce or a good chablis? This is the first of two miracle feedings where the leftovers were more than they started out with. The other one can be found at Chapter 8:1-10.
(Ch 6:45-51) Then came his walking-on-water bit, which I already covered in Matthew.
(Ch 7:1-23) The Pharisees condemned JC and his boys for not washing their hands before eating. JC rebuked them for not following God’s laws, but instead fixating on manmade customs. He also told them that it didn’t matter what they ate. I think this was added much later, because in The Acts of the Apostles, after Jesus died, there was a big fight between Paul and Peter over just this thing. If JC had really said this, there would have been no reason for the disagreement.
(Ch 7:24-30) JC healed the daughter of a gentile woman. He didn’t want to at first because she was not Jewish. This was covered in Matthew.
(Ch 8:1-10) Then JC did another of his catering miracles and fed 4,000 with seven loaves of bread and some small fishes. If he were going to perform a miracle and feed the crowd, one would think he could have picked a better menu. This was probably another version of the same miracle, but why would it be in the same gospel?
(Ch 8:11-13) The catering miracle wasn’t enough for the Pharisees. They asked JC to perform another miracle to show that he was from God. JC dodged that bullet by refusing to do it and got into his boat and took off.
(Ch 8:22-26) I don’t understand why JC used this technique, but he spit in the eyes of a blind man and healed him. How disgusting and unsanitary! JC uses all kinds of techniques for healing, including laying on of hands, sticking mud in eyes, and even healing at a distance. They were his methods of showmanship.
(Ch 8:27-38) One day, JC asked his disciples who people thought he was. They told him some said he was Elijah and others said he was one of the other prophets. Then he asked them who they thought he was. Peter answered, “You are the Messiah.” Then JC told them all not to tell anyone else. I wonder why he wanted people to know he was the Son of God, but he wouldn’t tell them. Many scholars believe that JC started out as an itinerant preacher and became a god after he was dead, if he excised in the first place.
JC filled them in on the plot. He told them he really was the Son of God. He was going to suffer, be rejected by the leaders, killed, and rise in three days. But either they didn’t believe him or just forgot it later.
JC called the crowd over and told them they should put away their selfish ambitions and follow him. He also said, “If you are ashamed of me, when I get to Heaven with my father and the angels, I will be ashamed of you.” Hello! Didn’t he just tell his disciples they should keep his parentage a secret? Couldn’t God at least find an angel who was a good editor?
(Ch 9: 1) This verse alone should prove the Bible is not infallible. As written in Matthew, JC told the crowd that some of them would still be alive at the Second Coming.
(Ch 9:2-10) A few days later, JC whisks Peter, James, and John to the top of a mountain. He then changes his clothes into dazzling white – even whiter than Tide could have made them. Elijah and Moses pop in to talk with JC. Then a voice from the cloud says, “This is my beloved son, do what he tells you to do.” And “poof” – the two ghosts disappeared.
Again, JC told them not to tell anyone about his being the Son of God until after he had risen from the dead. The three disciples told JC, “We thought Elijah was supposed to come before you.”
“He did come, but he was mistreated, as the scriptures predicted.” Most think he meant John the Baptist, but if that was so, John the Baptist lied when he said he wasn’t Elijah.
(Ch 9:14-29) A man came to JC to have him heal his son of deafness, muteness, and convulsions. The father told JC that some of his disciples had tried to heal his son but failed. So JC told as evil spirit to leave the boy’s body. The spirit didn’t leave quietly but screamed, and threw the kid into convulsions.
When they were alone, the disciples asked JC, “Why couldn’t we cast the evil spirit out like we did before?”
“This is a special type of spirit that can only be cast out by prayer.” Oh, so there are more than just one type of evil spirit. Maybe there is one for each disease. And why couldn’t the disciples pray?
(Ch 9:30-32) While traveling through Galilee, JC told his disciples that the Son of Man (God?) was going to be betrayed, killed, and then rise from the dead in three days. But they didn’t know what he was talking about. I guess they forgot what he told them earlier, or maybe he erased it from their memory.
(Ch 9:38-41) One of the disciples told JC they saw a man who was casting out demons and using JC’s name. They told the man to stop as he wasn’t one of them. But JC told them that anyone who performs miracles in his name is OK with him. This means that Oral Roberts and other ministers who use faith healing are authorized to do so. If I were to use hypnosis to do the same thing, I would first have to be authorized by the AMA, unless I called myself a minister.
(Ch 10:1-12) JC told his disciples that if either a man or woman was divorced and married someone else, they were committing adultery. It’s funny how the fundies overlook this when they are trashing the gays. As straights have only a 50-50 chance of their marriage lasting, there must be a lot of adultery going on.
(Ch 10:13-16) JC was a pushover for kids. He told his disciples that unless one had the faith of children, they couldn’t get into Heaven. Does that mean that one has to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the tooth fairy to go to Heaven?
(Ch 10:17-28) A young rich man came to JC and asked him, “Good teacher, how can I get into Heaven?” JC loved the guy and told him, “Don’t call me good. Only God is good. Sell everything you own and give it to the poor.” The guy didn’t think it was worth all that sacrificing, so he left. I don’t understand why JC said not to call him good. After all, as part of the trinity, that would also make him good. He was just being modest.
So JC told his boys, “It’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into Heaven.”
“But that’s impossible,” they retorted.
“Nothing is impossible with God,” he replied.
Now, that isn’t very clear. Does that mean that a rich man can get into Heaven only if God decides to give him special dispensation? As I said earlier in Matthew, some fundies say there was a small gate in the wall called “the Eye of the Needle,” and if you unloaded the camel first, it could get in. The only problem with this was that no one has ever heard of such a gate. They probably made it up just to explain this.
(Ch 10:29-31) JC also said that if someone gives up their family and property, they would get it back a hundred-fold. One hundred new brothers and sisters? And if he gets all this back a hundred-fold, he would be rich and won’t be able to get into Heaven. If he gives that away, he would get 10,000 percent back. You can’t take JC literally.
(Ch 10:32-45) After JC got through predicting his demise and returning from the dead, James and John asked him to let them sit next to him on his throne. In Matthew, their mother asked the same thing. When the other guys heard about it, they got pissed. JC told them, “It’s not up to me to pick and choose. God would pick his own.”
Later on in the book, JC told them that they would all be sitting with him and would represent the 12 tribes of Israel. That’s strange because, at that time, only three tribes were left of the 12. Most had been taken and assimilated by the Assyrians.
(Ch 10:46-52) A blind man came up to JC and asked him, “Have mercy on me, Son of David.” Now that is a euphemism for the Messiah, so evidently they were not very good in keeping JC’s secret identity a secret. This time he didn’t use any of his magic spit but just told him that he was healed and to go his own way.
(Ch 11:1-11) While JC and the boys were heading to Jerusalem, JC sent one of them to the next town to borrow a colt. In Matthew it was both a donkey and a colt. A crowd gathered while they traveled and threw their clothes and palm leaves on the road in front of the colt, or donkey and colt, depending on what version you believe. The crowd yelled, “Bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord.” The word of his secret identity was spreading.
(Ch 11:12-19) After cursing out a fig tree (already covered in Matthew) he went to the Temple and cleaned out the money lenders and those who sold animals for sacrifice. These actions prompted the priests to decide to kill JC because he was cutting into their profits.
(Ch 11:20-26) This didn’t make him popular with the priests. Those businesses were necessary so people from other parts of the world could exchange their money and buy live animals to burn. On their way out of Jerusalem they passed the fig tree again. “Look Master. The fig tree you cursed is withered.”
“That’s nothing,” JC replied. “You could move mountains if you believed strongly enough.”
(Ch 12:13-17) The Pharisees never gave up trying to trick JC into saying something that might incriminate him. They asked him if they should pay the unpopular taxes. Is there such a thing as a popular tax? If JC said “yes,” the crowd would get angry with him and if he said “no,” the Romans would probably arrest him. He didn’t fully answer the question but he got away with it by saying, because the coins have Caesar’s picture on them, they should, “Give Caesar what is his and God what is his.” The Jews didn’t like the coins because they had graven images stamped on them.
(Ch 12:25) For those of you who have a bad marriage or more than one, don’t worry. JC said that you won’t be married when you get to Heaven but would be more like the angels. But when you rise from the dead, what about your rotting body? Angels must have bodies or they couldn’t have fucked all the human women mentioned in Genesis and had giants as children. I guess they can switch back and forth. Even God had a body sometimes as he proved by walking in the Garden of Eden, mooning Moses, wrestling Jacob, and stepping in shit on the battlefield.
(Ch 12:35-37) JC asked, “Why is it taught that the Messiah is the son of David?” Then he quoted a verse in the Old Testament with some convoluted reason why the Messiah doesn’t have to be related to David. This is a bit confusing because Matthew used the prophecy that JC was the son of David as proof that he was the Messiah. I assume Mark knew that Jesus wasn’t related to King David.
(Ch 13:1-37) As JC was leaving the Temple, he told his disciples that the building was to be demolished so completely that there would not be one stone on top of another. Wrong. If that were true, there would not be a praying wall in Jerusalem. Did you know that there is a service that will fax your prayer to a company in Israel to stuff it into a crack in the wall? At least with the Christians, other than Catholics, everyone can pray directly without having to have a wall or priest to do the job for them.
Then JC told them there would be a lot of phony Messiahs who do miracles but lead them astray. And there would be lots of disasters and wars but that would only be the start. He told them lots of stuff about the end of time when he will return, but said that no one, including the angels and he, would know when it would happen. This shows you that God didn’t even trust his own son. It also shows that JC isn’t part of Jehovah. Or maybe he is like people who have multiple personalities.
(Ch 14:1-26) I don’t want to drag this story on for too long, so we’ll skip over the story about the woman who dumped a bottle of perfume over JC’s head we covered in Matthew. Judas went off to make his deal with the priests and the other disciples made the arrangements for the Last Supper.
At the supper, JC said one of them was going to betray him. He told them that, as the scriptures prophesied, he must die. I wish he had quoted the chapter and verse he was referring to, because I don’t remember ever reading that part.
JC copied an Egyptian legend of one of their gods breaking bread and drinking wine and told them it was his body they were eating and his blood they were drinking. Many Protestants believe this is a symbol, while Catholics are cannibals.
(Ch 14:27- 42) JC predicted all of them would desert him and after he had been arrested, Peter would deny him three times before the cock crows twice. They all swore on a stack of Bibles that they wouldn’t deny him, but they did. There is some confusion because the four Gospels don’t agree on how many times the cock crowed. Was it once, twice, or three times? JC prayed to his father and told him to please don’t make him go through this but he would do whatever God wanted. Does this mean that JC was a reluctant sacrificial lamb?
(Ch 14:43- 52) You have already read that Judas gave JC a kiss and JC was arrested. One thing that is sort of strange in this version is the young guy wearing only a night shirt. When the disciples ran away, the kid followed naked after the crowd grabbed his night shirt and pulled it off. This is the first recorded history of a streaker. It doesn’t say who he was or why he was there, but some speculate that he was either Lazarus or the beloved disciple. What strange things they put in the Bible.
(Ch 14:53-72) JC was taken to the high priest’s home and Peter followed. The priests got some witnesses to lie about him but JC admitted that he was the Messiah and the Son of God. He said that he would sit at the right hand of God and come back in a cloud.
The high priest tore his clothes in horror and they condemned JC to death. Just as JC predicted, Peter denied knowing JC three times before the cock crowed twice. Peter would have to deny Christ twice either after the first crow or the second crow for a total of three times.
(Ch 15:1-41) In the morning, they took JC to the high council and then to Pilate, the Roman governor. JC said “yes” when Pilate asked him if he was the King of the Jews. That would be an automatic death sentence. Evidently, Pilate didn’t take him seriously even though the crowd clamored for JC to be executed. So he turned him over to the soldiers to crucify him. First they gave JC a good whipping.
JC must not have been a strong man or they had beaten him too much. They had to grab a stranger from out of town carry the cross. They took him to Skull Hill, also known as Golgotha. The soldiers offered JC some wine drugged with myrrh to lessen the pain before nailing him up. In Matthew, it was gall. At the top of the cross they nailed a sign that read, “King of the Jews.” Two criminals were also crucified on either side of him.
Passing spectators jeered him by asking, if he were the Son of God, why didn’t he just come down from the cross. From noon to three o’clock, it went dark and JC called out, “My God – why have you forsaken me?” This was a strange thing to say. I thought he was supposed to have planned the whole thing. Maybe at that point he got a dose of reality and found out that he wasn’t really the Son of God.
When he finally died, the curtain in the Temple was torn in two. At least no dead bodies rose from the dead. JC must have been popular with the ladies as there was a crowd of groupies there watching him die. Included were Mary from Magdalene, another Mary who was the mother of James and John, and one named Salome.
(Ch 15:42-47) Joseph from Arimathea, who was a follower of JC and also was on the high council, got permission from Pilate to bury the body. Pilate was surprised that JC had died that fast and gave his permission. Because this happened on Friday, some scholars today think JC might have still been alive. According to Jewish law, no one was supposed to be executed after sundown. JC was put in Joseph’s tomb and a large stone rolled in front of it. The two Marys watched all this happen.
(Ch 16:1) At sunrise on Sunday morning, the three women showed up to embalm JC with spices. I guess even with all the predictions JC told everybody, they didn’t believe him. They found the large stone rolled away. When they entered the tomb, they saw a young man who was an angel in disguise. It seems that angels can go back and forth from ghosts to flesh whenever they want.
The angel told them, “You won’t find JC here. He has risen from the dead. But he wanted me to ask you to tell all the others that he will meet them in Galilee.” This freaked them out and they didn’t say anything to anybody because they were too frightened to talk.
There are two endings in Mark. In the short version, they got their voices back and told the disciples to go spread the word of JC’s message.
In the longer version, which is totally different, there was no angel, only JC with no mention of the tomb. Mary from Magdalene saw him first, and when she told the rest, they didn’t believe her. Later, two disciples were out walking and saw a man they thought was JC, even though he didn’t look anything like him. When they told the other disciples, they didn’t believe it either. “Oh ye of little faith.”
Later, JC appeared to 11 of the disciples and chewed them out for not believing it was him. He told them to go out and preach to the world, cast out demons, handle poisonous snakes without harm, and to heal the sick. With that, he rose into Heaven and sat down next to God. I bet he was glad to get home after all he went through on Earth.
This passage is the foundation for some of the hillbilly churches to handle snakes as part of their ritual. There was no mention of the disciples meeting JC in Galilee. It was a long walk of many days to Galilee.
This gospel started before the birth of John the Baptist. Zechariah, John’s father, was a member of the priestly order, which meant he was a Levite as was his wife Elizabeth. They were both old, and she was barren and didn't have any kids. In those days,you had to be born of a virgin or barren mother to be famous.
(Ch 1:5-25) One day, an angel popped in and told him they were to have a son and should name him John. Because Zach didn’t believe the angel, it told him he would be mute until John was born. Angels liked to throw their power around to show off.
(Ch 1:26-38) When Lizzy was six month along, the angel Gabriel went to Nazareth to visit Mary, a relative of Lizzy’s who was still a virgin at this time. Now note this: Mary was in Nazareth, not Bethlehem where the OT said the Messiah was to have originated. Gabe told her a ghost was going to impregnate her and her baby would be God’s son. Does that mean that God has DNA?
This is a bit confusing. Mary was supposed to be a virgin impregnated by an angel with some of God's sperm. At the same time JC was supposed to be a descendant of King David. But only his stepfather Joseph was supposed to be related to David. But that is in doubt as Joseph was probably a Levite. That infers Jesus was a turkey-baster baby.* The angel must have either fabricated the sperm with King David’s DNA or obtained some of Joseph’s sperm when he was asleep. But if it was Joseph’s sperm, why didn’t God just let him knock up Mary the usual way? Oh, I forgot. They weren’t married yet. JC's linage is very much in doubt. I wonder how many other women have claimed virgin impregnations? (*Some women self-impregnate themselves using a turkey baster instead of a penis.)
(Ch 1:39-56) A few days after getting knocked up, Mary went to visit Lizzy. When they met, John was only six months along and started jumping around in Lizzy’s uterus. Then Mary broke out in a song which somehow got recorded and included in the Bible. Three months later, Mary went home. Lizzy was nine months along. It doesn’t say, but it sounds like Mary made the visit just to help Lizzy deliver the baby.
(Ch 1:67- 80) A few days after John the Baptist was born, Zach, under the influence of the Holy Spirit, wrote a long prophecy in the form of a poem or song. John grew up and lived out in the wilderness until he was ready to preach.
(Ch 2:1-7) The author of Luke wrote that Rome decreed a special tax. Everyone had to return to the home town of their ancestor to be counted. This was pure fabrication to try to explain why Jesus wasn’t living in Bethlehem, which, according to the OT, was supposed to be the Messiah’s birthplace. The following explains why the taxation could not have happened as Luke said:
There was no record of the event by the Romans, and the Romans kept good records. The Romans never made an omission like this before or after, and the logistics would have been horrendous. Taxes were collected by tax collectors in each district, and they knew who to collect from and how much they owed. It must have been an administrative nightmare to keep track of all the people who owed taxes. Remember; they didn’t have computers.
Anyway . . . Jesus was born in a manger because the Hilton, as with all the other inns in the area, was over-booked for the Christmas holiday.
(Ch 2:8-15) You would think God would announce this big event all over the world, or at least, in an urban area. But no; he freaked out a bunch of shepherds out in the sticks by sending an angel to invite them to visit the baby.
Eight days later, Jesus had his little tally-whacker clipped in less than antiseptic conditions. That must have been very painful since they didn’t have very sharp knives in those days. Then they sacrificed a couple of pigeons to God because Jesus was the first born. You would think the “King of the Jews” would be worth more than just a couple of birds.
If you noticed, there was no mention about the Wise Men, Herod killing all the babies, and a trip to Egypt.
(Ch 3:1-22) We return back to John the Baptist, who came out of the desert and started preaching. However, he criticized Herod too much and was arrested for libel.
Most people think John baptized his cousin JC. But how could he do that when he was in jail? All the book said was that Jesus was baptized, whether by himself or some unknown person. Then a dove came down from Heaven, in reality, God in disguise. He told his son so everyone there could hear, “You are my son and I am well pleased with you.” Does this mean that humans saw God even if he was only a dove? And how could he not be pleased with his son if he was also a perfect god?
(Ch 3:23-38) At this point, the author took a break in the story and listed Jesus’ genealogy clear back to Adam. The genealogy also listed Adam as a son of God so that might mean Adam was Jesus’ dead brother. The only problem with this genealogy was that it didn’t match the OT or Matthew’s genealogy. Things get messy when you mix gods and humans. The author should have checked with the Mormons. They are geniuses when it comes to genealogical research.
(Ch 4:1-13) Jesus was led by Satan out into the wilderness for 40 days without food. It seems the only numbers they had in those days were 7, 12, and 40. Satan tried to tempt him with food and power, but naturally, Jesus turned him down. This was peculiar, since, if the Devil knew Jesus was the Son of God, he would know that Jesus had enough magic to do whatever he wanted on his own.
(Ch 4:14-30) Jesus went back to his hometown to preach. You already heard how he was rejected by his neighbors. He preached a sermon saying that he was sent by God to free and heal the people. However, he said he couldn’t do any miracles there because, “No prophet is accepted in his hometown.” He justified this by saying that even though some of the old prophets performed miracles, they never helped everyone. After that, a mob tried to throw him over a cliff but Jesus slipped away. He could have just flown away but his magic powers didn’t work in Nazareth.
When Jesus left the area, his magic powers came back and he kept on preaching and healing.
(Ch 5:1-16) This chapter is about how Jesus got his first disciples. It is not in the same order or way as the other gospels indicate, but what the Hell; I’ll give God or his scribe a little slack. He snagged Simon, a.k.a. Peter, by performing a miracle of filling Peter’s father’s fishing boat with lots of fish. His partners, James and John, were astonished when they saw this, but there is no mention whether they also became disciples but, of course, we know they did.
(Ch 5:17-26) Although there was no mention of the disciples following him, Jesus continued to preach and heal. In one case, when a room Jesus was in was too crowded for anyone else to enter, some friends of a cripple dropped him through the roof. Jesus pissed off a number of Pharisees by forgiving the cripple of his sins before he healed him. The Pharisees said only God could forgive sins, but Jesus told them he also had the power. Of course, this is no big deal today. Preachers go around healing all the time, especially in the unsophisticated sections of the southern states.
(Ch 5:27-39) Later Jesus met a tax collector named Levi and went to dinner with him. Similar to today, tax collectors were not very popular. The Pharisees asked the disciples (I’m not sure how many there are at this point) why Jesus hung around such scum. Jesus answered, “I have come to save sinners; healthy people don’t need me.” Tax collectors were considered sinners because they were collecting taxes from God’s chosen people for the Romans. If it weren’t for the British tax collectors, Americans would still be members of the British Commonwealth.
He ended his preaching with a parable about why it was OK for his disciples to eat instead of fasting like the others. Even sons of a god need to eat.
(Ch 6:12) Finally, after climbing a mountain, Jesus called all his people together and chose his 12 disciples. Mountains in that area were just big hills. You learned the names of the disciples in Sunday school, so I won’t list them. If you didn’t go to Sunday school you wouldn’t care anyway.
After they came down from the mountain, Jesus continued to preach and heal. Then he turned to the disciples and told them the beatitudes and ended with a couple of parables. Basically, it was about being good and how poor, downtrodden, miserable people will be rewarded with pie in the sky. Tell that to the homeless today.
(Ch 8:2-4) We’ll skip Chapter 7 as it is just a bunch of parables we have already heard about. Chapter 8 has the story about how Jesus met Mary Magdalene out of whom he cast seven demons. I’ve often wondered how many demons can fit in a person. For a number of years, the Church considered Mary a reformed prostitute. Some scholars think that she might have been Jesus’ wife. In those days, everyone had to get married. The story also said Jesus had many women followers, including the business manager of King Herod. She supported the flock with material goods when they were needed. Some people think JC was gay, because gays seem to have many women friends who feel safer around gay men who don't hit on them.
(Ch 8:22-25) After a couple more parables, Jesus and his disciples embarked in a boat. Later a storm developed that might have swamped them. Jesus did his thing and stopped the wind and waves.
(Ch 8:26-56) Here is another version of how Jesus cast out a legion of demons into a herd of pigs. I wonder what the Jews did with all those pigs; they couldn’t touch or eat them. The head demon yelled at Jesus, asking him, “Why are you bothering us, Son of God? Please don’t torture us. Don’t send us into the bottomless pit. If we have to go, let us enter the pigs.” So, that must means discarded demons go to Hell. But why would they not want to go there if Hell is their home?
Jesus gave his permission and the demons entered the pigs, which freaked them out and they ran into the lake and drowned. Can demons drown? The balance of the chapter was just a lot more preaching and healing including raising one girl from the dead.
(Ch 9:1-9) Jesus decided to spread his message wider and faster by sending his apostles out after he gave them some of his power to heal and cast out demons. I still don’t see why he didn’t just cast out all the demons at one time by using his magical powers.
Herod was shook up as he thought Jesus might be Cousin John or another prophet who had risen from the dead.
(Ch 9:51-56) The rest of Chapter 9 was material we already covered in other Gospels until we get to the part where he met some Samaritans. The Samaritans were Jews and others who stayed behind when Babylonians captured Judea and sent the upper classes and intelligentsia into exile. Their religion evolved differently, and the Jews who returned from exile had nothing to do with them. They were considered outcasts and looked down upon. They were sort of like the Muslim Sunnis and Shiites are today.
While traveling to Jerusalem they took a short cut through Samaritan territory. The Samaritans wanted nothing to do with Jesus and his boys. Jesus’ apostles wanted him to cast down fire on them, but he refused.
(Ch 10:25-37) Chapter 10 started out covering the missionary work of the apostles until we get to the part where Jesus said that the Golden Rule was the most important rule. Most religions before and after Jesus have their versions of the Golden Rule so this was nothing new. He told them, “Love God with all your might and your neighbor as yourself.”
Then someone asked him, “. . . and who is my neighbor?”
Jesus responded by telling them the story about the Good Samaritan who helped a Jewish traveler who was ignored by other Jews. This was to show that everyone is your neighbor, no matter who they are or what they believe. It’s too bad people don’t follow this today. Of course Jesus didn’t follow his own advice all the time either. Remember the foreign mother with a sick daughter Jesus refused to help until she admitted her daughter wasn’t any better than the dogs under a Jewish table.
(Ch 11: 1- 32) I don’t want to bore you, or me, so I’m skipping over a lot of stuff we’ve heard before. Jesus maintained that everyone who prayed and believed would get whatever they pray for. More pie in the sky.
When he cast out a demon, some people accused him of getting his power from Satan. He told them, “If I get my power from Satan, how can I cast out demons when they belong to Satan?” Say what you want, Jesus thought fast on his feet. He also said that anyone who wasn’t for him was against him. How about those who never heard of him?
To the people who wanted to see a miracle to prove he was the Messiah, he said, “The only sign I will give you is the sign of Jonah,” whatever that means. He also said, “The Queen of Sheba will rise up against this generation because they didn’t listen to me.” Was the Queen of Sheba really a threat? I never heard of her other than when she visited Solomon.
He told the religious leaders who were listening to him, “You are responsible for the murder of all of God’s prophets from the beginning of the world.” How could someone be responsible for murders committed before he was born? It was God’s thing to punish the innocent. This and a lot of other stuff Jesus said really pissed them off. Maybe they should have had him committed instead of crucified.
(Ch 12:10-12) Jesus also said, “Anyone who speaks against me can be forgiven but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit can never be forgiven.” How can you speak against the Holy Spirit when no one knows what it is? This was the first time the Holy Spirit was even mentioned. He said folks should not worry if they are brought to trial. The Holy Spirit would tell them what to say in their defense. This reminds me of a guy I met in a Mexican prison who said that he didn’t need a lawyer as God was his lawyer. God can’t be much worse than some lawyers I know (I also have friends who are good lawyers in case a lawyer is reading this).
Next, Jesus told everyone not to worry about money because God would give them everything they needed, and they should sell everything they owned and give it to the poor.
(Ch 12:22-34) “What, me worry?” was what Jesus asked the people again. “Don’t worry about how you will survive, God will always provide for you like he does for the birds. Sell everything and give it to the poor.” I guess that means they would have to eat seeds and worms.
(Ch 12:35-48) “You must be dressed and ready at all times for when I come, because no one will know the time and date. There will be rewards for those who are ready. God himself will put on his apron, seet them, and serve them.“ (God as a waiter?) “Those who are not ready will be punished. But if they don’t know any better, they will only be punished lightly.” I guess ignorance of the law is no defense. You need to sleep with your clothes on to be ready.
(Ch 12:48-57) Jesus told the crowd, “I did not come to bring peace on Earth but strife and division.” Then he called them all hypocrites because they could sometimes predict the weather but couldn’t tell what was happening at that time. Why would people call him the “Prince of Peace” when he admits that peace was not his thing?
(Ch 13:1-5) I don’t quite understand the next item. On one hand, Jesus gave the crowd examples of people who died, but, not because they were sinful. On the other hand, he told them that unless they repent their sins, they would die. The rest of the chapter is just old stuff we have already gone over.
(Ch 14:12-14) “When you have a dinner party, invite poor people from the street, not your friends and relatives.” I don’t think the homeless would appreciate my good wine, and besides, they smell.
(Ch 16: 18) Jesus told them, “Anyone who is divorced and marries someone else, commits adultery.” Just imagine how many adulterers are in this country. And anyone born from an adulterous relationship is a bastard. Are you a bastard? Which is worse: being gay or an adulterer? Both carry the death sentence.
(Ch 17:4) “You should forgive a person up to seven times in one day.” I thought it was 70 times seven that you should forgive someone. That must have been in another gospel.
(Ch 17:37) Jesus explained what it was going to be like just before he returned. Someone from the crowd asked, “Lord, when will this all happen?”
I don’t know if this was a missed translation, but instead of telling them when, Jesus said, “Just as a flock of vultures show you that a carcass is nearby, these signs will tell you when the end is near.” Only Jesus didn’t tell them what the signs were and forgot he already told them that no one, even himself, would know when the time was coming. Because Jesus was part of the three who make up God, that must mean even God doesn’t know when. And then there are humans who say they can tell when by just reading the Bible.
(Ch 18:29) A few days later, when Jesus was preaching to another crowd, he told them, “If someone abandons his house and deserts his wife and children, he will be rewarded in this life as well as the next.” I wonder if he would still have to pay alimony.
(Ch 19:1-10) Jesus met a rich tax collector and invited himself to be a guest in the man’s home. The man then told Jesus he was going to give away half of all his wealth to the poor. Jesus responded by telling everyone, “Salvation has come into this house today.” How did the tax collector get away with only giving up half his wealth?
(Ch 19:28-40) Now you remember in the other gospels the story about how Jesus entered Jerusalem on either a donkey and a colt, or just a donkey. In this version, Jesus enters on just a colt. I hope he wasn’t too heavy.
(Ch 19:41-46) As they neared the city, Jesus started to cry and foretell tell the future. He said soon their enemies would crush them and their children. He also said that one stone from the Temple would not be on another. Although the Temple was destroyed later, there were still stones on top of stones. This part probably was added after the fact by Luke to show that Jesus could tell the future. Then Jesus cleaned out the people in the Temple who were conducting business dealings.
(Ch 20: 1-8) Jesus could be a tricky debater. Some of the priests questioning him asked, “Where does your authority come from to allow you to drive out the merchants from the Temple?”
Jesus asked them, “Where did John the Baptist get his authority to baptize people?”
They thought to themselves, if they said his authority came from Heaven, they would be undermining their authority. If they answered that he was only an ordinary human, the masses might stone them because they thought John was a prophet. So they answered, “We don’t know.”
Jesus said, “Then I won’t answer your question either.”
(Ch 20:27-40) Someone asked, “If a man married the widow of his brother, who would be her husband in Heaven?” In response Jesus clarified the matter by saying that there would be no marriages in Heaven, but that they would be like angels. I don’t think it would be a very heavenly place if we were not allowed to have sex. It would be Hell if you were Muslim and had 70 virgins and they stayed virgins. I won't do a book on the Koran because I don't want at fatwa issued on me.
(Ch 21:1-38) In this chapter, Jesus made a lot of vague predictions of wars and insurrections, plus some of the signs of the beginning of the end times. Most of it he covered before. He did mention they would be hated by everyone and many would be put to death. But not one hair on their heads would be hurt. “Everyone” was a strong word that includes all the people on the Earth plus themselves. But at least they would not have to worry about their coiffures. I wonder if the hair of the Jews burned in the ovens survived, and if it included pubic hair.
(Ch 22:29) Most of the stuff in this chapter has been covered before. However, there was one point of interest. Jesus told them they would eat and drink at his table, and they would judge the 12 tribes of Israel. We already learned that there are only three of the 12 tribes left. At least we know we will be well-fed in Heaven. I imagine they serve the best wines because Jesus was a noted winemaker. I could say that the food was to die for, but I won’t.
(Ch 22:31-34) Now we get to the part where Jesus said that Peter would deny him three times. However, instead of the rooster crowing two or three times, the rooster only crowed once after Peter did his denying.
(Ch 22:36-38) I don’t understand the next part. All the disciples except Peter took off, but here it said Jesus talked to them about their going out to preach. Then he told them, “If you don’t have a sword, sell your clothes and buy one.” That’s all we need, a bunch of naked preachers running around with swords.
“Lord,” one of them replied. “We only have two swords among us.”
“That’s enough,” said the Prince of Peace. Maybe Jesus was a member of the NSA (National Sword Association).
(Ch 22:39-36) I won’t go into details about Jesus praying in the Mount of Olives even though there are some minor differences with the other gospels.
(Ch 22:77-71) When Jesus and Judas had their kissing scene and the mob tried to grab him, one of the disciples took one of the two swords and slashed off the ear of the high priest’s servant. Jesus healed the wound. This was the first known example of plastic surgery.
The mob made a citizen’s arrest and took Jesus to the residence of the high priest where Peter and the rooster did their thing. That morning, Jesus came out of the closet and admitted he was the Son of God.
(Ch 23:1-25) The priests took Jesus over to Pilate. Pilate told them that, as Jesus was from Galilee, he came under the jurisdiction of Herod Antipas who was also in Jerusalem at the time for the Passover. After Herod questioned him, he sent Jesus back to Pilate. Pilate called the priests together and told them that both Herod and he found Jesus innocent so he would just flog him and then let him go. Why flog an innocent man?
The crowd went wild and yelled, “Crucify him, Kill him, kill him!” They asked to have Barabbas, who was in the slammer for forming an insurrection, released instead. Pilate finally relented and sentenced Jesus to death. Those of you who study the Bible may notice there are some minor inconsistencies with the other gospels.
(Ch 23:26-43) As they led Jesus away, they forced a guy named Simon, who just arrived from Cyrene, to carry the cross for Jesus. But Jesus couldn’t pass up an audience so he preached to the crowd as they went along.
Jesus was nailed up with two criminals and the guards put a sign over him that said, “This is the King of the Jews.”
(Ch 23:44-49) From noon to 3:00 pm, it became dark, and the curtains of the Temple were torn in two. Then Jesus yelled out, “Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands.” With that, he stopped breathing. The author of this gospel forgot or left out the part where all the zombies came out of the graves. Maybe it wasn’t important enough. Sunday school would have been a lot more interesting if the teachers had included some of the more wild stuff from the Bible.
(Ch 23:50-56) Joseph, who was a member of the high council and from the town of Arimathea, asked Pilate if he could have the body, which he then put into a new tomb. It doesn’t say who “they” were, but they all went home and prepared spices and ointments to embalm the body.
(Ch 24:1-34) Luke’s version is different from the other gospels. He said the women, who are unnamed, came to the tomb Sunday morning and found the stone rolled aside and the body gone. Then, shazam, two men in robes that would make Liberace blush, appeared from nowhere.
The men, whom we suppose were angels, told the women that Jesus was not there but had risen from the dead as he had predicted. Then the women remembered Jesus’ prediction and rushed back to tell everyone, including the 11 disciples. The women were Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and several others. But even though Jesus had predicted it many times, the disciples didn’t believe them. Therefore Peter went to the tomb and found it empty.
Later that same day, Jesus, who was incognito, appeared to two of his followers as they were walking along talking. Jesus asked them “watsup, homies?” and they told him all that had happened. Jesus told them, “You idiots, you find it hard to believe what was predicted in the scriptures.” He then quoted a number of passages from Moses and other prophets supposedly describing what was going to happen to him. I have read the OT many times and have never come across any passages that clearly predicted what was happening. Maybe they were edited out.
They asked Jesus to spend the night with them because it was getting late. He joined them for dinner and as he broke a piece of bread and blessed it, they recognized him. At that moment, without finishing his meal, he disappeared. He was between rising from the dead and flying up to Heaven. I wonder if he still need food and water?
Even though it was late, they rushed back to Jerusalem to tell the others. When they met the 11 disciples and others, they were told that Jesus had appeared to Peter.
(Ch 24:35- 49) Just as the two were telling their stories, Jesus appeared again out of nowhere. I wish I could do that as it would be much easier than walking and knocking on doors. This freaked them out because they thought they were seeing a ghost – but what did they expect? He was a ghost. Either they must not have been listening when Jesus predicted that he would rise from the grave, or they didn’t believe him.
“So why are you all frightened? Who do you think I am – Casper the friendly ghost? But I’m not a ghost as I have a body with holes in it. Here, touch me and put your hands in them and feel for yourselves.” But they were still afraid so Jesus opened their minds and they believed.
“Now I want you all to stick around for awhile and I’m going to send you the Holy Spirit who will fill you with power from Heaven.”
(Ch 24:50-53) So now was the time for Jesus to take off. He led them to the town of Bethany where he left them and took off to Heaven. You will find this part a lot different from the other gospel endings. There was no mention of his going to Galilee, telling the beloved disciples that he was going to live forever, or being escorted to Heaven by angels.
Next we complete the four gospels with the book of John. There are a lot of other gospels with differences but they weren’t approved by the Catholic Church. It’s too bad that Jesus didn’t write one himself to set the record straight but then, as the son of a carpenter, he was illiterate like most of his followers.
This gospel starts out in Bethany with John the Baptist preaching and baptizing.
(Ch 1:1-28) He told the crowd, “I am not the Messiah or one of the prophets, but I just came to prepare the way for the Messiah. And the Messiah is incognito right here amongst you in the crowd.” If you notice, he did not say he was Elisha.
(Ch 1:29-34) The next day, John the Baptist introduced Jesus to the crowd. “I know that he is the Son of God because I saw the Holy Spirit disguised as a dove, come down and rest on his shoulder. What more proof do you need?”
(Ch 1:35) The day after that, John the Baptist saw Jesus walking, pointed to him, and said, “There is the Lamb of God.” What follows was a totally different story about how Jesus’ disciples were found. Two of John the Baptist’s disciples, Simon Peter and his brother Andrew, switched sides and followed Jesus. Nothing fishy about this version. Jesus told Simon, “I don’t like the name ‘Simon.’ I’m going to call you ‘Rocky’ or Peter” (which is rock in Greek).
The next day, Jesus went to Galilee and there deputized Philip. Philip went to his brother, Nathaniel, to try to get him to join. When Nathaniel found out where Jesus was from, he asked, “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?”
When Nathaniel first met Jesus, Jesus told him, “I saw you under a fig tree before Philip found you.”
“Wow! a miracle.” exclaimed Nat.
JC replied, “You haven’t seen anything yet. You are going to see Heaven and all the angels going up and down on me.” That must be a mistranslation as I don’t think it means that angels were jumping up and down on Jesus like a trampoline.
(Ch 2:1-12) This is one of my favorite parts in which JC performs one of his first tricks by changing water into wine. It happened one day when JC, his mother, and his disciples were invited to a wedding. There were so many people there that they ran out of wine. Mary complained to him, “Jesus! We are out of wine. Can’t you do something?”
“But Ma,” he exclaimed. “It’s not time for me to do miracles yet.”
But Mary was adamant, “I don’t care about your damn time. I want you to take care of the booze for the party.”
JC had always been a mama’s boy. You never hear anything about his father after he did his thing. So Jesus gave in and changed the water in the jugs, not only into ordinary wine, but into vintage wine.
(Ch 2:13) The next thing happens much later in the other gospels. JC chased all the concessionaires out of the Temple. The Temple priests asked him, “If you say that God gave you the authority to do this, show us a sign and prove it.”
“Tear down the Temple and I’ll build it up in three days.” That showed them. JC went on and did other tricks for the crowd, and he convinced many that he was the Messiah. This is a bit different from some of the other gospels in that JC didn’t try to hide the fact he was the Messiah.
(Ch 3:16) Even if you haven’t been to a ballgame, most of us know John 3:16, where the fundies get their mumbo-jumbo of “being born again.” It’s a way of saying you agree to become a serious and active believer. Most believers aren’t all that serious. Thank goodness, because there are too many fundamentalists as it is.
(Ch 3:22-36) This is the only place I know of in the Bible where it said Jesus also baptized people. Later, it was explained that JC didn’t perform the ritual but his disciples did. When some of John the Baptist’s disciples told him about it, John said he was not jealous although Jesus was going to become more powerful, and he would become less and less influential.
He said, “Everyone who believes Jesus is the Son of God will go to Heaven, but the rest of you will be punished by God.” He didn’t say what would happen to babies who died early or to people in foreign countries who never heard of Jesus. And, in those pre-radio, TV, newspaper, and Internet times, there were not many who had even heard about him, much less believed in him.
(Ch 4:1-42) The Pharisees were giving JC and his boys a hard time, so the disciples left Judea and headed back to Galilee. Why didn’t Jesus defend himself using his magic powers? Galilee was separated from Judea by Samaria. Although Galilee and Judea were both Jewish, Samaritans practiced a different version of the religion because they were left behind when the other Jews were exiled to Babylon. The Jews looked down on the Samaritans as many white Americans looked down on people with dark skin.
They passed through Samaria and arrived at a town where Jesus asked a Samaritan woman for a drink of water. Jesus preached to her and converted her. She called others and Jesus stayed two days and converted a lot of them. The author of John was probably a converted gentile and probably included this part to show Jesus was not just for the Jews as the other gospels said.
(Ch 5:28-45) Jesus continued to preach and heal. One thing he said that doesn’t make sense was, “The dead in the graves will hear my voice and rise from the dead. Those who are good will have eternal life and the others will be judged.” If they are being judged, does that mean they still can be found innocent?
“I have someone who will testify that everything I say is true. John the Baptist will testify that God sent me. And what is even more important is that God will testify in my behalf. And if you don’t believe in me, you won’t be able to hear him.” In other words, if they didn’t believe he was the Son of God, they wouldn’t have any proof that he was.
He also said, “If you believe in Moses, you have to believe in me because Moses wrote about me.” I doubt if most of the people he preached to could even read the scriptures to see if this was true. Even if Moses did write about a Messiah, which he didn’t, it wouldn’t mean that he meant Jesus.
(Ch 6:35-43) We’ll skip the “feed the crowd with the five loaves of bread and two fish” and the part where he walks on water. We get to the part where he told the crowd, “I am the bread of life and those who believe in me will never be hungry or go thirsty.” I guess that was some kind of metaphor.
When he came near his home town, they asked, “We know his family; how can he say that he came down from Heaven?” They wanted proof but all that Jesus gave them were words.
(Ch 6:60-67) When many of his followers heard all this, they had a lot of trouble swallowing it, so many of them deserted him, except for the 12.
(Ch 7:1-9) JC hung around Galilee going from village-to-village because he was afraid to go to Judea where the priests were plotting his death. It was the time for the Festival of the Shelters and his brothers, who did not believe in him, scoffed at him and asked, “Why don’t you go to the festival where you can demonstrate your miracles?” Now if one of my brothers were the Son of God, I think I would know. JC told them, “My time has not come yet,” and remained in Galilee.
(Ch 7:10-24) After his brothers left for the festival, Jesus changed his mind, but stayed out of the public’s view. People were talking about him at the festival, some saying he was great and others saying he was a fraud. The authorities kept looking for him.
Halfway through the festival, JC went to the Temple and started preaching. JC told the leaders that they condemned him for healing a man on the Sabbath, but they also did when they circumcised baby boys on the Sabbath. It's OK to cut penises but not heal?
(Ch 7:25-53) Most of the rest is just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo about living waters and other abstract ideas that the crowd didn’t understand. Jesus would make a good politician today. Many in the crowd said, “How can he be the Messiah as he comes from Galilee and not Bethlehem? No prophet ever came from Galilee.”
(Ch 8:1-59) The next morning, after a good night’s sleep, JC returned to the Temple. The first thing he did was save an adulteress from being stoned. We wouldn’t have enough stones in this country if everyone who committed adultery were punished in the same manner.
He continued preaching and answering questions with obtuse responses such as, “Your law said that if two people agree on something, then it is a fact. Well, both God and I say I’m his son so that makes it true.” He predicting he was going to be lifted up on a cross.
He continued to try to convince everyone he was the Son of God and that they would die if they didn’t believe in him. Then he left the Temple.
(Ch 9:1-7) As Jesus and his boys were walking along, they came upon a man who was blind from birth. One of the disciples asked him, “Was this man blind because of his own sin or that of his parents?” Remember what I said about God punishing children for the sins of their parents?
“No, he was born that way so the power of God could be seen in him.” That means God makes people disabled just to show he has the power to heal them. Jesus spit on the ground and made some mud and spread in on the blind man’s eyes. He told the man to wash in the pool of Siloam, after which he came back healed.
One might wonder why Jesus went to all the trouble to use mud and then sent him off to wash. My guess is that because this man was born blind, he could not be cured by faith-healing. Even Oral Roberts had his limitations. By sending the blind man off to wash, most people couldn’t see that he was still blind. The story grew with the telling and many years later it was written down and parts were added to make it more interesting.
(Ch 10:1-42) When Jesus first started preaching, he tried to hide the fact that he was the Messiah and the Son of God. Now he was really flaunting it. All he did was a little faith-healing and he expected people to believe him. And many did and do. Even today people will believe in almost anything or anyone. Look at Jim Jones, David Karish, Peter Popof, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Ted Haggard, and all the clerics who molest children.
(Ch 11:1-44) Mary and Martha sent a message to Jesus that the man he loved, Lazarus, was very sick. Jesus said, “I, the Son of God, will get a lot of glory for this.” He waited a couple of days before going to them. “Lazarus is dead. I’m glad I wasn’t there to heal him because it will give me a chance to really prove to you who I really am.” With all the miracles he had performed, one would think they would know by now. But why were they still hanging around with him? I’m sure there were lots of other dead people he could have brought back to life.
When they arrived, Lazarus had been dead for four days. Jesus prayed and, bingo, Lazarus walked out of the tomb. Of course, the word got back to the Pharisees in Jerusalem.
(Ch 11:45-57) One shouldn’t be too hard on the Pharisees. JC was just an itinerant preacher, but they had to look out for the welfare of the whole nation. They knew if the people followed Jesus as the Messiah, the Romans would have an excuse to destroy the nation. Caiaphas the High Priest said, “Why should the whole nation be destroyed? Let this one man die for the people.”
Of course, this was all part of God’s plan. He made the priest say this. And in God’s infinite wisdom, I’m sure the priests went to Hell for stating that, even though God made them say it. They decided to arrest Jesus and put out a general alarm for him.
(Ch 12:1-8) The authors of the Bible tried to besmirch Judas’ reputation. When Mary, the sister of Lazarus, smeared some expensive perfume on Jesus’ feet, Judas complained that the money for the perfume could have been better spent on the poor. The Book of John explained that Judas was the treasurer of the group and sometimes took some money for himself. Jesus must have been a pretty trusting soul to allow this to continue.
Jesus told them, “Leave her alone. She’s just getting my body ready for burial. You will always have the poor but I’m only going to be here a short time.” That is sort of hypocritical; why waste the expensive perfume on a body that wasn’t going to be dead very long? Wasn’t Jesus the man who told a rich man to sell everything he had and give it to the poor? And why did God let there be poor people in the first place?
(Ch 12:12-19) Now came the triumphant entry into Jerusalem with the crowd waving palm branches and shouting praise. If you remember from the other gospels, he entered either on a donkey and/or a colt. Here the author compromises by saying Jesus entered on a young donkey. When the Pharisees saw the crowd, they figured they had lost the battle.
(Ch 12:30-41) Finally God talked to the crowd. However, it sounded like thunder to most of them. Couldn’t God at least speak in a tongue people could understand? If not, why did he even speak in the first place? But even with this miraculous sign of thunder, the people still didn’t believe in Jesus. Isaiah was quoted to show that God made the people not understand what Jesus was saying. Why try to convince people if you won’t allow them to be convinced?
(Ch 13:1-38) This chapter started with Jesus washing the feet of his disciples and again predicted his death. The Last Supper wasn’t mentioned but when they were eating, Satan entered Judas and Jesus told him, “Hurry. Do it now.” He also told Peter that before the cock crowed in the morning, he would deny him thrice.
(Ch 14:12) Jesus told them, “Ask anything in my name and I will do it.” Firm believers in the words of JC have asked for rain during droughts many times. They may have prayed all they wanted, but the rain came only when Mother Nature was ready for it to come. Our National Day of Prayer hasn’t accomplished much. And if God knows everything that is going to happen, and has everything planned, what good would it do to pray anyway?
(Ch 14:22) After Jesus did his whole thing about having to believe in him to have eternal life, one of the disciples asked him, “Jesus, why do you just reveal yourself to us and not the whole world?” That is something I’ve always wanted to know. Why do only the people who happen to be lucky enough to have lived in a Christian country and believe, go to Heaven and the rest of the world can go to Hell including babies who die at birth?
(Ch 15, 16 & 17) We’ll skip these chapters because JC kept ranting on about how he was the Son of God and how everyone had to believe in him to go to Heaven. He said that people who saw his miracles should believe in him but didn’t. Maybe they would if he did some really big miracles instead of just some wimpy stuff that any faith-healer could do today.
(Ch 18:1-11) Jesus went to the olive grove with all of his disciples except one. Judas brought the Roman battalion and the Temple guards to arrest him. Jesus identified himself, and all the soldiers fell to the ground. Peter cut the ear off of the high priest’s servant. There was no mention of the kiss or the ear being stuck back on. JC was taken to Annas, the father-in-law of Caiaphas, the high priest. Students of the Bible will notice that this is different from the other gospels.
(Ch 18:12-40) Peter denied JC once and, after questioning by Annas, JC was bound and taken to Caiaphas. Peter denied JC two more times and the rooster crowed. JC was taken to Pilate who told them, “If he be a criminal, take him away and try him by your own laws.”
“But only Romans can execute someone,” they replied.
Pilate questioned Jesus asking him, “Do you really claim that you are king of the Jews?”
“Yes, I am a king. But my kingdom is not of this world.”
Pilate told the crowd, “He’s not guilty of any crime under Roman law. We have the custom of releasing one prisoner before Passover. I’ll release the King of the Jews if you like.”
“No, no! We want you to release Barabbas.”
(Ch 19:1-16) After some arguing back and forth, Pilate gave in, had Jesus flogged, and then turned him over to the priests to be crucified.
(Ch 19:17-27) They led Jesus away to Skull Hill (Golgotha). In this version, Jesus didn’t have any help but had to carry the cross all the way by himself. The list of women who witnessed Jesus’ execution was also different. John said that they included Jesus’ mother, Mary the wife of Cleophas, and Mary Magdalene. JC told his disciples to take care of his mother. Then he said, “Hey, you know what? I can see my house from up here.”
(Ch 19:28-37) The guards gave Jesus a sponge filled with sour wine and he tasted it. This must be in addition to the gall and myrrh he was given in the other gospels. Before he died, he said, “It is finished.” It was getting late and the Jewish leaders didn’t want the bodies hanging there on the Sabbath. They asked Pilate to have the legs of the prisoners on the crosses broken to hurry their deaths.
JC was dead already, so the soldiers just stuck him in the side with a spear. The author quoted what he said was scripture from the OT that predicted all this but I don’t ever remember reading any of it and don’t have the time to re-read the whole book to try to find it. If any of you find it, please let me know.
(Ch 20:1-10) In this version, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb early Sunday morning and found it empty. She ran and told the disciples, and they ran to the tomb to see for themselves. When they got there, they found the cloth wrappings on the floor. In spite of all of Jesus’ predictions, they never knew that he was going to rise from the dead.
(Ch 20:11- 27) Mary stayed behind and saw two angels and Jesus, whom she did not recognize. She asked them, “What did you do with Jesus’ body?”
Then she recognized Jesus, who told her, “Go and tell my brothers that I am going to go up to Heaven.” She found the disciples and gave them the message. That evening, “poof,”* he appeared to them in the room where they were hiding from the Jewish leaders. (*In Great Brittan, a poof is slang for a homosexual male.)
“Peace be unto you,” he said, flashing the 1960s peace sign. After showing his wounds, he breathed on each one of them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit.” Again, this was different from the other gospels. Thomas came in late and had to touch Jesus’ wounds to believe, hence the phrase “doubting Thomas.”
(Ch 21:1-19) Jesus didn’t ascend right away. The next time he appeared was in Galilee where seven of the disciples were fishing. They were not catching any fish, so Jesus, who they didn’t recognize, told them to throw their net back in. They did this and, low and behold, they caught a ton of fish.
They were overjoyed when they recognized Jesus. When they got ashore, they found that Jesus had made breakfast for them. As they walked off, Jesus told Peter to take care of his sheep, meaning that he was in charge.
(Ch 21:20) While Jesus and Peter were walking, they saw the Beloved Disciple, whom Jesus loved, following them. JC told Peter, “I want him to remain alive until I return.” Just think. Somewhere in this world, there is the Wandering Jew who might be gay, and who is over 2,000 years old. I wonder if he can get the senior discount?
The Acts of the Apostles is a straight forward history of the founding of the church after Jesus’ death. It is thought to have been written by the same author who wrote Luke, sometime around 80 ACE. It is the story of the change of one Jewish cult among many becoming a major, worldwide religion. Luke is thought to have been a gentile, and so The Acts portrays a Gentile slant.
(Ch 1:1-26) The first part of the book is about various disciples, while the last part is basically a biography of Paul. It doesn’t have many miracles and it is the most accurate of the books in the Bible. It begins with the ascension of Jesus into a cloud. The author, whom we will call Luke, and thought to be a traveling companion of Paul, said that Jesus hung around for 40 days visiting the apostles from time to time before taking off.
With the addition of Matthias to replace Judas, the Apostles numbered 12 again, with the disciples representing the balance of his followers. His family must have finally accepted Jesus as the Son of God – the apostles also included Jesus’ mother, Mary, and one of his brothers, James.
The 12 Apostles are listed and agree with Luke, but not with Matthew and Mark. We are told Judas bought a field with the money he received for betraying Jesus. He fell there, burst open, and his guts spilled out. Of course, this is different from what the other gospels say.
(Ch 2:1-13) Seven weeks after the resurrection, the Holy Spirit made his appearance in the form of a flame and settled on each disciple and they all started to speak in tongues. Other gospels say that they had already received the Holy Spirit by then.
Speaking in tongues was nothing new then or now. Many believers whipped themselves into a trance and started to babble. When it stated that people from all the countries in Jerusalem for the Pentecost understood the disciples , it is not as astounding as it would seem. Most of the Jews, like the disciples, spoke Greek, the lingua franca of the time, or Aramaic or both.
(Ch 4:32-36) The Christians formed a socialist society, and sold all their possessions and shared the money with those in need. They spent most of their time going to the Temple and praying together. It sounds like the first Ponzi scheme in which the newly-converted would sell their possessions and use the money to support the rest. They weren’t worried because they believed JC would come soon and take them to Heaven. Right-wing conservatives who bad mouth anything that is the slightest bit socialistic should note that socialism was an early Christian tradition.
One couple sold their house and land but gave only part of the money to the congregation. They were exposed and either killed by God or possibly members of the congregation. If you promise God that you will put 10 percent of your money into the plate on Sunday, you had better not skimp.
To hurry things along, I’ll just hit the high points. Although they were persecuted by the Jewish leaders, and some were jailed and flogged, the Christian sect grew and eventually split into two groups. One spoke Aramaic and was from Judea and Galilee, while the other group consisted of people who spoke Greek and were from gentile cities.
Christian groups kept splitting even up to today like the Episcopalians who just split over the gay issue. Unlike now, in the old days the Church would kill anyone who believed a little different. Many Muslim countries still do that today.
(Ch 7:54-Ch 8:4) One of the more vocal of the converts was a guy named Steven. He was stoned by the Jewish leaders as a young man named Saul, the future Paul, watched while guarding their coats. This persecution caused the Christians to scatter to other areas where they continued to get new converts and grow.
(Ch 9:1-7) Saul, a.k.a. Paul, continued to persecute the Christians until one day on his way to Damascus, he had an epiphany. He had a stroke or seizure and thought he talked with the spirit of Jesus. He started preaching and eventually was sent to his home town of Tarsus for protection. Many scholars think Paul suffered from epilepsy. It is mentioned more than once that Paul suffered from some unnamed malady.
(Ch 10:9-48) Meanwhile, Peter was called by a Roman officer to help him convert. However, under the Jewish religion, it was considered unclean to enter a gentile home, much less dine with them. Peter got this big vision when God sent down a sheet with all kinds of animals and told him, “Peter, kill them and eat them.”
But Peter refused saying they were unclean. Then God told him, “If I say that something is OK, then it's OK. You got that?” This vision enabled Peter in good conscience to convert gentiles. Most of the Jewish Christians were against letting in gentiles, but they eventually came around. Christianity never made it with the Jews because they knew Jesus did not fit their idea of a messiah.
(Ch 12:20-23) Herod gave a rousing speech. The people gave him a great ovation and said his voice was more like that of a god than a man. This made God so jealous he had Herod consumed with worms and he died. God really knows how to kill a guy. Wow! God tortures and kills a guy just because someone gave him a compliment.
(Ch 13:4-12) Barnabas and Paul took off on their first missionary journey. In Cyprus they met a Jewish sorcerer. If he had been a Christian, he would have been called a prophet. Paul and Barnabas tried to convert the governor of the island, but the sorcerer interfered by telling the governor not to believe them. Paul, with God’s help, made the sorcerer blind. You've got to be careful of what gods you represent.
* * * *
I don’t know about you, but I’m getting tired of all this. Most of it is a travelogue of Paul’s missionary journey with him converting people right and left and being thrown out of various towns. Paul told one group of Jews that God made it necessary that they first try to convert the Jews, but because that didn’t work out very well, he was to convert the gentiles. It seems strange to me that the gentiles would choose a religion rejected by another group who knew that it was false.
If you want the full story, you know where you can find it. So I’m just going to hit some of the high spots that cover some of the rules Peter laid down, some of which are followed even today. Without Peter and Paul, there would not be a Christian church or, if there were, it would be an obscure Jewish sect.
Paul was even more important to Christianity then JC himself because he took Christianity out to the rest of the world when most of the Jews refused to accept his beliefs. Peter could have sold any religion. If he had been a Zoroastrian, we would all be Zoroastrian today. You can’t say that it would have been any better as all religions are manmade and perverted by men. Most religions today are run by men and not women.
Paul had much better luck with the gentiles than with the Jews. Paul and his companions traveled all over the area making converts and setting up churches. He had mixed results as he was beaten, stoned, and kicked out of many cities by the Jews. In the city of Ephesus, he was so successful that he and his followers were threatened by the idol makers. Those who converted to Christianity didn’t need to buy any idols and they were hurting the business of the idol manufacturers.
To attract more Gentiles, Paul dropped the requirement of having to be circumcised. This upset many of the Jewish Christians. It helped when the leader of the Christians, Peter, had a vision from God who told him that it was OK to eat anything and not be circumcised.
In more than one place, Paul described himself as weak and not a very good speaker. That can’t be true if you look at the results. Paul also admitted to having a disability but it was never written down. Some people think he suffered from epileptic fits. This might explain the vision he had earlier when he was struck down on his way to Damascus and talked to Jesus.
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The Christians split into two groups with James the head of the sect who believed that the Mosaic Law should be followed while Paul was the head of the non-Mosaic wing.
When Paul returned to Jerusalem, the Jews tried to have him arrested by the Romans for violating the Mosaic laws. The Romans wanted nothing to do with it because of their experience with Jesus. Paul had not broken any Roman laws. Instead of asking to be released, Paul, a Roman citizen, insisted the Romans send him to Rome for trial. He did this so he could get a free trip to Rome and preach to the Romans. I wonder how one would prove he was a Roman citizen. Did they have photo IDs then? It would have been easy to forge IDs made with parchment.
The Bible does not tell us how or when Paul died, and history does not provide us with any information. The only thing we have to go on is Christian tradition which has Paul beheaded in Rome, around the mid 60s AD, during the reign of Nero.
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The only person in the New Testament who mentioned homosexuality was Paul – and he was a misogynist and down on all sex. He might even have been gay. Closeted gays are some of the worst persecutors of gays. Look at the conservative gay congressmen who have been caught with their pants down. Jesus never mentioned the subject and he even had a beloved disciple. Here is what Paul said on the subject:
(Ch:26) “For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature.”
(Ch:27) “And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet.”
Tucked away at the end of the New Testament but before Revelation are the 21 letters, a.k.a. Epistles, written to many churches and individuals. As many as 14 were credited to Paul, but many could have been written in his name. Many were written long before the Gospels.
The epistles were placed in the Bible in order of size instead of date. The Book of Romans, also called The Epistle of Paul the Apostle to the Romans, contains most of Paul’s religious philosophy. In Romans 2:25 he asked, “Therefore if the uncircumcised keep the righteousness of the law, shall not his uncircumcision be counted for circumcision?”
Paul wrote these two epistles before the epistle to Romans, to the church in the city of Corinth. Here we learn about Paul’s views on sex. He was against it. He believed abstinence was the best thing, but if you are too horny to abstain, marriage is better than burning in Hell.
JC told his followers that some would still be alive when he came back. Paul, along with most other Christians of the time, believed it was just a little while longer before they would all be whisked off to Heaven. Reproduction wasn’t all that important in the context of the times.
Sometimes people would disrupt services by speaking in tongues, so Paul decreed that only men should speak and one at a time – women not at all. This was another Biblical rule broken all the time because many churches could not operate today without women doing most of the work.
Paul also said that belief in the resurrection was of utmost importance because, if JC did not rise from the grave, all the Christian doctrine was for nothing. This is one thing he was 100 percent right about. He was quoted in Chapter 15:32, “… if the dead do not rise, then let us eat and drink for tomorrow we die.”
Just another letter from Paul to the church of the Corinthians. Nothing new here.
Galatia was a small area settled by the Gauls. Paul wrote this letter to defend his acceptance of the non-circumcised as Christians. He told them that James, Peter, and John agreed that Paul was to “… go unto the heathens,” while they ministered to the circumcised. Paul stated that his authority came not from men but from Jesus Christ and God the Father.
Although credited to Paul, most Biblical scholars doubt it because of the differences in style.
This letter from Paul to the church at Philipppi gave the basis of church hierarchy. He also settled a dispute between two women.
This letter was addressed to the city of Colosse, a city Paul had never visited. The reason for the letter was Paul heard that the Colossians were being influenced by Gnosticism. The Gnostics believed in large heavenly hierarchies of angels that are between God and man. Silly Gnostics.
They believe that JC was just another prophet and not a god, similar to the idea that Muslims would later declare. Paul countered this by explaining how JC rose from the dead and was at the right hand of God. Because the Christians could not stand any competition, later on they killed off most of the Gnostics, and other variations of the faith, often by burning at the stake. If they had been successful, there would be only one church instead of all the variation of Protestantism today. Although they call themselves Christians, the Mormon church today believes JC was only one of many prophets.
Later, the Catholic Church, and some others, started to include other demi-gods to worship. In addition to angels, there were Satan, JC’s mother Mary (virgin?), and saints elected by men. Just think, a vote can change you from an ordinary spirit into a saint. Well, it’s not as simple as all that. You also have to perform a miracle while you are dead. To do that, someone has to pray to you and request that you perform the miracle. That would mean everyone is a demi-god, if only a low-ranking one.
This letter written by Paul was carried from Corinth by Timothy to the church at Thessalonica. They must have believed all the right things because Paul praised them. Paul went over some of the finer points of theology with the Thessalonians, who were mostly gentiles. He explained to them all about “The Rapture.” Did you hear about a group of atheists who, for a fee, have agreed to take care of the pets of Christians who are taken up by “The Rapture?” Or the bumper sticker that says, “During the Rapture, this car will be driver less.”
Evidently some of the Thessalonians had difficulty in swallowing the idea of the second coming. Paul found out and this letter was his rebuttal. In this epistle we have the first idea of the anti-Christ being one specific man. He is called “that man of sin.”
You might think he was referring to Satan, but that was not declared. Today, many people are debating who the anti-Christ is or was. Paul might have been thinking of Caligula, who tried to have himself worshiped as a god. Throughout the history of Christendom, both Catholics and Protestants call the leaders of other sects anti-Christs.
The next three epistles attributed to Paul dealt mostly with the management of church affairs. However, the time frame and style don’t fit Paul’s writing and many think someone else wrote them and attributed them to Paul to give them more authority.
Much of this epistle has to do with heretics who propagated doctrines that didn’t agree with those of Paul. Then it continued with the rules for choosing bishops and deacons and church regulations.
This Second Epistle to Timothy continued giving directions for the organization of churches. Some think it was Paul’s last recorded epistle before his execution, if they were really written by him, which is debatable.
This epistle, written by Paul to Titus, told Titus to be careful in dealing with Cretans as they were all “liars, evil beasts, slow bellies.” I have no idea what a slow belly is.
Philemon was the recipient of Paul’s shortest epistle. The compilers of the Bible must have gathered all the letters they could find to put into it. even if not relevant. This one has the story about how Paul converted a runaway slave that belonged to Philemon. Paul then sent back the slave, Onesimus, with this note to Philemon, asking him to show a little Christian kindness. I wonder if he got any.
In both books of the Bible, slavery is as common a custom as you could find, but then they didn’t know any better. This was also true for our own southern brothers and sisters. It was just too bad we had to educate them at the point of a gun. Actually, I shouldn’t say that because my father came from Texas, but he wasn’t a segregationist.
This epistle to the Hebrews in Jerusalem was, in reality, an unknown entity. It was a well-written sermon, scripted to be spoken, so they just say that Paul wrote it. It’s possible, since the author mentions Paul’s sidekick, Timothy; but on the other hand, the polished style and theology weren’t Paul’s.
The scribe known as Paul wrote condemnations of some of their members who were drifting away and threatened them with divine retribution if they didn’t change their ways. He told them to hang in there, as the Second Coming would soon occur. Paul tried to show them that the doctrine of Jesus was far superior to the doctrine of Moses.
Hebrews was probably written in about 80 ACE; by 100 ACE, the church consisted mostly of gentiles.
James is thought to have been written by someone named James. Most people assume that the James who wrote James was James, Jesus’ brother.
This can’t be true because JC’s brother, James, was stoned to death in 62 ACE. The Book of James is basically an essay on morality.
Both these books are thought by most to have been written by Peter. Yes. That Peter. But Peter, like JC, was an illiterate Gallilean who didn’t know Greek. Paul, on the other hand, was an astute writer in Greek, and the book sounds like it might have been written by Paul or someone closely associated with him. Even though Second Peter was attributed to Peter by its content, one can tell that it was written after Peter died.
There is one thing in Second Peter that I found interesting. It seems that angels can and do sin. I wonder what kind of sinning an angel can get into in Heaven? But God doesn't tolerate any sinning from his angels. He sends them straight to Hell and then has them tied up in chains. That must mean that angels have bodies. If they were just spirits, the chains would just pass right through them.
The style of these three epistles is the same as that of the person who wrote The Gospel of John. The authorship is unknown but has been attributed to John, the son of Zebedee, one of the 12 disciples. In The Second Epistle of John, the author said that he was an elder or priest. There was a John, the Elder, in Ephesus, who could have written all of them.
This epistle is supposed to have been written by the brother of James, making him another brother of Jesus. But it is doubtful that a brother of JC could still be alive when Jude was written. The author quotes some material not in the Bible, which makes it authoritative, even though the originals have been lost for ages. One example consists of the archangel Michael fighting with Satan over the body of Moses.
The Book of Enoch, which has never been accepted as a canonical book by anyone, was given as fact in Jude. So, something that was not accepted as truth, was accepted by Jude as truth, and because Jude was accepted as canonical, that makes Enoch true. God had sloppy editors.
Revelation contains prophecies revealing of devastation or ultimate doom. Many books in the Bible, such as in Isaiah and Daniel, have apocalyptic passages. Although Revelation was hotly debated, it became canonical. That’s too bad because over the years people have read all kinds of crazy stuff into it.
I think the guy who wrote it was high on something. As it is today, John was a common name and it is very doubtful that John the Apostle wrote it, as some think. John was probably a native or resident from the western coast of Asia Minor. The first part was written to seven churches in the western part of Asia Minor in the Roman province of Asia. This was not the huge Asian continent of today.
Although not proven, Christian tradition has John exiled to the small island of Patmos in the Aegean Sea. He is supposed to have gone there to avoid martyrdom. The letters were from seven angels to the seven churches. In them, the writer brings up each church’s faults and praises their good points. This part should have been left out as it had nothing to do with anyone who wasn’t a member of those churches. Again, a waste of ink and paper.
The language of the book was based on the symbols and apocalyptic writings of the OT. To me, it appears that John might have found some “magic” mushroom on the island because he wrote as if he were on a bad acid trip. Most scholars believe it was written in a code that only believers were supposed to understand. Instead of being a prediction of our future, the writer believed in the imminent arrival of the second coming. The prophecies were about Rome, not our present day. The 666 sign of the anti-Christ was a numeric symbol for Nero.
To no avail, many people have tried to figure out when the end times were supposed to happen. The Seventh Day Adventist Church was an outcome of two failed predictions. Many people sold or gave away all their belongings and were waiting on a hillside to be taken up. The Adventists still believe that they will be taken up at any moment. Of course, it didn’t stop them from building their churches strong enough to last many years. Currently, many people believe the world will end in 2012, predicted in the Mayan calendar.
Why would any non-Jew want to believe the New Testament when Chapter 7:4 says in black and white that only 144,000 people will be saved and they will all be Jews? Don’t they read their Bibles?
If God were trying to tell us something, why would he hide it in obscure writings with hidden meanings and really weird allusions that seem to go on forever? Even some Babylonian mythology mixed was in. People’s fixation on the Bible goes beyond logic.
Early Church History
The next thing to study would be early Church history which would be a book in itself. So much of it was obscured because the Catholic Church either destroyed many of the records of different sects or they hid them away in their archives. It’s the winner who writes the history. Until the Reformation and the Enlightenment, the Catholic Church was the most powerful and repressive force in the Western World, even more than Islamic fundamentalism is today.
The First Council of Nicaea was a gathering of Christian bishops, convened in Nicaea in Bithynia in present-day Turkey by the Roman Emperor Constantine I in ACE 325. The council was historically significant as the first effort to attain consensus in the church through an assembly representing all of Christendom.
Constantine made the Bishop of Rome the head of the Church. So it was Constantine, not JC, that picked the pope.
by Sam Warren
by Olin Thompson
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